Non-Stop Comic Shop

(Please be advised: This is part 1 of a two-parter)

For your epic double-length 23rd visit to the Non-Stop Comic Shop, we roll out our long-awaited reviews of two very different Avengers movies. First up, it's Ultimate Avengers: the Movie from 2006. While it failed to both properly adapt the famed Ultimates comic arc and launch a pre-MCU connected cinematic universe, it almost made up for it with goofy walking cycles, sultry pep talks, adorable goth metal couples, lazy alien Nazis, and unforgivable spelling errors. After the break, the boys and long-time friend Carly assemble to report on Avengers: Infinity War, the MCU movie that you only need to see about 15 of the previous 18 MCU movies in order to understand. So join us as we ask the tough questions like: Why does the opening remind us of that really old movie, Alien 3? Why does Science Bros + Magic Bros = Sherlock Bros? Why are all of our Facebook friends brushing up on Malthusian economics? Why does Brendan keep calling the villain “Thanatos”? Why is Shuri the undisputed expert on multi-modal reflection sorting? Why is Gamora? And why WAS Gamora? #Excelsiot

In the year 20XX, the 22nd episode of the Non-Stop Comic Shop was recorded. Cyber-psychos Brendan and Jordan reviewed sim-sense stories about both DC and Marvel's flagship futurists! First, the boys intended to only review “Rebirth”, the two-part pilot of Batman Beyond, but pretty much ended up spoiling the entire series. Then, in Spider-Man 2099 Vol. 2 #9-10, it's a three-way battle between Peter David-penned future people: Miguel “S-Man” O'Hara, Dr. Midriff, and Santa Hulk! In the grim darkness of the far future, there is only Victorian clothing. Also adorable golf karts. And radioactive CEO skeletons. And murderous Sulu. And a street gang that's clearly seen Akira. And at least a couple of Bruce Wayne's bastard children. And women with fluorescent pixie haircuts. And Scanners dying ironically. And easy-to-draw time machines, you know what, there are a lot of things! Bonus: the second trailer for the Venom movie is out, and Venom might actually be in it! #ISleptTooLong

On an especially crude 21st episode of the Non-Stop Comic Shop, Jordan first sets the record straight about the “Witched Road” debacle from last time, then reviews two comics all about everyone's favorite evil oil company, Roxxon! First up in Marvel Two-in-One #73, the only other Marvel character named Xavier leads a Roxxon project to drill for oil in a parallel dimension, which would be heralded as a shrewd NIMBY idea if not for their enslavement of the local cavemen, leading to a revolt headed by the Stone Age Gamer logo. After the break, it's finally time for Ka-Zar: the Burning Season, Paul Jenkins' mind-numbingly dull take on the politics of the Savage Land (AKA Pangea, AKA crappy Wakanda). It's a country of orcs, centaurs, unfortunately named bird-people and whiny electric ghosts; and where Roxxon's latest evil scheme is thwarted by the real heroes: FDA regulations! Plus, we've also got the unwelcome return of the man who came from Uranus, incomplete Titanic reference trilogies, morbid Twitter polls, and Jordan's fantastic fake snoring skills! #NotThatRalphMacchio

On the 20th episode of the Non-Stop Comic Shop, us two boyos and one girlo welcome you to our belated St. Patrick's Day celebration! Our centerpiece is Scarlet Witch: Witches' Road, written by James “Let's kill Roy Harper's daughter” Robinson and drawn by the late great Steve “Everyone's a demonic ventriloquist's dummy” Dillon, where the moral of the story is: “If you're an Irish super-villain, you really have to bust your ass to get people to hate you”! Then after the break, Jordan tips the scales of Geekade's Great Jessica Jones Split of 2018, since he was greatly entertained by our heroine's second season travails against Doctor California and Darth Mom. By the end of the day, Wanda's convoluted parentage will be untangled, ex-girlfriends will be invoked, live children-to-dead children ratios will be calculated, Barney will be magical, aquariums will be cheaply flooded, Trish Walker's cray cray will be wanted, and Jordan will enjoy stupid mid-2000's nut commercials way too much! #ThanksKittyAIDS

