MōKuest Studios Media Network

Wadatah, our damies. We invite you to partake in a Mokuest tradition established years ago of watching one of the absolute best movies ever made on New Year’s Eve! Do you like ass kicking? Do you like kids avoiding cigarettes and malt liquor? Well, do we have a paragon of virtue in the form of Pootie Tang for you via the brainchild of Louis C.K. with Chris Rock’s blessing to provide us with a film that, at the heart of it, is a parody of blaxpoitation films from the 1970s. Pootie isn’t a Jack of All Trades, but a Master, and excels particularly in music, film, martial arts, pottery, and can fix a mean shoe. Pootie is so fly that he was diagnosed as being “too cool for words”, but, despite this, everyone always knew what he meant. Pootie is so badass he had a budget version of TLC perform a song about him! However, his efforts to be the best man he can possibly be to the world around him drew the stink eye of Corporate America (CA) that had an issue with him (Pootie’s PSA campaigns were bleeding them dry). This cinematic masterpiece’s central conflict is CA trying to stop Pootie Tang from being a pone tony. Starring Lance Crouther, this flick is chock full of funny folk including Bob Costas, dudes that were on “The Wire”, Wanda Sykes, the man himself, Chris Rock, and Stifler’s Mom! This movie can be argued as a superhero flick because not all heroes wear capes–sometimes they wear shell necklaces and wield belts. Join Rey, Roland, and Daniel as they poorly attempt an MST3K take on a movie we find no major problems with. Regardless, the important thing to remember, kids, is to say “Sadatay” and feel okay and don’t bang the dillies!

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Cinekuest Presents: Year of the Villain Face Off aka The Roast of Johnny Wong

Says it in the title folks–we finally bring you our votes for best-worst (and worst-worst) villain from our year’s action-verse reviews. Do we give it to the millenia-old wizard of ChinaTown, the eternally thirsty Lo Pan? Or maybe the nutballs serial killer-clown Simon Phoenix? Does the Shogun of Harlem have what it takes to whup all ya’lls asses back to the stone age? Can Silverio become The True Maestre? Does the No-Plan Computer-Man Sid 6.7 stand a chance? Can Phd murder-nerd Dr. Luthor stack up against everyone with his terminator toasters? Cisco has love for us all…does that also include these bastardos? Or will all these badasses fall prey to the AIDS Brigade?!? Oh, right, there’s Johnny Wong too. Can’t forget about the Littlest Bi@$h. Among all of these contenders  we argue and attempt to disprove why Roland is always right (keep trying). Join Daniel, Rey, and Roland in our movie villains in review analysis battle royale.  

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Cinekuest Concludes a True Trilogy–Army of Darkness: Rise of the S-Mart SaviorAs the last of our year’s trilogies we went with one of the most ridiculous, pants-shittingly hilarious takes on demonic possession and time travel your black little hearts of horror could dream of. Imagine if Mel Brooks and the Cryptkeeper tried to direct Lord of the Rings. This is Sam Raimi unleashed baby! With a mega thicc budget and nobody in his way, there was just no stopping him, bringing us a timeless, incomparable medieval monster-fest masterpiece. Directly following the “second” Evil Dead movie, Ash is hurled back in time to the “ye olde” age, where he quickly dominates those primitive screw-heads with his understanding of “compositions and things with molecular structures”. Big brain flex dabs are to be expected with a badass of Ash’s caliber. He’s totally not an absolute pansy-ass (not in front of the primates-they can sense sissyness). Ash is at his best when he’s completely backed into a corner–then the kitty-cat’s chainsaw arm comes out. Pit Bitches beware–the Chosen One Cometh. How will Ash get his ass back in time for work? Them bills don’t pay themselves, yeah? Join Roland, Daniel, and Rey as we wish movies were still this cool (they aren’t).     

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Cinekuest Presents a Ballistic Break Dance Fight Night Featuring Marko Mark and Lou Diamond Phillips in The Big HitThis John Woo adjacent flophouse special with a dash of Wesley Snipes as a producer is definitely not worth watching for the star, the Wallbangerberg. In this flick, he  is completely overshadowed by the true star of La Bamba fame–Lou Diamond Phillips. He has the love for you, baby, with a goatee truly manicured to hell, rendering Roland’s jokes about Daniel’s mustache moot (Qapla’!)! Melvin Smiley is a soft-spoken, redheaded heartthrob with six-pack formed by years of mastering hand-to-hand combat and gymnastics with two ladies and is a complete pushover people-pleaser. Did we mention he’s also a contract killer? Probably should have led with that. How one can be all these things at once is a true symptom of a recently discovered illness medical researchers call Whatthefuckwerethewritersthinkingitis, but that’s what the action and comedy is for and there is a metric fuckload of it! Most of it is brought by Lou Diamond Fucking Phillips overacting an already over-the-top personality as Melly’s buddy/coworker/loveable cutthroat bastardo Cisco. He’s like a cross between a mariachi hip-hop star and Yakuza underling which is fucking hilarious. Anywhatsits, MelloMark is just tryna get paid and laid while surrounded by his seemingly utterly mundane home life. Between Chantel, his gold digger side piece, constantly blue ball bashing him for bills and his actual fiance’ Christina Goddamn Applegate tossing his savings down the drain leaving Smiles a financial shithouse. Cisco the absolute angel swoops in to save the day for Melvy, taking a “huge risk” offering his brochacho (the MVP of their hit squad) a non-union sanctioned job. That’s what he do ‘cuz he gots so much love for you, BAYBEE. How could this possibly get any better for the Marksman? He doesn’t deserve friends like that. Then things get fucking stupid–stupid awesome. Join Rey, Roland, and Daniel as we argue over why Young Guns is one of best BRAT PACK westerns of ALL TIME. 

