Mental Health & Addiction Podcast: Mind Matters by Gordon Bruin

I love a story that was told by Carol Dweck in her book Mindset. Anyway, it's a fantastic book. I'd recommend it. I read it a number of years ago. And, anyway, I come back to it over and over again.

But she talks about the power of just going to work on things. And she tells us a little story. George Danzig was a graduate student in math at Berkeley. One day as usual he rushed in late to do to his math class and quickly copied the 2 homework problems from the blackboard. When he later went to do them he found them very difficult and it took him several days of hard work to crack them open and solve them.

They turned out not to be homework problems at all. They were 2 famous math problems that had never been solved. So think of that. You see, when we when we hear stuff that says, this is gonna be so difficult. You're not gonna be able to do it.

Then we we develop a mindset that it's impossible and maybe it creates a barrier for us. And sometimes if we just go to work, we just put our heads down, go to work, get engaged, fully engaged in whatever we're dealing with, we'd we might be completely surprised at what we're able to accomplish. Anyway, it's just, that's a cool story. Just go to work. Instead of complaining, just go to work.

In today's podcast, wanna talk about the importance of just getting engaged in your life, confronting whatever it is you need to be confronting right now. No matter how difficult, no matter how challenging, you have the power within you to do incredible things. I was listening to a podcast by, William McRaven. He was he's the guy that did your make the bed speech, University of Texas that went viral. If you haven't heard that, I would encourage you to to Google that.

In 2014, it's it's one of the all time, some have said, one of the one of the best speeches commencement addresses ever given. Anyway anyway, in in this podcast I was listening to, he talked about running towards the sound of gunfire. When you when you find the importance of doing that. And before I get further into that, let me let me just tell you a little story that I read from Carol Dweck's book, Mindset. It's a great book.

Would recommend that. And and just kind of the the title that I put on this this little paragraph, instead of complaining, just go to work or run run to the sound of the gun, fight, or run to the sound of of the gun going off. So she tells this story. George Danzig was a graduate student in math at Berkeley. One day as usual, he rushed in late to his math class and quickly copied the 2 homework problems from the blackboard.

When he later went to do them, he found them very difficult, and it took him several days of hard work to crack them open and solve them. And they turned out not to be homework problems at all. They were 2 famous math problems that had never been solved. So if you are are still struggling with issues that have never been solved in your life, just think of the story. Just go to work.

Keep working on them. Don't give up. Don't be too discouraged, because of some past traumatic things that have happened. Absolutely, they impact us. But our only option, the only option is to strive to become fully engaged in our healing and recovery, to take responsibility for ourselves and our life and realize that it's up to us to take our power back.

It's up to us to find our way. Nobody's really coming to to help you. Nobody. And another thing that I remember in in William or in McRaven's podcast, He was the the ultimate leader, you know, at a peer a period of time over in Afghanistan. And he had a right hand man that helped him, that he could bounce ideas off and stuff like that.

And in those difficult days, can you imagine being the leader and just being discouraged on some days? And and just you know, and you're in that position. And he would talk to his right hand man. And sometimes the right hand man would say something to the effect of, you know what? Stop complaining.

You're the leader. You you just need to lead. Nobody cares about your problems. You need you need to and as I've thought about that and and and and working with so many different individuals, I, as a therapist, care and do listen about problems and struggles and challenges, but most other people in life, they really don't. They just they're busy with their own stuff.

They just don't care. They want it they don't wanna listen to someone complaining all the time. And then this is the story that, William McCraven tells about running to the sound of gunfire. And to illustrate this, and and the interview said this, to illustrate this, you talk about a professor. His name a professor from Bowdoin College named Joshua Chamberlain, who played a vital role in the Battle of Gettysburg.

Tell us a little bit about Joshua Chamberlain and his significance. And, Admiral McCraven says, The point of the chapter of running to the sound of guns is exemplified by Joshua Chamberlain. So, a college professor gets called up to lead the 20th Maine during the Civil War, and Chamberlain, who is not a career soldier, but he gets put in charge of the 20th and pulls them together as a fighting unit. In early July of 18/63, the Union forces arrive at a small town in Pennsylvania called Gettysburg. And within the next day, the Confederate forces show up in Gettysburg as well, and the Union forces have arrayed their men and their soldiers, along what's called Cemetery Cemetery Ridge.

It's a little bit of a high ground in Gettysburg, and the Confederate forces under John B. Hood show up and Robert E. Lee, and Robert E. Lee and Hood wear Cemetery Ridge as a tactical military standpoint, that if you can break the center, then you can split the forces, and your chances of defeating the enemy are much larger. So, John Kerry realizes that Hood wants to break the center, so he takes the folks from the flanks, particularly from the left flank where the 20th main is, and he moves them to the center.

But in doing that, he exposes the left flank of Cemetery Ridge, deeply exposed deeply exposing the left flank. Well, Hood sees an opportunity because the only thing worse than breaking the center is turning the line against tactical tactical terms if you can get to one side of the enemy or the other and you turn them where your forces are sweeping down and they're in line perpendicular to where where and you're gonna win. So Hood realizes, here's a chance to get 3 or 4 times the force necessary. He charges up what's called the Little Round Top at the Flank of Cemetery Ridge, and Joshua Chamberlain is there, and he has already been wounded by shrapnel once, maybe twice at that point in time. And now the rebel forces are making their way up the hill where they're about to take the little round top and turn the line.

Chamberlain realizes he has got to lead his forces into the teeth of the Confederate forces, So he draws his sword, yells to the men to fix bayonet, and he leads the charge down the hill against the rebel forces and pushes back the rebel forces that day and saves little Round Top. Now and this is the point of the story. Sorry. That was all this military stuff that not many people really understand, including myself. I'd have to get into the tactical stuff of that.

But but this is what admiral McCraven says now. Now you think about that for just one minute. So Joshua Chamberlain, one man, because he ran to the sound of guns, because he attacked the problem head on, didn't retreat, he knew he had to go right into the teeth of the problem. He saves little Roundtop, and saving Little Round Top, he saved cemetery Ridge, and saving Cemetery Ridge, he saved the Battle of Gettysburg. And saving the Battle of Gettysburg, he probably saved the Union, and in saving the Union, he saved America and saved the world.

One man's decision that you never heard about saved the country and impacted the world. And and and and then closing with this, he says, the time has come for you to start figuring out what you believe. Oh, these are my own words. Sorry. I just typed something after it.

The time has come for for all of us to start figuring out what we believe. Not what our parents believed, our friends believed, but what you believe. What you're willing to commit yourself to. What kind of life did you wanna live, and how are the small choices you're starting to make right now? This is the I I was I was writing this for a group of graduating seniors that I was speaking to.

What small choices you're starting to make right now, and how are those small choices going to impact your life? I just think it's it's helpful. I just love the concept of of running to the sound of the battle rather than retreating. It shows a proactive attitude. And and and the other thing that I I think the message we can get from some some great military leaders is they had to deal with very, very challenging, difficult, horrific situations, but they just don't they just don't spend time complaining about them.

They spend time just doing what you can do because it just doesn't do any good to sit around complaining. The only thing we can do is get engaged, fully engaged, actively engaged, moving forward. What can I do today? And if you find yourself sitting in a depressed state or feeling that way, just get up and move. Go for a walk.

Get yourself moving. Not that it relieves it all completely, but do something. Stay engaged in your life. Back again to something that I've mentioned in many of these podcasts or a few of the podcasts. Okay?

Two circles. The inner circle, things I have control over. Outer circle, things I really don't control. Take a look at your life where you're spending most of your time and energy and where your expectations lie. Don't let frustrated expectations destroy your peace too much.

Use some wisdom in setting expectations, and don't put specific time frames on certain things if you can help it. Now I know that's not possible when we have a work project due, and school assignments due. So there's there's some, you know, usefulness in putting time frames on things, right, having to go with a specific time frame. But there are other things in life that are truly outside of our control that putting a time frame on them will create create immense suffering and will not help you in any way. So, anyway, the takeaway from this podcast, there really is just full engagement.

Run to the sound of the guns. K? You see an issue, anywhere that there's an issue in your life, if you feel you can do something about it that's within your power to control and influence, well, just engage and do something about it. And then and then it's it's on to the next and to the next. It's just a more it just seems like a a healthier way to approach life and to be engaged and take charge and be responsible for who you are.

