Midlife Unfiltered

It's the holidays! On top of everything else on your to-do list, there's shopping, cooking, cleaning, decorating the house, spending money, and being extra nice to Aunt Ethel at your family get-together. You guessed it, it’s holiday time! It’s the start of the holiday season and for many people, that means family gatherings, lots of demands, social comparison, and high stress.

Today, I want to share 5 tips to help you enjoy your holiday season and minimize the amount of stress you feel.

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Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that for many people, the holidays can exacerbate their loneliness and grief for loved ones they’ve lost. Although the holidays are filled with joy, they can also be super stressful. It’s easy to get caught up in comparing yourself to others and trying to be perfect. That right there is a recipe for anxiety. I want to share 5 strategies that can help you minimize stress and enjoy this wonderful time of the year.

1. Don't Do Social Comparison

It's easy to fall into the trap of comparing our holiday experiences to those we see on social media. We are bombarded with images of the perfect houses, the perfect decorations, the perfect turkeys, and the perfect families sitting around the table. And if that wasn’t bad enough, when you open social media, you often see posts from someone you know who is jetting off to a beach vacation. It’s easy to be jealous.

Remember Teddy Roosevelt's famous quote: Comparison is the thief of joy.

Instead of focusing on what others are doing, reflect on what brings you and your loved ones joy. Embrace the beauty of your traditions and create memories that resonate with your values.

2. Set Boundaries and Limits

The holidays often come with invitations, events, and commitments that can be overwhelming. It's okay to set boundaries and limits. Setting boundaries teaches people how to treat you and helps you to take care of yourself. Whenever anyone asks me to do something or commit to something that will require extra work, I take a pause and say, “Let me think about that and get back to you.” That way, I’m not on the spot feeling pressure to overcommit and I can truly think through everything.

Prioritize the events that truly matter to you and your loved ones. Learn to gracefully decline invitations and understand that saying 'no' is a form of self-care, allowing you to fully enjoy the moments you choose to participate in.

3. Delegate

You don't have to carry the holiday load alone. You can delegate tasks and responsibilities to family members or friends. Whether it's meal preparation, decorating, or planning activities, involving others not only lightens your load but also creates a sense of shared joy and connection.

I struggle with this, partly because I have more time than my adult children and as a mom, I want to take care of them. But if you do everything yourself, not only do you run yourself ragged, but you also rob them of the joy of doing something to contribute.

4. Take Time for Yourself

Amidst the hustle and bustle, don't forget to prioritize self-care. Schedule moments of solitude to recharge. Whether it's a quiet cup of tea, a walk outside, calling a friend, going to the gym, or simply taking a few deep breaths, giving yourself the gift of time and space can do wonders for your mental well-being. Sometimes, when it’s been a tough day, I take a long shower or a bath and I crawl in bed early with a book. I’ve learned what helps me to relax and recharge, and instead of doing one more thing on my to-do list, I know if I take the time to do some self-care, I’ll feel a lot better.

5. Move Your Body

Physical activity is a powerful stress reliever. Incorporate movement into your holiday routine, whether it's a brisk walk, a dance session in the living room, or a quick workout. Exercise releases endorphins, helping to elevate your mood and energy levels during this busy season. For me, I need to go to the gym and swim. I listen to music while I swim laps and it’s my favorite way to start the day. When my kids were little, and my time to work out was non-existent, I would blast a song on the radio in the kitchen and they would dance with me. It was super silly and we had so much fun. It felt so good.

Some people don’t like to work out or for health reasons, can’t do anything really physical. I herniated a disc last year and had surgery and couldn’t work out at all. I found just doing light stretching and walking the dog helped me feel so much better.

And there you have it, those are five simple ways to manage, and even prevent stress during the holidays. Remember, it's not about achieving perfection but finding balance and joy in the moments that matter most to you. I hope you can focus on at least one of these ways to make your holiday season better.

If you found this episode helpful, please share it with someone who might need these strategies too. Until next time, take care of yourself and those around you. Happy holidays!

High sensitivity shapes the emotional experiences, perceptions, and interactions of approximately 20% of the population, spanning across diverse cultures globally.

From intimacy to communication, the deeply felt emotions and heightened responses to sensory inputs influence how highly sensitive individuals engage with their partners. This trait often leads to a preference for deep, meaningful connections, while also making them susceptible to feeling overwhelmed.

This episode is truly insightful as I am joined by Elizabeth "Biz" Cush – a women's life coach, licensed counselor, and the brilliant mind behind the Awaken Your Wise Woman podcast. Her holistic approach integrates body, mind, and spirit, fostering a beautiful, enjoyable life for her clients. And in this episode, we delve into the impact of high sensitivity on relationships and sex life.

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Highly sensitive people (HSP's) refer to a genetically predisposed trait, with about 20% of the global population being classified as highly sensitive people.

Highly sensitive people process sensory input—whether noise, smell, taste, touch, or emotions—differently. This distinct sensory processing results in a deeply emotional experience, a preference for profound connections, and a deeper and more deliberate processing of information before forming opinions or feelings about it.

Interestingly, being highly sensitive doesn't strictly align with introversion; one can be an extrovert and still be highly sensitive, needing both social interaction and recharge time.

With respect to relationships, being in a relationship where one partner is highly sensitive and the other isn't can sometimes lead to conflict, especially in scenarios where the highly sensitive individual feels overwhelmed or anxious in crowded or noisy settings that the non-sensitive person enjoys.

To identify if someone is an HSP, tests and quizzes are available, such as the one on Dr. Elaine Aron's website. Dr. Aron has conducted extensive research on this. Take the self-test here: https://hsperson.com/test/

Navigating sexual relationships as a highly sensitive person, particularly for highly sensitive women, poses unique challenges. The HSP personality trait, an aspect of the nervous system, renders individuals acutely aware of various sensory inputs, often impacting their experiences in intimate relationships.

For highly sensitive women, the intricacies of their sensory processing sensitivity can deeply influence their sexual relations. Although HSPs can enjoy sex, this acute awareness can lead to a heightened vulnerability to negative emotions and feeling overwhelmed, particularly in scenarios where their partner's desires may conflict with their own comfort levels.

Balancing the needs and desires of the self and the romantic partner is a delicate yet crucial aspect of enjoyable sex for those with a highly sensitive nature.

Highly sensitive individuals can sometimes feel overwhelmed. They experience heightened sensitivity to smells, making cleanliness particularly important for their partners. According to Biz, even the texture of fabrics could affect physical closeness.

Communication regarding what types of touch feel good and what feels overwhelming for HPSs is important, as touch can be both beautiful and intense. For highly sensitive individuals, touch can be both wonderful and potentially jarring or even painful if unexpected.

HSPs tend to value gentle touch, connection, and their partner being emotionally responsive as building blocks for a deep emotional bond in their relationship.

In intimate relationships, the need for deep connection and profound conversations can lead to disconnection if not reciprocated or understood by the partner. HSPs need their significant others to understand what being an HSP means, and that sometimes their HSP partners will need alone time and quiet to enhance their well-being and mental health.