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Cinekuest Pre-Turkeyday Returnening to the Tromaverse with Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken DeadWhat do you get when you build a fried chicken franchise on an “ancient Indian burial ground?” Not laser raptors, but undead chicken-demons possessed by souls seeking revenge. Not only is this amazing premise offered to us, but it’s also a…drumroll, please…a…fucking…musical! Arbie (you’ll get it) is a dumbshit pipsqueak pisspot left behind by Wendy, his girlfriend, as she zips off to Experimentation Boot Camp (college) and meets Micki. When Wendy (gettin’ the jerkojoke yet?) runs into Arbie at a protest outside of the grand opening of American Chicken Bunker where he calls her on her bullshit shallow ass trendy values localized in her sexuality and decides to go work for “The Man”. As the new Counter Girl for the new store, Arbie works under Denny (you have gotten it by now, right?) and alongside Carls Jr., Paco Bell, and Hummus. This movie starts with a fun unrequited love and spite angle of a plot, Lloyd Kaufman then proceeds to crack out a can of  Classic Horror Tropes from his plot-force utility belt. Remember the “ancient Indian burial ground” Wendy and Micki were protesting alongside a stereotypical drunken Native American? It soon becomes quite relevant. As most of you are aware, in any Troma film is basically a powder keg of batshittery just waiting to blast everyone to hell with boobs, explosions, butt stuff, ball stuff, realistic looking poop and a shit fountain. Oh, yeah, remember it’s also a musical! Most importantly, it is damned funny. Join Daniel, Rey, and Roland as we try to give you a brief idea of what the crap is happening in this movie.

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Cinekuest Continues: Trilogy of the Dead Part 2 (Part 1 actually though): Birth of the Boomstick

In this episode, your favorite trio reviews Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn, alternatively titled “The Return to the Beginning”. What’s hilarious about this series is the fact that, rather than offering us the glory that is “Army of Darkness” after the cult hit of Evil Dead, we received a flaccid reboot of the aforementioned hit. Despite the rehash, we do get a glimpse into the ridiculous humor locked inside Sam Raimi’s brain! This movie is as absurdly funny as it is gory. We also get blessed with hilariously bad costumery and amazing practical effects. We realize you can only become so aroused, but this flick also features 100% more Ash. Groovy. All in all, this is basically the same story as the original with everything you loved about the OG version, but ramped up to 11. Welcome to sweet horror slapstick comedy majesty with gallons of blood, a dismembered, demonically-possessed hand, a girlfriend who has a thing for dancing in life and un-life, tentacle porn (again!), demons, demons, aaaaaaaand…you guessed it, more demons that are ready to swallow your sooooooooouuullll!!! Pfffft. We dare you not to laugh at this masterpiece of cinemaI. Join Daniel, Rey, and Roland as we chat about this flick with the underlying hope that the Book of the Dead’s prophecies come to pass.

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It’s the 31st of Quarantober and you know what that means–HAPPY HALLOWEEN! After breaking our collective three brain cells on our recent coverage of The Twelfth Planet, we sorted through the bargain bin for the best budget knowledge of the phantasmagoric! Do people remain racist after they die? Can ghosts help the lonely? Tune in as Rey, Roland, Bryce, and Daniel, The Mökuest Investigative Team (solely so that we can say “MIT” so people think we have proper credentials when we’re on the case #therealMIT) take a shallow dive into the world of specters. Listen to our meandering discussion of the various types of apparitions present in our territorial bubbles or even knowing them in the Biblical sense (“The Bible rules, Beavis.”). Some ghosts want that good lovin’ and some are just pricks. 

