This week, Rob Long explains his number one rule for sharing emotions in entertainment-industry relationships: Don’t. After all, the best and longest-lasting relationships in Hollywood are the ones that stay frozen in place, uncomplicated by unnecessary interactions until there’s a business reason to reconnect. Also: never confuse love for you with the love of money (as one might be inclined to do with network execs), and don’t ever feel pressure to say “I love you” back to anyone. Instead, consider the alternative, “You do me great honor.” 

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When asked an honest opinion about someone’s appearance, you’ve likely enacted the Fix-It Rule: that is, if someone has the ability to do something about it — a stray hair, for example — you say something; if it’s congenital, well, you keep your mouth shut (or lie). That philosophy extends to Hollywood too, where almost everything is fixable, but everyone — even the most talented among us — has the capacity for at least one truly terrible, unsalvageable piece of work. How you move on from it, explains Rob, makes all the difference.

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Ever notice the insecurity of those flying to and from L.A.? Everyone is discretely eyeballing everyone else, figuring out who is in first class, and — in the case of one agent Rob Long met at the airport — over-explaining why he was not. You see, in an industry where people rise and fall, and often outright disappear, visible status symbols take on absurd importance. As does creating the appearance that everything is going just great! Which is why Hollywood euphemisms were born — and why Rob always writes his name in big letters on a script. 

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Bone marrow biopsy? Hahahaha. Or so says Rob Long, who, after his procedure (he was fine!) was able to find the comedy — something that weirdly arrives in the wake of high-stakes moments, particularly around death, disease and crisis. So the world seems like it’s falling apart, but this time for real? As a writer who has spent decades in the comedy business, Rob sees opportunity. Cue the fat guy and the fit guy in the locker room.

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With the writers strike ended, execs all over town are figuring out which pitches they agreed to pre-walkout actually will get produced. Like chefs taking food out of the freezer, suits give a sniff test — assessing what kept on ice can be safely thawed out, and which should be tossed. And as Rob Long explains, the most dangerous place to be — in a kitchen or show business — is in this defrosting stage, where bacteria and spoilage set in. 

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The industry today sorely lacks optimism, says Rob. How to get it back? Harness the memory of your early-career freedom.

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From “enemy friends” to awkward former colleagues, Rob dives into the ins and outs of making amends in the entertainment industry, even with people you didn’t know disliked you.

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Rob Long compares the WGA strike to having been stuck on a joke, and re-imagines the last five months as a mini (bad) vacation.

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The worst thing you can tell anyone in entertainment is to calm down. Typically, nothing escalates a fight further, particularly in this industry.

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When it comes to firing your agent, Rob Long explains what used to happen, what happens now, and how it's all going to come full circle.

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