Non-HSPs also need to learn how subtle shifts in their behavior can help their HSP partner feel safe and emotionally connected. Moreover, many HSPs require more time to feel aroused and be easily distracted by sensory input, which can significantly impact their ability to stay present in the moment and enjoy sexual experiences.

The heightened need for intimate connection is particularly notable for highly sensitive individuals, potentially necessitating a deep emotional connection with their partner before engaging in sexual intimacy.

Biz and I explored potential connections between high sensitivity and conditions like Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) or Sensory Processing Disorder given the overlaps in symptoms amongst all three conditions and the many intriguing parallels within neurodiversity.

HSPs can easily become distracted during sex. Sensory inputs, like sound, noise, or smell, can be overwhelming and can disrupt the moment, causing an HSP to struggle to return to the present during sex.

Distraction during sex, especially for women, can derail them from staying aroused. Losing feelings of pleasure and arousal can cause them to need additional time and gentle stimulation to reach orgasm. For many HSPs, mindfulness techniques can help them to stay present or regain focus when distracted.

Because HSPs are acutely sensitive to the emotional cues and needs of their partners, they often find it challenging to turn down sexual intimacy, even when they aren't in the mood for sex. Their desire to accommodate their partner's sexual desires so they don't feel rejected, even at the expense of their own comfort, stems from their deeply empathetic nature.

Additionally, any potential emotional detachment from their partner during intimate moments can profoundly affect the highly sensitive individual, creating a sense of disconnection or concern that further complicates their ability to fully engage in the shared experience. This heightened emotional attunement makes it more difficult for them to disconnect from their partner's emotional state, impacting their own arousal and sense of intimacy within the interaction.

While the highly sensitive trait often amplifies their experiences, including the emotional and sensory dimensions of physical intimacy, it's important to establish a conducive environment for enjoyable and fulfilling sexual relations.

Open communication is essential, even about the challenging aspects of sex. Communicating one's own needs, creating a space that acknowledges and respects the sensory intricacies, and fostering an understanding of the unique dynamics surrounding sensory processing sensitivity are vital components of fostering a healthy and gratifying sexual relationship for highly sensitive individuals.

**Elizabeth Cush Coaching- https://www.elizabethcushcoaching.com/**

**Quiz to discern if you are a highly sensitive person- https://www.elizabethcushcoaching.com/**

(direct link to quiz: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/642afffa627e94001491e91c)

**Biz’s Awaken Your Wise Woman podcast https://www.elizabethcushcoaching.com/awaken-your-wise-woman-podcast**

Characteristics of a highly sensitive person:

**https://hsperson.com/**

Great sex encompasses a wide spectrum of elements or factors that go beyond the physical act of intercourse itself. It is a holistic experience that incorporates emotional intimacy, effective communication, variety, mutual satisfaction, foreplay, and more. And while our modern world has evolved significantly in terms of openness and acceptance, the topic of sex remains elusive, shrouded in cultural, religious, and historical taboos.

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Sex education and societal taboos.

The traditional concept of sex, which primarily focuses on intercourse for reproduction, has been deeply rooted in our culture and educational system. The majority of us were introduced to the subject of sex through an educational approach that highlighted its biological purpose, frequently utilizing vivid and explicit imagery that left us feeling uncomfortable.

For so long, sexual discussions were not common and somehow, they are still considered taboo by many. The omission of discussions about sex as an expression of love between two people or as a source of sexual pleasure was likely driven by fear or concern that teaching pleasurable aspects of sex would lead to increased teenage sexual activity. However, this omission has consequences.

By not addressing the positive aspects of sex, like connection and pleasure, we continue to perpetuate the taboo and shame associated with the topic. The consequences of this lack of comprehensive sexual education extend beyond individuals and can impact relationships as well. The absence of open conversations about the emotional and pleasurable aspects of sex can hinder communication and lead to misunderstandings between partners.

How people learn about sex through the media.

As human beings, it is our innate tendency to seek out knowledge and understanding when faced with something new. This natural inclination usually leads us to turn to various mediums, such as books, articles, or visual media, to gain insights and information. In the case of learning about sex, our observations often come from sources like Hollywood movies and pornography, which have played an influential role in shaping our understanding of human sexuality.

However, Hollywood portrays sex in a way that frequently emphasizes women experiencing mind-blowing orgasms from intercourse, as we've all seen how they’re portrayed in movies and TV shows that rarely reflect reality. On the other hand, there's pornography, which has its place as entertainment but should not be considered a source of education. This is because porn often features exaggerated and sometimes painful-looking sexual encounters, with women seemingly enjoying every moment, even when it appears far from pleasurable.

It's concerning that the average age for first exposure to pornography in the US is just 12 years old, and many kids even younger than that are exposed to it. In fact, a study on adolescent pornography use found that nearly 69% of teens had viewed pornography, and this exposure can lead to the development of what experts call "pornography-influenced sexual scripts." These scripts can misguide people about how sex should be, as pornography does not represent the average person's sexual experiences. Thus, the way we learn about sex, whether from Hollywood or pornography, often falls short of providing an accurate and healthy perspective on the subject.

Female orgasm and sexual pleasure.

I used to throw around the statistic that around 30% of women can orgasm from penetrative intercourse, but my perspective has shifted, as a closer examination of research indicates that this number is likely closer to 15% or even 18%. Moreover, only about 8% of women can consistently achieve orgasm from thrusting alone.

The portrayal of intercourse as the primary source of intense orgasms for women in media misrepresents the reality for most women. This misrepresentation sets women up to fake orgasms and can make them feel like something's wrong with them if they can't climax from intercourse.

It's really a shame that we're not taught that the key to female orgasm lies in the clitoris which is unique in that its sole purpose is pleasure, and it's a powerful reminder that sexual pleasure is a natural and essential aspect of human experience. If your partner is a woman, it's crucial to understand that her path to pleasure primarily involves the clitoris, not just intercourse. This doesn't diminish the value of intercourse; it's about striving for equality and mutual pleasure in a relationship.

Redefining sex opens up exciting possibilities and can lead to increased sexual frequency and improved intimacy.

Sex isn't confined to intercourse; there are many other ways to explore and enjoy intimacy, such as oral sex, touching, or using sex toys. Our society often frames these activities as mere "foreplay" leading to intercourse, which can be limiting and potentially lead to problems if intercourse becomes the sole focus. Reframing these activities as "outer course," encompassing any sexual activity not involving penetration, can be liberating.

Redefining sex to encompass any activity that brings sexual pleasure, whether it's outer course or intercourse, opens up exciting possibilities and can lead to increased sexual frequency. The key is embracing the diverse ways in which we can experience and enjoy sexual pleasure.

This transforms sexual relationships, bringing about significant changes insofar as the female partner experiences increased pleasure and satisfaction, with higher odds of achieving orgasm. For the male partner, this change can make them feel more desired when their partner shows increased interest in sex. It also eliminates the sense of rejection if their partner isn't in the mood for intercourse.

Couples who redefine sex tend to engage in sexual activities more frequently, addressing one of the common issues couples face known as "desire discrepancy," where one person desires more frequent or different types of sexual activity. Furthermore, broadening the definition of sex encourages couples to explore a wider range of sexual activities, adding variety and excitement to their intimate life. Redefining sex doesn't exclude intercourse; it simply emphasizes that many other delightful and fulfilling activities can take center stage in their sexual experiences.

