Masks Off: Inner Freedom For People-Pleasers and Perfectionists

Are you able to look at the truth of who you are? Kim and Tia discuss how the denial mask can create separation between ourselves and others by judging and blaming others instead of taking ownership of our part and our own responsibility. We are often afraid to look at our weaknesses and take responsibility for our behaviors since it is easier to point the finger at the other. We cannot live wholehearted and authentic lives unless we begin to embrace our light and our shadow side. It is important to do the inner work and heal the wounds in order to have joy, freedom and authenticity. Kim and Tia have their own “ah ha” moments in the episode where they realize how they each wear the denial mask and how this mask affects us individually.

“You never find yourself until you face the truth.” ~ Pearl Bailey

To Contact Us:

Masks Off Email: [email protected]

Masks Off YouTube Channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UCaWJfO7ZFd4aYBX3e-clj9Q

Tia Fagan

Website: tiafagan.com

Kim Gross

Website: unlock-yourmind.com

Email: [email protected]

Episode 15

Accepting your reality can be difficult to do, but the truth is the only choice is to accept the “as is” otherwise you can create more suffering in your life. It is difficult to lean into the discomfort of the messiness that life brings. We cannot control other people, places, and things. We can only control ourselves. Life is 20 percent of what happens and 80 percent of how we respond. How do you show up and respond when reality is uncomfortable? Do you immediately go into fear, anxiety or lack? Do you want to fix and control? Or, do you pause and respond by accepting what is happening and then take mindful action. Often the reason that acceptance of the “as is” is so difficult is because of the expectations that we have. When we can learn to look at every life experience as an opportunity to grow and learn, we can then begin to live a more abundant life filled with more joy and peace.

“Acceptance does mean you agree with, condone, appreciate, or even that you like what has happened. Acceptance means that you know, regardless of what happened, that there is something bigger than you at work. It also means you know that you are okay and that you will continue to be okay.” ~ Iyanla Vanzant

To Contact Us:

Masks Off Email: [email protected]

Masks Off YouTube Channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UCaWJfO7ZFd4aYBX3e-clj9Q

Tia Fagan

Website: tiafagan.com

Kim Gross

Website: unlock-yourmind.com

Email: [email protected]

Episode 14

Kim and Tia take a deeper dive into what it means to be truly authentic. They discuss how culture conditions us to fit into a mold of who we should be. It is like sheep to the slaughter house. We start out going to school, then graduating, perhaps college, get married, have a good job, have kids, then retire. This is the path for many. Rarely do we really ask ourselves what we truly want in life. Very few people follow the path less travelled. Imagine a world in which kids are taught at an early age to go inward and to be true to oneself. Imagine a world in which we can be vulnerable to be imperfect and to be ourselves. We must believe that we are enough and then cultivate that connection with oneself. In this way, we have the capability of feeling that sense of belonging that is our birthright. We hope you will tune in and enjoy this 45 minute episode.

“Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you really need to do, in order to have what you want.” Margaret Young

To Contact Us:

Masks Off Email: [email protected]

Masks Off YouTube Channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UCaWJfO7ZFd4aYBX3e-clj9Q

Tia Fagan

Website: tiafagan.com

Kim Gross

Website: unlock-yourmind.com

Email: [email protected]

Episode 13

How often do you find yourself living in the future? Are you living your life in the past or the future? How often can you live in the present moment? We are not taught to live in the present. The only thing we have is the present moment and to think we have control over the future or over another is an illusion. It gives one a false sense of power/control. We often feel that we need to have a sense of control, when we are in fear. Fear is the underpinning of the need to be in control. When we feel in lack, we also feel the need to control. When we are able to look at our masks and take the risk to peel back the masks even a little bit, we have the opportunity to feel lighter and feel more expansive. We can peel back and heal layers of ourselves. A perfect reminder of what we actually have control over is the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

“Radical acceptance rests on letting go of the illusion of control and a willingness to notice and accept things as they are right now, without judging.” ~ Marsha Linehan

To Contact Us:

Email: [email protected]

Masks Off YouTube Channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UCaWJfO7ZFd4aYBX3e-clj9Q

Tia Fagan

Website: tiafagan.com

Kim Gross

Website: unlock-yourmind.com

Email: [email protected]

Episode 12

In this episode Kim and Tia talk about how dangerous shame can be when we hide our stories where we feel shame from others to see. Keeping those shame stories inside is like putting a cover on a petri dish and allowing something to grow. It is not our fault that we do not want to be raw and real because society has conditioned us to be afraid to be our real selves. If we do not fit into the societal norms or do something wrong, we can feel less than. It is important to share our stories in a safe space. Once shame is shared, it touches light. It can then no longer have a strong hold over us. In order to share our shame stories it takes great courage and vulnerability to share with others and let ourselves be seen, shame and all.

“Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it-it can’t survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story. When we bury our story the shame metastasizes.” ~ Brene Brown

To Contact Us:

Email: [email protected]

Masks Off YouTube Channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UCaWJfO7ZFd4aYBX3e-clj9Q

Tia Fagan

Website: tiafagan.com

Kim Gross

Website: unlock-yourmind.com

Email: [email protected]

Episode 11

Do you find yourself blaming or complaining about other people, places and things? Do you feel frustrated because you can’t change or control people? Do you feel like everything happens TO you? And wonder again why me? A key signature behavior that we are in victim mode is complaining and resisting the as is. As we learn to take responsibility for our reactions or responses to situations we begin to feel more empowered and less like a victim. The more we can assert ourselves and recognize our part in a situation, the more we can use our own power. Many times we don’t want to take action either because it can feel too scary or maybe feels like too much work to take responsibility. However, when we don’t take action, we often build resentment within us because we feel frustrated that we can’t change or control the other person or situation. As we remove our victim mask, we realize that there is no victim and we co-create everything that happens in life.

