Midlife Unfiltered

In this episode, Dr. Heather discusses the difference between deal breakers and non-deal breakers in relationships. Deal breakers are actions or behaviors that breach core values and create irreparable cracks in the relationship, while non-deal breakers are annoyances that do not warrant ending the relationship. Dr. Heather provides examples of both deal breakers and non-deal breakers, such as abuse, opposing goals, financial disagreements, and differing tastes in music or hobbies. She also offers strategies for managing non-deal breakers, including processing feelings, changing mindset, practicing gratitude, showing compassion, and being curious. Dr. Heather emphasizes the importance of personal growth and transformation in strengthening relationships.

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Takeaways

• Differentiate between deal breakers and non-deal breakers in your relationship.
• Deal breakers breach core values and create irreparable cracks in the relationship.
• Non-deal breakers are annoyances that can be managed through personal growth and understanding.
• Strategies for managing non-deal breakers include processing feelings, changing mindset, practicing gratitude, showing compassion, and being curious.

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This episode explores the impact of medications on sexual functioning. Listen as we explore various categories of medications, including antihistamines, antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, and others that can affect sexual desire, arousal, and orgasm.

The episode emphasizes the importance of open communication with healthcare providers and offers suggestions for managing medication-related sexual side effects. It also highlights the need for self-advocacy and seeking support from mental health professionals.

Please note this episode does not offer medical advice but rather highlights potential side-effects from over-the-counter and prescriptions medications on your sexual functioning. You should discuss your concerns with your medical provider.

Takeaways

• Many over-the-counter and prescription medications can impact sexual desire and functioning.
• Antihistamines, antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, and other drugs can affect sexual functioning.
• It is important to have open and honest communication with healthcare providers about medication-related sexual side effects.
• Lifestyle changes, alternative medications, and supplemental treatments can help manage medication-related sexual dysfunction.

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In this episode, Dr. Heather England discusses body image and its impact on self-esteem and sexual expression with Cassie Willnauer, a licensed therapist specializing in body image and sexuality. They explore the Health at Every Size movement, challenging negative body image thoughts, and the importance of body acceptance in relationships. They also discuss the need for individualized approaches to sexuality and the role of mindfulness in overcoming distractions during sex. The episode provides valuable insights and practical tips for improving body image and enhancing sexual experiences.

Takeaways

• Challenge negative body image thoughts by questioning their validity and considering cognitive distortions.
• Practice body acceptance and allow yourself to be seen and touched by your partner.
• Embrace individualized approaches to sexuality and be open to modifying sexual experiences to accommodate changes in your body.
• Communicate with your partner about body image concerns and work together to create a positive and supportive environment.

Learn more about Cassie Willnauer at https://www.cassiewillnauer.com/

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The Body Is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor,

What We Don't Talk About When We Talk About Fat by Aubrey Gordon

"You Just Need To Lose Weight" and 19 Other Myths About Fat People by Aubrey Gordon

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D..

Extra Long Handled Vibrator

Liberator Wedge Pillow

Summary:

Is happiness the key to a good life? What if the key to a good life is really something else? Let’s explore what matters for your long-term happiness and health.

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"The Good Life" by Robert Waldinger and Marc Schulz.

In this episode, Dr. Heather England explores the key to a good life and long-term happiness. She discusses the findings from a long-term study on adult development and emphasizes the importance of cultivating good relationships. Meaningful connections with family, friends, and romantic partners contribute significantly to overall happiness and well-being. The study also highlights the importance of emotional intimacy within long-term relationships and the detrimental effects of toxic relationships. Loneliness is identified as a major public health challenge, with strong social support networks protecting against mental health issues. The impact of childhood relationships on adult health and happiness is also discussed. Dr. England concludes by encouraging listeners to take action and nurture their relationships for a better life.

Takeaways

• Cultivating good relationships is the key to a good life and long-term happiness.
• Meaningful connections with family, friends, and romantic partners contribute significantly to overall happiness and well-being.
• Toxic relationships should be eliminated to protect mental and physical health.
• Loneliness is a major public health challenge, and strong social support networks are crucial for well-being.
• Childhood relationships have a lasting impact on adult health and happiness.
• Taking action to nurture relationships is essential for a better life.

In this episode, Heather discusses setting intentions for the new year instead of traditional resolutions. She shares her experience of choosing a word as an intention and how it has positively impacted her life. Heather emphasizes the importance of being present and focusing on relationships. She encourages listeners to choose their own word of the year and explains how it can bring about positive change.