The prevalence of erectile dysfunction (ED) tends to increase with age, underscoring its status as a common issue faced by many individuals and couples. And by the year 2025, it is projected that a staggering 325 million people worldwide will be struggling with erectile dysfunction. The problem, however, is that this is still a matter many people tend to avoid discussing openly despite ED being a prevalent issue and thus, it is often unaddressed.

As a certified sex therapist, I frequently receive inquiries from people regarding ED. And so, for this episode, let us shed light on the impact of ED and the need for open communication about it to help individuals and couples manage the condition within their relationships.

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Erectile dysfunction and its impact on mental health.

In many cases, partners tend to overlook or pretend not to notice when their male partners experience erectile dysfunction (ED), creating an uncomfortable unspoken issue, often referred to as the "elephant in the room." As we know, men's sexual arousal is externally visible compared to women, making it challenging to hide when an erection does not occur. This visibility can contribute to feelings of inadequacy, as societal expectations link masculinity to sexual performance, particularly in terms of having strong erections and providing satisfying intercourse for their partner.

However, the reality is that not all individuals, especially women, achieve orgasm solely through penetrative intercourse. Many myths surrounding masculinity make it difficult for men to accept that they can still be wonderful sexual partners even if they experience ED or difficulties with erections. These misconceptions or misunderstandings can lead to various coping mechanisms, such as pretending ED didn't happen or even blaming their partners, unfairly attributing the issue to a lack of proper stimulation or desire.

Unfortunately, partners often internalize these criticisms, feeling that they are somehow inadequate or unattractive, even when their partners don't explicitly blame them. The misconception that their desirability is the root cause of ED can take a significant toll on their self-esteem.

Erectile Dysfunction and its impact on relationships.

Intense shame is commonly felt by those struggling with ED, which goes beyond mere embarrassment. This stems from a deep-seated feeling of not being good enough or feeling like they have failed their partner. And such profound shame can be emotionally debilitating and lead individuals to avoid intimacy altogether.

Partners of those experiencing erectile dysfunction often struggle with emotional distress. This stems from the fact that individuals with ED frequently shy away from all types of sexual intimacy and even physical contact, primarily due to overwhelming shame. They fear the risk of not achieving an erection, which would result in feeling terrible about themselves.

In turn, however, their partners feel undesired, unloved, and even rejected because of their abstinence from any sexual engagements. This avoidance even extends to activities that do not involve penetrative intercourse, which can still offer both pleasure and emotional connection. The partners' anguish runs deep, as they long for the physical and emotional connection that has been missing due to their partners' avoidance.

Avoiding physical touch and sexual intimacy can exacerbate ED because it deprives individuals of positive sexual experiences that could mitigate anxiety, a key contributor to ED. This avoidance may make them overly anxious, causing recurrent ED episodes and preventing them from fully experiencing the pleasures of intimacy. Moreover, such avoidance has the potential to lead to detachment within a relationship, effectively reducing partners to the status of mere cohabitants, which can lead to bitterness and unhappiness within a relationship.

It is thus essential to address this issue openly and seek solutions together with a partner rather than seeking secretive medical solutions. Partners, too, need to understand the pain they are feeling is genuine and widespread, and that intimacy doesn't solely rely on an erect penis. Open communication and a willingness to explore different forms of intimacy are key to overcoming these challenges and maintaining a healthy sexual relationship.

Strengthening a relationship and maintaining a vibrant and fulfilling sex life are crucial aspects of a healthy and enduring partnership. Couples often face various challenges, whether they stem from the demands of everyday life, the passage of time, or personal growth. Despite these obstacles, it is entirely possible to keep the spark alive and deepen the bond with your partner.

Our remarkable guest, Laurel McHargue, shares valuable insights into how she and her husband have navigated these waters, making their relationship an inspiring example of how to nurture love and passion over the long term. This episode is in line with our aim to explore relationships and how they've evolved over time, particularly in terms of strengthening a relationship and keeping sex vibrant.

Laurel’s philosophy of life revolves around the idea that a life without challenges is ultimately boring. This belief has been the guiding force behind her life choices and even the journey that led her to meeting Mike – her husband.

Laurel and Mike were classmates at the United States Military Academy at West Point. However, they didn't spend any time together until they were both part of the leadership team for a cadet battalion during their senior year. (West Point refers to this as Firstie year) When they attended West Point, meals were mandatory and Laurel and Mike were seated at the battalion leadership table. The daily routine of dining together from breakfast until dinner gave them a great opportunity to get to know one another and to cultivate a friendship.

Because they were both dating someone else at the time, they saw one another as a friend, which allowed them to chat and be curious about one another's personalities, values, and principles. Talking openly and frequently with each other caused Laurel to respect Mike and to see him as a challenge and ultimately, brought them closer. That is why their relationship has a great foundation built on friendship and a deep understanding of one another.

Their story is a testament to the idea that choosing a life partner is not without risks, as you can never truly know everything about another person. It requires a leap of faith and a willingness to adapt and grow together. In fact, Laurel's career in the Army, marked by frequent moves and new environments, kept her engaged, active, and continually evolving. Nonetheless, she embraced change rather than shying away from it, making the most of each new opportunity and challenge that came her way. This adaptability was not only a key element in her personal growth but also in the success and longevity of her relationship with Mike.

I truly admire Laurel's positivity and zest for life. Her vivacious and enthusiastic approach to life resonated with my own philosophy as a coach and therapist, where I aim to help people create the best lives for themselves, recognizing that we only get one chance at this journey.

Every long-lasting relationship has its ups and downs. In some cases, couples consider divorce. In Laurel’s case, she initially felt resentment due to an incident at a party but she quickly overcame it, demonstrating the strength of their relationship. She emphasized that being friends first, without the pressures of a sexual relationship, laid a strong foundation for their relationship. Additionally, she admired Mike because he was so disciplined, fit, educated, and self-motivated.

Maintaining a healthy relationship, particularly involving sexual intimacy, is an intricate dance that involves a delicate balance between individuality and respect. It's a journey where emotional and physical intimacy play pivotal roles, and where partners seek to nurture not only their connection but also their own well-being. Both partners must prioritize their physical and mental health to ensure they bring their best selves to the relationship. This commitment to personal wellness positively impacts relationship satisfaction, creating an environment where both individuals can thrive together.

What struck me about Laurel's marriage to Mike is that she respects him as a person and as her partner, and likewise, she feels the same respect from him. Laurel commented that she makes it a point to never bad-mouth Mike to anyone. Mutual respect, without a doubt, stands as one of the fundamental cornerstones upon which a healthy and enduring relationship is built. It entails a deep and unwavering appreciation for each other's worth, individuality, and contributions within the relationship. It involves recognizing and honoring the unique qualities, beliefs, and experiences that each partner brings to the table. Respect is a cornerstone of Laurel and Mike's love and a key element of their marriage's success.

