Midnight Wisdom

Only after the fact did I feel like I was exactly where I was meant to be. 

Everything is moving and there's so many successes and failures along the way, yet somehow the sum of all of that seems deliberate. Where we are right now as a species, and where I find myself right now in my life. 

Randomness underlies our reality, one relationships and patterns. And through that randomness we are represented as intelligent beings. 

Fun stuff.

Everything somehow fits, and that coherency is what attracts us. That coherency is what we are. 

Are we pursuing that alignment? Or are we already all exactly where we need to be.

I reflect as I wait for my cold bath to fill out.

It's easy to feel down when everyone around you is depressed and putting limits in front of themselves. I can't blame them. The company is shutting down and they have to continue milking a dead cow. It doesn't mean that I can't find ways where I can help or do good here and there. 

I recorded on the 27th of November but I'm writing this description on the 11th of December. 2 weeks difference. Nothing changed but it feels like everything changed. Funny stuff. 

We breathe, we continue, and we welcome the cold embrace.

I'm terrified of losing the life I lead. I'm dreadfully aware of how easy it is for things to go wrong. 

I can't help but question what I did or who I am to deserve this life and all the good that's in it. And I'm not so sure that's a question I can answer.

As long as I get to move, I will do my best to make the most of the life I lead. But is there a reason for me to be proud of who I am and what I've accomplished? 

I'm also not too sure.

How attached will I be to the things in my life I consider good, the things in my life that bring me joy?

And what part did I play to make it so, and can I live with the things I've done to bring the future I envisioned into fruition?

I catch up with Jan on the 24th of November to tell him about what happened at the company I'm at. 

Jan did theater back in school, and is one of the most emotionally intelligent people I know. We talk about how I feel like everything's an act, and as long as you say the right thing at the right time, things will probably work out.

We're more than this inherent need embedded in us. The fear built within us to guarantee our continuation as individual beings. 

The fear that allows us to continue, but also holds us back from developing. That holds us back from 'really' moving forward. 

And when we're held back like that, stagnant in our own lives, we eventually find ourselves depressed. 

Sometimes you have to do something you think will hurt you to feel really good again, to see progress. 

It's your duty to push against that limit, you can't be passive within your own narrative. And if the fear feels like it's too much, remember, everything is temporary, and eventually, you'll forget those small but painful moments along the way, and all that will remain with you is the sweet taste of knowing you pushed against your own being to grow. 

Because in reality, there's nothing standing in your way besides yourself. Push through. 

And remember, if you're willing to help a stranger, and not judge them, then you shouldn't expect others to judge you the same way if you yourself needed and asked for help. 

So always ask, always learn, and always grow. 

My reflection from the last two weeks. 

I felt like I've lost my beginner's mind here. A part of the freshness I came into Berlin with. 

It's good to remember to be more genuine and more in the moment.

Alignment, disalignment. Life. 

I have a talk with Carly in an hour about her experiences regarding sexual abuse in the past. I'm nervous, but I'm clear on what this is. 

A conversation to try and understand how another human being feels. 

The filter we see things through. The magnifying glass that seeks. Our questions to ourselves and others.

How will we go on interacting with the world through the questions we impose on it. 

I talk about my last two weeks in Berlin. 

How I feel like I'm not being as genuine as I can be and how being more genuine and innovative with my approach to finding a job gives me more energy and perspective. 

I've been here for almost 3 weeks now and I'm running into people I've met almost daily. Goes to show that at least something I'm doing has to be right. 

Lazim, I have to, continue.

I recorded this with Jan back in January but didn't upload it until now. At the time I didn't feel like I had Jan at his genuine best. I want you guys to see him the way I do. But hey, for now you'll only hear his majestic voice. 

This was right after our final exams for our 5th semester out of a total of 6 semesters for our entire degree. 

We're keeping this one for the memory book :)