Outer Circle Inner Stillness

It happened again. A pastor in the prime of his ministry years was caught up in sexual scandal. Pornography. Secrecy. Affairs. Multiple partners. Drama. Everything we've seen before. And it's bad; we could even say reprehensible.

How did this happen? And what does it have to do with recovery work?

Once again, addiction is not about sex, and it's not about drugs; it's about the compulsive patterns we fall into to protect ourselves from pain. It's about the relationships we form with heightened experiences and risky behaviors. It's about what we do in the present to manage pain from the past. 

No one can "just stop" an addiction because no one "just started," acting out. 

Further, there are patterns within church culture that tend to promote compulsive behavior patterns, extreme mental and emotional states, and the overall chaos that promotes acting out, secrecy, and the resulting scandals.

Can we as a church culture change? Can we grow, and heal, and set our leaders up for greater health and success?

I say, yes! Here's some ideas for how.

First, remember that all ministry people have sins and struggles, and don't be surprised about this.

Second, ministry people need a venue for confession.

Third, ministry people need adequate emotional and relational resources.

Fourth, ministry people should limit their public exposure, and take extreme measures to avoid the fame monster. Disband the mega-churches! Take down the YouTube channel! Hold restrictive office hours and spend more time writing journals and letters and praying for their people!

Fifth, remember that our identity is in Christ, not in the number of followers we have.

Sixth, every seminarian should be required to be in counseling, and to do a Full Disclosure Process.

Seventh, every pastoral figure should be required to remain in an active counseling process the duration of their public ministry.

Eighth, every pastoral figure needs a confessor.

Ninth, Pastors should be married before beginning official ministry, or remain single throughout their career, so as to avoid the situation of potentially dating someone in their care. 

Tenth, we all need to acknowledge the not-so-secret struggles of our clergy...and pray for them. 

#addiction #recovery #addictionrecovery #sobriety #sex #sexuality #compulsion #compulsivesexualbehavior #scandal #secrets #shame #ministry #church #religion #spiritualabuse #pastors #priests #confession #accountability #church

How do you recover from something you can’t quit?” Sobriety from alcohol and drugs is easy in once sense because you don’t need them to live. But what does sobriety look like from food? From sex and relationships? From money?

After 34 years of recovery from process addictions, Dr. Tracy Zemansky has discovered that successful recovery hinges on continuous self-evaluation. All of our life experiences can be seen as an ongoing feedback loop. If we pay attention to the impacts of our actions, thoughts, feelings, and relationships and how these change day to day, week to week, and year to year, we can often discover just what we need. Strict rules are not the problem, and an absence of structure is not the problem, but rigidly being either high structured or highly unstructured can lead one to extreme rhythms, which tend to put one at greater risk for relapse.

Recovery is like, “A teeter totter. There’s always going to be some shifting around to get balance. I don’t know anyone who’s always perfectly in the midde.” In this we can learn that a recovery and sobriety process can take many forms for many people, and probably should take different forms for each individual person as they move through life stages and an every shifting world.

As always, we are reminded of the vital importance of staying in community, staying active and involved caring for the body, taking some sort of regular personal inventory, and the value of, “Putting one foot in front of the other.” Dr. Tracy also reminds us to spend time with people who are at least a little further down the path than we are.

“People who are a few steps down on the path, whose lives are at least comfortable a good amount of time, if not all of the time, and who seem to be living with some degree of grace and integrity, those are the folks that give me hope. There’s people who have gone through whatever it is I’m going through, and I need to find those people.”  - Dr. Tracy.

This podcast relies on the partnership of listeners - especially with dollars! Please visit www.patreon.com/outercircle to learn how to partner with the vision of this show!

Rhys Pasimio can be found through www.patreon.com/outercircle and on instagram at @newpattrencounseling and is always happy to dialogue with listeners bringing honest questions!

Dr. Tracy Zemanski can be reached in Santa Monica, CA, and at https://www.drtracyzemansky.com/ and would also be happy to hear from you!

#recovery #recoverywork #sobriety #soberwayoflife #livesofthesober #longtermsobriety #addiction #processaddiction #community #mindfulness #sexandloveaddiction #addictionrecovery #mentalhealth #counseling #therapy #outercircleinnerstillness

“A seeker is never finished seeking.”

Welcome to another Lives of the Sober conversation! Today we meet Jim Pender, from Calgary, Alberta. Jim has been in recovery from alcohol abuse for 38 years. As he shares he story, he shares many things he’s read and written, especially around spirituality. In our conversation, we explore what spirituality is, and why it is an essential feature of a recovery process.

