There are  multplie factors that can influence our listening 🎶👂🎧 in communication with others.  communication involves speaking, listening ,  through various modes of communication such as:
# verbal communication  
#electronic/audio/Video
#written

But  most importantly  LISTENING 🎶

Are you a good listener?
What type of words just give you red flags and makes you loose interest in listening to someone ( whether at work, in seminars, in your family or between you and your partner)?
Is it the way the person is dressed?
Is it the way they talk ( very slowly)?
Is it the topic they are presenting on ?
 
Is it physical or psychological dstractions in the environment?
Do you  willingly drift away?
Is it that you feel the topic presented is too deep for you?
Is culture influencing your ability to  listen, are there certain things you consider to be a taboo an not to be discussed ?
Is it your perceptions of other people or of certain topics?
Or is it that you just don't like the person who is speaking so you loose interest in the content presented?

The examples we give here may or may not be relevant to your situation, you may not be able to relate to them, but you may have your own issues that normally interfere with your ability to listen and many a times ANGER prevent us from listening.

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1.0 Introduction
Our conflict resolution strategies tend to be influenced by our attachment styles. Children watch the way adults work through disagreements and model those patterns of behaviour as they grow up and that influences their perception about conflict and ways of resolving it. Often people use the same strategies or try hard to do the opposite of what they grew up being exposed to.
Attachment simply refers to “lasting psychological connectedness between humans” (Bowlby, 1991; Cherry, 2019).

Scenario: “When the two of you argue, how do you react/act/ resolve the issue?” 
Her: “I think we argue healthily most of the time. But, often when we both feel attacked by the other, we have opposite reactions; I need to keep talking through it to get to a conclusion.” 
Him: “And I just need to go and be alone.” 
The bonds that children have with their caregivers influences the way in which they later address conflict. People who had secure attachments with their parents and/or caregivers are often able to work through conflict with other people and resolve it in respectful, affectionate, and loving manner. But for Children who grew up witnessing dysfunctional conflict resolution strategies, having a secure attachment with others becomes a challenge as they try to avoid making the same mistakes  as their parents.

2.0 What are attachment styles?

According to Bowlby’s Attachment Style Theory (1991), there are three attachments styles based on our attachment to our primary care givers/mum:
1. Secure,  
2. Anxious-Resistant, and  
3.  Avoidant
Recognizing pattern: It’s important to be aware of our attachment style pattern and change our behaviour from reacting to acting intentionally.
Understanding  our  attachment  style  and  other  people’s  pattern, especially  our  significant  others  can bring  insight  into  how  we  engage  and  resolve  conflict  in  ways  that  would  not  harm  our relationships /families  and/or  organizations.  

Primary  Attachment  Figure  (PAF) :
At  infancy,  we  learn  certain  behaviours  that  vary  based  on  our  perceived  closeness  of  our  primary attachment  figure  (PAF);  in  most  cases,  the  PAF  is  the  mum  or  milk/food-  feeding  individual.  If  the baby  perceives  the  primary  attachment  figure  (PAF)  as  close  by,  they  feel  relaxed,  loved,  and secure.    However, if  the  baby  perceives  the  PAF as  absent  or  not  close  by;  they  will  become  anxious  and  use behaviour  tantrums  to  encourage  proximity  (crying,  screaming,  reaching  out,  holding  on  or clinging  on  etc.)  Then,  depending  on  the  type  of  response  they  receive  from  their  PAF,  they  may  fall into  one  or  a  mixture  of  three  attachment  style:  secure,  anxious-resistant,  and  avoidant.
According  to  attachment  theory,  how  babies  responded  when  PAF  left  and  returned  to  them determined  their  attachment  style;  Adults  often  keep  the  attachment  style  pattern  they  adopted as  babies.

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Let’s start this session by briefly highlighting the characteristics of an assertive person. 

An assertive person:  
1.Relates meaningfully with other people  

2.Has a sense of worth and believes in his/her right to enjoy life whilst according the same to the next person.   

3.Freely, firmly & empathetically express themselves without trampling on others & therefore does not harbour resentment, bitterness, desire to revenge or gossip. 

  4.Respects his/her own personal space, is also mindful of the fact that the same is necessary for other people.