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Instead of setting traditional resolutions, consider choosing a word as an intention for the year.

Being present in the moment can lead to greater happiness and fulfillment.

Prioritizing relationships over work can bring about a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Choosing a word of the year can profoundly impact personal growth and well-being.

For more information about strengthening relationships and creating your best life, visit www.lovefilledlife.com

For a fun way to close out 2023 and organize your thoughts and goals for 2024, check out this cool planner on Etsy by YarBar Studios.

I am taking a brief break over the holidays so today's podcast is a replay of one of our most popular episodes.

Strengthening your relationship with your partner is important even if your relationship is going well and there are easy things you can intentionally do to create a fabulous relationship.

***Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my FREE guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life” by going to www.lovefilledlife.com/69ways.***

We are all looking for ways to manage our stress levels and to make important decisions in our lives. I want to share one of my favorite ways to make decisions while managing my stress and negative thoughts, and I think it's one of the best ways.

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Daring Greatly Book

Rising Strong Book

Atlas of the Heart Book

And no, I'm not going to tell you to meditate. Or practice mindfulness. Or take deep breaths or make a list of pros and cons. Although those are wonderful tools that truly are helpful.

What I'm going to suggest is that you learn the fine art of giving yourself permission.

Permission? For what? I’m sure that’s what you are thinking. But yes, you heard that right. I think you should learn how to give yourself permission to do a host of things in your life.

Maybe you need to give yourself permission to do something big like end your relationship or your marriage.

Or you need to give yourself permission to quit your job, or to retire, or to get a new job.

Perhaps you need to give yourself permission to end a toxic friendship or to stand up for yourself with a difficult person.

Maybe you need to give yourself permission to skip a social event and spend the night hunkered down on the couch in your PJ's watching a good movie

What if you need to give yourself permission to share your feelings with your partner and tell them you need them to show up for you – or that you need to start counseling with or without them.

Or maybe you struggle with perfectionism. And you need to give yourself permission to not be perfect. To not have the perfect house or the perfect makeup. Or the perfect car. Or the perfect vacation. Or the perfect children. That can be an awful lot of pressure on not just you, but also your children.

What if you need to give yourself permission to sit down and relax and not be a whirling dervish of activity?

Perhaps you need to give yourself permission to ask for help when you need it.

Maybe it's something simple like giving yourself permission to sign up for piano lessons even though you are 45. Or take a painting class or start learning how to knit.

Whatever it is, it's important. Everyone needs to give themselves permission to do something and this is such a simple little concept, but it can be so life-changing.

First, let me give you a little background about this idea. Many years ago, I was inspired by Dr. Brené Brown's research on shame and vulnerability. She was catapulted into popularity by a Ted Talk. I completed all the requirements to become a certified facilitator of her therapy materials. If you've never heard of Brené Brown, she has wonderful books about overcoming perfectionism, managing shame, and learning better ways to be in relationships with others. You can read about them on my Resource page on lovefilledlife.com. What I really like about her is that all of her content is backed by research. So she's not just blowing smoke like many people do, including all of the people with no training that are sharing mental health content on social media.

One of the tips in her course materials was this idea of writing out a permission slip. I used to facilitate small groups of women through the course materials. They were and still are called Daring Way and Rising Strong groups. We always completed permission slips as I started taking a small group of people through the course materials.

Everyone would write down what they felt they needed to give themselves permission for. It might be something like having the courage to share in the group setting. Or doing extra self-care while they went through the course materials.

The intention behind permission slips was to get people to think about what they had to give themselves permission to do or not do in order. To free themselves up, to make some type of positive movement forward in their lives.

This idea of giving ourselves permission is absolutely brilliant because, in the process of doing it, you end up doing deep thought about what is holding you back. I love that it makes you dig deeper what you are thinking and how you are feeling about various parts of your life.

I think I can illustrate this best if I give you a personal example. Many years ago, I was looking for clinical space for my therapy practice. It was very challenging to find an individual space that was affordable, given that therapists also need waiting rooms on top of their office space.

I ended up meeting another therapist that was also looking for office space. We didn't know each other very well, but what little we knew we liked. So we decided to proceed forward with finding some type of space that was big enough for both of us, but that also had several other offices that we could rent out to other clinicians. We thought this would be a great way to create a community environment but also help offset the high cost of rent.