“If you betray yourself, you are no different from the people who hurt you. What's the difference between those people who hurt you and what you are doing to yourself?” ~ Carolyn Myss

To Contact Us:

Email: [email protected]

Masks Off YouTube Channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UCaWJfO7ZFd4aYBX3e-clj9Q

Tia Fagan

Website: tiafagan.com

Kim Gross

Website: unlock-yourmind.com

Email: [email protected]

Episode 10

Do you have a difficult time watching your loved ones when they are struggling and in emotional pain? Do you feel like you want to fix peoples’ problems because you can’t bear that pain?

In this episode, Kim and Tia explore that the 'rescuer' truly wants to avoid their own emotional pain, which is why they want to fix the other. When we feel anxious and fearful we often want to control the situation to try to have those feelings go away. Beginning to become comfortable with the uncomfortable is when we are able to grow and set aside our 'rescuer' mask. Then we allow the other to do the same because they now have the opportunity to work through their own pain. Rather than fixing another and rescuing them from their suffering, we can be supportive and just be there for that person because we are now comfortable with the uncomfortable. The key is not to be enmeshed and trust that the other will find their own solutions. When we are able to understand and accept that pain is only energy then it becomes easier to allow for our own and others pain to ebb and flow. With this acceptance and deep compassion, the need to fix and rescue dissipates.

“Be confused, it’s where you begin to learn new things. Be broken, it’s where you begin to heal. Be frustrated, it’s where you start to make more authentic decisions. Be sad, because if we are brave enough we can hear our heart’s wisdom through it.”

~ S.C. Lourie

To Contact Us:

Email: [email protected]

Masks Off YouTube Channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UCaWJfO7ZFd4aYBX3e-clj9Q

Tia Fagan

Website: tiafagan.com

Kim Gross

Website: unlock-yourmind.com

Email: [email protected]

Episode 9

Disclaimer: this episode is a conversation between 2 white women about doing their own work around racism, deconstructing and becoming more antiracist. This conversation includes situations where we have caused harm to BIPOC through actions and words.  If you are a BIPOC, we are deeply sorry for harm done in the past, now, and in the future as we continue our education and strive to be more antiracist. Our intention is to not cause more harm or trauma so want to be clear what we are sharing in this podcast. We are not asking you to hold space, educate us or our listeners, asking for your emotional labor, unpaid efforts, etc. This episode is very messy - literally right from the very beginning. Tia and Kim discuss their explorations around racism, as white women, being at different points on their own deconstructing racism journey. Neither of us are experts in teaching anti-racism.

We felt it was necessary to show up, as we are in this moment, for a conversation. Discussing racism and white fragility/privilege is difficult and uncomfortable, but necessary. As white people, we need to do our work. 

Doing the work means understanding institutional/systemic racism, how racism affects the lived experience of BIPOC, how white people unknowingly harm BIPOC through their words and actions, and going within to work through all of this and more. Notice what it stirs in you. Lean into your discomfort. That is where you start to look. Listen. Learn. Unlearn. Grow. Speak Up. Take Action. If not now, when?

There are several resources online. Please go to this Google Document by Katherine Rand to get started.

““Racist” and “antiracist” are like peelable name tags that are placed and replaced based on what someone is doing or not doing, supporting or expressing in each moment. These are not permanent tattoos. No one becomes a racist or antiracist. We can only strive to be one or the other. We can unknowingly strive to be a racist. We can knowingly strive to be an antiracist. Like fighting an addiction, being an antiracist requires persistent self-awareness, constant self-criticism, and regular self-examination." ~Ibram X. Kendi from “How to Be an Antiracist”

To Contact Us:

Masks Off Email: [email protected]

Masks Off YouTube Channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UCaWJfO7ZFd4aYBX3e-clj9Q

Tia Fagan

Website: tiafagan.com

Kim Gross

Website: unlock-yourmind.com

Email: [email protected]

Episode 8

In episode 7, Kim and Tia talk about the 'People Pleaser' mask. How many of us were conditioned to be the “good girl” when we were growing up?

People pleasers are raised to not assert themselves. Many of us are people pleasers because we are secretly seeking outside validation and approval. While we might think we are helping the other, the truth is that we are trying to fill something within ourselves. Culture has conditioned us to look outward instead of inward for that validation. Often we ignore our gut feeling of what is right for us and forego that feeling in order to be accepted and please the other.

Do you often find yourself saying yes when you really want to say no? Boundaries are a very difficult thing for a people pleaser. “No” is a complete sentence. We do not have to justify when we set a boundary.  Are you willing to explore and if needed, peel back your 'people pleaser' mask and say no and set a boundary?

“The boys looked inside themselves. The girls looked outside themselves. We forgot how to know when we learned how to please. This is why we live hungry.“ ~Untamed by Glennon Doyle

To Contact Us:

Email: [email protected]

Masks Off YouTube Channel: https://youtube.com/channel/UCaWJfO7ZFd4aYBX3e-clj9Q

Tia Fagan

Website: tiafagan.com

Kim Gross

Website: unlock-yourmind.com

Email: [email protected]

Episode 7

How do you show up in your life?

Are you able to be your true self?

Can you show up with others and be a hot mess or do you feel like you need to show the world that everything is fine and perfect?

Do you seek approval through over-achieving and over-perfecting? 

Kim and Tia take a deep dive and explore how we seek approval and validation from the outside rather than going inward and feeling our own validation from ourself.

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy - the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light” ~Brene Brown

To Contact Us:

Tia Fagan

Website: tiafagan.com

Kim Gross

Website: unlock-yourmind.com

Email: [email protected]

Episode 6