5.  Aims for a win-win situation in relations with others whether at work/business, home and other walks of life.                                           

BENEFITS OF BEING ASSERTIVE 

 Helps you to GROW as a person because of self-understanding and self-acceptance you have the ability to set own goals and be able to pursue them.  
You do not have to explain yourself to people all the time. 
 Helps others to understand who you really are kagore ga o iphitlhe ka monwana: nyaa ke nyaa, ee ke ee (No is no and your yes is yes yo o sa patlelediweng). 
You don’t hide your feelings for the sake of people to make them feel better; mme wena oswa senku moteng “don’t make yourself small so others could feel more comfortable”. 

 Being assertive removes stereotypes, assumptions and confusion (what people see/hear is what they get, no hidden agendas, ga o noga ya ntlha-pedi (Saying Yes/No).  

It helps you to appreciate yourself   Responsibility for your actions ; Ability to resist peer pressure  

 Do these apply to you?  
Do you see yourself anywhere in these ?

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How  we  represent  ourselves  silently  talk’s  volumes.  We  maybe  talented,  intelligent  and  capable,  but our  image  may  get  in  our  way  of  being  recognised  or  being  part  of  an  organization  we  wish  you  could be  working  for  or  be  associated  with.  

Image  is  everything.  You  can  be  dismissed  and  overlooked  just because  of  image  despite  your  inner  greatness.  Have  the  consciousness  and  mindfulness  of  who  you are  and  what  you  represent. 

 Personal  Image In  Business  image  is  everything Body  image  forms  part  of  personal  image,  it’s  important  to  have  the  right  look  that  represents  who and  what  you  stand  for  as  a  business  owner. Body  image  is  part  of  the  non-verbal  communication. 
 You  can  communicate  volumes  through  your body  image  without  even  uttering  a  word;  either  in  a  positive  or  negative  way  that  may  improve  or harm  your  chances  and  your  opportunities.  
 Remember  that  when  you  look  good  you  feel  good  even  though  some  people  say  when  they  feel good then  they  look  good.  Looking  good  has  a  way  of  boosting  one’s  confidence.   In  being  successful,  image  is  everything.  You  ought  to  have  the  right  image  for  people  to  take  you seriously.  Have  the  right  look  that  says  you know  what you  are  about,  you  know  your  area  and  you can  offer.   Cultivate  the  image  or  look  that  shows  that  you  understand  yourself  and you  mean  business,  prepare well  and  empower  yourself  to  know  more.  Do  research  because  having  the  look  without  having  the content  of  your  field  can work  against  you;  “you  become  an  empty  shell”  –  I  have  heard  people  say “He/She  looks  the  part  but  he/she  ain’t  it” 

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1.0 Communication is a transaction, we exchange ideas and emotions. How we were brought up may have influenced our transactional style and usually shows up during conflict and affects how we tend to resolve conflicts in our relationships. There are three ego states people often function from:
#Parent ego state
#child ego state  
#adult ego state

Take a listen  🎶 and figure out which style you tend to operate from the most.

Transactional  Analysis  (TA)  is  a  personality  theory  which  helps  us  to  better  understand  personalities and  behaviours,  in  a  nutshell  it  enables  us  to  understand  who  we  are,  how  we  communicate,  what may  have  shaped  us  to  be  that  way  and  understand  the  people  we  live  and  work  with;  their personalities  and  behaviours,  we  actually  get  to  understand  the  psychological  make-up  of  people. 

 Through TA re lebelela: Maikutlo, Boitsholo, Ditiro, Mekgwa,go  bua  (Attitudes,  feelings  &  behaviour), understanding  this  helps  us  to  be  aware  of  our  communication  &  whether  or  not  we  are  assertive. TA  e re  thusa  go  tlhaloganya  batho  botoka. 

The first  five  years  of our  lives  are  critical:  what  we experience  and  observe  as children  forms  our  belief  systems. 

When shouted  at and  scolded  as  a  child  how  did  you  react? Did  you  cry  or  shout  back?
 Now today  as an  adult  when things  don’t  go  your  way  do  you  find  yourself  shouting  back or crying/sulking?

 2.0  Communication  and  Transactional  Analysis :
Transaction  is  not  only  common  in  finances,  communication  involves  an  exchange,  engagement between  people;  it’s  a  give  and  take  which  requires  skills.  We  communicate  in  different  states;
  EGO STATES.  Eric  Berne    (1961, 1968,  1971)  talks  of  transactional  analysis  and  many  other  authors. 
#How  do  you  transact  (rhetoric  questions)  O  abelana  jang  megopolo,  o  hetolana/buisana  jang  le  ba bangwe?   