In relationships, it's common for people to celebrate their similarities and shared interests initially. A sense of commonality can be exciting and lead to the belief that you're perfectly matched. However, it's a mistake that many couples make when they stop celebrating their differences and begin focusing solely on their similarities. Over time, their unique interests and passions may fall by the wayside, leading to a sense of sameness in the relationship.

Embracing individuality within a relationship is crucial. It allows partners to celebrate their uniqueness while coming together to create a strong bond. A respectful acknowledgment of each person's autonomy paves the way for the emotional and physical intimacy that lies at the heart of a fulfilling relationship. However, it must also be noted that both partners should continue pursuing their owne interests and passions, even as they grow together. Maintaining these unique aspects of oneself brings vitality and energy into the relationship. It's about not being afraid to have different interests and respecting each other's individuality. This kind of mutual respect and understanding contributes to a happy, thriving relationship that lasts for many years.

One of the things I truly value about Laurel's relationship with Mike is that they both are grateful for one another and they show gratitude for little things. Laurel shared how Mike thanks her every time she cooks dinner, and she in turn, thanks him for earning money to buy the groceries. Laurel also expressed a deep and heartfelt gratitude for how Mike fully supports her interests and her dedication to being an author, despite it not being a very lucrative career. Gratitude is one of the things I love most about my husband. I've never met a more grateful person and I think his gratitude cultivates happiness for himself and for those around him.

Both Laurel and Mike take great care of their overall health and they do many activities together that build fun and excitement into their lives. Laurel admired how fit Mike was, but the couple realized that although an intense bike ride might be right for Mike, it wasn't for Laurel. However, through open dialogue, they compromised on what a satisfying bike ride together would be.

It is not easy maintaining a relationship while having military careers but for Laurel and her husband, they were able to adapt to these challenges as a couple. Having children also introduced new dynamics into their intimate life, with scheduling and discretion becoming important factors considering that exhaustion and privacy concerns sometimes made intimacy more challenging.

As their children grew and eventually left home, they found more opportunities for physical connection and to express their sexuality. They remained intentional about their sex life, scheduling and prioritizing moments for intimacy. Laurel shared that they also developed unique ways to build anticipation and nonverbally initiate intimate moments, creating a playful and affectionate connection that continues to evolve. They have open communication and feel comfortable talking about their love life and their sex life.

Transitioning from non-sexual moments to sexual ones and vice-versa is a learned skill, and it's essential to align your mind with your body's readiness for sex. As we know, women's minds, in particular, often require more preparation. Planning sex can be beneficial at various stages of life, whether you have young children, teenagers, or are empty nesters with busy lives.

Maintaining a fulfilling sex life within a relationship has positive effects on physical and emotional well-being. It intensifies the joy, connection, and laughter that it brings to every relationship. Keeping things fresh and having a sense of fun and playfulness in the bedroom is essential. At the core of a satisfying sexual relationship is emotional and physical connection, where partners not only communicate openly about their sexual preferences but also seek to enhance pleasure for each other. This may involve the introduction of sensual music, sexy lingerie, or even a well-chosen sex toy into the bedroom (or the living room or the kitchen 🙂) to spice things up, as long as it's in your comfort zone. As we know, sex toys are a fabulous way to enhance the sexual experience, especially when a little extra time is needed to build up arousal. They can increase desire as part of foreplay or they can be the main event!

By respecting one another's boundaries and desires, a couple can achieve balance and harmony in their partnership, ensuring that their bond remains both intimate and enduring. Of course, it is important to be able to say "no" to sex when you’re not in the mood without having your partner feel rejected. As a sex expert, I coach people to not just say no when they don't feel like sex, but to also offer an alternative plan. That might look like one partner saying, "You know, I'm not in the mood today but I'd love to have sex tomorrow."

As we evolve with our partners in long-term relationships, our sex life has its ups and downs. The goal isn't achieving the greatest orgasm as a way of maximizing sexual satisfaction but rather, prioritizing connection and sexual pleasure in sexual experiences. Working together as true partners has enabled Laurel and Mike to create a sense of sexual well-being that fosters a deeper connection and helps to maintain a strong, healthy relationship.

Make sure to check out Laurel’s unique puzzle book titled “Peace by Piece” which she co-authored with her close friend Nadine Collier, a licensed therapist. The book offers valuable life lessons drawn from the experience of assembling a 2000-piece jigsaw puzzle. She highlights how Nadine contributed to the book by providing reflections and thought-provoking questions for readers. Laurel also has another book entitled "Quack" which draws inspiration from her two-year adventure of raising ducks in Colorado. You can visit Laurel's website and view her books on Amazon.

Laurel's Amazon author page

Laurel's Amazon books link

Website: https://leadvillelaurel.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/LeadvilleLaurel/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/laurelmchargueauthor/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/laurel-mchargue-6085a730/

"Quack"

“Peace by Piece”

Laurel’s Podcast Link:

Alligator Preserves Podcast

Award-winning multi-genre author Laurel McHargue, a West Point grad, was raised near Boston and somehow found her way to the breathtaking elevation of Colorado's Rocky Mountains--where she lives and laughs and publishes and podcasts. She writes about life, real and imagined, and hosts the podcast 'Alligator Preserves.' She has been married to the love of her life for over 40 years and has two wonderful adult sons.

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Understanding how sex evolves with age is vital especially in proactively maintaining sexual health for a fulfilling sex life well into late adulthood. We experience not only physiological changes that naturally occur but also the evolving mental, emotional, and relational aspects that shape our sexual experiences.

The changes manifest diversely, encompassing shifts in hormones, alterations in muscle tone, adjustments in sensory perception, and variations in stamina. All these factors significantly impact our experience with and perception of intimacy. Having this understanding allows us to flexibly adjust and refine our approaches to intimacy, ensuring that our experiences are both enjoyable and satisfying.

In this episode, we address the common concern from many individuals considering sex therapy, particularly focusing on how sex changes throughout a person's life and what can be done to maintain a satisfying sex life during midlife and beyond.

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There are many changes surrounding sex during midlife particularly caused by physical and other health factors. As individuals progress into their 40s and beyond, physical changes become more apparent—skin may sag, body composition alters with shifts in fat distribution, and muscle tone may diminish.

A critical element of midlife changes is health-related challenges, which can significantly influence a person's sexual well-being. Chronic pain, stemming from various health conditions, can be relentless and detrimental to both physical and emotional aspects of intimacy. Conditions such as breast cancer, autoimmune diseases, and prostate issues can further complicate the ability to engage in sexual activities, creating a significant hurdle to overcome. These changes can significantly impact how individuals perceive and engage in sexual activities.

Moreover, midlife isn't strictly confined to a particular age range; it's an expansive period that can extend well into the 50s and even early 60s. The onset of midlife varies among individuals, particularly for women who may undergo perimenopausal symptoms a decade before reaching menopause. The complexity of these physical and hormonal shifts can have profound effects on sexual experiences and desires.

In line with this, midlife crisis is also an existential reckoning in this period. It is an introspective evaluation that involves scrutinizing the choices made thus far and contemplating what the next chapter of life should entail. It often prompts a reevaluation of relationships, careers, and personal fulfillment, including one's sexual experiences.

