Molly Weasley is so shook… she’s wobblin’. We reunite with Phlegm, and are nice to her :) Professor Binns is established as Fuck Neutral. The US Treasury asks Fred & George for a loan. Draco Malfoy does a Front Foot Impossible into a Japan Air, and lands a 5-0 Grind on Harry’s dick.

Aaron Sorkin guest directs our introduction to the other minister. Snape puts a hex on Narcissa after she sets her glass down on his teak coffee table without a coaster. We meet Slughorn and immediately get an invite to connect with him on LinkedIn. Uncle Vernon and Dumbledore kiss.

We take a brief pause from our journey through the books to respond to all your letters, which have completely clogged up our chimney at this point. We talk wizard psychology! We go deeper on Queerius! We consider the characters as dogs! It’s about damn time.

Book Five is finally done after almost three months — that’s roughly the gestation period for leopards. We’re leopard dads from this book alone! We get to see what it’s like when two REAL wizards get to dueling, and it turns out it's set to “Spybreak!” by the Propellerheads. We go insanely deep on the prophecy, then break into the Finnegan household.

Uber, but for thestrals.  Neville combines gunplay, martial arts, and rapid trigonometry in Equilibrium (2002, dir. Kurt Wimmer). A man gets a baby’s head, and becomes a popular YouTuber. Sirius dies, but comes back as a snowman in Jack Frost (1998, dir. Troy Miller).

Professor McGonagall stars in the reboot of “Kill Bill,” and it’s good this time. Ron somehow eats his Number 2 pencil in the middle of taking the OWLs. Harry has a fucked up dream in which Natalie Portman dies while giving birth to twins? Hagrid has an idea so smart that it almost gets two of his students murdered, twice.

Firenze fucks an astrolabe in class. Dumbledore disappears without responding to Professor Flitwick’s Venmo request. Harry visits Snape’s worst memory and sees his dad drink a gallon of milk as fast as he can as some kind of challenge? Fred and George leave some Fred and George-shaped holes in our hearts <3

Snape is Morpheus, but reverse, in every way. While on a date in Hogsmeade, Harry claims to have forgotten his wallet, then goes on a rant about why tipping is for Muggles. Hermoine invents clickbait. An argument with Umbridge makes the faculty a little horse ;o)

We open with a simple prayer to St. Mungo. Hagrid starts up a stoner-doom band named Olympe’s Wrath. Good kiss wet; Harry likey. The titty snake is back, and has its own appetite for bodily fluids >:)~ We jack into the PortraitNet, discover it’s basically LinkedIn, and now we can’t unsubscribe from the emails.

Umbridge jacks into the Floo Network mainframe and wipes all of Sirius’ ports. GAME OVER. We get our first look at the Room of Requirement and ask, “How can this technology best be used for going number twosies?” Ron gets owned so hard it breaks the fabric of space and time.