Along with spirituality, we also explore the role of community. Jim reflects that, “None of us do very much on our own; we don’t do a good recovery on our own.” He says of his experience of groups and community, “There’s nothing so wonderful as being understood.”

We talk about the difference between setting a daily intention for mindfulness and connectivity, and merely burdening ourselves with long to-do lists.

This podcast relies on the partnership of listeners - especially with dollars! Please visit www.patreon.com/outercircle to learn how to partner with the vision of this show!

Rhys Pasimio can be found through www.patreon.com/outercircle and on instagram at @newpattrencounseling and is always happy to dialogue with listeners bringing honest questions!

Jim Pender can be reached at [email protected] and would also be happy to hear from you!

#recovery #recoverywork #sobriety #soberwayoflife #livesofthesober #longtermsobriety #addiction #spirituality #community #mindfulness #dailyintention #addictionrecovery #mentalhealth #counseling #therapy #outercircleinnerstillness

“Recovery is an inside job.”

Welcome to a new series within the series - Lives of the Sober. In this series, I interview individuals who have achieved 25 or more years of sobriety. I ask them what they have done for nearly three decades to stay clean and sober, and live a healthy life. We talk about the daily practices, basic beliefs and assumptions, values, conflicts, and cautions. We talk about the role of community, contribution to the lives of others, and the ever present self-inventory. In all this, my hope is to help each recovery elder to articulate what for them is the Sober Way of Life.

In today’s episode, meet Paul Panza, in recovery for 25 years, from alcohol, cocaine, and anger. Note his transition from “White Knuckling” into sustainable and thriving life. Consider his self-check-in question of, “What’s going on with me right now?” And remember this that he says, “You are worth your recovery.”

On the one hand recovery is simple…but then it simply has to be practiced over time.

This podcast relies on the partnership of listeners - especially with dollars! Please visit www.patreon.com/outercircle to learn how to partner with the vision of this show!

Rhys Pasimio can be found through www.newpatterncounseling.com, and on instagram at @is always happy to dialogue with listeners bringing honest questions!

Paul Panza can be reached at [email protected] and would also be happy to hear from you!

#recovery #recoverywork #sobriety #soberwayoflife #livesofthesober #longtermsobriety #addiction #addictionrecovery #mentalhealth #counseling #therapy #outercircleinnerstillness

What is healthy sexuality? Hint - it’s not always abstinence!

Rhys approaches the conversation from the world of therapy, compulsive sexual behavior, sex/porn addiction. A major task in recovery from compulsive sexual behavior is figuring out healthy sexuality. Does this mean abstinence? Does this mean monogamy? Does this mean heteronormative sex? Or does it mean more mindfully engaging in what ever sexual behavior pattern you do?

Gregg Webb approaches the conversation from the ongoing conversation between Side A and Side B same-sex attracted Christians. In this world, we encounter individuals weighing the balance between the pull of a traditional and conservative Christian sexual ethic, more modern and liberal interpretations of the ancient texts, and the very powerful experience of being sexual beings who experience bodies, attraction, and sex in non-normative ways.

Both Rhys and Gregg also approach the question of healthy sexuality from within the Eastern Orthodox Christian tradition.

We start with the question, why on earth would anyone NOT have as much sex as they can? In this, we begin to introduce and explore some of the different factors that drive people to seek mastery over their sexual desires, and why some of these reasons are quite beautiful and important.

In this conversation, we reflect on our experiences of growing up queer in the church, surrounded by Purity Culture in its heyday, and an ancient tradition that openly celebrates monasticism and scetic labors. WE discuss the value of being strict with one’s self, but also the value of moderation and compassion towards self and others. WE talk about the importance of being present with one’s self and with others. This presence becomes impossible when given over to an obsession with satiation and gratification of sexdual desires, just as it becomes impossible when obsessed with laws, rules, and hyper and rigid control of one’s inner desires.

WE talk about abstinence and celibacy and their limits. WE talk about cautions and considerations in taking a very strict approach with one’s self. We talk about, whatever our labor is, how important it is to do it in community.

To learn how to support the podcast, please visit www.patreon.com/outercircle. Consider supporting this work with your dollars, but definitely rate, review, and share the show with a friend!

