A Starbucks barista writes “Expelliarmus” on Harry’s latte cup. All the good guys meet up at the least obvious meeting place in the wizarding world: The Burrow. Our boy Mundungus has his priorities straight. And is Voldemort strong enough to beat Goku? Find out next week...

Voldemort rents out a room in the Malfoy estate via Airbnb and uses all their olive oil? But he really knows how to cook a teacher. Then we tearfully conclude our very last Dursley Watch! Will Aunt Petunia ever reveal her shadowy past? Did Vernon remember to pack his most lethal drill for protection? Is it possible that the prophecy was actually referring to Big D?

We take a moment to honor the REAL heroes: Luna & Neville. Snape tricks Hermoine — the smartest person in the universe — with a fake mustache. Then we reflect on how dope Book 6 is, and make some predictions for Book 7. Is Ron himself the Gryffindor Horcrux?!

Buckbeak returns in this otherwise uneventful section.

Our friend Kate Dries joins us again to close the snog loop! We walk in on a weeping Draco and, in an effort to console him, slash him into stew meat. Our Grandpa drinks a yucky juice and begs us to kill him. But most important of all: is Ginny a virgin when she starts dating Harry? …??? …?!?!

Draco gentrifies the Room of Requirement. Tonks gives a cry for help via a cryptic Spotify playlist. Harry is up all night to get lucky. Why does Voldemort want to live that long? Is he breeding tortoises? And we have a few not-terrible and definitely-good thoughts on what the remaining Horcruxes might be...

Ron eats a pack of Choco-Cauldrons and wakes up in a corn field. Josh thinks Snape might be the Half-Blood Prince, or a Fifth-Blood Duke at the least. Life at Hogwarts means bumping up against McMotherfuckers, and this one’s ruining our Quidditch. Voldemort has red eyes, like in those memes.

We’re joined by our good friend: writer & editor extraordinaire and former Guy Friends Podcast co-host Kate Dries! Finally deep in the snogodrome, we consider our favorite teens’ fuckability on a teen by teen basis. Luna Lovegood is Etsy famous. And Slughorn accidentally gives Dumbledore an old taped episode of Frasier instead of a memory.

Lavender Brown wins Pantone's Color of the Year. Ron definitely deserves to be Keeper, because he’s so great at it. Katie Bell touches a necklace so expensive that even just grazing it ruins her credit score. Draco gets Harry so mad that steam whistles out of his ears. Dumbledore is a terrible babysitter.

Finally the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Snape pulls up a chair and sits on it backwards to tell it like it really is. The Half-Blood Prince was a big fan of glitter gel pens. And we take a leisurely jaunt to meet the Gaunts, relying heavily on Google Translate for the Parselmouth parts.