Quit allowing what other people have done in our past, the betrayals, the traumas. Quit allowing them to have so much power in your life. So again, think about these two circles. The outer circle is all those things in the past that have happened to us. We can't control the fact that certain things have happened to us.

We cannot control that there are certain types of people in the world. One of the things that has been so hard for many of those that I've been working with in in therapy is that they just can't wrap their head around that there are certain people that will do certain things. Well, we just have to accept the fact that there are. There are people out there that will do crazy things. There are people out there that will do things that you would never do, but you cannot allow that to destroy your peace.

You're not responsible for that. You're responsible for you. So come back to the inner circle. Do what you can to be fully engaged and take charge of of the things you can take charge of, and have a a a gentle letting go in a sense of of releasing so much power the expectations in the outer circles seem to have on us to see if that can help loosen things up for you and find a little more peace in your journey.

In today's podcast, I would like to introduce you to a certain way of thinking that has been extremely helpful in overcoming very challenging situations. And it it's it's a concept called the Stockdale paradox. Jim Stockdale was a military pilot who was shot down in the Vietnam War in 1967. He was the highest ranking military official who stayed in a prison that that had the name of the Hanoi Hilton, where the North Vietnamese periodically would take him out and torture him during his 7 year stay there. And he was tortured over 20 times.

He never knew when it was going to happen, and and he was not certain whether he would ever get out. But after 7 years being in these horrendous circumstances, he was liberated and, came back to America. And he was being interviewed by the by the authors of the the the book Good to Great. Jim Collins was his name. And the question was asked to him, admiral Stockdale, how how did you make it through this this horrific experience?

And Stockdale said, I didn't allow myself to get depressed because I clung to an unwavering faith that in the end, I would prevail and that I would get out and that I would use this experience, this horrific experience, as a defining period in my life, that I would learn from it and that I would grow and I would become stronger. And then here's the interesting thing about the Stockdale paradox. The question was then asked to him, well, who who didn't make it out? What was the difference between you and those who didn't make it out? And his response was very interesting, and it take gives us a moment to pause and reflect on that.

And he and the response was, oh, that was easy. It was the optimists. The optimists? What do you mean the optimists? Yeah.

Those who thought they were gonna get out by Christmas. That's what he meant by being optimistic. They had a they had a time stamp on when they were get out of the trouble that they were in. And what would happen that the time that they expected that they were gonna get liberated came and went, and it and it didn't happen. And those guys ended up dying of a broken heart.

So their their their mind just shut down, and then their bodies quickly succumbed to the torture, the disease, and everything else they had to deal with. It's also this is a it's a it's a great story to help us understand how our mindset truly impacts how our bodies respond to things. And and at the same time, because this is this is an interesting story. Right? Because we've been taught our whole life, oh my goodness.

It's it's much better to be an optimist than a pessimist. Quit being so pessimistic. So what Stockdale the Stockdale Paradox teaches us, he was not an optimist nor was he a pessimist. He was a realist. He he says, I had to confront the brutal reality of the situation in which I found myself.

I knew where I was. I knew what I was dealing with, and I I wasn't a pessimist because I hung on to the unwavering faith that I would be liberated someday and that I would prevail. He would not allow, any of those guards or anything that was happening in the Hanoi Hilton destroy that. It it reminds me of a statement by Viktor Frankl who found himself in similar situations where he said, everything can be taken from a man but one thing, the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. Between stimulus and response, there is a space, and in that space is our power to choose our response, and in our response lies our growth and our freedom.

There's also some fantastic work done by Bruce Lipton, who wrote a book called The Biology of Belief, and he clearly taught us that cells respond to the environments. Like he says, there's a there's a quote I have written down, just like a single cell, the character of our lives is determined not by our genes, but by our responses to the environment, environmental signals that propel life. He was a cellular biologist and saw how the cell responded to the environment, determined determined everything. And that it would always try to cling towards something nutritious in a positive way and flee from from the negative type things. But, anyway, Stockdale Paradox, he was not an optimist nor a pessimist.

He was realist. Confronting, being responsible with what is in front of them right now with with a positive attitude, going forward in an overriding faith that in the end, everything would work out okay. And this there there's also a similar story in the book Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. As you recall, Viktor Frankl was, a survivor of a German concentration camp that he spent a a number of years there. I think it was 3 years.

And and and listen to a couple of things that he said. It was such a difficult situation in which they found themselves. It's hard for us to wrap around. Our heads wrap around the reality of living in such a state, but this is what he said. I became disgusted with the state of affairs which compelled me daily and hourly to think only of such trivial things.

And he was talking about, oh, what am I gonna what if I trade today for a little little piece of bread or, you know, a piece of clothing, and he was just squabbling with those he was living with in the concentration camp, and he just got disgusted with it. Now this is what he said. And compare this to what Jim Stockdale said about having unwavering faith in the future that he would prevail and get out of his circumstance. This is what Viktor Frankl said. I forced my thoughts to turn to another subject.

Suddenly, I saw myself, he pictured himself, in the future. I saw myself standing on the platform of a well lit, warm, and pleasant lecture room. In front of me sat an attentive audience, uncomfortable upholstered seats. I was giving a lecture on the psychology of the concentration camp. All that oppressed me at that moment became objective, seen and described from the remote viewpoint of science.

By this method, I succeeded somehow in rising situation, above the suffering of the moment, and I observe them as if they were already of the past. That's fascinating. Now Viktor Frankl also tells a story that that corroborates what Jim Stockdale said about about what he turned an optimist of giving a time frame that something would work out. And this is what he said. The prisoner who lost faith in the future was doomed.

I once had a dramatic demonstration of the close link between the loss of faith in the future and this dangerous giving up. And he called, this this individual f. F, my senior block warden was a fella fairly well known composer and libertist. He confided in me one day and he said, doctor, I would like to tell you something. I have had a strange dream.

A voice told me that I could wish for something, that I could only say what I wanted to know and my questions would be answered. Well, what do you think I asked? That I would like to know when the war would be over for me. You know what I mean, doctor? For me.

I wanted to know when we, our camp, would be liberated, Our sufferings come to an end. And when when did you have this dream? I asked. In February 1945, he answered. It was it it was then the beginning of March.

Well, what did what did your dream voice answer? Assertively, he whispered to me, March 30th. When f told me about his dream, he was still full of hope and convinced that the voice of his dream would be right. But as the promised day grew nearer, the war news that reached our camp made it appear very unlikely that we would be free on the promised date. On March 29th, F suddenly became ill and ran a high temperature.

On March 30th, the day his prophecy had told him that the war and his suffering would be over for him, he became delirious and lost consciousness. On March 31st, he was dead. From outward appearances, he had died of typhus. Those who know how close the connection is between the state of the mind of man, his courage, his hope, or lack of them, and the state of immunity of his body understand that the sudden loss of hope and courage can have a deadly effect. The ultimate cause of my friend's death was that the expected liberation did not come, and he was severely disappointed.

This suddenly lowered his body's resistance again against the latent typhus infection. His faith in the future and his will to live had become paralyzed, and his body fell victim to to the illness. Another thing that Viktor Frankl said, the doctor of the camp informed me that the death rate during the week after Christmas increased exponentially. People had a dream to to be home for Christmas, and when that didn't happen, many just gave up and their bodies fell victim to the to the disease. So one of the things I'd like to leave you with today is encourage you to have unwavering faith no matter what you have been through, that you will prevail in the end.

Your only task is to choose to be responsible for your own life, for your own actions, to you know, one of the things I say to many of the clients that I work with, I just say draw 2 circles. The inner circle is things that I have control over. The outer circle of things I do not have control over. Most of the suffering that I have seen in individuals' lives has to do because we're spending so much time in the outer circle. We're frustrated because their expectations aren't met by other people.

My husband isn't this way. My wife isn't this way. I'm so disappointed. I'm let down here, there, or the other. So it's just it just doesn't seem to be very useful or helpful when we let our expectations get out of control.

So then you might ask the question, well, how do we live in a world without any expectations? And that's when I say you've got to use some wisdom. Yes. We need expectations. You need dreams.

Right? It's it's something that Michelangelo said, the greater danger lies in not setting our sights too high and falling short, but in setting our sights too low and achieving our mark. So in other words, yeah, we got a dream. We've got to have hope and expectations. But with the time frames that we put on our expectations, especially when it we're dealing with character flaws and other people whom we're around.