Rhys can be found at www.newpatterncounseling.com and on instagram at @newpatterncounseling

Gregg can be reached at @greggwebb on Twitter and his blog at https://eleisonblog.org/

#recovery #recoverywork #sobriety #addiction #community #orthodoxy #orthodoxchristianity #mentalhealth #therapy #counseling #outercircleinnerstillness #greggwebb #healthysexuality #sexuality #sideAsideB #samesexattraction #gay #queer #sexuality #sexualorientation #sexualsobriety #compulsivesexualbehavior #abstinence #celibacy

In recovery work, we often hear this idea of the Accountability Partner, and we generally hear it’s a good idea to have this person in our lives.

But what is an Accountability Partner? Who should this person be(or not be)? What should they do or not do? And if you are seeking the accountability, what is your responsibility in the relationship?

All of this conversation demands that we first define what accountability is in the first place! Is it just a check in? A report of bad behavior? Is it more like the sacrament of confession? Or is it more like peer counseling and emotional support?

We talk about recovery in a general sense, but also talk about recovery from compulsive pornography use, which leads us on a lively discussion around the role of accountability/reporting software in an accountability plan.

Dan Stephens and Orlando Rivera join Rhys for a roundtable discussion on what accountability is and is not, and who makes the ideal accountability partner. We talk about transparency, honesty, and taking responsibility for one’s self. We talk about confession, and community, and how we need each other to succeed in any meaningful way.

We talk about how we need to connect with each other, not just in crisis, but sometimes just because we want to be together. We must do this to normalize being open and connected, which leads to normalizing that we also talk about difficult things with each other.

We leave the listener with a teaser - we hinted at the vitality of relationship repair and conflict resolution in sobriety. We’ll come back to this topic more…sometime soon.

To learn how to support the podcast, please visit www.patreon.com/outercircle. Consider supporting this work with your dollars, but definitely rate, review, and share the show with a friend!

Rhys can be found at www.newpatterncounseling.com and on instagram at @newpatterncounseling

Dan can be found at [email protected]

Orlando can be found at [email protected]

The books Orlando mentioned are these…

https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Health-Drug-Alcohol-Treatment/dp/0826120156

https://www.amazon.com/Sexual-Health-Recovery-Professional-Counselors/dp/0826120172

#recovery #recoverywork #sobriety #addiction #accountability #accountabilitypartner #confession #community #orthodoxy #orthodoxchristianity #mentalhealth #therapy #counseling #outercircleinnerstillness #12steps #mentoring #sponsor #peersupport

When is acceptance a strength, and when is it merely deferment as a version of avoidance?

Acceptance is a complex concept that often gets casually thrown around in recovery circles. Many of us memorize the Serenity Prayer early on in our process, and this drills into our minds the idea of “Accepting the things we cannot change.”

This conversation brings up questions like, What is and is not my responsibility to change or take on? What am I reasonably expected to just tolerate?  When is discomfort(or even suffering) a mechanism of my growth and healing, and when is it destructive? Is it more important to change the internal or external environment? What is the value(or usefulness) of struggle and suffering in our sobriety journeys and overall growth?

What is the cost of non-acceptance? When do we accept, or tolerate, or work to change our situations? What is our tolerance for misery?

Rhys and special guest Jeremy Jones tackle a more philosophical concept, and look for the practical applications.

We talk about how change is difficult. But then again, not-change is also difficult.

Pain and suffering can be grouped as shades of discomfort. We talk about seeking pleasure and ease versus seeking health and connection.

In addressing the pain, we raise questions like, “Are we more interested in process or outcome?” Are we thinking, “I just want to be happy and sober,” or “I want to be a holy and virtuous person”?

We discuss how there is an unhealthy way of acceptance that is more like giving up and taking a passive approach to life, that can also be done as a means of self-punishment, or an expression of low self-worth. But we also talk about a healthy acceptance that is an embracing of reality. We value striving to be actively present. Embracing what is without judgment. Sometimes that IS needs to stay the same, and sometimes it needs to change. In either case, though, another thing that IS is the deep well of strength that exists within each human being.

We talked about how, even when a situation seems unchangeable, to still look for what choice there is.

Jeremy introduced the practice Death Meditations, which are meant to help us offer open-hearted curiosity towards that most unchangeable reality that every human faces…that someday we all die.

Rhys thinks that external change matters more in early stages of healing/recovery, and uses analogy of injured or new tree being offered a fence while it grows. He references the tree “firmly planted by living water.” Having a healthy environment early on is helpful so one does  not become overwhelmed. So things like new living situation, new job, new relationships, makes more sense here.

At some point though, the healing organism develops its own strength, and can withstand greater forces. At some point the tree that would have been destroyed by storm wind is actually strengthened by it. At some point, the growing person becomes able to use adversity for their own character growth/spiritual growth, etc.

