Despite everyone’s warnings, Sirius starts a dog Instagram account featuring himself. Percy hopes to civilize Harry in an explainy letter, accidentally inventing Twitter threads in the process. McGonagall kills Umbridge with a naginata. At the Hog’s Head, Mummy Billy Joel has us feelin’ alright.

Our friend, venerable Potter scholar, and senior Jezebel writer Madeleine Davies joins us again for another stacked ep! Is Ron the loose cannon cop with nothing left to lose that Hogwarts needs? Is Luna Lovegood’s dad actually Elvis in hiding?? Is Professor Umbridge an amalgam of all the scariest Twilight Zone episodes??? Tune in!

We get an in-depth look at the Black family blood map, known in some cultures as a “family tree.” Harry waits in line for 5 hours at the wizard DMV. And critics are raving about Albus Dumbledore’s reimagining of Henry Drummond in “Inherit the Wind.”

New book, new look. Harry starts smoking Pall Malls and listening to The Doors. Mr. Tibbins can snap a man’s neck with his tail. We examine Aunt Petunia with new eyes, and consider just how deep this rabbit hole goes... A house is racist.

We finally uncover the mystery, if you can call it that. Sirius can’t help himself and starts licking children’s open wounds in the hospital wing. And we consider Rita Skeeter’s steady diet of aphids. Would Professor Sprout have thanked her for her services?

Some cool stuff happens in a nice graveyard, and no one gets hurt. The New Wizards have PhDs in magic linguistics now, I guess. And we consider whether Voldemort would have turned out this evil if people were more accepting of his cosplay. He learned to sew for this!

We binge on three episodes of Law & Order: Muggle Victims Unit, featuring a cameo by David Schwimmer. Fred and George are good boys who would never do a crime. And when Dumbledore invited the Sphinx to “speak at a conference,” do you think he mentioned the maze like at all?

The second task is complete, but no one seems bothered that Dumbledore and the merfolk chieftain are clearly sleeping together. Josh goes deep on some Crouch theorems, and debunks some of the lies in the mainstream media. A child is mailed death threats with biohazardous contaminants in a school cafeteria.

Is Ludo Bagman wearing a wire during his meeting with the Goblin Mafia? We take a terrible look at the mind-rending anxieties around school dances. Has Ron hit rock bottom? Will Hermoine kill and eat a house elf now that she’s cool?

We consider how a Ron-less Harry deals with being the most love-hated child on Earth… again. Is Rita Skeeter’s handbag real, or a knockoff? And we discuss how we would have completed the first task. Is bonking still on the menu?