Do you know people who pick fights all the time? They look for an opening to push their opinion or agenda. Or what about those who look for ways to manipulate and undermine others so they feel in control? Maybe YOU even have those tendencies at times. I facetiously use the terms bully and dictator because they provide an effective visual, although they’re more descriptive of behavior patterns than actual personalities. These are the people who want everything to go their way (my way or the highway!) and punish those who don’t go along with the program.

The thing is, beneath all the bravado is an empty space. They may have zero awareness of what is going on with them. They think if you don’t do things their way, it means something is wrong with them. If you don’t see things their way, they have no value. They may start to get anxious, forceful, needy or even clingy, needing you to see their perspective. It all stems from insecurity and negative beliefs. They’re used to not receiving love, attention, acceptance or validation, so in relationships they look for partners who invalidate them, don’t accept them and don’t give them attention. It’s because that’s what they know, unconsciously. They actually WANT a partner they can’t convince to go along with their program, or someone who goes against them more often than not. Crazy, right?

When people act this way, it can be hard for them to acknowledge, but that’s the only way to stop. If you catch yourself moving into dictator mode, ask what you’re trying to get. Is it adoration? Acceptance? Why? If you want healthy relationships, intimate or otherwise, you have to connect with those feelings of emptiness. Feel them. Then start by letting go of control, inch by inch. And if you know people in your life who exude bully and dictator behavior, show them compassion because it means they’re in pain. Fighting back will only fuel the fire, making their emotional armor even stronger.