New Beginnings CounsellingBW

 Unemployment has become a global challenge to governments the world over; both in the first world and in developing countries. Before COVID-19 hit the world, in Botswana young people were trying to be innovative in creating employment for themselves. The government of Botswana even had financial assistance programmes to support the youth through initiatives such as Youth Development Fund - YDF (Botshelo, T. 2018). 

The impact of COVID-19 cannot be under emphasized: the world stood still, the corporate world saw lock-downs, restricted movements, social-distancing, face-masking and the need for employees to work from homes with efforts to reduce the spread. “Big Tech” saw an increase in the mode of communication between employees, supervisors and customers (Wyllie, T.2020). Unfortunately those who didn’t have the ability to embrace E-business/virtual business and E-leadership strategies sadly saw their businesses collapse and small enterprises were the hardest hit. 
 Entrepreneurship is the process of starting a business or company and taking financial risks to achieve economic success by making profit out of what one has invested in to the business. Wikipedia defines Entrepreneurship as the act and art of being an entrepreneur or one who undertakes innovations and introduces new things or it can be viewed as finance and business acumen in an effort to  transform innovations into economic goods . In a nutshell if you are self-employed & producing goods, you ventured into entrepreneurship. 

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 What is a talent Plus Individual.
A talent plus person is a person who possesses a talent but is aware that his/her talent alone is not enough, therefore such a person does not only rely on the talent/gift, but incorporates other critical competencies or attributes into their pursuit of success. I have seen people with great talent who miss the point by allowing pride & fame to influence their judgement, relationships etc and allow it to escalate into arrogance because of their fame status, and end up losing it all or tarnishing their image. 
A talent plus individual is well rounded; is aware that regardless of the talent, fame & success they still need other people and the Creator. Such a person enhances themselves with competencies like determination, commitment, perseverance, vision, mission, passion, faith in Self, communication, emotional intelligence, assertiveness, initiative/innovation, etc in order to succeed or survive in life. 
There are certain things that despite our talent, if they are missing we’ll come crushing down e.g emotional self-regulation/ emotional management, financial management and people skills among others. Talent+ person is self-explanatory; in a nutshell, it refers to an individual who has talent and other skills that helps to energize the talent in order to achieve goals. 

Above all is self-awareness and awareness of others ( Emotional Intelligence competencies) because success is built through people and with people and therefore self-awareness is critical. 
Rhetorically consider these questions and introspect:
Who are You?
How do you relate with other people?
How do you communicate with people?
Do you have the awareness that other people regardless of status have feelings too?
The way you treat people, if you received similar treatment how will that be like for you?

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 Talent is that inborn skill that you possess which you can perform excellently, over and over without even trying hard. It’s the ability to perform a certain task so well that you could even do it in your sleep or with your eyes closed. Longman dictionary defines talent as “a special natural ability or skill”. Irving Berlin says “talent is only a starting point in business. You have got to keep working that talent” (Botshelo,2014). Each one of us has that certain skill which we always perform without difficulty, some people don’t even know they have it until other people start noticing it and keep on telling them how good they are at such and such a thing.
 
 Passion is a driving force which energizes your talent; it’s the internal burning desire that makes you want to get up and do something you care about, or achieve that which you are passionate about. Passion can transform you from an average to an excellent performer. It takes more than talent to create success; it takes passion. When you have passion and commitment you don’t need a complex plan, even with a simple plan you can achieve great things. Passion is more important than a plan. Having a brilliant plan is pointless if you do not have passion, because without passion you will not even carry out the plan and it will just remain a good & beautiful plan on paper. Passion creates fire, energy, a drive; it provides fuel for you to implement your plan and fulfill your vision. It gives you the oomph to become what you desire to be. Talent without passion is pointless. 

