My Favourite Monster

In this episode we rant and rave about the worst adaption of Godzilla ever to crawl out of a Hollywood management boardroom (The 1998 adaption of Godzilla featuring Matthew Broderick and half the cast of The Simpsons) and we eventually rate it's many pet qualities. 

We ask the key questions:

• Is it ok to take the God out of Godzilla?
• Exactly how does a giant lizard sneak up on things?
• What do you do if you keep losing your city destroying monster?
• He's pregnant from birth...? That's quite advanced thinking for 98!
• And... should we be testing more natural disasters for pregnancy?
• What does a "404 Godzilla not found error" mean and how do you avoid it?

In this episode we rate the pet-dog-robot-agent-of-madness that is GIR from one of the darkest cartoons ever made for children, Invader Zim. A creation of Johnen Vasquez, famous for his nihilistic gothic parody.

We analyze the squeedily spooch out of GIR, collecting organs and probing the vast non-euclidean space inside his thermos like head.
* What is the mean safe distance for your pet GIR?
* Why is GIR more popular that you?
* Why is his head so biiiig?
* What should your rubber piggy budget be?
* I saw a squirrel, he was doing like this --> OwO

So listen to our tale of doomy pet themed... doom.

In this episode George and Tony purposefully catalogue in exacting detail the Modron, a creature of pure order (That means it does precisely what you tell it to).

We file (using form 32y, sub-section: query):
* What happens to typewriters when they die?
* Do armchairs have butt-holes?
* How do I ensure my Modron pet does not go insane?
* Are Modrons baby, cat and neighbours dog friendly?
* What do I feed my anthropomorphic dice-bot

This podcast rates 97 on the Frenzel Scroons satisfaction index and has been approved by the Fraternity or Order for mandatory consumption.

In this episode George and Tony ramble and meander, eventually exploring the furriest axolotl (the Mogwai) and their post pupal stage (Gremlins) for pet purposes.

We ask the big pet questions (before George can throttle Tony):
* Should you give a biological weapon to your son as a present?
* Can you feed your Mogwai wet food?
* What are the industrial uses?
* Can you bathe them in mayonnaise or do you need to dry-clean them?
* If your science teacher is murdered, should you tell someone?
* When will Wes Anderson do a reboot of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves?

 Surprisingly, the Mogwai is only the second ACTUAL pet we have looked at. Go figure.  

So --> Whats a Slaad?  Well, I mean, what ISN'T a Slaad? Honestly, that would be easier wouldn't it? But no, you had to ask what a Slaad was, didn't you?

So think of angels and demons right... but get rid of all the angel and demon bits and chuck what's left in a food processor and pour it in a frog shaped mold.

Because FROG.
THINK about it. Forg. Grof even.

Now, stop thinking! Good job - I'm proud of you. I can tell you're the best at not thinking.
* <-- that's a gold star you earned, because arbitrary reward mechanism.

So, What's a Slaad? Don't ask me, I'm a firetruck. Just listen to the thing berk.

For the first time we consider an actual pet as a pet. In this case it is Goodboy Bindle Featherstone of Quirm, also known as Errol the swamp dragon from the Guards! Guards! Discworld novel by Terry Pratchett (one of our favourite books!).

And why wouldn't you want a badly run alchemical factory the size of a small dog as a pet?

 OK sure, he flames backwards and generates sonic booms in flight... but that honestly sounds like an "other people" problem, don't you think?

Remember, whinny if you love dragons!

We probe the Demonic Balrog from Lord of the Rings and its counterpoint the Balor for people who need a pet that's a little on the wild side.

• Does your Balrog have a pedigree? 
• Is your local city in need of terraforming? 
• Do you need more flaming whips and vorpral swords in your life? 
• Should you store your Balrog in your plumbing? 
• What is a Bogrog? 
• And what is our alignment and challenge rating?

Remember kids, Chaotic Evil is the fun evil.

We consider the Yokai-like monster No Face (from Spirited Away) as a potential pet. 

All of the standard pet evaluation questions are asked: 

• Exactly how much of an elephant does he need to eat to mimic it? 
• If he eats you, and goes to jail for cryptocurrency fraud are you in jail as well? 
• Is there a No Face drinking game? 
• How many cats can you feed him and should you include laser pointers in his diet?

After all, deep down, what does the metaphorical No Face in all of us really want?

We consider an Arrakeen Sandworm for our pet. Because the spice must flow! 

All the relevant lore is reviewed, such as: Do you walk your worm, or does your worm walk you? How much dried shrimp do you need to feed something up to a kilometer long? What are worm kegels? Can you wrestle your worm for funsies? Can you objectify your sandworm?

We learn it is best to follow your golden path and embrace your inner worm and not your fear (because we hear on good authority it is the mind killer - your fear, not the worm. The worm just smooshes you.)

Apologies to Frank & Brian Herbert!

In this episode we consider for our pet: Imhotep the  Mummy (A-Totally-Not-Lich-Honest), from the Mummy franchise of movies.

We explore his various uses from chafing grit to self composting.  We explore what it means to be juicy in a box for three thousand years with nothing to do but think about schtupping(?) the pharaoh's wife and exercising your pelvic floor. We also consider the ten plagues of ancient Egypt (five of which are just "mummy") and one is Benny.

Also cat ears. Because every totally-not-lich needs cat ears.

(We are back to our weekly uploads, after a break in which we moved country during a pandemic... because we are insane :P)