Now I'm I'm never I'm never suggesting that someone stay in a stay in a relationship that is extremely abusive in any way, shape, or form. You you've gotta find wisdom in how you need to navigate through your life. But what I am what I am encouraging you to think about is that you have a capacity within you to control what's in your inner circle, Take responsibility for that, full responsibility for that. Do what you can and kinda have a gentle surrendering, power through surrendering, into the reality that you cannot control certain things. And you cannot control the past.

You cannot change what has transpired in your life. None of us can. But we can control what we choose to do with that right here, right now, today. And and and move forward trying to cling to or creating a faith that in the end, somehow, some way, things are going to work out, and all of the things that you truly desire, somehow, some way, someday will will come about. And in the meantime, you can you can just put one foot in front of the other.

Do the very best you can. Just go to work. And it's in work that you can lose yourself and and and just be just be confident that that you're doing something about your situation today. And in that, there can be a sense of of lightening up, a sense of peace. But don't don't expect every single problem that you're dealing with to evaporate or go away.

It just doesn't that's not life. It's not life. It's we are meant to have challenges and struggles, but they are if we if we can have the mindset that whatever we're dealing with, whatever thorn in the flesh we're dealing with, that we will not give up on confronting it, looking at it. We will not let it discourage us to the point of giving up that we will well, if we need to course correct, certainly we can course correct. But keep moving forward keep moving forward and working on the realization of your dreams and healing and getting and and feeling better and better about your life as you're taking responsibility for the things you can and not allowing the past to hold you hostage.

Drugs, alcohol, pornography, whatever it is. Those type of things are pleasurable to that part of the brain. It's just the way it is. It's natural. It's it's it's the normal response to how the brain works.

And then as we have science has been able to understand more fully how that limbic part of the brain works, right, 3 prime directives, survive by avoiding pain seeking pleasure. And as we go through life, we come across things. We experience things that create pleasure. And then and then after our brain, also in the limbic system, it's a little place called the hippocampus mainly involved in memory. So all of the things we experience, the brain remembers.

So it remembers what it's like to take your your first drug, your first drink of alcohol, come across sexuality for the first time in puberty, the brain remembers how exciting that is. Then we go through the normal process of life, which is hard, which is stressful, which is very complicated, whether it's dealing with relationships or a myriad of other things. Okay? And then the the when we experience difficult things, there's many acronyms that we use in the addiction field. 1 is BLAST, blast, stands for being bored, lonely, angry, stressed, or tired.

And through the years when I've asked clients, well, how often do you feel in one of those states? And they just smile and go, well, all the time. The question is, when do I not feel in in one of those states? And how the brain works naturally, it doesn't like those states. And so you see the setup?

And so when you're dealing with the realities of life, that they're hard, they're challenging, there's many obstacles, the brain by nature wants to avoid that stuff. It wants to find a a way out of any type of pain, emotional pain or physical pain. So when we come across experiences that create pleasure, the brain will go back to them. And so let's just say, I'm I'm working with an individual right now who who is struggling with medical marijuana. And that, it was prescribed for sleep, not for any other physical pain.

K? Just for sleep. I don't know why the doctor would do that. And, anyway, she's become, in her own words, completely addicted to it. And for 3 years, has not been able to go more than 2 hours without using before we started working together.

And it it was destroying her life. She was sneaking around at work, going to take a puff. She was driving with it in her system. And, anyway, she said, I'm just so tired of the way it's making me feel. So this is how addiction works.

We experiment with something, and then you keep doing it. And through a period of time, your tolerance increases. And then then as you continue to use, you start to come come in contact with negative consequences. You don't like something about it. It's like like this one individual that I've been working with.

Amazing. And she's just such an amazing person. And she's tormented by it. She's literally weeping and crying. She says, why can't I stop?

So I explained how the limbic part of the brain worked. It will always wanna go back to that. It's trying to protect you. It's not trying to it's it's it's kinda it's what the beast part of the brain is just doing what it does. And when you try to yell at it and scream at it, it simply is counterproductive and makes it makes it crave more.

And so, anyway, so back to the development of an addiction. Then you have negative consequences, and then you make a commitment to stop. From the prefrontal part of the brain, you're saying, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm just I'm done. And as I've heard that story a 1000 times, and and then they go back to it despite the negative consequences.

And that that right there is the sentence that, like, this is an addiction thing. If you've made a commitment to stop doing a certain behavior over and over again and you repeatedly go back to the behavior that's creating negative consequences, you have an addiction. There's something that's out of control. You're not able to direct your behavior from the prefrontal rational, logical, judgmental part of your brain. It's the instinctive part of your brain that's driving your behavior, and that is what drives people crazy.

We do not like to have our freedom taken. We do not like to feel that we are controlled by something. And so as I just thinking of these this particular individual that I've been working with, just to see the the the complete sorrow and heartbreak on her face as she just she just starts weeping during sessions and and and lamenting. Why can't I stop? And so we clearly address the reality.

There's an addiction here. This is the part of the brain that in explaining it. And I and I believe and I've learned through the years that if you can help people understand what is going on, how it's connected in in in her case and in most cases with pleasure and then sometimes associated with covering up her trauma. And in her case, it's very interesting. She was in an abusive relationship, a bad relationship with a guy that they used together all the time, and he broke broken off with her.

Said horrible things to her. Like, I just don't wanna be with you. You're not the one I wanna be with. And so they broke off. She's moved on with her life, but she's hanging on and and were able to identify her use was associated with trying to hang on with him in a subconscious way.

And so we identified that. We did EMDR, eye movement desensitization reprocessing with some of her past trauma associated with that. And here's an interesting side note with EMDR. Often, after EMDR is is done in a session, the week thereafter, sometimes 2 weeks, life becomes a little more difficult. It's like you stir things up, like she said.

And after our EMDR session, the the following week, we've done a few sessions. It's just been really difficult. And then then something shifted within her. It's like the brain was trying to, unpeel layer after layer of of what she was really dealing with and how the addiction was associated with a real bad relationship that was not good for her. She was able to identify that.

And and then and then we talked about something that I think is so critical to understand. And when when overcoming an addiction, there comes a period of time when you've just got to and I know this sounds a little weird. You just gotta lean into the pain. You just have to sit with it. And as as we were talking about this in one of our previous sessions, you know, it says, look.

You're all a part of you is always going to wanna use again. Your brain is just doing what it does. It's not bad. You don't need to yell at the limbic part of the brain. You just need to go, oh, there you are.

I understand how you work, limbic system. I acknowledge that. I'm not gonna fight you. Thank you for trying to take my pain away. But and then and then just acknowledging and this is what I said to her.

It says that and just acknowledging to yourself from the prefrontal part of the brain because the limbic system doesn't really use the same language. It uses feelings and emotions and drives. And so I said, just acknowledge in the prefrontal part of the brain, they're saying and play the tape all the way through. I know that this particular addictive behavior does not does not give me what I'm really looking for. It does not provide lasting peace satisfaction.

And and and and then that and then back to the leaning into the pain, I said, so you're always gonna have it. Jack Tim Trippie, the developer of Rational Recovery, uses the the the cognitive behavioral tool of when a trigger comes, just you name it it, capital I t. Instead of saying, I want to go use again, I've got I've got to have my weed. Say it it, my limbic system, a part of me that does that by nature craves that and wants that. I don't want that because I know what it's doing to me.

It's clouding my mind. It's messing up my judgment. I feel crummy in my head after using all the time. And and so I I wanna break free of that. But so just keep that thought in your mind when the craving hits, and then just sometimes you just have to sit with it and lean into it.

As we talked about that, what that's like. And I said something really interesting will happen. If you're able and I and and not if. I says you are capable if you choose to just sit with it. There will come a time when you're bored, lonely, angry, stressed, tired, and it's hitting you, feeling like it's going to absolutely take control of you.

Just acknowledge it, call it out, put your arm around it in in a sense, and just sit with it. Just sit with it. Sit there and just say, oh, there you are. I'm not gonna do what you are telling me to do, but I'm also not going to yell at you and scream at you. I'm just gonna sit with you.

