Midnight Wisdom

I feel like a seed under concrete. 

Being the type of person ready to push against a city full of potential.

Alongside of that, I realized that a bad feeling was looming over me for the longest time, and after sitting down and focusing on that feeling, I realized it's my relationship to Midnight Wisdom that's causing that. I haven't set limits on my recordings. I haven't set anything to grow against, so how am I supposed to grow?

After a year of free style recording, now I'm going to set different limits on how I'm going to record and how I'm going to upload. 

For the next three months, 12 weeks, 12 episodes, I'm going to record single topic episodes that are limited to being 15 minutes long. 

After that, who knows what other limits I'll put in place, and how. 

But right now, I'm growing against a concrete city, and I'm growing against myself. 

Because if I look at where I am right now, there's nothing in the world that can stand in my way except my own self. 

I will grow against the concrete.

I share my experience the last two weeks. How I left Hamburg and made it to Berlin.

I'm off to see my brother and his girlfriend in Berlin tomorrow and I'm taking this chance to record maybe the last episode I can in this park. My life is in some form of interlude and I'm waiting to see in which direction it can go. 

It feels overwhelming when you build up the things you have to do in life instead of simply sitting down and chipping away at them little by little. And it doesn't help that I've put so many different things on my plate and built such huge expectations of when and how they should be finished. 

Leaving notes and tidbits for my future self to take care of when all my future self is getting is busier. Thankfully I took the time to clear away a lot of the clutter in my mind that's been holding me back, and now it's time to continue. 

I share more mistakes I made the last few weeks and what I take from them: Don't let your expectation of you think you should decide affect your decision when you're actually in the moment, when new information makes itself clear to you. Trust yourself, stop yourself, and do what's right. 

I'm afraid of losing the moment. To forget how it felt, to let go of the experience I had. 

It's my job as a writer to hold on to the moments I think that matter, and put them together in a way that creates more meaning to anyone willing to listen. So I can't let myself lose the things that happen around me. But it just gets so overwhelming keeping track of it all. 

In the plane from Jordan to Prague, I came up with a new idea for a novel, and during my two days in Prague, I felt all the gaps of the narrative being filled with every moment life presented me. As long as I was looking for meaning in those moments.

The people who I came across along the way and the witty conversations that happened on the fly. 

I'll trust myself to hold on to the things that matter.

I was supposed to be at my graduation, but here I am, back home with my family.

Did I make the right choice? 

I think so. 

Yazan and I were inspired after visiting the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam. A trip he invited me to after we both graduated from university. 

We recorded in the Amsterdam Vondelpark on a beautiful Saturday afternoon on the 21st of September 2019.

Yazan was the person who convinced me to drop university in Jordan and come to Germany directly. One of the biggest decisions in my life that turned everything around, in a good and bad way at the same time. 

The episode starts with Yazan sharing his perspective on Van Gogh, someone who spent the last ten years of his life trying to find their One True Thing. He believes we all have this thing. And that if we at least pursue it, life can reach a level of magic difficult to imagine. 

"You're either an actor your entire life, or you're constantly pursuing your truth."

Now I'm sitting here, in the Hamburg airport waiting for my 13 hour transit flight to Jordan to visit my family for one week before coming back. 

Amsterdam was insane. I love it there. I love how open the people are. I felt like I could be friends with anyone around me and deeply connect with people I've only seen for the first time. A feeling you don't get too often in Germany. 

My flight from Amsterdam to Hamburg was at 6:55 in the morning and I was at a rave I had to leave at 2 am to make it to the aiport in time. 

So far, up until now, I've only had short bursts of sleep every chance I get. I'm never flying such a short flight so early in the morning, the second you fall asleep is the second you wake up again because the plain would have already landed. 

Oh, let's not forget I had a cold the entire time I was there because I spent most of the two days before flying to Amsterdam recording the last bits of the online course. My throat was dry and my nose was always packed. But I pushed through and tried to have the best time I could. Sometimes I didn't have the energy to go as far as I wanted to but the entire trip was relaxed enough to make it worth it and not too exhausting. 

What a lovely place, the Netherlands., a system where everything 'bad' is allowed but with everything functioning so damn well. It's a beautiful thing.

it's 11:21 AM right now, I should be in Amman tomorrow at 3 in the morning. 

I guess some reading is due.

A full moon. The microphone and me in an intimate embrace for two hours. 

Like clockwork. Tick. Tock. 

I wrote this short story three full years ago and I wanted to share it with you all. 

A story of a sleepless man, a black box and a shadowy figure. All coming full circle.

What's bumkk?

Four days left to submit to the thesis and here I am smoking in a park talking about how all of this fits into my plan. 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not out darkness that most frightens us. What's your deepest fear?