We're making a demand here, folks: Hagrid must fuck. We discuss Mad-Eye's methods, and that awesome class scene, including Neville’s freak-out. And can institutional slavery stand up to Hermoine's bake sale?

The new wizards quaff deeply from the goblet with a big chunk of action-packed reading. We consider the first chapter’s creepy departure from the HP formula, see the Ministry in action, and then go really deep on language theory? Bear with us here.

In discussing timeturners, we come even closer to making the entire podcast about the 2004 indie thriller “Primer.” We take a close look at how Dumbledore acts when shit’s going down, consider why Snape is such an emo wreck, and wonder: what would Josh and Aaron’s Marauder names be?

Join us for part two of our chat with Maddie. We’ll get into the Marauders of old, Snape’s whole deal, and most importantly: is Ron… actually lame???

We’re joined by our friend, Dungeons & Dragons squadmate, and senior Jezebel editor Madeleine Davies in this two-part episode! We touch on her history with the books, the world of HP fan fiction as it first developed, and solid evidence of some bad Gryffindors.

A knife-wielding lunatic is busting into our bedrooms, but all the teachers are sleeping face emoji. Secrets are kept, then not kept. Scabbers… dies??? The Marauder’s Map makes its first appearance, and the dot representing Josh can be seen losing its mind.

The wizards have made it to the third (and most beloved?) book, and they’re already on a tear. Harry gets roasted. Percy gets roasted. Neville gets roasted. Some innocent Muggles got roasted. Is no one safe?

The wizards spelunk into the titular chamber, and reflect on this fearsome and satisfying book as a whole. Under the crunchy shell of this extremely metal ending lies the sweet, chewy nougat of some interesting character development. Snake guts, too.

SPOILER ALERT: Josh spoils himself (...?) about the book’s ending. The wizards parcel out some Parseltongue takes, explore just how badly Hagrid deserves to be fired, and most importantly, discuss the noble savagery of the Weasley car.

The wizards are joined by noted ~dark fiction~ writer and close personal friend Mel Kassel (@melkassel) to discuss the first part of book two! We touch upon wizard inequality, wizard racism, magical hominids of all kinds, and everyone’s wizard bae Gilderoy Lockhart.