Monday Morning Ketchup

You ever think about that phrase? "Comin' up the rear." Huh.

After a long and well-deserved bout of almost-seasickness, the boys are back together and taking a trip down to the ketchup mines for that classic bout of weird business you know and love. More deep dives are on the way, but this week exploding VR headsets, 40 rotisseries chickens, excrement-covered British gimps, and racist horses will have to tide you over!

Fun Fact: Napoleon Bonaparte was reportedly a huge fan of rotisserie chickens, ensuring his servants would be able to prepare and them to him 24/7. He's still got nothing on our Philadelphian hero!

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Palmer Luckey Develops Lethal VR Headset Inspired By Sword Art Online

Hundreds cheer the red carpet eating of 40th rotisserie chicken, 'a part of Philly history'

Possible Native American burial ground exposed at Florida beach after Hurricane Nicole

CREEPY BRITISH GIMP

METH DONUT

Likened to KKK: Ghost costumes on Ohio police horses cause controversy

Woman Accused of Drugging Men Using Her Nipples

JUST A FLORIDA MAN EATING CHEESECAKE IN THE EVERGLADES

Florida traveler stuffed gun into a raw chicken and tried to bring it on the plane, TSA says

Welcome to Ketchup Packets, a new Monday Morning Ketchup series where Mike and PJ take a deep dive into a singular bizarre topic. To kick things off we're covering the ancient and insane practice of animal trials -- the history, the philosophy, and best of all, all the absurd cases of animals being subject to the cold gavel of justice! 

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To begin this week's Ketchup, a ball-dropping of epic proportions. Only we could go several weeks ignoring the biggest two bizarre news stories in the world: the left and the right one.

With that podcasting crime rectified, we then move on to furry litter boxes, hot (and strong) youth pastors, Spanish bishops-turned-pig-masturbators, a HORRIFYING layering of contact lenses, emotional support alligators, and so much more!

Fun Fact: "Interior Crocodile Alligator" has an actual place of origin, and it's this song. It's a FREESTYLE. The line came from A GOD DANG FREESTYLE! My life has CHANGED FOREVER. 

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HOW DID WE MISS THE BIG TIDDY SHOP TEACHER

SCOTTISH DOG SUICIDE BRIDGE

Do you <3 hot youth pastors?

THE FAT BEAR CONTEST WAS RIGGED

LITTER BOXES FOR THE FURRIES

Personal lubricant made from cow mucus may protect against HIV

Spanish bishop who quit clergy to be with sexologist lover finds new job exporting pig semen

Man plays his saxophone through 9-hour, "very, very complex" brain surgery to remove tumor

Oil protesters arrested after throwing tomato soup at Van Gogh painting

Doctor removes 23 contact lenses from eye of patient who 'forgot to take them out for almost a month'

Calls to feed contraceptive pills to aggressive seagulls are flawed, says BirdWatch Ireland

Pennsylvania man's alligator becomes emotional support animal

Man, high on magic mushrooms, causes chaos on flight from Miami

The Ketchup Gods are not always so gracious in their bounty. Weeks go by filled not with the thick, viscous and rich ketchup we take for granted, but the watered-down, swished around dregs that we must cling to in times of utter desperation.

Sometimes, you gotta find the fun. And Mike and PJ sure found a lot of fun in this week's on-their-face-kinda-not-so-bizarre roundup of stories. Ready to sling some wein?

Fun Fact: The federal government lowered the limit of fluoride levels in public water utilities in 2015, from a range of 0.7 to 0.12 milligrams per liter to a maximum of 0.7 milligrams. Admission of guilt? Or a subtle proof point that maybe fluoride isn't making everyone dumber? I don't know, but these chompers be sparklin'!

