This time it’s personal.

 

The Boys are back at it again in the thrilling conclusion to Season 1 of Monkey Feet Hands. Will the true meaning of the show’s mysterious title finally be revealed? Will our heroes make their way back to the surface unscathed? Will the true identity of their captor finally be revealed? Find out on this, the final episode of the season, and quite possibly the final episode of these podcast host’s lives.

Hello, enjoy listening please with extreme attention. Recording episodes today really a personal pleasure everyone do it now and be undistracted now knowing extreme respect.

No, this is not America, this is Monkey Feet Hands. Next question please.

 

 

 

 

Ok, if there is nothing else I guess we will wrap this thing up. Enjoy folks.

 

Yankee Doodle as performed by Ann Fontanella

 

Special Musical Guest: Alvin and the Incels

A Special Message From the Producers:

 

Hello, it is with much embarrassment and humiliation that we come before you today to say that the following episode of Monkey Feet Hands will be presented to you with no alterations other that the appropriate thematic music at the proper designated moment of said episode. That is to say:

This episode is uncut. The horrible hosts of this program neglected to present the contractually obligated content in an on brand and non disruptive manner and therefore we here at the business end of Monkey Feet Hands were given no recourse, but to fulfill our mandate to you the listener with a raw recording of an episode rather than subject you to a severely redacted and thereby utterly nonsensical piece of mindlessness.

They cut everything Corey Baltazar said in their useless version of the episode, and so here you are—an unadulterated look into the inferior minds of the degenerate hosts (for now) of Monkey Feet Hands.

Warning: this episode of Monkey Feet Hands contains real unadulterated audio captured during the performance of a ritual to communicate with the dead. Do not attempt any such rituals at home without the expressed written consent of your parent/guardian/local zoning board/city council. Do not listen to this episode if you are easily spooked. Do not listen to this episode if you are faint of heart. Do not listen to this episode if you are afraid of things recorded in the dark.

We here at Monkey Feet Hands will never shy away from controversy. You know that whatever the facts are—Hunky Teat Glands is going to be all over them, because those facts are more precious to us than all the riches of Scotland. Those facts are the tapestry upon which we will dance the dance of objective reality. The commitment we have to the truth is unrivaled. You see, Hunky Yeet Mans is a more than a mere entertainment show. Lunky Teat Glands is a program designed to edify your very life. Punky Street Bands is a monumental shift in consciousness. Skunky Skeet Strands is the doctrine of the new humanity.

The guests we have on today might say some things that the thought police in the MSM and the quote unquote “social media” don’t want to hear. Hal Holland Holiday has written a controversial book. Brendt Kitchelman admitted his intent to commit both infanticide and cannibalism. So what, you don’t think they have the right to free speech? Well sorry you lefty pinkos, they get to say whatever they want, and nobody is going to do a damn thing about it—because apparently when random unknown people say horrible shit, no one cares. Funny how hypocritical you look now, isn’t it?

Everyone agrees that the biggest problem facing our universe today is that no one ever helps each other, and the biggest problem facing our high schools today is social media inspired bullying; these facts are indisputable and frankly they remain undisputed as such. Following this logic, our guests today are of course fully in agreement with these facts, and fully prepared to do something about it.

School counselor Bobby T. and professional youth football coach Bobby C. will tell us all about the latest trend in childhood chicanery & churlishness. WE (your beloved, intrepid, beguiling hosts) will try our best to find a solution, while a certain someone who shall remain unnamed attempts to foil us at every turn. The producers left a company stooge to watch over our show today, but do not fear my dear, sweet, supple listener—for we shall overcome him, and you shall bear witness to our victory.

The fish becomes the fisherman, and the turtle’s boat ye shall see.

These words were left on the body of a murder victim found in the early morning hours of Tuesday, April 3rd 2018. An area man who happened to be out for his daily constitutional spotted a gloved hand peeking out from the underbrush. Upon further examination he realized that this gloved hand belonged to one dead mamma jamma. We didn’t have time to discuss this riddle on today’s show. Please solve it for us before it’s too late to claim the reward money. We could really use it to spring our friend Bill Walnuts out of the slammer.

Time is running out.

There is something about human nature that calls us to furious passion, the likes of which confounds our own comprehension. Relentlessly, our soul seeks its aims; for any sensible soul the only aim is to endlessly collapse into the cool apathy of materialism. However, there are those whose unrequited efforts staunchly persist in the name of unique pursuits, the likes of which us normies could never hope to understand. Kim Po Nguyen is one such individual, who lives a life in search of a proverbial white whale. Listen in to find out what it is that confounds Kim, and you may also find out where your other sock went (and I am not talking about the toad-dog sock exchange bullshit conspiracy theory popularized by the hit television series Arthur) I am talking real science based discoveries about the nature of matter and its relationship to the universe via the timecube. With that firmly in mind put on your remaining socks, and get ready for them to get blown right off.

Quick mea culpa: we had a big important guest lined up for this week's episode. He was one of the World’s top horse dentists. Unfortunately, he lost his license in a malpractice case that involved several late night rendezvous with a black market chimp dealer and his friend Bozo. Need I say more? Please, have a listen anyway if not only to humor us. Our last minute replacement guest, Mr. Edardo Echinaceous Skump, also happens to practice his vocation in the realm of the equine. He ain’t no horse dentist, but he loves the ballet as much as my dentist!

That is ... if you can believe that. I personally would advise against such beliefs. However, I have lost my license to practice as a counselor or therapist of any kind in the United States after the aforementioned malpractice case managed to embroil me in some less than truthful testimony. So I cannot legally advise you of anything; all because I care. You stick up for your friends, and they call it a crime. Here I thought this was America.

 

Special musical appearance by Alvin post-Chipmunk