And and and then and I remember the session where, we got on and and and many, many sessions we have had previous to this particular session when she says, I wasn't able to do it this week. I I used you know, first of all, she said, I just wanna go 6 hours without using. And I was able to do that one day and then went right back into it. Anyway, this one particular session she got on, she says, I've been completely sober for 7 days, and I feel like it got a a totally new person. I said, well, what what happened?

How did that happen? And she says, I did what you asked me to do. I just leaned into the pain. I just sat with it. And I go, yeah.

Isn't that interesting? And you didn't die, did you? She goes, nope. And she says, my thinking is clear. I threw away all my paraphernalia, and I'm I and now now we can start working on some other stuff as as we continue to move forward, you know, with her life plan and and some of the other obstacles that she's facing right now.

But and and I've seen this a number of times with individuals that I've worked with. So I think it's just important to understand that there's no such thing as a one and done. This is life. She's gonna continue to struggle. And so in our sessions, and after after that session, I I said, okay.

So what are you gonna do when the triggers come again? She goes, yeah. I'll just sit with it. And so and so the dance of life. Right?

So the reality that there's no such thing as one and done, there's just living, there's just commitment to striving to live a healthier life, but I just want you to know that it's possible. I'm telling you this individual, if you were to sit down and listen to her months ago, you would say there's no way this person's ever gonna get better. And I'm telling you today, she's clean and sober, free, has not ingested any any marijuana. And it and it and it really did just happen like that with her. Now does that guarantee that there's not gonna be a slip down?

Of course not. Not with anybody. But I also know individuals who were addicted to OxyContin, opiates. I'm thinking of another individual that I've that I've worked with. He he has been completely clean and sober for at least 5 years now.

So it's possible that the process the process of healing sometimes just requires leaning into the pain. Pain isn't going to kill you. The cravings aren't gonna kill you. They the limbic part of the brain won't make you think that you're gonna die, but you're not. And if you're able to sit with it for a period of time and the limbic system understands you're not gonna go do the behavior, all of a sudden, it'll find something else to spend its time and energy on because it's not gonna get what it wants.

And so it's well, let me let me see if I can figure out something else. I'm gonna go out in the garage, and I'm gonna work, or I'm gonna go out in the garden and work. And as you do that, life becomes increasingly more manageable, and and it just becomes better. So, anyway, I just just was thinking of that this morning. I hope this podcast comes out okay.

I'm super early in the morning, and I'm driving to the gym and just had those thoughts in my mind. And and, hopefully, the recording is good enough that, we'll be able to to get this out to you. Hopefully, it will be helpful. There's someone out there in the universe. Just know that things are possible.

Change it possible. Sometimes miracles do happen, and just hang on to that thought and believe that miracle can be you and can happen to you.

I was reminded this morning of a favorite passage from a book that's had a profound impact on millions of people throughout the years. The book is called The Road Less Traveled by m Scott Peck. And he says this. And the reason why I'm reading these these first couple of paragraphs, I just relate it to what I'm experiencing in life right now with not only myself, but all the clients that I'm currently working with, and all the clients that I've worked with through the years. And I think this is a profound truth that's helpful to get to get our feet grounded.

This is what it says, life is difficult. This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult, once we truly understand and accept it, then life no longer becomes difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.

And it seems like when I'm working with my clients, and have been through the years, they come into therapy because they're looking for a resolution to the challenges that they're presently facing. And I'm reminded of something that I recently heard from John Gottman, who is, one of the leading researchers in the world as it relates to relationship issues, couples issues. And his research. The purpose behind it is to help individuals understand what prosperous couples do, people who make it in their relationships, and those that don't make it. So he has some wonderful information out there.

But the thing I wanted to highlight this morning is something that I heard. He says, you know, we follow people for a number of years, And he says 70% of the problems that people were dealing with years earlier, they're still dealing with today. In in essence And they're still together, and they're happy, and they figured out a way to manage them. The point is the problems don't go away. Personalities don't really change that much.

We can learn how to manage the obstacle that's in front of us, but it but the challenges never go away. And back to, mscottpeck in his book, just another little part of of the following paragraph. And this is what I see in most of the clients that have come to see me also, relating to life is challenging and difficult. Most do not fully see this truth, that life is difficult. Instead, they moan more or less incessantly, noisily or subtly, about the enormity of their problems, their burdens, and their difficulties, as if life were generally easy, as if it should be easy.

And in end of quoting the book, the reality is that our challenges never end. They're not supposed to end. There's purpose behind the obstacle that is before us. It's a wonderful book out by Ryan Holiday, I would recommend it. It's called The Obstacle is the Way.

Draws on a lot of, stoic, philosophers, their thoughts. And Marcus Aurelius, one of the last great Roman emperors, he said this. He says, impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way. So as we we look at our lives, and we look at sometimes our troubling thoughts, and I have a lot of individuals I'm I'm working with right now where they're dealing with anxiety and depression, troubling thoughts.

The thoughts are not so much the issue. We don't control where thoughts come from. We all have strange thoughts. We all have discouraging thoughts. As a matter of fact, our brain is built from the from the emotional limbic part of the brain.

It's built to have it, what's called a negativity bias. The brain looks for negative things. It scans for negative things, because those are the things that can harm us and hurt us. And when we understand that's how the brain works, then we can kind of chill out a little bit and not be expecting to reach this place where our problems are all taken care of. That's just not life.

It's not how it works. Every single day as we roll through life, there's gonna be different challenges and obstacles. The car breaks down. We have a flat tire. We have a a poor interaction with someone with work.

Maybe they're not doing well that day. It's just the constant process of life. But when we embrace that, it's a concept that I also call power through surrender. When we surrender to the things we cannot change, and and and also fits into the serenity prayer. Right?

God, grant me this serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. But the main concept that I want to focus on in in this podcast is just accepting the reality that we're supposed to have challenges. We're supposed to go through things that are hard. It's like when we go to school, right, we're we're not supposed to understand everything. We're supposed to learn.

That's why it's frustrating. That's why it it mental health is learning to have more of a a positive relationship with pain. Pain is not a bad thing, in and of itself, if we learn from it. And it's something also, I was thinking this morning of, as I was working out at the gym, one of the things that I've committed to in my life is regular, physical activity. As a therapist, I think it's the healthiest thing that I can do to keep myself grounded.

I I wake up every morning at 4 o'clock. I'm to the gym by 5. I work out a minimum of 2 hours every day, and every single day, I hurt, I struggle, and sometimes I come home at night, and I'm I'm exhausted at the end of the day, and I'll tell my wife. I say, Hey, you know, honey, I'm not I'm not getting up tomorrow. I'm gonna sleep in, and and she just looks at me and raises raises her eyebrows and goes, yeah.

Oh, okay. And she just kinda smiles. Because she knows, when 4 o'clock comes, I'm gonna get up and go to the gym. I've committed myself to that. So the thoughts that I have is like, no, you can't do this.

No, this is too hard. It's you need some time off. And so I listen to those thoughts, and I pay attention to them, and I'm I'm not talking about if I really get hurt or something like that, then I'm not gonna go to the gym. I'm just talking about normal, it's challenging. It's hard to go through the routine that I go through.

But I've made a commitment to do those things. I've made a commitment to act in a certain way, in spite of the natural thoughts that I have that say, don't do this. Don't do that other rep. It's too hard. You don't need to do so much.

I'm I'm constantly wrestling with that. It's it's so so the thing is, I don't get mad at those thoughts anymore, because I cannot control where they come from. It's constantly a wrestle with those things, but I've chosen to live a certain valued life that I want to live for myself in spite of all the negative thoughts that I have. And so learning to focus on your actions rather than what your negative thoughts are telling you is is an important part of life, and you And we all can do that. But but I no longer get frustrated with those thoughts because they're gonna come.

Too many people that I work with are really disturbed by their thoughts. We all have weird thoughts. Every human being has weird thoughts. There's a lot of weird things going on in the world. They're strange things.

You see things on TV. I'm I'm dealing with a young 18 year old, boy who just turned 18 years old, and he is just so wigged out because of some of his thoughts. And when I said to him, that's just normal. Everyone has weird thoughts, and that's happened a number of times throughout the years in in dealing with clients, and they go, oh, really? Do other people have these fleeting thoughts too?

I said, of course they do. That's normal. It's just life. Don't be wigged out by them. They're just thoughts.