As people approach midlife, their desires and expectations concerning intimacy also evolve. The intensity and immediacy of arousal and desire experienced in youth are notably diminished. It takes more time, effort, and deliberate stimulation to achieve the same levels of arousal. Understanding and adapting to these changes become crucial to maintaining a fulfilling sex life during midlife and beyond.

One of the biggest mistakes that people make is failing to adjust expectations to align with the changes that come with aging. It is understandable that there are still those who cling to the notion of recapturing the wild and passionate sexual encounters of their youth without acknowledging the need for adjustments in approach and mindset. However, recognizing and embracing these changes can be transformative in ensuring and cultivating a satisfying and enjoyable sexual life throughout the midlife phase and even beyond that.

Common mistakes in midlife sex and the importance of communication.

One significant mistake observed in individuals approaching midlife is the lack of communication with their partners regarding evolving preferences and dislikes in sexual intimacy. They often neglect discussing how their needs and desires have transformed since their younger years, resulting in engaging in undesired sexual encounters.

This tolerance for dissatisfying experiences leads to a decrease in sexual desire and, in some cases, a complete cessation of sexual activity. Over time, couples may transition into a roommate-like relationship or engage in infrequent, pressured sexual events. The solution lies in fostering open communication about one's sexual desires and evolving needs, particularly during the midlife phase, to ensure a more fulfilling sexual life.

Additionally, many individuals fail to address preexisting sexual issues in their relationships as they approach midlife. These unresolved problems tend to worsen with age, compounded by new challenges like menopausal dryness and pain, or erectile dysfunction. Avoiding the discussion and resolution of these issues can severely hinder the possibility of maintaining a satisfying sex life as one ages. Tackling sexual concerns openly and proactively is vital for a fulfilling and sustained sexual relationship throughout one's life.

Improving midlife sex with emotional maturity, communication, and self-care.

Sex during midlife can be exceptionally rewarding due to emotional maturity, improved communication skills, and shifts in perspective. Emotional growth enables individuals to express feelings, connect deeply with their partners, and enhance desire through a closer relationship. Moreover, those who prioritize pleasure and connection over mere sex and orgasm tend to maintain a healthy and satisfying sexual life as they age.

Communication skills play a pivotal role in fostering a better understanding of each other's desires and needs. Open dialogue about sexual preferences and boundaries nurtures an honest and fulfilling sexual relationship. As people age, sex evolves into a more profound and meaningful experience, emphasizing closeness and connection with a long-term partner.

To nurture and grow the sexual relationship during midlife, investing in the friendship aspect of the relationship is crucial. Engaging in activities together, cultivating shared interests, and spending quality time help maintain a strong bond. Additionally, prioritizing overall health, encompassing physical and mental well-being, is paramount for sustaining sexual health as part of a broader holistic approach.

In redefining sex, we have to give importance to pleasure and connection rather than fixating on sex. This paradigm shift allows for continued satisfaction and connection, even when physical challenges such as erectile dysfunction or pain arise. By exploring alternative pleasurable activities, individuals can ensure a fulfilling sexual experience well into their later years, challenging the misconception that sexual satisfaction declines with age.

Sex and relationships in midlife.

In my experience, I've come across vibrant individuals in their 80s who still have and enjoy their fulfilling sex lives, defying any misconceptions about age and intimacy. It's surprising to note that in certain assisted living centers, there's a prevalence of active sexual engagements among the elderly, even leading to the spread of STDs due to unprotected encounters. This highlights the significance of consistently prioritizing protection against STDs, regardless of age, as a crucial aspect of sexual health.

When it comes to advice for clients, I often emphasize the importance of valuing quality over quantity in sexual experiences, particularly as we reach midlife. Quality of sex, in this context, isn't defined by earth-shattering orgasms. Instead, it's about pursuing deeply satisfying and meaningful experiences that foster a profound connection and love for our partners while being pleasurable.

People want to know about sex but they are a bit afraid to talk about it. Conversations around sex and its frequency tend to carry a societal taboo, but it's a topic people genuinely want to explore.

And one of the things people often ask me is how many times couples have sex. As individuals progress through different stages of life, their frequency of sex varies greatly for a wide variety of reasons.

In today's episode, we will explore what sexual frequency across the lifespan looks like and talk about the danger of comparing yourself to others.

People often wonder if others are experiencing similar levels of sexual desire and activity. They compare themselves to others and they want to know if they are good enough, if their sex is good enough. In a sense, they are seeking a sense of reassurance through social comparison, a tendency prevalent in today's age of social media. Social comparison is when you compare yourself to others as a way of evaluating your life.

Why does how often you have sex matter? Because sexual frequency is important to your overall well-being and to your relationship satisfaction.

One of the most frequent grievances in long-term relationships is dissatisfaction with the frequency of sexual activity. This affects both genders, contrary to common assumptions. Typically, males are the higher desire partner but sometimes, it is the female partner. Also, women with partners with erectile dysfunction (ED) who stop having sexual activity are also unhappy.

Understanding how sexual frequency changes throughout your lifespan is important so you don't have unrealistic expectations. Research shows that most people think everyone is having more sex than they actually are. That can leave you feeling like something is wrong with your sex life.

Many believe sexual frequency declines over the life course of a relationship, especially for married couples. In truth, it fluctuates for both men and women based on their life stage, physical health, sexual attitudes, life events, day-to-day responsibilities, stress levels, overall sex drive, and the availability of sexual partners.

Happy couples in long-term relationships focus on nurturing a strong emotional connection and friendship while also prioritizing intimacy and sex. This emphasis on friendship in romantic relationships often increases feelings of attraction and sexual desire.

However, we need to approach statistics such as how often people have sex cautiously. Openly sharing numbers can sometimes harm individuals insofar as they may be misused as weapons for partners to hurt each other, and may also lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-judgment, negatively impacting self-esteem and the relationship. It can be very harmful if you learn that other people are having more sex than you if it causes you to spiral into self-judgment and shame.

It's also important to recognize that it's rare to have a couple where they both want the same level of sexual frequency. Every relationship is unique and how much sex they have and the type of sex they have varies. What is enough for you might not be enough for other sexual partners. What's important is that you and your partner talk about your sex life in a way that is respectful and honors the sexual frequency and types of sexual activity that both of you need to have sexual satisfaction.

Many people have low sexual desire because they don't enjoy the type of sex they are having especially if the focus is on sexual intercourse versus sexual acts that area pleasurable for both parters. One of the best ways to learn about what turns women on, whether you are male or female is an online organization that presents helpful info backed by research. It’s called OMGYes.

Understanding that every relationship is unique and goes through varying seasons is vital. Comparing your relationship to others can be misleading and unhelpful, as each relationship has its dynamics, and more sex doesn't equate to better quality.

Additionally, many individuals lack knowledge on how to have fulfilling sexual experiences and mistakenly turn to pornography for education, when in fact, it's meant for entertainment. This may also cause them to compare their own sex life to what they see in pornography and believe they are lacking if they aren't engaging in the same types of sexual acts.