TIMESTAMPS

00:00 Intro

04:30 Miley and Demi UFOs

23:00 Interactive Ghost

26:30 Ectoplasm Ghost

30:00 Poltergeist 

39:30 Orbs

43:00 Funnel Ghost

44:45 Unaware Ghost

46:30 Denial Ghost

48:15 Denial Ghost

49:00 Jealous Ghost

51:00 Fearful Ghost

52:00 Melancholy Ghost

53:15 Misson Ghost

55:00 Goodbye Ghost

56:45 Mischievous Ghost

57:45 Angry Ghost

1:00:00 Ghost Story 1

1:05:00 Ghost Story 2 (La Borde House)

1:21:00 Ghost Story 3 (Reys Doppelgänger)

1:27:45 Ghost Sex

1:43:00 Episode Close

1:43:35 Bloopers

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The Best Worst Horror Movie Remakenings

As we hermit through the best and only important month of the year–we spent quite a bit more time than expected on this episode going through all the horror reboots we could find or remember. While there are a few “good ones” here and there–this is still one super-sized pile of crapola we’re shoveling through. The Hollywood trend of saving a buck on brainpower and licensing fees or exploiting what were once fan-favorite franchises has mostly always been an idiotic half-assed shit show at best (why Evil Dead, why) and at worst, The Wicker Man (the bees…goddammit). Sometimes, they get lucky. If only it happened more often. Then again, some of us really like a thick slice of crappiness pie with our movie experience. Join Roland, Rey and Daniel as we inundated you with all the redux horror hits and doodoo redos.  

Episode Timestamps:

00:00 Intro

04:00 Night of the Living Dead (1990)

12:00 Evil Dead (2013)

28:00 Halloween (2007)

34:00 House on Haunted Hill (1999)

39:00 Childs Play (2019)

46:00 House of Wax (2005)

49:00 The Grudge (2004)

59:00 The Fly (1986)

01:05:00 The Hills Have Eyes (2006)

01:14:00 Friday the 13th (2009)

01:22:00 13 Ghosts (2001)

01:33:00 The Amityville Horror (2005)

01:38:00 Dracula (1992)

01:44:00 It Chapter 1 (2017)

01:46:00 Suspiria (2018)

01:47:00 The Town that Dreaded Sundown (2014)

01:49:00 The Blob (1988)

01:50:00 Dawn of the Dead (2004)

01:55:00 The Wicker Man (2006)

02:00:00 Poltergeist (2015)

02:01:00 I Am Legend (2007)

02:02:00 Fright Night (2013)/Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

02:13:00 Closing Remarks

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In our final episode of our 12th Planet coverage, we rant about Chapters Eleven through Fifteen to complete the book. Sitchin’s reconstruction of what really happened continues with the “Upper” and “Lower” Worlds managed by Enlil and Ea, two of the principal gods (and brothers!) tasked with harvesting resources from Earth for Niburu, the 12th Planet! As you’d expect, they didn’t do a damn thing themselves. Instead, they made the rank-and-file gods (referred to as the Nephalim) do it. After an indeterminate period of time ceaselessly working, they rebelled against Enlil, demanding respite from the thankless work. After the first bargaining session, the pit bosses elected to create humanity to bear their yoke. To achieve this, the gods spliced DNA from their stock and that of the “ape-men” tooling around thousands of years ago. Once again, as you’d expect, the idiot gods failed to leave the matter alone when Enki decided to be humanity’s first personal Jesus, bringing advanced knowledge and techniques needed to survive and flourish on Earth which angered Enlil (for some gods damned reason), who saw humans as disposable. Thus, the gods decided to destroy their servants with a great flood, which Sitchin draws parallels from other Deluge myths, creating his own sci-fi Noah’s Ark. Join Rey, Roland, and Daniel as they stumble through the stunning conclusion that appeared through the foggy darkness Sitchin generated through his life’s work.

00:00 Intro 

00:06 Chapter 11

00:40 Chapter 12

01:02  Chapter 13

01:16  Chapter 14

01:36  Chapter 15

01:54  Closing Remarks

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Follow us Patreon for bonus content, early releases and uncut episodes at https://www.patreon.com/mokueststudiosMusic provided by Bryce Leka & L. Rey Miranda (aka King Louie, aka BEEF, aka EL Rey, aka HK).If you have a paranormal/supernatural story to share, email us at [email protected]

Cinekuest for the Halloweening-Lockdown Edition-The FrightnersFor our non-spooky time revelers, we cough*somewhat mostly one person*cough have used the at-home hijinks opportunity to pick another crazy-cool episode with extra-as-fuck actor Jeffrey Combs. Also cool lead star Michael J. Fox. See if you can find the director’s cameo. See into the funky-ass mind of director Peter Jackson before he went full Hollywood Dominator with LOTR. Frank Bannister (MJ Fox) was a normal, yuppie architect thirsting after his own basketball court when an unfortunate accident left him driving a busted-ass Model Pos Ford and slumming with the spectors of the un-living. Cool dudes, mostly. Channeling his best Peter Venkman, Franky boy grifts random marks using a squirt gun and a toaster oven with the aid of his dead-bros. This works for a time until word gets around about a spirit shyster. By the power of plot-force, this coincides with a string of seemingly unrelated, unexplainable deaths (sure they are). Enter FBI Agent Paranormal Obsessionist Extraordinaire, Milton Dammers (Jeffrey Combs) who takes his shiet so seriously, he’s got a fucking uzi (standard issue, sure). This guy would be a beast if he wasn’t so borked in the brain. And afraid of the ladies. Imagine if you will, Agent Herbert West himself- just less power of science and more X-files nuthouse Illuminati. Get ready for one of the best comedy horror movies of the mid 90’s. Join Rey, Roland and Daniel as we recount the killer funnies.  

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