We worked with a realtor and found several spaces. Finally, it was time to make the decision and sign the lease for one of the spaces. It was a really expensive monthly payment. Plus, the contract was for six years. And geez, Six years is a very long time to commit to something, especially with someone you don't know very well.

I became absolutely paralyzed with fear. I couldn't make a decision. I was completely stuck. And we were under time pressure to get a place because the leases on our current office spaces were running out. The pressure to make the decision made it much worse. And it made me even more stuck. Finally, I decided to do what I've successfully done with so many clients and that was to consider what I had to give myself permission to do or not do.

And the result of doing this was literally magic. It enabled me to sign the lease and start what ended up being an incredibly positive journey in a magnificent office space with an incredible business partner and wonderful co-workers.

I want to share with you what I did because I think it really illustrates how helpful this can be. And then you’ll have a real-world example about how you can apply it to your life.

Like many people, I struggle with perfectionism. My perfectionism is not rooted in how I look or how my kids look or how my house looks but more in my own personal performance. And part of that is a lifelong fear of making a mistake and making the wrong decision.

I also grew up poor for part of my childhood years. So making a financial mistake. Is also something I've always struggled with. I could spend an entire podcast explaining how I got to this place. But in a nutshell, I grew up with an amazingly loving mother who also had lots of anxiety. And her anxiety caused her to criticize me. She loved me so much that she was afraid I might make a bad decision. Or people wouldn't like me. Or the sky would fall, etc. Anxiety is not rational. And honestly, I don't know all of the things my mother worried about? I only know that it came out as criticism and I was left with this feeling that I was never enough. I'm sharing this because I know many of you may also have grown up in similar situations and ended up with the core belief that you somehow aren't enough. I've spent my life overcoming that core belief and growing my self-esteem.

So as I was faced with this decision about the office space., I wrestled with my fear of making. The wrong choice. What if we didn't get enough sublessors and it ended up being a financial disaster. What if my business partner and I didn't like each other after six months?. What if it just didn't work out? What if I didn't want to be a therapist in three years? What if, What if, What if? Doing what if’s? Is a fast track to stress and anxiety. They served to sink me further into indecision.

I did some deep soul-searching about what I needed to give myself permission for. And I realized I need it to give myself permission to make a mistake. I did a deep dive into exploring my thought about where my fear of making a mistake came from? And then I gently challenged all the thoughts I had around my fear.

One of the core things that a good coach or therapist does with a client is to help them gain insight about the relationship between the thoughts they have, their feelings, and their behaviors. The goal is to help people understand how all of these are related and how changing one impacts the others.

One of the best ways to change how we feel about something is to change how we think about it. But sometimes, the way we think about things isn't accurate. We might do something called distorted or catastrophic thinking. Our thoughts are typically based on our perceptions or assumptions and not really on fact.

Learning to gently challenge your thoughts is a wonderful way to coach yourself into changing your thoughts and ultimately improving how you feel and changing behaviors into better choices. You've probably heard people talk about positive self-talk. Positive self-talk isn't just saying oh wow, you're so amazing. But it's also learning to talk to yourself like you would your very best friend, and that includes challenging irrational or inaccurate thoughts.

So as I sat down to think through the situation with my office lease, I realized I needed to give myself permission to make a mistake. I literally pulled out a piece of paper and I wrote down on it “I give myself permission to make a mistake signing this office lease.” I folded it up and put it in my wallet. And then I called my business partner and said I was ready to sign the lease.

You can go through this process. Do some deep thinking and then write down on a piece of paper what you give yourself permission to do. Or you can do it mentally.

Over the holiday season, I've done this process mentally and I've given myself permission to not have everything be perfect for my guests. I let go of worrying about all of the food, the decor in my house, whether or not I had chosen the perfect Christmas gifts, etc. You get the point. It was so freeing to do this. In fact, I think I've enjoyed this holiday season more than any other just because of this, just because I gave myself permission to let go of the perfectionism around the holidays.

So let's circle back to what you need to give yourself permission for. Whether it's ending a toxic friendship, standing up for yourself, or skipping a social event, you can use this concept to work your way through whatever difficult choice you need to make.

So right now, while it's fresh on your mind., Pull out a piece of paper and think about what you really need to give yourself permission for. And then do it.