The lack of communication around sex leads people to form their own assumptions and conclusions, potentially fostering misunderstandings. This is exacerbated by the early exposure to porn for many young individuals, who might mistakenly perceive it as a source of education rather than entertainment. The absence of proper guidance and conversation about healthy sexual relationships can set people up for challenges in their future experiences.

Americans are experiencing a decline in sexual frequency, primarily due to two major factors. One factor is the rising number of individuals who lack a steady sexual partner, and the other is a decrease in the overall frequency of sexual encounters or sexual intercourse with their partners. This decrease is influenced by both the decrease in the number of steady partners and a decrease in sexual activity with those partners.

Recent data shows that compared to previous years, Americans are engaging in sex less frequently. Interestingly, young adults, particularly those in their twenties, are notably experiencing what has been coined a "sex recession" where they are having less sex than their counterparts in previous generations. The research also highlights a significant increase in abstinence rates among young adults compared to Generation X at the same age.

Contrary to the prevalent notion of increased casual sexual encounters facilitated by dating apps, there has been a surprising 14% drop in casual sex among young adults between 2007 and 2017, a trend that defies the expectations considering the evolving openness towards sexuality in society. The dynamics of sexual behavior are evolving, presenting an intriguing shift in societal norms and behaviors.

In the past two decades, Americans have experienced a decline in sexual activity frequency. Between 2010 and 2014, individuals engaged in sexual activity 54 times a year, compared to 60 times a year between 1989 and 1994. The decline in sexual frequency is linked to an 8% decrease in marriages during the same timeframe, highlighting the impact of a lack of a steady partner on overall sexual engagement.

On the other hand, a study in 2019 involving 35,000 British individuals revealed that about half of those in committed relationships engaged in sexual activity less than once a week. Notably, even though the sexual frequency of younger generations has dropped, they remain the age group with the highest levels of sexual activity.

Research studies show that sexual frequency varies across different age groups. For individuals aged 18 to 29, the average is about twice a week or 112 times a year. In the 30s, it decreases to 89 times a year, approximately 1.65 times per week.

Moving into the 40s, it's 69 times a year, about 1.3 times per week. In the 50s and 60s, it declines to about 24 times a year or twice a month, and over 70, it averages about 11 times a year. These are averages, and individual experiences vary, but there's a noticeable downward trend in sexual frequency with age.

As couples transition to the empty nest phase, a newfound sense of freedom and flexibility emerges, allowing them to redirect attention to each other and personal interests. However, this period can unveil potential disconnection, particularly if the couple didn't intentionally foster their relationship and cultivate love and friendship.

Conversely, those who invested in maintaining their bond tend to enhance their intimacy and sexual activity during this stage. Aging also introduces health challenges, prompting couples to redefine their approach to intimacy, shifting from a more physical focus to adapting to evolving circumstances.

Based on survey data on the sexual frequency of American adults, the following are some general numbers about sex frequency.

• 18-29: about 2X per week (112 times per year)
• 30’s: 86 times per year - a little over 1.5X per week
• 40’s: 69 times per year. (1.3 X per week)
• 50’s and 60’s: about 24 times per year or 2x per month
• Over 70: about 11 times per year

Navigating sexual health as we age is vital for a healthy sexual relationship. Sex therapy and guidance from a sex therapist can assist in understanding sexual desires, attitudes, and acts. Addressing how much sex, scheduling sex, and maintaining sexual intimacy with changing dynamics is crucial.

Married couples, like anyone, aim for a satisfying sexual relationship by discussing sex openly. Exploring oral sex and other forms of sexual encounters becomes a part of this journey. Understanding sexual attraction and the role of sexual partners can aid in fostering a fulfilling sexually active life. In this context, sexual medicine offers solutions for issues such as pain, dryness and erectile dysfunction, thus promoting overall sexual well-being.

The frequency of intimacy in a relationship isn't a one-size-fits-all measure—it's about prioritizing quality over quantity. Intimacy extends beyond just the frequency of intercourse; it involves various forms of bonding, like cooking together or engaging in each other's interests.

Emotional intimacy plays a crucial role, where sharing activities and validating each other's passions deepen the connection. For women, feeling close emotionally often paves the way to wanting sexual intimacy, while for men, sexual intimacy can enhance feelings of love. Ultimately, sharing activities fosters a stronger relationship and friendship, nurturing a deeper connection between partners.

As couples age, successful relationships prioritize pleasure and connection over the frequency or intensity of sexual experiences. Shifting the focus towards creating enjoyable and meaningful moments rather than solely emphasizing physical aspects of sex is key.

Starting this approach early in life yields significant benefits for one's sexual well-being. Age-related changes, like menopause and reduced testosterone levels, can impact sexual experiences, but satisfaction with a less active sex life is entirely possible. Research highlights that around 46% of older individuals are content with their current sexual experiences. Couples who adapt by redefining their view of sex, moving away from a rigid sexual intercourse-centric approach to embracing pleasure and emotional connection, often sustain satisfaction and happiness in their sexual intimacy over time.

Sexual frequency does not necessarily equate to sexual satisfaction in relationships. Quality of the sexual experience, how it's perceived, and the emotional connection with a partner matter more than the frequency. The focus should be on how both individuals feel during the intimate moments, their engagement, and mutual satisfaction.

Maintaining a phenomenal sex life is possible even if your sexual frequency doesn't align with averages or declines as one gets older. It's essential to not let comparisons or societal expectations harm one's self-esteem or relationship. That is why it is best to understand what type of sexual encounter brings satisfaction and motivates further intimacy.

Sexual frequency is not an indicator of sexual satisfaction. It’s more about the quality of the sex you have, and that’s not just what you do, but how you do it and whether or not both of you are into it while you are having sex versus going through the motions. Don’t spiral into sadness or use this information as a weapon against your partner.

If you feel like you're having sex less, ask yourself if the type of sex you’re having is worth wanting, and if not, what would sex that’s worth wanting look like for you. And if you and your partner continue to have a big desire gap in the sexual frequency or type of sexual behavior you enjoy, it might be time to consider sex therapy to help you navigate any sexual issues.

Your sexual needs and desires matter. AASECT.org is the board that certifies sex therapists in the United States. Their website has a list of certified sex therapists so you can find one in your area.

Becoming a certified sex therapist involves undergoing periodic training that exposes individuals to a wide array of sexual expressions. This training encompasses diverse scenarios, including individuals with physical disabilities engaging in sexual activity, encounters with sex workers, and viewing videos featuring aging individuals or those with different fetishes.

The objective is to normalize these experiences and reactions, equipping therapists to handle such situations comfortably when working with clients who present these concerns. This approach challenges societal perceptions, particularly regarding older adults engaging in sexual activity, and fosters a more comprehensive understanding of sexual experiences throughout a person's lifespan.

It's never just sex. Our sexual health is much more encompassing.

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In this episode, we bring you Part 2 of my conversation with Sharon Depcinski, a licensed clinical social worker and certified sex therapist for over 25 years. In this conversation, we focus on some of the medical implications and body changes that women go through during menopause. We’ll also give you some additional resources that will be helpful to any woman going through menopause.