You can say, instead of, you know, saying, I feel this way. You can say, I have a thought that is saying this right now. Get some distance. Diffuse from that thought a little bit, and it can give you a little distance. So again, just just pay attention to your thoughts and feelings, and realize that you can act differently from your negative thoughts in accordance with the values that you have chosen for yourself, and therein lies your power.

It's not what your thoughts say. It's what you end up doing. So every morning, when I come home from the gym, there's a part of me that feels a great sense of satisfaction, even though I've been wrestling with my thoughts through the whole process. Because I'm where I wanna be physically, and there's a million different excuses. I'm 65 this year, and I don't think I've ever been in better shape physically.

So for those of you who are a little older, let's not use age as an excuse. And if if you get to the point where you retire, oh my goodness, you have all the time in the world to focus on getting your body and and your mental health in shape, but it's a continual process. There's no such thing as one and done. And so so when when you let that go, that you don't You you There's this never There's never this place of arrival. There is only being, and finding positive engagement and activity in the journey.

That is where life begins to have a deeper meaning. Not that we reach this certain place. So, anyway, those are my thoughts this morning. Hope you have a fantastic day.

We're never meant to be fully satisfied. If we were fully satisfied, what would then happen? We would never work on making any progress. It just seems like it's inherent in each individual that I've ever come across in life that they were always striving. We're always working on things.

We're always trying to develop and become better and better. And there just seems to be some purpose in in this process. You know, a good question that, I came across the other day as we're looking into our future. And, you know, like, for example, where are we gonna be 5 years from now in our lives? And this is the question that is that struck me and I think is powerful for for us to consider.

What will I regret not having done at some future date? As we look at our lives and I'm thinking of Bonnie Ware, individual who worked with those who were dying. And then she wrote a book on that, the 5 regrets of of I think it's called the 5 regrets of the dying. As individuals are reflecting on their life in the last few months of their life, the top regret is not having lived the life that they really wanted to. That should cause us to stop and reflect on where we are.

What is it that we want to do with our lives? And if if again, back to this question, what will I regret not having done at some future date? And we can't let this this overwhelming striving for perfection stop us from acting in some way towards our goal. Sometimes the expectations we set for ourselves are so high that it it and it seems so impossible that we remain kinda stuck and frozen. The fear of not being able to achieve what we want to achieve just makes us not even attempt.

And as we're as and also as this relates to the relationships in which we might find ourselves struggling in. I'm doing some relationship counseling with, well, with a number of couples right now. And I was listening to a presentation by John Gottman, who is one of the world's leading researchers on relationships and how how the positive, relationships or those who seem to do well in relationships, how they manage things. And that he said something really interesting in his presentation, and this goes back to the very first thing I I talked about in this podcast that we always seem to have obstacles. He said that those individuals that they have followed for a number of years who are successful in their relationships never fully solve the issues that they're dealing with.

It's like he's followed some couples for 10 years and 10 years later, they're still kind of dealing with the same issues that they were dealing with. But it's the way they do it determines whether they're gonna be successful or not. And here are 3 things that he said. Three things to ponder about dealing with difficult situations and especially as it relates to relationships. The first thing he said, he calls it love map.

And that means that if you if you really love another person, you'll strive to take an interest in them. Like seriously from your perspective asking questions to them. How are you how well do you really know your partner? Like the following questions. How are you feeling about your job?

How are you feeling about being a mother, a wife? How do you feel about being an employee and just putting off the judgment and criticism and listening listening to to your partner to try to understand them. Ask a number of questions and don't think don't think you really understand unless you you dive deep in and ask questions and strive to listen to them. And that's what he calls a love map. Number 2, showing fondness and and and again, these are the three things that happen in those in relationships that last and make it.

The other is showing a fondness and appreciation or admiration for your partner. In one couple he was dealing with and they they came to a retreat he was putting on and he asked the husband, well, what how do you tell me about the feelings of your wife when you first met her. And he said things like, man, I I was so impressed with her. She was so intelligent. I admire her admired her capacity to work and to focus.

I respected her so much and was was proud of how accomplished she she seemed. And then, Gottman asked the husband a question, have you ever told your wife that? Does your spouse know that? And he asked the spouse the question and she said, I never knew he actually had those feelings towards me. Because he never said anything like that.

So that's showing fondness and appreciation. And then this last one is called tiny moments. Is so profoundly significant. And in all of our interactions with with our partners or those in our circle of relationships, there are tiny bids for attention, and he uses this example. And and see how this applies to your life.

A spouse was looking out the window of their apartment, and she said something. Oh, and and they were actually in Washington at the time, the state of Washington, looking over a river, and there was a beautiful yacht going by. And she said, oh, man. There's a beautiful yacht going by. The husband was sitting over on the couch, you know, cleaning his glasses and and that the husband could respond in a number of different ways.

And this is what he calls turning towards or turning away. So, so if the spouse said, she looks outside and she makes a comment, it's a bid for attention. She makes that comment so that the spouse will turn towards her and show fondness and appreciation like so the most productive way for the spouse to respond would be, oh, let me come and see honey and he'd get up and come over and look and go, wow. Whether he really wanted to look at a yacht or he felt the same way, it was the wife's bid for attention. Hey.

Pay attention to me. I'm looking at something out there. Am I a value to you? And if he would get up and go over and and show some attention and appreciation, the wife feels valued, feels important. Or now consider this, the guy could sit on the couch and just completely stonewall her, not say anything, keep keep cleaning his glasses and not respond to her.

What is the message to his wife? You're not important. That's silly. Who cares about a yacht? That's one way to respond.

Now, what if he said, and he even said something to that effect? You know, come on. Why don't you make dinner? Why aren't you doing something else? Why are you wasting time looking out the window?

These tiny moments from from John Gottman, who is one of the world's leading researchers on relationships. He says, these tiny moments turning towards or turning against are one of the prime predictors of whether a relationship will survive the challenges and obstacles that are just inherent in all relationships in life. The reality is no two people see the same thing the same way. One of the greatest examples of this is is, a number of years ago there was a woman who put a wedding dress online. And the simple question was, is this what do you see in this wedding dress?

And the question is, is it gold and white or blue and black? And I've actually done this this with, some of my family members. I, when I and you you can just Google it. The gold and white dress, the blue or black dress, and it'll come up. It's fascinating to me because I look at it, it's clearly gold and white.

And I was with my son-in-law and I and I was explaining this to him. He says, Really? Let me see that. And then and then I showed him the picture and he says, I see blue and black. And I said, No, it's gold and white.

And he said, No, it's blue and black. And my understanding is about 60% of the people see gold and white, and 40% of the people see blue and black. Therefore, we can never say with certainty that someone sees these things the same way we see. So trying to pay attention to another person's point of view, trying to honor them and see things from their perspective, especially as it relates to relationships, enhances the probability that that you can improve your relationship and that and that, you know, life can be a little easier. It takes us, each one of us, to take a look inside of ourselves and take the focus off of ourselves and put that focus on another person.

Anyway, something to think about. So the 3 three things, love mapping, asking a number of questions, open ended questions, learn everything you can about your partner, Show fondness and appreciation. Does your spouse know the positive things you feel towards towards them? And tiny moments, bids for attention. Paying attention and showing appreciation in those moments.

In today's podcast, I'm discussing Judith Herman's seminal work "Trauma and Recovery," which I highly recommend for anyone interested in understanding or healing from trauma. Herman outlines three key stages of recovery: establishing safety, remembrance and mourning, and reconnection with everyday life.

These stages resonate with the fundamental human needs for understanding, care, and help. In a previous episode on secrecy, I mentioned the addiction recovery adage that we're as sick as our secrets. This idea is exemplified by Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme scandal during the 2008 housing crisis. Madoff couldn't bear to disappoint investors; he took their money without investing it and paid returns with funds from new investors until everything collapsed when clients demanded their money back.

Madoff had kept his fraudulent activities secret even from his family. His case illustrates how easy it can be to deceive others when perceived as an expert—a cautionary tale about ego and vulnerability.

The core message here is the importance of finding a safe space to share one’s truth—this could be transformative. Therapists offer such environments where stories are heard without judgment. Unburdening oneself of secrets can lead to reconnecting with society—an essential step towards healing that cannot happen in isolation.