#Do you take  time  to pause,  reflect  &  analyse  your  communication? 

#Do you take  time  to think  before  you  utter  a word?.

 2.1 As alluded to earlier, there are  three  (3)  Ego states  we  find  ourselves  communicating  in: 

Child  Ego  –  from  remnants  of  the  past

 Parent  Ego  –  Play  out  of  old  feelings/emotions  which  were  imbibed  in  childhood  (first  5 years) 

Adult  Ego  –  based  on  reality  &  assessment  of  current  situation  that  unfolds 

# which style do you tend to use more, especially  when you are upset?
Do you shout at people, your partner etc?

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Anger is a normal natural emotion and serves a purpose when appropriately  used e.g  in a fight or flight/flee mode of response to danger. But its often how it is inappropriately  used towards others in a destructive way and in the behaviour that is portrayed when people are angry which often is viewed as wrong. 
Even then, it's the actions taken when angry that maybe wrong, not the anger itself. 
Anger is mostly a secondary emotion, e.g  we become angry when we are having a primary emotion such as rejection, fear, shame, anxiety or sadness.
Its important to have an awareness of how you behave and how you treat others when you are angry.  Usually  it's our perceptions of an event/incident that influences our emotions. Our thoughts influence our perception , our perceptions influence our emotions and eventually our behaviour: 
" As a man thinketh in his heart so is he". 

 Nobody has power over your emotions and thoughts and behaviour  except yourself. 
Nobody makes you angry, Your thoughts cause your anger not the other person. 

But is your anger helping you?
How has it worked out for you so far?

#Remember : Listening to the other person to get their perspective may help reduce and prevent unnecessary feelings of anger.

 Moreover, becoming angry over things you have no control over, is a waste of energy  and time. Let's use appropriate  anger management strategies to  address anger.

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There are different behaviour patterns people function from in dealing with other  people. Our behaviours may fall into the PAA  ( Passive, Aggressive or Assertive ) patterns. 

It's important to be aware of the traits of each and try   to be more skewed  to being Assertive than being Aggressive or Passive.    An Assertive person has awareness of self and awareness of others and therefore treat others in a non hurtful ways. Assertive people are  aware  of their emotions and emotions of others, but Aggressiveness present itself in a more self-centerednes  with very little care about the feelings of other people, whilst passiveness predisposes people to being abused as one does not effectively stand for their needs, wants  or rights and have limited emotional self expression as they  function more  from submissiveness/ passiveness  and hence they do not effectively express their emotions. Passive people tend to allow people to walk all over them, this can be unhealthy as they internally build  resentment, harbour  unexpressed anger and bitterness etc.

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"Everyday is a New Beginning "

There are 4 different social styles of interaction.   People often operate from different styles in their way of thinking, communication and behaviour . These could be from Drivers, Analysts,  Exppressives or Supporters/Amiable. The characteristics of each of these differ and can influence how people perceive us and experience us, and hence  not being aware of our own styles and styles of  those we live and work with can create conflict. Being aware of the pattern that you tend to use is important. The idea is to try  to be balanced. Its essential to be mindful and /or aware of the styles you tend to prodominantly use.  None of these is bad on its own, jus  striking a balance is crucial. 

 We talk here of patterns of behaviour,  we are not labelling people or stigmatising anyone.
We hope this information  will help in facilitating introspection and creating an awareness  rather than use it to try and  diagnose and label other people. 

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"Everyday is a New Beginning "

Communication skills are critical in conveying information.  How we communicate with others can enhance or damage  our relationships at work, in our homes , wider communities,  in our nation and in various areas of our life. Listening and assertiveness are part of communication .
It's essential to have an awareness  of how we communicate, are we conveying the right message?  is it packaged effectively? , how will it be received? Are we empathetic in our communication or is our message intentionally meant to hurt, provoke and cause conflict?,  
if the same thing were to  be said to us will we be okay with it. "Do unto others as you will have them do unto you".

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"Everyday is a New Beginning "

Our different personality traits influence our interactions with others. Expressives are more vocal whilst supporters are more on the submissive side and more concerned about not hurting other people.
Where do you think you fall?

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"Everyday is a New Beginning "