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Grief is also often referred to as bereavement. It is a natural response to loss. It’s the emotional pain we feel when we lose something or someone. Death of our loved ones is often the cause of the most intense type of grief.
However any loss can cause grief e.g: when going through divorce or relationship breakup you grief the loss of marriage/relationship, loss of health, loss of a job, Loss of financial stability, miscarriage/baby.
Retirement also has some emotional process as you grief the loss of your status/title/image/job and all these come with labels that people tend to use which equally remind us of the stressful situation/pain we find ourselves in e.g being called: a widower/divorcee/pensioner or Ex-wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/fiancée etc

 We experience grief even when we lose our favourite a pet/assets, loss of a cherished dream/vision, Loss of a friendship, Loss of safety after a trauma etc. the more tragic the death, and significant the relationship the more intense the grief and the loss becomes.

Grief is a process, its  not something you get over; but rather, something you go through, as such the only cure  to grief is to  grief and only with time  will the pain ease. When ready to talk about it find someone who could just be there for you and just listen. often people experiencing grief just need someone to listen, not advice.
It is also common for those around you not to know what to say or how to act, but no amount of "i am sorry" can take the pain away. Certain statements are to be avoided  as well, such as:

"gotla siama" ( Amme, how do you know that for sure? when? have you been in the same situation?)
"I know how you feel"                (do you really? did it happen to you?)
"its not the end of the world"  (maybe the person they lost was the world to them)
"Ke go rata ga Modimo" .... (Really?, how did you reach that conclusion?)

As well as giving false hope. Just being in the presence and listening is enough unless the person asks for advice don't volunteer to offer one.
#Remember : We each grief differently

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Since conflict is inevitable, it’s important to have strategies that could help us to positively manage it or cope. We can successfully go through conflict without allowing it to destroy us, our families, communities, organizations or our nation.
 
 There are different conflict management styles people ofte use to resolve conflict . Some styles may lead to positive outcomes, whilst others could exacerbate the conflict; therefore it’s important to have an awareness of the conflict management styles you tend to use more often and if there are helping or making things worse.
 There are 5 Conflict Management Styles (acronym = AACCC) 
 Avoiding: The person withdraws from the issue of conflict, mind their own business and pretend they don’t care or are not affected, pretend the issue doesn’t bother them, there is no engagement at all or any form of discussion. Avoidance is used and therefore it leads to: Lose-lose situation, No resolution is reached, poor relationships, needs/desires not being met, therefore Conflict may continue because people avoid/fear talking about it.
 Accommodating: Others’ needs, desires are accommodated, neglecting own needs, please others, submissive, obedient in an unhealthy way because one gives in to unreasonable demands. End Result : Lose-win situation; I lose, you win scenario, the idea is to not even try to compete; argue or convince you as I will always end up hurt, often manipulation is used.
 Competing: doing whatever it takes to win, defend our positions, take advantage of any loopholes. End Result: Win-lose situation; I win you lose at all costs, one can even change the rules in efforts to win, to destroy the opponent, embarrass, intimidate, fabricate e.g its common in  bitter divorces cases/politics etc. The idea is to take advantage of your submissiveness & accommodating tendencies,  lack of confidence & lack of resources to stand for yourself; it may intensify the existing conflict further. 
 Compromising: Willing to reciprocate, give up something to gain something, there is engagement, dialogue, both sides end up either pleased or not pleased, concessions are made. End Result: poor form of a Win-win situation, making concessions, we both lose something to gain something, we neither fully satisfied but at least we each don’t completely lose out; we end up with ownership of the outcome rather than situation favouring only one person. No one obtains what they originally wanted but a compromise  is reached (common in divorce settlements right?). 
 Collaborating: Everybody’s needs and wants are fully met in this style, addressing conflict is a team effort and yet also addresses individuals’ issues of concern as a part of a whole, because when one department/unit/individual is hurting it affects the whole organization. Uses problem solving and peaceful negotiations, “Not my way, Not your way but OUR way” therefore leads to: Win-win situation; I win you win; WE WIN., we combine our efforts, our ideas and inputs for the good of  the family, organization or our nation. This is the ideal style to use. 
 In conclusion: # Always identify what triggers the conflict. # If you can’t address it engage someone neutral to help look at the situation objectively from the outside.
Use existing psychosocial support structures e.g Botsadi, Molaodi, BNYC youth centres and if it persists seek counselling; call YOCA+ at 17270 for a toll free 24hr telephone counselling 
 Or contact those in private practice such as : New Beginnings Counselling Center Botswana www.newbeginningsbw.com 
 Tel : 3116488
  New Perspectives : Tel 3184344
 Aspire:Tel 3117384/89