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Mace Attack at Manhattan Subway Station Causes Mass Coughing, Vomiting

6 Women In Neon Green Leotards Attack 2 New York Subway Riders

New York Man Charged With Putting Several Reptiles In His Pants

Bruce Willis denies selling rights to his face

Disgruntled Tourist Smashed Two 2,000-Year-Old Statues in the Vatican Because He Was Denied a Meeting With Pope Francis

Town employee quietly lowered fluoride in water for years

A Small Canadian Town Is Now the Home of a 17-foot-tall Cheeto Statue

Climate protesters arrested after gluing themselves to Picasso painting at Melbourne gallery

Vladimir Putin’s Two Birthday Gifts

Jair Bolsonaro Would Totally Eat an Indian

Woman pays for "Russian astronaut" to return to Earth in alleged no scam

NASA Crashes Into Asteroid to Test Defense System

Florida Man Rides out Hurricane Ian on Sailboat

What happens when you stuff two week's worth of ketchup into one show? 

Bad things. Horrifying, emergent, potentially multidimensionally evil things...

But also good things! Giant African land snail escargot... Robotrippin chicken... Clown wigs at Dairy Queen... and even COO cannibalism!

All this, and somehow so much more, on this week's Monday Morning Ketchup! Get into it!

Disclaimer: Not EVERY Latin family contains a Maria (at least one of us believes).

Fun Fact: Pica is the term for a broad array of mental disorders associated with eating non-food objects. There are many "flavors" of pica disorder, such as Trichophagia (hair, wool, and other fibers), Cautopyreiophagia (burnt matches), Acuphagia (sharp objects), and Geomelophagia (raw potatoes) -- this last one just a general symptom of being Irish.

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DELUGE OF DILDOS

Chess grandmaster accused of using anal beads and artificial intelligence to cheat

The 9/11 Menu

LOAB

Irish Woman Swallows a Disturbing Number of Batteries 

THE SNAIL EXPORT INDUSTRY IS ALIVE AND WELL

Armed PA man in wig trying to ‘restore Trump as President’ arrested at Dairy Queen

IGUANA BOUNTIES IN MIAMI

FDA warns of chicken ‘marinated’ in NyQuil TikTok challenge

Beyond Meat COO arrested for biting man’s nose near Razorback Stadium

Popular Food Truck Owner Accused of Luring Women Into a ‘Cult’

A patient couldn’t pass gas or poop after a Florida doctor’s colon mistake, state says

Do you like... public service announcements? USB cords? Ceiling pickles? Polish vampires? Donkey genitals?

Then boy howdy are you somehow in the right place!

This week's ketchup is a return to its long, thicc, juicy red roots! Dive in and learn what happened in the last of week of our ever-bizarre world!

Fun Fact: Donkey skins are used in the Chinese folk medicine as "eijao" -- the extracted gelatin from the donkey's hide. It's sold and used as a remedy for bleeding (?), insomnia, dry cough, and dizziness. It's so popular, China needs to import the skins (and genitals) from Africa!

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The Queen’s Bees Have Been Notified

Speeding Woman on Cocaine Kills Drunk Driver High on Meth in North Las Vegas

Chinese Man Trapped Aloft in Hydrogen Balloon for 2 Days, Traveling 200 Miles

LEAVE THE VAMPIRE SKELETON ALONE

Mysterious Vermont Poop Dumper

$6k Ceiling Pickle or Way-Too-Expensive McDonald's Hamburger 

DONKEY PENISES SEIZED BEFORE EXPORT FROM NIGERIA TO HONG KONG

North Carolina Co-Pilot “Exits” Skydiving Airplane

That’s Not Where the USB Cable Goes

World’s Most Expensive Trash Bag

Like Elon Musk, Trump Tried to Pay His Lawyer With a Horse

Florida Man Scooter Rampage

The boys are back in town. They're in your yard, here for your milkshake. They're crying wolf, being sent to do a man's job, and just wrapped Season 3.

Wait, no, not any of those boys! I'm talking about the Ketchup Boys Mi-kul and Pol-jon!