Today, we share 3 easy ways to make your sex life more fun, and who wouldn't want to make sex more enjoyable?

***Want to know more about sex toys and how to use them to enhance your fun and sexual pleasure? Check out my new course: Toy Talk at https://www.lovefilledlife.com/toytalk***

If you'd like to learn more about specific techniques to get turned on, I encourage you to visit a research-focused organization called OMGYES which focuses on presenting helpful information to enhance female sexual pleasure.

Ready to spice up your sex life? Get my guide “69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life”

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Summary:

On today's episode, Cooper and I talk about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's relationship and whether or not we think they will stay together. We think Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce have what it takes to remain a couple in a long-term, committed relationship. Plus, we are basing our opinion on the attributes of healthy couples that they both demonstrate.

You won't want to miss this!

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Sometimes, the once vibrant and exciting connection in a long-term relationship fades or dwindles due to a multitude of reasons. Couples find themselves confined to the boundaries of routine and predictability as they deal with the challenge of maintaining love and a healthy sex life in a long-term relationship.

In today's episode, I delve into a topic that intrigues many of my clients – the secrets to maintaining love in a long-term relationship. To shed light on this, I have a special guest, my neighbor Linda, who candidly shares insights into her own relationship journey and sexuality.

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Marriage, goals, and preparation for the future.

Linda is in her second marriage of 26 years with her husband Dennis which is why I consider her as a valuable guest for this episode. The couple exemplifies living life to the fullest, not only in adhering to family values but also in their evident love during vacations and daily interactions as they navigate a blended family.

They decided to get married four months after they met. Linda recalls their early journey as a fun pursuit as they discussed their dreams, goals and even marriage with no option for divorce. She said that although her husband is not perfect, he definitely comes close, as he always strives to make her happy and make her feel loved. And despite occasional fights, they are determined to continue having a happy marriage which is why they always make up and start fresh with a new sense of determination every time. After all, life has its ups and downs.

Setting goals in relationships is crucial. For Linda and her husband, they meticulously plan their financial contributions, such as but not limited to donations and gifts for their special needs son. Equally important is that they establish relationship goals that involve preparing for the future. This deliberate and thoughtful approach to setting goals not only enhances the quality of our relationship but also provides a roadmap for shared aspirations and individual growth.

Building a strong and healthy relationship through communication and mutual respect.

Linda and Dennis have intentionally cultivated a strong and enduring love through several key practices. They prioritize playfulness and silliness in their relationship, going out of their way to make each other feel important every day. Their expressions of love extend beyond mere practicalities and encompass appreciation for each other's presence and special efforts.

Gratitude plays a significant role in their relationship, with the couple expressing thanks for even the smallest gestures, fostering an environment where annoyance finds little room to thrive. Little things greatly matter. Although they seem to be minor acts of love, they accumulate to create a meaningful and fulfilling life.

Linda also emphasizes the importance of playfulness in maintaining a healthy sexual connection. Their approach to sex involves spontaneity, playful discussions, and an overall lighthearted attitude because for them, a healthy sexual relationship should incorporate elements of fun and enjoyment.

Sexual desire and intimacy in older age and maintaining love and a healthy sex life in a long-term relationship.

The sad truth is that there are still assumptions that society makes about sexual activity in older couples. There is also an unfortunate stigma surrounding women’s sexual desires brought about by various historical and cultural factors. At present, many women are still ashamed to talk about sex. That is why it is important that we encourage open communication to help others understand and express their desires better.

Many partners in relationships often lack the necessary knowledge and education about each other’s bodies. This knowledge gap can lead to unsatisfying sexual experiences and issues within the relationship. Linda shares her insights from personal experiences with her husband, highlighting the importance of mutual participation and how it creates a fulfilling and satisfying sexual connection in a relationship. We must challenge the stereotype of men rushing into sex, missing out on the subtleties that make sex enjoyable for both partners.

It is also important to find the right time for connection, intimacy and sex, especially as life gets busier. Always remember the significance of spending quality time together beyond mere routines. Be sensitive to each other’s needs and make sure to find creative ways to continue igniting the fire in your relationship. You may incorporate elements of playfulness, role-playing, and even use sex toys.

Linda encourages couples to communicate openly, express the importance of their connection, and actively work towards maintaining a strong foundation of love. This foundation, according to her, is essential for a fulfilling sexual relationship and serves as a guide in understanding the dynamics of love and connection.