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In our different  workplaces we have those occupying positions above our own, some call them bosses, others call them leaders. But not everyone in a managerial position is a leader. There are certain attributes synonymous  with  leadership which many who are organizational directors or managers may not posses; but   got promoted to portfolios of  responsibility e.g being a director, CEO etc on the basis of the many years of experience   working for an organization, or because someone established the organization themselves and despite not having the relevant leadership competencies find themselves having to run their organization. 

Some of the issues discussed herein are meant for  individuals to reflect on and assess  if one is  in fact working for /or under someone who has behaviours of an office bully or  may notice that they themselves  do in fact have  the attributes and/or depict the same behaviours to their subordinate  or even other colleagues of the same rank /level as yourself and therefore you could actually be an office bully; especially  if more than 3 of the characteristics  discussed here fits you r behaviour towards those you work with.
Are you being bullied at work by your employer?, supervisor or other colleagues?
What strategies can you deploy to address office bullying?
Are you assertive enough to speak up against office bullying without trampling on others rights,principles and views? 

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There are  multplie factors that can influence our listening 🎶👂🎧 in communication with others.  communication involves speaking, listening ,  through various modes of communication such as:
# verbal communication  
#electronic/audio/Video
#written

But  most importantly  LISTENING 🎶

Are you a good listener?
What type of words just give you red flags and makes you loose interest in listening to someone ( whether at work, in seminars, in your family or between you and your partner)?
Is it the way the person is dressed?
Is it the way they talk ( very slowly)?
Is it the topic they are presenting on ?
 
Is it physical or psychological dstractions in the environment?
Do you  willingly drift away?
Is it that you feel the topic presented is too deep for you?
Is culture influencing your ability to  listen, are there certain things you consider to be a taboo an not to be discussed ?
Is it your perceptions of other people or of certain topics?
Or is it that you just don't like the person who is speaking so you loose interest in the content presented?

The examples we give here may or may not be relevant to your situation, you may not be able to relate to them, but you may have your own issues that normally interfere with your ability to listen and many a times ANGER prevent us from listening.

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1.0 Introduction
Our conflict resolution strategies tend to be influenced by our attachment styles. Children watch the way adults work through disagreements and model those patterns of behaviour as they grow up and that influences their perception about conflict and ways of resolving it. Often people use the same strategies or try hard to do the opposite of what they grew up being exposed to.
Attachment simply refers to “lasting psychological connectedness between humans” (Bowlby, 1991; Cherry, 2019).

Scenario: “When the two of you argue, how do you react/act/ resolve the issue?” 
Her: “I think we argue healthily most of the time. But, often when we both feel attacked by the other, we have opposite reactions; I need to keep talking through it to get to a conclusion.” 
Him: “And I just need to go and be alone.” 
The bonds that children have with their caregivers influences the way in which they later address conflict. People who had secure attachments with their parents and/or caregivers are often able to work through conflict with other people and resolve it in respectful, affectionate, and loving manner. But for Children who grew up witnessing dysfunctional conflict resolution strategies, having a secure attachment with others becomes a challenge as they try to avoid making the same mistakes  as their parents.

2.0 What are attachment styles?

According to Bowlby’s Attachment Style Theory (1991), there are three attachments styles based on our attachment to our primary care givers/mum:
1. Secure,  
2. Anxious-Resistant, and  
3.  Avoidant
Recognizing pattern: It’s important to be aware of our attachment style pattern and change our behaviour from reacting to acting intentionally.
Understanding  our  attachment  style  and  other  people’s  pattern, especially  our  significant  others  can bring  insight  into  how  we  engage  and  resolve  conflict  in  ways  that  would  not  harm  our relationships /families  and/or  organizations.  