Vaginal estrogen for menopause symptoms and affordability

Menopause can throw a curveball at your vulvar health, but there's a superhero remedy that's gaining attention. Think of vaginal estrogen as the sunscreen for your intimate areas – essential from age 45 and beyond. Whether you choose a cream, a tablet, or a ring, it's like giving a refreshing drink to parched skin, keeping it healthy and resilient.

Menopause transforms the vulvar landscape, leading to delicateness and certain areas shrinking. But here's the silver lining: vaginal estrogen comes to the rescue! What makes it even more appealing is that it acts locally, making it often safer than widespread hormonal treatments.

On the brighter side, the benefits of vaginal estrogen often overshadow any drawbacks. When it comes to the wallet, most women find it reasonably priced, putting this wonder remedy within reach. Yet, it's worth noting that while many pharmaceuticals can be pricier than a fancy dinner, this essential treatment remains attainable for a vast majority.

References you can check out for menopause, body image, and acceptance

Navigating menopausal symptoms can be tough, especially when faced with doctors who might dismiss them. It's crucial to find a physician or provider who genuinely listens. A valuable resource is the North American Menopause Society (NAMS). By visiting menopause.org, you can locate a certified menopause practitioner who has undergone extensive training in this field, ensuring they are well-equipped to assist.

Dive into the enlightening world of Dr. Jen Gunter, the trailblazing OB-GYN and author behind hits like "The Menopause Manifesto" and "The Vagina Bible". If you're hungry for more of her wisdom, her blog, Vagenda, is a treasure trove of insights. Get your fix here: [https://drjengunter.com/](https://drjengunter.com/).

For a more inclusive take on menopause, "What Fresh Hell Is This? Perimenopause, Menopause, Other Indignities" stands out. Especially for non-binary or transgender folks, it’s like a warm, comforting blanket wrapped in pages of understanding.

Juggling menopause and your 9-to-5? "Let's Talk Menopause at Work" is your go-to online guide. Besides breaking down menopause and its nuances, it features a nifty symptom checklist. Next time you see your doc, have it in hand for a game-changing chat.

Now, let's address the elephant in the room: the dreaded weight gain, especially around the belly and thighs. But hey, society's beauty standards? Overrated! We are so much more than our physical selves. As you ride the waves of aging, embrace every part of you. Need a little nudge? Watch "Good Luck to You, Leo Grande". It's a cinematic gem that celebrates body love and the journey to self-acceptance.

Aging, sexuality, and redefining expectations

Aging is not just a passage of time—it's a bold new chapter in our book of allure and sensuality. Sadly, society’s beauty playbooks often equate youthful glow with sex appeal, casting a shadow over the radiant charm of maturity. Take, for instance, the age-old myth that gray hair dims one's desirability. But guess what? Times are changing, and many are flipping the script on these dated views.

Wearing silver locks? That's not just hair—it's a crown signifying wisdom, cherished experiences, and the tales of time. By letting our tresses flow naturally, we’re not just embracing self-acceptance; we’re making a loud statement of authenticity.

Moreover, challenging beauty's traditional blueprints is nothing short of revolutionary. Our allure doesn't hinge on fleeting external standards. Celebrating the art of aging, we're painting a vivid picture of timeless sex appeal, radiance, and swagger. And in doing so, we inspire others to cherish their unique journeys, fostering a world that sings praises of diversity and acceptance.

But here's another myth-buster: menopause sex isn't just about intercourse. It's high time we explore the full spectrum of intimacy, going beyond mere physical acts. It's all about resetting our intimacy compass, peeling away preconceptions, and celebrating the profound joy of connecting in new, soulful ways during this transformative phase of life.

North American Menopause Society: www.menopause.org

Dr. Jen Gunter www.drjengunter.com; Dr. Gunter’s Blog is thevagenda.com

Dr Rachel Rubin Urologist and sexual medicine specialist: rachelrubinmd.com

Let’s Talk Menopause: https://www.letstalkmenopause.org/

Movie: Good Luck to You, Leo Grande

The Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunter

The Vagina Bible by Dr. Jen Gunter

What Fresh Hell is This? Perimenopause, Menopause, Other Indignities and You by Heather Corrin

Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers by Peggy J. Kleinplatz PhD and A. Dana Ménard PhD

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

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• Substack (A Midlife Reckoning)
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Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life”

In the swirling tapestry of a woman's life, menopause emerges as a defining chapter, signaling the culmination of her fertile years, often in the late 40's or early 50's. But this phase is not just about the physical metamorphosis; it is an intimate dance with changing desires and sexual vitality, demanding both comprehension and metamorphosis.

This isn't just a time of bodily changes—it's an invitation to redefine sensuality and connection. By understanding and embracing these evolutions, we open a gateway to holistic health during this transformational odyssey.

Today's episode plunges into the depths of the challenges that countless women grapple with during menopause: from the discomforts of dryness and pain to the ebbs of sexual longing, especially in a world where clear guidance on menopause is often scarce. We're thrilled to share the wisdom of Sharon Depcinski, a licensed clinical social worker and seasoned sex therapist with a rich experience of over 25 years, as she lights the path with her invaluable insights.

Menopause symptoms, hormone fluctuations and hormone therapy

Navigating the maze of menopause becomes even trickier for women using certain birth control methods like IUDs or hormonal implants. These methods can hide the usual signs, such as missed menstrual periods. For these women, the silent pause in their menstrual cycle might not necessarily ring the menopause bell, blurring the lines of when they truly cross that one-year threshold without a period, which is the official marker of menopause.

But before menopause sweeps in, there's the prelude: perimenopause. It's like the overture to a symphony, setting the stage with erratic hormonal melodies, potentially lasting for a dramatic decade. These hormonal swings play out in a medley of symptoms: hot flashes, mood roller coasters, restless nights, and evolving passions. Here's the twist: these signs might start serenading some women in their 30s, making it essential to recognize their early tunes.

However, simply checking hormone levels isn't enough to decipher this symphony. While hormone tests offer a glimpse of a specific moment, they might not capture the full, fluctuating crescendo of perimenopause. Just imagine: estrogen might peak during this prelude, potentially giving a false sense of where one stands in the menopausal journey if relying solely on that single note.

Listening to the body's entire symphony of symptoms – the rhythm of periods, mood tempos, sleep patterns, and other classic perimenopausal cues – provides a richer and more accurate understanding of where one stands on this transitional stage, rather than relying on just a fleeting snapshot from hormone tests.

Menopause symptoms and their impact on quality of life

It is important that your doctor is listening to your concerns and is genuinely caring about symptoms during the menopausal transition because the sad reality is that there are clinics prioritizing profit over understanding women's experiences, particularly regarding hormonal testing.

Perimenopause, the transitional phase leading to menopause, presents a spectrum of symptoms that fall into distinct categories: physical, cognitive, mood-related, and genital-urinary. Each of these categories highlights the diverse ways in which the body responds to hormonal fluctuations during this life stage. In fact, 50% of women experience sleep disturbances during menopause. And as we know, sleep disruptions have a far-reaching impact on overall well-being. There are also cognitive changes, such as brain fog and word-finding difficulties, common during perimenopause.