Yes indeedy, the Ketchup flows freely again this week with stories of our anusless ancestors, suspiciously focused "historical" wine, baby fetish zoning codes, a whole plate of dog penis, FOOT, and baseless accusations about armless stabbings. 

All that in more in this, the latest Monday Morning Ketchup! 

Fun Fact: The term PJ was trying to think of is "The Cambrian Explosion," which was a period of rapid biological diversity that occurred just over half a billion years ago -- and is also a sick band name. 

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Mystery of half-billion year old creature with no anus solved

Italian winemaker to stop selling Hitler wine

Adult baby store to file appeal after board affirms city’s decision

Texas congressman swears off 'eating a whole plate of dog penis' again

Foot found in Yellowstone hot spring linked to July death

Miami advances plan to move homeless onto island

The woman accused of stealing Pelosi's laptop gets to attend Renaissance Faire

Armless Florida man accused of stabbing tourist

There's no time for jokes -- this week's Ketchup contains a CRITICAL message about monkey pox and what YOU can do to stop the spread of monkey-violence.

It also contains only slightly less important messages about vabbing, hyena testicles, mysterious Mexican space orbs, barbeque cum drinking parties, the rumored STD capital of the United States right here in the Sunshine State, and last but certainly not least, a heroic Florida woman who has had enough of the pigs and their supposed "protecting and serving".

Fun Fact: Mad honey is sold on the black market for as much as $80 a pound, making it one of the most expensive honeys in the world. In some parts of the world, it's sold as a miracle cure for hypertension, fatigue, and even as an alternative to Viagra. 

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Follow us on Twitter! | twitter.com/MondayKetchup

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WHO Says Don’t Attack Monkeys Over Monkeypox 

TikTokers are Vabbing and It’s Not Great

Bear Gets Super High on “Mad Honey”, Rescued by Turkish Park Officials

Kenyan Presidential Candidate Loves Weed, Wants to Export Hyena Testicles

Hong Kong Cum Problem

Car Thief Brutally Stuffs Himself in Innocent Teddy Bear

The Case of the Weatherman and the Mysterious Mexican Orb 

Zukerberg “creepy and manipulative,” per Meta chatbot AI

Is This Florida Retirement Community Really the STD Capital of the U.S.?

Florida Woman Hates Cops, Informs Them 11,000 Times in One Year

Image credit to knowyourmeme.com

Nobody would've guessed it, but Mike and PJ are back on that old ketchup-stained nag for another down-home roundup of the craziest stories of the past week!

The Ketchup Gods adorned us all this week with tales of dead robot spiders, embarrassing Italian wiener incidents, the ongoing, completely insane saga of Ezra Miller, a suspiciously familiar COVID "cure," intergalactic wars between aliens and Chinese myth dragons, and somehow so much more !  

Fun Fact: SpotemGottem's hit "BeatBox" is not exactly Mike or PJ's jam, but it does have 35 million YouTube views, which must mean something... Can't wait for his next single, "SeadooSwerve"! 

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Follow us on Twitter! | twitter.com/MondayKetchup

Review us on Spotify and Apple Pods! Nothing helps us more than great reviews!

Scientists turned dead spiders into robots

Humans could breathe out of their buttholes like pigs, and trials will begin this year

Embryos can be listed as dependents on tax returns, Georgia rules

Pearson plans to sell its textbooks as NFTs

Massachusetts grants absolution to its last remaining witch

Athlete Loses Race in Colombia After His Penis Came Out in The Middle of The Run

Paranoid Ezra Miller Wears Body Armor, Gun Everywhere as Alleged Victims Compare Him to Cult Leader: Report

Cracker Barrel sparks uproar for plant-based sausage critics say is ‘woke’

Florida rapper 'SpotemGottem' arrested after Miami jet ski chase

Florida Man Who Sold Toxic Bleach As “Miracle Cure” For COVID, Extradited From Columbia To U.S.

Florida Man Arrested Trying to Warn Space Force Base of Alien-Dragon War

Image credit: Pig butt!!!! by ArtBrom on Openverse