On the 19th episode of the Non-Stop Comic Shop, Jordan takes a look at times when the big two comic companies brought out mythological immortal warrior women to teach us all the wrong lessons about feminism. First up in Avengers #83, Thor Ragnarok's own Valkyrie, in her first ever comic book appearance (ASTERIX), expends very little effort to convince most of Marvel's super-heroines to violently overthrow their distaff male counterparts. Then, in "Fury", a crappy episode from the crappy first season of the Justice League, one of Wonder Woman's adoptive Amazonian sisters is out to kill every man in Man's World by apparently making them allergic to their own junk. With special guest appearances by: Dr. Steve Irwin, real world superhero parade magnate Tom Fagan, a mutant who's never in any of the X-Men books, Not-Katana, Y the Last Batman, a fun fact about reptilian anatomy, and Grace Lee from ramen-pirate.tumblr.com & gangshiartist.tumblr.com. #ToTheVisibleJet

For your 18th visit to the Non-Stop Comic Shop, it's our slightly belated T'Challa-Palooza! In the first half, Jordan reviews Fantastic Four #119, where half of the team invade the apartheid state of Jungle Book Guy-Land, and T'Challa learns that he can't change his spots! Plus, you'll meet Reed Richards' badly named maid robot, and enjoy a brief trip to Nelson Mandela's Pants Dimension! Then after the break, we two colonizers try not to take too much “black joy” during our review of the Black Panther movie. Starring: Wig-Hawking Michonne, Potential Future Sequel Villainess, Daniel Booze Mnemonic, the Last King of Scotland, Gorilla-Themed Arsenio Hall, CGI Rhinos Not Affliated with Paul Giamatti, Another Former Human Torch, Stan Lee's Second Most Awkward Cameo, and the Tolkien White Guys! #Hairdouken

For your 17th visit to the Non-Stop Comic Shop, the boys conclude the retrospective begun last episode, counting down the top ten worst comics Jordan reviewed for his previous podcast. Why do Sam Wilson, Carol Danvers and Hank Pym compose the Avengers' Character Assassinations Assemble Trilogy? And why is Hank the only one we haven't forgiven? What makes X-Treme X-Men the Star Wars Prequels of comics? Why is Witchblade the comic that makes you forget how comics work? What is the only comic the shop clerk tried to stop Jordan from buying? Plus: a guest appearance by Geekade oligarch Kris Randazzo, who discovers a secret origin that Jordan was not aware he had!

On tonight's milestone 16th episode of the Non-Stop Comic Shop, Jordan begins his retrospective of the 75 episodes of comic book media podcasts he made before he washed onto the shores of Geekade. And because it's still the Internet, he'll mostly be covering the 20 (well … 21) absolute worst comics he's ever reviewed. What comic has "the ending to end all endings"? Were microwave comm towers originally designed to be weapons of mass destruction? Why would Reed Richards declare you a hero if you shoved a blind person out onto a tiny ledge at the top of a skyscraper? Why do we consider NYX: Wannabe Marvel's equivalent to Red Hood & the Outlaws? Who is Fred Silverman and why should you feel sorry for him? All this and more, especially when we hit the second half of the list next episode!

Welcome to your fifteenth visit to the Non-Stop Comic Shop. And lo, there came a day unlike any other, when Jordan read two mini-series in a row that happened to have the same word in the title and declared “Yep, that'll be an episode”! First up is the Lethal Foes of Spider-Man (not to be confused with the Deadly, Fatal, Unhealthy or Deleterious Foes), an entertaining yet bloated scrum of a story where six bad guys too many fight over a pulse rifle from Aliens. Next up is Fantastic Four: Foes, written by Robert “The Talking Dead” Kirkman, proving once again that he's quite good at writing snappy engaging dialogue and a bit lacking at writing anything else, and featuring embarrassingly lazy copy-and-paste artwork from someone who strangely isn't Greg Land. Starring special guest villains: Sexy Iron Man, Jurassic Park Cash-in Man, Whatever Power He Needs Right Now Man, Cyborg Dead Husband Man, Nazi Made of Bees Man, the Iconoclast, and Madame Butterface! #DollarSignPercentageAmpersandPercentage

For your fourteenth visit to the Non-Stop Comic Shop, we've dedicated a show to some of the lil'est costumed vigilantes around. In Power Pack #1, Captain Brony and Tony Stark's robot girlfriend bestow awesome powers to four prepubescent siblings shortly before Marvel's cool grandma Louise Simonson breaks one of their arms. After the break, the boys look down upon Next Avengers (or Avengers Next): Heroes of Tomorrow, a sweet and innocent children's movie that's half grim dark robot apocalypse and half catty 'shipping exercise. We ask the hard questions, like: Why are evil snakes with grasshopper legs Jordan's new spirit animals? Does Brendan always imagine Wolverine stabbing little girls? Why did we briefly think Black Panther had married the Flash? Aren't trophy rooms inherently illogical? And why doesn't Hank and Janet's kid have a first name?