If you struggle in relationships or trust issues due to betrayal, consider therapy or support groups but proceed cautiously while honoring your feelings throughout this journey toward self-trust.

And it says I'm just reading the paragraph. During our next meeting, she told me she had also been raped by her lab instructor in college. I asked her whether she had sought help and made a complaint against him. She states, I couldn't make myself cross the road to the clinic, she replied. I was desperate for help, but as I stood there, I felt very deeply that I would only be hurt even more, and that might well have been true.

Of course, I had to hide what happened from my parents and from everyone else. And that's something to be carrying that around with you because and I've I've I've heard this so many times with individuals struggling with things. They they felt that if they opened up and talked about what was going on with them, they'd be hurt even more. I would encourage anyone who might be listening to this podcast who is carrying deep secrets around with them that they get into therapy or they find a clergyman or some form of confession that that you're able to go and unfettered yourself, unburden yourself with carrying this load. I'm working with another individual right now who he has struggled with a sexual addiction.

And as you listen to his story, I mean, his marriage is in in jeopardy right now because he's finally come clean with everything. But he's kinda, like, born again. But now the reality is because of what he's done, the consequences has affected his wife, and she's choosing to stay with him, but yet it's created all sorts of issues in his relationship that I'll that I'll discuss in a little bit. But as I listen to his story, I have compassion for him. Whereas as and and I see why it's so hard to come clean with things because of now the consequences he's dealing with and as I've seen so much in people's lives.

So he describes himself as a wallflower. He was never included in any groups, and he he just kinda made it through high school and, and then went to college, but he, you know, never had any relationships, was super shy. Girls didn't find him attractive and, or he just didn't have enough confidence to develop a relationship. He's not he's not an unattractive individual, but he just had low self esteem and just going through life. And so he got into college and completely lonely, almost in despair, but going through the motions, and then he goes, well, I I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm going to venture out and try some of these dating sites.

And so he got on one of the dating sites, and he started connecting online with individuals. And as and and then he went on a date. And after a couple of dates, you know, and he'd go out and buy dinner and stuff like that. And one of one of the women on the dates said to him, why don't why don't we just have sex instead of you paying for dinner or doing this? Why don't you just give me the money, and we'll do this?

He being completely vulnerable and naive, and he goes, well, I've never had that before and boom. And there and that's when it started. And then from then on, you know, a few times every month for years, and then he got married without disclosing any of this, and yet and and then he found that after a period of time when he'd have a conflict with his wife or didn't feel understood, he'd had developed this addiction, he would find himself secretly going back and having these liaisons again. And, anyway, as we've tried to unravel this whole thing and he's opened up and talked about it, it it's just like and this is and this is something that's so critical to understand about those who struggle with any addiction. He never intentionally said I'm going to go out and do something bad.

I'm gonna go out and hurt somebody. And yet he developed this addiction, and then he got married. And then, yep, he made a commitment, and he absolutely should have been true to that commitment. But because he never resolved some of these issues of when he becomes bored, lonely, angry, stressed, tired, or frustrated with his wife, his addictive brain would just drive him back to these behaviors. And because and this is what he said.

He said, I had learned to perfect secrecy. I could appear one way and yet keep my secret life hidden from other people. And it just makes you really question and wonder how many people are really living life this way, but it always comes to an end. You can't keep doing this forever. It wears on you until finally in his situation, it broke him.

But and when and when he finally came clean, he says, then my life began, that I I no longer wanted to live in this place of secrecy. It was horrific. And we also talked about the women who are doing these things. How is it do you think they can live with themselves? And he felt he he just felt tremendous compassion for them too that they're miserable.

They're struggling. They're trying to find themselves. They're trying to make money. But can you imagine living with yourself if you're doing things like that? Now his issue is and so on both sides of the coin of that, both parties are not finding peace.

They're chasing something that can never bring peace and satisfaction. And so compassion needs to go out to both. Help needs to go out to both to to to reach out and say there's different way to live life. This it it it will never satisfy anything and it will just it it just leads to unhappiness and misery and weakness, sickness. Your immune system starts breaking down because you're constantly you cannot be living in that state without stress hormones flowing through your body on a continual basis, and we're just not built to live that way.

Our immune systems can't function. Eventually, they'll get get overwhelmed, and then you and like I said, you get diseases and stuff like that. Anyway so on the flip side of it, then you have his beaut this client that I'm talking about, his beautiful wife. She's an amazing individual, fairly stable, well educated, has honored her marriage vows, and she loves him. And so she's trying to understand him, and so he says to me so he's been he's been free of all this activity for approximately a year.

And so he comes to me, and he says, well, now and and he's gone through his bouts of he was suicidal and thinking, I know I've hurt my wife so much. I what I've done, I can't believe it. I'm so ashamed of what I've done. And and he's worked through that and no longer wants to kill himself, but, as he's under gained a deeper understanding of addiction and how the addicted part of the brain, that limbic unconscious of the brain drives one to this behavior. Now he says his biggest issue is when he is being completely honest with his wife.

His his wife, if he comes home late from work, she starts questioning him and doesn't believe him. And he says, that's a massive trigger for me. And he says, what do I do with that? And I says, well, this is a part of the consequences of your behavior, and you gotta give your wife some grace. You have to give her some time and patience and understand that that's how her brain works also is that she's been threatened.

Her world has been rocked. And so any time that there's any situation where you come home late or anything that might trigger that, her limbic system is gonna do that to try to keep her alive and protect her. So you have got to be patient with her because she is being extremely patient with you, and you have to understand that and be kind to her and allow her you're right, honey. What do you need from me? I'm if you're if you're 2 hours late coming home, you got caught at work, well, get on the phone and do a FaceTime with her.

This is exactly where I'm at, honey. I totally understand where you're at. This is where I'm at. See show the phone around to, appease your fears or whatever you need to do. But but, again, he wants to shout what he's done from the rooftops.

He wants all family members to know because he doesn't care. He says, I'm I'm, like, born again, and I wanna let people know how this happens in case they're struggling with it. But his wife is saying, no. We're we're not gonna tell anyone. She's not told anyone in her family even though she's super close to her family because she's afraid of judgments, criticisms, and that's true.

So we gotta be very, very mindful and careful of who we tell. That's why people keep secrets. So every individual needs to decide for themselves what they're what they're going to do, finding a safe place to talk about things and to keep things, within the realm of not everyone needs to know your dirty laundry because it will be used against you as time goes on. It can be. And those individuals, when you open up, if if, and that's the challenge, and that's why people keep things secret.

But that's why I'm saying search search for those who might create that sanctity, that safe place, therapy. Therapists are bound by confidentiality, to not repeat certain things. So but but he said just the fact of him having to carry these secrets around with the weight of the secret is just crushing. And having compassion for the human struggle, as I have been in the addiction recovery field for so many years and worked with so many individuals, I rarely I rarely find individuals who get caught in addiction, who are just bad people, who want to harm other people. Now they're out there.

K. I'm talking about and I'm not there are a few people like that out there. That's not who I'm talking about. If you have a desire to be understood, if you have a desire to become clean, if you have a desire to change, then risk. You have to risk putting yourself out there and talking about things and dealing with with some of the consequences of your behavior.

Just be be a grown adult and deal with the consequences and own it. And because it's better that is better in the long run, having integrity and honesty of pulling yourself together than continuing to live with this secret. So ponder that. If if, anyone listening to this podcast is struggling with deep secrets. I know that there are many who have done certain things and much said, I'll take this to my grave, but I don't know.

I don't think you have to. And, and and and that you have to choose for yourself. But if the burden is just weighing you down and keeping you stuck in the addictive cycle, sometimes becoming completely clear and and free and speaking the truth can help you begin the process of recovery and change. There is a better life available for you. It is possible to change and move forward.

You do not need to continue in, with with certain behaviors that in in the end simply will not help you. Like, one of the classic sayings in in addiction, recovery is one time is too many with certain things and a thousand never enough. And you can never get enough of what you truly don't need because what you truly don't need will never satisfy you.

So a brief review of a concept that is extremely powerful and helping all of us understand how our brain works is dividing it to what I call the 2 part brain model. In the most simplistic terms, the 2 part brain refers to the prefrontal cortex, which is the rational cognitive part of the brain. It's the part that tries to make sense of things. It's The part that knows you're having problems with an addiction, with with recurring nightmares, and yet notwithstanding that you know you're having problems, the problem still persist, which creates a lot of frustration, anxiety, and can lead into depression and so forth. So EMDR is a process that involves bilateral stimulation of the eyes or bilateral eye movements that mimic, what's happening in our brain during REM or rapid eye movement, sleep when we're dreaming.