Primary  Attachment  Figure  (PAF) :
At  infancy,  we  learn  certain  behaviours  that  vary  based  on  our  perceived  closeness  of  our  primary attachment  figure  (PAF);  in  most  cases,  the  PAF  is  the  mum  or  milk/food-  feeding  individual.  If  the baby  perceives  the  primary  attachment  figure  (PAF)  as  close  by,  they  feel  relaxed,  loved,  and secure.    However, if  the  baby  perceives  the  PAF as  absent  or  not  close  by;  they  will  become  anxious  and  use behaviour  tantrums  to  encourage  proximity  (crying,  screaming,  reaching  out,  holding  on  or clinging  on  etc.)  Then,  depending  on  the  type  of  response  they  receive  from  their  PAF,  they  may  fall into  one  or  a  mixture  of  three  attachment  style:  secure,  anxious-resistant,  and  avoidant.
According  to  attachment  theory,  how  babies  responded  when  PAF  left  and  returned  to  them determined  their  attachment  style;  Adults  often  keep  the  attachment  style  pattern  they  adopted as  babies.

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Let’s start this session by briefly highlighting the characteristics of an assertive person. 

An assertive person:  
1.Relates meaningfully with other people  

2.Has a sense of worth and believes in his/her right to enjoy life whilst according the same to the next person.   

3.Freely, firmly & empathetically express themselves without trampling on others & therefore does not harbour resentment, bitterness, desire to revenge or gossip. 

  4.Respects his/her own personal space, is also mindful of the fact that the same is necessary for other people.

5.  Aims for a win-win situation in relations with others whether at work/business, home and other walks of life.                                           

BENEFITS OF BEING ASSERTIVE 

 Helps you to GROW as a person because of self-understanding and self-acceptance you have the ability to set own goals and be able to pursue them.  
You do not have to explain yourself to people all the time. 
 Helps others to understand who you really are kagore ga o iphitlhe ka monwana: nyaa ke nyaa, ee ke ee (No is no and your yes is yes yo o sa patlelediweng). 
You don’t hide your feelings for the sake of people to make them feel better; mme wena oswa senku moteng “don’t make yourself small so others could feel more comfortable”. 

 Being assertive removes stereotypes, assumptions and confusion (what people see/hear is what they get, no hidden agendas, ga o noga ya ntlha-pedi (Saying Yes/No).  

It helps you to appreciate yourself   Responsibility for your actions ; Ability to resist peer pressure  

 Do these apply to you?  
Do you see yourself anywhere in these ?

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How  we  represent  ourselves  silently  talk’s  volumes.  We  maybe  talented,  intelligent  and  capable,  but our  image  may  get  in  our  way  of  being  recognised  or  being  part  of  an  organization  we  wish  you  could be  working  for  or  be  associated  with.  

Image  is  everything.  You  can  be  dismissed  and  overlooked  just because  of  image  despite  your  inner  greatness.  Have  the  consciousness  and  mindfulness  of  who  you are  and  what  you  represent. 

 Personal  Image In  Business  image  is  everything Body  image  forms  part  of  personal  image,  it’s  important  to  have  the  right  look  that  represents  who and  what  you  stand  for  as  a  business  owner. Body  image  is  part  of  the  non-verbal  communication. 
 You  can  communicate  volumes  through  your body  image  without  even  uttering  a  word;  either  in  a  positive  or  negative  way  that  may  improve  or harm  your  chances  and  your  opportunities.  
 Remember  that  when  you  look  good  you  feel  good  even  though  some  people  say  when  they  feel good then  they  look  good.  Looking  good  has  a  way  of  boosting  one’s  confidence.   In  being  successful,  image  is  everything.  You  ought  to  have  the  right  image  for  people  to  take  you seriously.  Have  the  right  look  that  says  you know  what you  are  about,  you  know  your  area  and  you can  offer.   Cultivate  the  image  or  look  that  shows  that  you  understand  yourself  and you  mean  business,  prepare well  and  empower  yourself  to  know  more.  Do  research  because  having  the  look  without  having  the content  of  your  field  can work  against  you;  “you  become  an  empty  shell”  –  I  have  heard  people  say “He/She  looks  the  part  but  he/she  ain’t  it” 

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