I talk to a lot of people who point the finger at someone else when their feelings are hurt—it’s always that person’s fault. “I was ignored all weekend,” or “I was clearly upset and my partner didn’t ask me what was wrong.” When hurt or upset, you may clam up and expect other people to know how you’re feeling. Perhaps they even sense something is wrong and ask you, to which you respond, “Nothing, I’m fine.” But of course you’re not fine and you want them to know that so they can come to your rescue. When they don’t, you blame them for not caring.

This is an EXTREMELY powerless position you’re putting yourself in because you’re not looking at your own expectations and how you show up. People aren’t inside your head and when you blame their inaction, it’s really a reflection of your own. You have to ask yourself why you aren’t opening up about how you feel and asking for what you need. Why do they have to guess? And why do you assign meaning to what they do or don’t do? It’s not their responsibility to take care of your feelings—it’s yours.

You have to recognize your role and how you participate. When you open up instead of shutting down, and take responsibility for your inaction instead of blaming others, everything shifts. You stop playing the victim and start taking an active role in your happiness. Look at your past and present relationships. Where did you stay quiet, expecting someone else to rescue you from your hurt? What negative beliefs were triggered? The next time you feel yourself shutting down and creating a story about people not caring about you, stop that thinking. Instead, feel your pain and open up to those people about it. It will change everything.