A blistering takedown of Gen Alpha's iPad-powered childhood where toddlers know Alexa before mama, Silicon Valley oligarchs hoard their own kids from screens, and we're creating digital demigods with the social skills of constipated honey badgers.

Hits the parental guilt nerve we all share. Tech execs keeping their kids screen-free while hooking ours on digital crack? Classic! We know screens are our electronic nannies, but instead of teaching values, they're turning Junior into a glassy-eyed zombie who can swipe before walking. Parents will either nod guiltily or angrily defend themselves—on the very devices their kids are begging to have back.

A scorching take on America's political divide where election night feels like two septuagenarians fighting over the last Ensure while the world watches our national ball sack hang out of our collective Dockers.

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Why are we like this? Because outrage is easier than nuance and hatred's way more profitable than harmony. We've built a system where being wrong loudly pays better than being right quietly. Our democracy's become a reality show where the prize is feeling superior while Rome burns. We don't want presidents—we want team captains who'll validate our prejudices while we scroll ourselves into oblivion. And the networks? They're just selling tickets to the freak show.

Tech's most ridiculous social hierarchy exposed! Khayyam skewers the absurd iPhone vs Android bubble war where digital peasants face rejection from blue bubble aristocrats. A scorching takedown of how Apple weaponized texting into a dating dealbreaker and status symbol.

Five-pepper heat because I'm torching society's digital elitism like a flamethrower at a phone convention. The F-bombs aren't just for shock—they're linguistic IEDs in our collective tech delusion. My analogies aren't just colorful; they're technicolor acid trips through America's stupidest status symbol. Warning: may cause iPhone users to clutch their $1200 pearls while secretly questioning their life choices.