In addressing these symptoms, it becomes evident that maintaining a healthy lifestyle and prioritizing bone health are crucial strategies to lessen the overall impact of these changes. By focusing on a balanced diet, regular exercise—particularly weight-bearing exercises—and proper bone health practices, individuals can positively influence their experience during perimenopause. Building a strong foundation of health not only aids in alleviating physical discomfort but also contributes to an improved overall well-being throughout this transformative phase of life.

Menopause symptoms and their impact on sexual health and sexual desire

Menopause is a symphony of changes, and while many of its notes are distinctive, not all challenges faced during this time directly tie to this life stage.

Tackling depression during menopause often feels like walking a tightrope. One popular safety net is SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) - a lifeline for many facing depression. Yet, there's a catch: these meds can unintentionally dampen sexual desire. Renowned for their depression-fighting prowess, SSRIs can also throw curveballs like reduced libido, challenges reaching climax, or even anorgasmia. For those already navigating the menopausal ebb in desire, it's like a double-edged sword. It's pivotal to walk hand in hand with medical experts, striking the right balance between mental resilience and preserving intimate vitality.

Here's a reality check: Almost a third of American women see their libido wane during menopause. And brace yourself - a staggering 50% to 84% of postmenopausal women face the trials of genital urinary syndrome of menopause.

If that wasn't enough, over 25% grapple with the pain of dyspareunia post-menopause. These are more than just stats; they're echoes of shared experiences, highlighting the pressing need for acknowledgment and understanding. The silver lining? These challenges, while common, can be addressed, paving the way for enhanced well-being and intimacy.

Yet, the heart sinks knowing fewer than a quarter of these women seek aid. The root lies deeper - a lack of comprehensive training in sexual health for many medical practitioners. It's high time we tune into these essential conversations, making them a part of mainstream medical discourse.

North American Menopause Society: www.menopause.org

Dr. Jen Gunter www.drjengunter.com; Dr. Gunter’s Blog is thevagenda.com

Dr Rachel Rubin Urologist and sexual medicine specialist: rachelrubinmd.com

Let’s Talk Menopause: https://www.letstalkmenopause.org/

Movie: Good Luck to You, Leo Grande

The Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunter

The Vagina Bible by Dr. Jen Gunter

What Fresh Hell is This? Perimenopause, Menopause, Other Indignities and You by Heather Corrin

Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers by Peggy J. Kleinplatz PhD and A. Dana Ménard PhD

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

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• Substack (A Midlife Reckoning)
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Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life”

Summary:

Navigating the waves of intimacy in a relationship is a common journey we all embark on. It’s entirely usual to ride the ebbs and flows of passion, going through phases where the connection feels less intense, and other times when it’s exceptionally vibrant. However, it’s crucial to perk up your ears and pay attention when you realize that these once-frequent passionate encounters are becoming rare, occurring maybe only once a month or even less.

Now, picture this: your own yearning for closeness feels like it’s running on empty, but your partner’s seems to be on overdrive. This mismatch can feel like a tough puzzle to solve. In this episode, we are on a mission to uncover the mysteries behind this dwindling passion, to explore the reasons why the spark may have faded, and most importantly, to offer you strategies to breathe life back into your sexual desire, reawakening the warmth and closeness in your love life.

Declining sexual desire in women

It’s no secret that, for many of us women, the flames of desire might not burn as brightly as we age. Around the age of 45, many of us begin to notice a change, a slight dimming of the passions that once felt so vibrant. The arrival of menopause can feel like a gust of wind, causing the flames to flicker, affecting our bodies and our desires significantly. Aging does play its part, but the good news is, there are active steps we can take to fan the flames during this new phase of life.

If you’re feeling this cool down in your desires, it’s important to reflect and pinpoint what might have changed since the time passion seemed to be your middle name. It’s time to ponder what shifts in your life might be putting a damper on your desires.

Addressing these issues can be a beacon of hope in rekindling your interest in intimacy. Relationship hiccups often are the unseen culprits behind dwindling desires. It’s essential to scrutinize the dynamics of your relationship and assess whether the attraction to your partner is still as robust as it once was.

Life, with its whirlwind of challenges, can lead us to drift apart from our partners. Sometimes, investing in the quality of your relationship through heartfelt conversations, seeking couples counseling, or dedicating time to each other can be the spark that reignites the attraction and, with it, revitalizes your intimacy desires.

Factors affecting sexual desire and pleasure

Another factor that may contribute to low interest in sex is the quality of sex, whether it is bad or painful. Painful sex is a valid reason to lose interest in it and addressing this issue is crucial. No one should endure painful sex. Consult with your doctor to understand the reasons behind it. Sometimes, simple solutions like using more lubrication can make a significant difference. If needed, a sex therapist can help overcome any anxiety or spasms related to sex.

Certain medications, especially antidepressants and some birth control pills, can diminish sexual desire and even hinder orgasm. If you've started a new medication and noticed a decline in your interest, discussing it with your doctor is essential.

Fatigue can also be a major desire killer. If you're exhausted from responsibilities or have a hectic schedule, finding the right time for intimacy is key. Consider morning or afternoon sex to enhance your interest and energy levels.

Hormone changes, such as those during menopause or due to birth control, can significantly affect your desire for sex. Menopause brings about physical changes that can make sex uncomfortable, but there are medical solutions to alleviate this discomfort. Additionally, pregnancy and breastfeeding come with hormonal shifts that impact libido.

Understanding these factors affecting your sexual desire is the first step toward revitalizing your sex life. Open communication and seeking appropriate medical guidance can help you find solutions and bring excitement back into your intimate experiences. If any of these resonate with you, it might be time to rethink your approach to sex and discuss your needs openly with your partner.

Common reasons for low sexual desire in women

Juggling life—being a mom, managing the house, and sorting out endless to-dos—can really take a toll on your mood for some 'us' time. It can feel like the flame has dimmed, and getting it back seems like just another task on the never-ending list. And let’s be real, when your mind is cluttered, feeling sexy is the last thing on your agenda.

Dealing with stress, feeling down, or past hurtful experiences can mess with your desire big time. And, if you're grappling with health issues like diabetes or other chronic conditions, it just adds another layer to it. Getting to know what's dampening your mood is the first step to light that spark again. It’s all about finding that ‘aha’ moment and working towards feeling good again. Take a minute and see what really clicks with you among the things discussed and consider how you can work on them.

Is this a ‘me’ thing or an ‘us’ thing? Some problems can be worked out with a heart-to-heart with your partner, while others might need a little help from a counselor or a sex therapist. Remember, figuring out what’s really going on is the first step to feeling that spark again.

Low sex drive and relationship counseling

If you're feeling a strain in your relationship because of low desire, and it's causing you distress, I've been there too. Don't just wait it out. If tackling it together with your partner seems challenging, seeking the help of a sex therapist can make a significant difference.

Having an open conversation with your partner about the issues can also be immensely helpful. If you're in a dry spell, remember, you have the power to reignite the spark and find more interest in sex if that’s what you want. Your love and sex life are your own, there's no right or wrong, and it's all about being true to yourself. Embrace who you are and the unique journey of love and intimacy you're on.

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Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life”