Every night, When we go to sleep, the average individual has 4 or 5 dreaming periods. And that's where when they're dreaming, and if you have an animal, a dog, cat, you've probably noticed that They'll be sleeping, and they'll be kind of moving around jerking. Their eye movements will you know, their eyes will be going back and forth. Of what's happening when that happens. And we believe that the brain is trying to consolidate memories or experiences that have happened that day, and then just kind of places them somewhere in the brain or in a a combination of places in the brain.

Like, the brain is huge library of experiences. And one of the metaphors that I like to share with clients is is I show them a picture of a a huge library. And this metaphor at least makes sense to me that during the day the library doors are open, Experiences are happening. It's like people are in reading books and and pulling books off shelves and, you know, just a lot of activity, a lot of hustle and bustle in in the mind going on. When night comes And we go to sleep, the door shut, and all the leftover residue of the day.

So there's books on carts. There's books on counters, tables. The librarian comes in when we're sleeping and during REM sleep, The theory is that they the librarian picks these books up and places them in certain areas of the brain, consolidating memories. And then we wake up the next day, and then we go about life again. The problem is that with traumatic events, things that are experienced very intensely that are frightening, disturbing, that The librarian does not seem to be able to pick up those books.

It's like they're thrown on the floor. They're they're piling up at different places in the library. And so when people come in the next day and and and The doors are open. It's like you're it's all cloggy. It's like and that's like the metaphor is that people are having trouble feeling comfortable in life, feeling confident.

They're they're always worried. They're always anxious. That's because there's something in the subconscious mind that is not resolved. And what EMDR therapy does is So if I were doing it with a client and they were had a trigger that brought them to the they brought to a session today saying, yeah, I'm having this really difficult time ago. Tell me about the experience, what happened in this experience.

And and, maybe they had an argument with the spouse or not feeling confident at work, worrying about they're gonna use lose their job or or any number of events. And then I would say, How do you feel in your body right now? What are you experiencing experiencing? And then I'd say, can you float back in time using your memory to the best the best that you can. What was the earliest and first experience of feeling something similar to that.

And usually, they can come up with something, and then we go back to that experience, and talk about it. And and and if I've already laid the groundwork for EMDR, and I'd say, alright, let's begin the process of taking a look at that. And I'd say, well, go back to that earliest and first experience, and the theory behind going back to the earliest and first. If you can take care of that, then the other things that have happened since then have a tendency just to resolve themselves. I mean, it it it's happened with a number of individuals that I've worked with.

And so if they go back to that early and first experience, What are they feeling? What are they experiencing? And then I would say, okay. Just be there. And we would sit opposite each other, but kind of I would be to the side of them where my hand would would move in front of their eyes.

And I'd hold my hand up or a couple of fingers, and I would say, notice that experience, what you're going through, and follow my fingers. And then I do a number of bilateral stimulations back and forth back and forth. And then I'd stop the bilateral stimulations, And then I would say to them, what do you notice now? And their their brain We'll come up with something else. And and and then you and then you just simply say, well, notice that and go with that.

And then I'd do more bilateral stimulations. And then let's say, what do you notice now? Something else will come up. So The power behind EMDR is the the philosophy that a person's brain is the part that's doing the healing. The brain wants to heal.

It's kind of like our body. If we get a a sore or a cut on our and what happens. Our body heals itself it heals itself. Our brain is trying to do the same thing, but because of the way the limbic system works In that subconscious part of the brain, there's this main place called the hippocampus. We believe is a place where it's It consolidates memories, and then still not sure where they go in the brain, but from the best knowledge we have there, It's not one specific place in the brain, but it goes through the hippocampus, and then it's placed memories are placed in different parts of the brain.

And and through this process of bilateral stimulation, you go back and Somehow it's able to resolve some of these issues. And I'll give you a specific example of someone who is having chronic nightmares who would wake up 3 or 4 times a week in a panic. This was a survivor of of childhood abuse. And this individual would wake up, and she would just be in an absolute state of terror. Her husband would have to to grab her really quickly or gently and say, honey, you're just having a dream.

You're just having a dream. It's okay. It's okay. And then and then his wife would okay. Okay.

And then, you know, but just very, very disturbed by the dreams. They were chronic. They wouldn't stop. And as I was meeting with her when I first got introduced to EMDR and was trained in, and I explained to her, with the process. Because talking, cognitive behavioral therapy, although it's very valuable and powerful and important in working through some things and helping problem solve.

It doesn't it doesn't really access the subconscious part of the brain where all of this stuff is going on. She could not tell herself from the prefrontal don't have these nightmares, or she could tell her tell herself that it just simply doesn't work. The chronic nightmares continue to come. So we And I'm and I'm not I'm not saying this happens all the time, but in this case, we did 1 45 minute session of EMDR on that. Had her go back when she came in for therapy.

I says, when's the last time you had a nightmare? Just last night. They tell me about the nightmare, same thing over and over again. I don't need to tell you the details of the nightmare, but it's the same chronic nightmares. And then I said, notice that and just follow my fingers.

And we just process that. What do you notice now? And every time We'd go through a series of bilateral stimulations. Images would change in her mind, something else would open up, This would change, that would change, something else came in. And after 45 minutes, it was the strangest thing to me, you know, and then we finished the last set of bilateral stimulations.

And and she goes, okay. I think I'm done. And I go, what do you mean? She goes, I I think I'm done. And it was it was emotionally Powerful for her during this session, yes, there were a lot of tears.

She was facing what she needed to face. In a conversation with a respected colleague this week, we were talking about how it is that We try to avoid going back and dealing with our stuff, and we cannot do that. In order to be healed, we have to face the demons of our lives. And And it's it's critical that you find someone, a trained therapist, that you feel comfortable with that can help you on that journey. But so you think about the way the 2 part brain works.

There's 3 prime directives. And when I say, in the limbic system, 3 prime directives in the limbic system. Number 1 is survival. That's a type of brain that's largely functioning in a lion or a tiger. Its job is to keep us alive.

We have that part, and it stays alive by 2nd prime directive, avoiding anything that's painful. And the 3rd prime directive, seek pleasure, get away from the pain. That's why we don't like to go back and face the traumas of our life. And so the brain itself is set up to stop us from going back there. I I don't want to talk about that.

I don't want to go there. How how often have you heard that? But unless you find a safe environment to do that and to have the courage to go back and take a look and face the demons that are in front of you. They will forever stay there, and they'll keep bothering you. And and so for so this this individual I'm telling you about, I admire her so greatly.

It was So hard for her to do that, but their dreams were so disturbing. They said, do this on me. Do this crazy EMDR thing on me. And and and then when she said I was done, and I've stayed in contact with her through the years, and we did that probably 15 years ago to this day, she has not had a recurring nightmare exactly the same. She's had a couple in the 1st year, she had a couple of similar nightmares, but there was difference.

There was there was a road between there was a barrier between what used to be when she was right there. But other than that, she's had nothing. She's had no nightmares. That part of whatever was happening in her brain had resolved itself. So we don't Fully understand how this all works, only that it works.

Something is going on. So think about this mystery as we're thinking about life. 1 third of our lives is spent in a sleep state. Nobody really even understands it to this day other than we as humans do it. After about 16 hours, Something floods our brain, chemicals that makes us tired, and we just fall asleep.

And then we we have dreams, And even those who don't remember their dreams are having dreams. They just don't remember them, and there's most likely something about that. So that's just I just wanted to to share briefly, one of the experiences that I've had with EMDR, and I've I've I've experienced very similar things with many, many clients through the years with EMDR therapy now. And there's this the latest thing, kinda the cutting edge, even on top of that is this thing called Acceleration Accelerated Resolution Therapy, who was developed by Lainie Rosenzweig. And Fascinating stuff.

She's using similar principles, but through active imagination, visualizing things, going back, and positizing some of the negative events in your life. Meaning, you go back to the trauma, but you change the story In your imagination and you kind of lock it in with eye movements, something happens. Now, the you understand that you're only imagining things, but to the brain itself, the brain can't really tell the difference. So if you, for example, at the unit or in in Colorado at the United States Olympic Olympic Training Facility, 9095 to 98% of all Olympic athletes use mental imagery to to perfect their craft, whatever their whatever their athletic event is. They totally believe in imagery.

And when you you hook up a person's brain and with the the technology that we have now, When you're visualizing and thinking of doing certain things, your brain lights up in exactly the same way as if you are physically doing it. See, so the brain itself can't tell the difference. So you take this theory, And if you go back in time, and you literally change some of the stories and the experiences that you had, Takes a lot of courage to go back there, but you go back and you change the stories. And then you kinda lock it in with eye movements, you know, doing bilateral stimulations, going back and forth with your eyes as you're thinking about, you know, then something happens. It's like the emotional connection to the trauma seems to be cut.

And it's like it's for example, and one individual I was doing this with, He says, I feel as we're doing the stimulations, I feel I'm a boat on an ocean, but there's a huge anchor, and it's just rooted in the ground, and there's so much tension as the boat is trying to pull away from this anchor. And then as we continue to do the bilateral stimulations, visualizing different things, He says, I I see the anchor. There's cords around the anchor, and it's starting to to shrivel a little bit and break apart. And then eventually with a couple of more series of bilateral stimulations, he says, I saw the anchor Line just snapped in half. Poof.

It snapped to half, and the boat was free. And the and what was left of the anchor just went right down to the bottom. The The remaining chord just fell right down to the bottom, and he was free from that. And then as you come out of the, you know, the bilateral stimulations and just kinda get grounded again. Okay.

We're we're done with this experience. It's like, I feel so much better. I feel so much lighter, whatever was holding me back seems to have resolved itself. But see, this all takes place at the subconscious part of the brain, down in the limbic system. And it's the same area where where this mysterious part where we spend a third of our lives in in in this place that we don't really understand.

Only thing we do understand is something's happening with it. So if you're struggling with something that you have not been able to resolve about talk therapy, whether it's an addiction or just just past trauma triggers. You know, look in look into EMDR therapy, and perhaps, you know, accelerated resolution therapy. It's still kind of on the cutting edges. There's been some research at the University of South Florida on accelerated resolution therapy that is extremely promising.

And so, anyway, so that's just a little snippet on EMDR and the power, behind that. And, anyway and so that's just what I wanted to share today.

There are forces. They're just our energies out there that are very, very powerful in grabbing attention based on based on how the survival part of our brain works. The things that grab our attention quicker than anything else is things that have to do with survival, like anger, revenge, hurt, food, Sex, all of those things have a tendency. That's why so much of the stuff online Is is based on those those negative things. And if you watch the news, it's all negative.

There's no positive news. I remember years ago, there was a a newspaper out in California that they wanted to focus on positive news, but it failed. Nobody's interested in positive news because it does not grab the attention. So if you if you were to get online one of the things that I experienced in the last years, we lived with my father, and I I took care of him. My wife and I, we moved in and took care of him the last 5 years of his life.

But one of the things he had the habit of of turning on the the, you know, NBC nightly news. Every night, boom, we'd do the TV would be blaring. And as I listened to that or was around that all the time, it was amazing, the techniques that they were using. They would say things like and just listen. If you're to get on, this just in, breaking news.

Oh my. And it's all negative stuff. Maybe spattered with 10% of a little positive story in there, but those are all breaking news. This just in. Oh my goodness.

This and all of a sudden, Your attention is just grabbed because that's how the limbic part of the brain works. And so Be mindful and aware of that, that most of it is is, most of the media Is kinda kind of well, it does. It draws you into negativity. Negativity is an energy drain. It drains you of energy.

It creates doubt, fear, hopelessness. One of the things I've noticed in So many of the clients, especially the generation that I'm dealing with from 20 to 30, this sense of Hopelessness, the sense of what's the point. Why in the world would I pay money and get an education? There's there's nothing worthwhile. No.

You go get an education for the joy of the education, and, yes, it is worthwhile. Oh, yes. It is worthwhile. Whatever resources you put into yourself And you learn and you study even though some say, well, I went to school and did and got an education that didn't come at. No.

You learn something, And you'll be able to build and grow on that? I mean, you know, not everyone needs a 4 year formal education. It depends on what you wanna do, but keep learning. Be hungry for knowledge. There is so much to learn.

There's so much to wonder about, but focus on On positive things, focus on the concept of can do. I love I love what I call the mindful warrior mindset. Those individuals who tend to be the most successful in life Have this mindset. It's a can do attitude. I will figure it out.

Somehow, someway, they believe in themselves. They they have learned to, face the opposition that they come across. They're able to deal with failure. They slip and fall. Even though if they slip and fall a 100 times, they just have the tendency to just get up.

I can do it. I'll figure out a way to do it. K? So can do attitude, then they develop a healthy sense of humor. It's so critical in our world of so much negativity to lighten up a little bit, to have a healthy sense of humor, To laugh at things in a healthy way, not never to make disparaging remarks of other people and putting them down, but a healthy sense of humor.

Learn to lighten up just a little bit. So a can do attitude, healthy sense of humor, And then those who are are extremely successful, I love this part probably the most. They have 0 victim mentality. I am a victor I will not be a victim anymore of anything. I do not believe the world owes me a living.

I have to earn what I get. I have to choose to take charge of my life. I don't expect a handout. Those who I have seen who live in that place of expecting things, they're the ones that are the most frustrated and discouraged individuals because they're they're disappointed all the time. Instead of going out and earning it and finding their way, Making their way, they expect things to be given to them, and that creates just it's not healthy.

And then Okay. So the first 3, can do attitude, healthy sense of humor, 0 victim mentality, And the 4th thing is they have a capacity to bounce back quickly, and failure doesn't It doesn't destroy them. They're able to learn from it. They don't give it Undo attention. K?

Remember, life is a matter of attention. What I choose to attend to Will determine the quality of my life. And I love this statement also where it says, to refrain from an act It's no less of an act than to commit 1. So in other words, when we say no to something, It is very proactive and and determines so much of the direction in which we move. We have choice, but what I've experienced in life and coming to see more and more living an Tension of life requires the highest level of mindfulness of being able to be present in the now to constantly ask yourself the question, what am I attending to right now?

What thoughts Are on are the main players on the stage of my mind? Anger, revenge, Worry, doubt, fear, the negative emotions. And I'm I'm telling you just by the way the natural brain works, that's what we're kinda templated to because it's the limbic System's job to keep us alive, and that's why negative experiences in life are more salient or seem to be stronger in the hippocampus, the memory part of our brain. So so many survivors of childhood trauma that I've worked with through the years, they're just Stuck and frozen because what happened to them is so extremely, Powerful because the brain is saying you will remember that, and I'm gonna force you to remember that so that doesn't happen again. The problem is that it can keep one Stuck completely stuck in this frozen state.

And so the process of healing and recovery and taking charge of your life Is learning to stand up for yourself to fight and become more, self efficacious and believing in yourself that you can do certain things and then getting your body involved in the recovery process. I love the statement by doctor Bessel van der Kolk in his The body keeps the score. He's one of the world's leading trauma therapist. He says imprints of the past Can be resolved by having physical experiences that directly contradict the helplessness, rage, And collapse that are a part of trauma, thereby regaining self mastery. That's why I'm such a proponent of physical exercise, getting your body engaged, yoga, whatever.

Go on a walk. Get your body moving. Even and even though it's super, super hard, you'll always have kind of a resistance to that. But those Who, kinda take charge of that aspect, make that a daily? What I call it daily are certain things you do on a consistent basis, whether you want to do them or not, knowing that would be in your best interest to do so.

So, again, Focusing on life is a matter of attention, what is grabbing your attention, please pay attention to that. Become more intentional of of your goals, of what you're going to set for yourself as we begin, You know, another year moving moving forward, and Just remember, you really do have a choice on what you allow to take center stage of your mind. We cannot change the past, but there and if you're completely stuck and frozen, there are there are helps available. You know, a therapist with doing EMDR therapy can help resolve past unresolved issues. Had great experiences with that with clients and other other methods also.

So Look into your life and reflect on this concept over and over again. Where is your energy going, your life force, your chi, As you focus on productive positive things, you have a tendency to feel better and and be more productive as you're accomplishing things.