Jeremy closes this episode with a beautiful mindfulness exercise.

To learn how to support the podcast, please visit www.patreon.com/outercircle. Consider supporting this work with your dollars, but definitely rate, review, and share the show with a friend!

Rhys can be found at www.newpatterncounseling.com and on instagram at @newpatterncounseling

Jeremy can be found at www.thinkingaboutthoughtscounseling.com

We’d love to hear from you!

#recovery #recoverywork #sobriety #addiction #acceptance #serenityprayer #existential #deathanxiety #orthodoxy #orthodoxchristianity #mentalhealth #therapy #counseling #outercircleinnerstillness #newpatterncounseling #thinkingaboutthoughts

In this episode, I conclude a mini-series asking the questions, How does one measure progress in recovery? How does one tell if they are growing in sobriety work?

My take is that there are a few specific measurement rubrics, but the truly good indications that actual growth is happening become more and more elusive as the growth goes more and more internal. Once again, sobriety, like its counter part spiritual growth, is not a behavior change, nor a short-term intervention. It is a whole person transformation, a way of life, and a pursuit meant to organize your entire life span.

That said, here's a few signs that you might be making progress...

You could measure progress by...

The best software safeguards 

The most days abstinent

Being abstinent from the most things

Collecting the most new, enjoyed and healthy activities

More emotions. More emotional intelligence.

More vulnerability

More and deeper connections

Inner Calm

Healed Wounds

Lightness. Freedom. Internal Space.

Better Repentance and Humility(not self-punishment)

Repaired Relationships

Being in accord with all people, while still being true to the Good.

To learn how to support this podcast, please visit www.patreon.com/outercircle.

You can find out more about Rhys Pasimio at www.newpatterncounseling.com or on instagram at @newpatterncounseling.

#recovery #recoverywork #addictionrecovery #sobriety #drugsandalcohol #pornography #spirituality #orthodoxy #orthodoxchristianity #mindfulness #ifs #internalfamilysystems #soberwayoflife #healing #innerwork #progressnotperfection #confession #relationships #vulnerability #counseling #mentalhealth #therapy

We continue exploring this question of how to define sobriety, and progress in recovery. In particularly, we address concerns of partners watching their loved one in recovery and wondering how to tell if any progress is being made.

Ian and his wife are currently working to redefine sobriety from pornography abuse, incopororating a harm reduciton approach.

Dan is completing his CSAT credential and helping others to look for more than just behavior change as a sign of growth. From a clinical and spiritual perspective, he draws attention to the “Root desire” issue that is, “A whole lot more complicated to measure.” We collectively examine and question the traditionally strict abstinence-only models that are commonly employed.

We talk about First and Second Order Change, and how these compare to being conformed to the image of Christ. Rhys makes mention of the Orthodox Christian concept of Theosis, and the idea that the point of life is to repent and prepare for death.

We revisit the Three Circles exercise, the namesake of this show, and examine how to use this, both to define sobriety, as well as how to communicate one’s recovery progress with a partner. We discuss the Full Disclosure process, the function of it in recovery, and some considerations in choosing to undertake it or not.

Above all, we emphasize how recovery is a process, not a milestone, and sobriety is more than just stopping a behavior, but is rather a whole life transformation.

#recovery #recoverywork #sobriety #addiction #accountability #relationship #marriage #community #orthodoxy #orthodoxchristianity #ifs #internalfamilysystems #mindfulness #church #religion #shame #trauma #sex #sexuality #alcohol #cannabis #counseling #therapy #fulldisclosure #theosis

This podcast relies on the partnership of listeners - especially with dollars! Please visit www.patreon.com/outercircle to learn how to partner with the vision of this show!

Rhys Pasimio can be found through www.newpatterncounseling.com, and is always happy to dialogue with listeners bringing honest questions!

Ian Nelson can be found on Instagram at @iansonofwe (Note, in the episode, he says Iansonofnel, but he has changed his handle since the recording of this episode.)

Dan Stephens can be found at [email protected]

Here's a scenario. One partner is in active addiction. They he or she gets into recovery. But that person has a partner who's been hurt, deceived, betrayed, and really confused, and now that partner is asking...how do I know my partner is making ANY progress in sobriety at all?

For that matter, the person in recovery may be asking of themselves, “How do I know I’m getting any better?”

Rhys and Ian reflect on shared experiences of acting out, recovery, laboring for greater healing, and working to define, and sometimes re-define, what is sobriety in our individual lives.

Defining progress means first defining the problem.

We discuss the way that a person engages with a substance or behavior, whether that be alcohol, weed, porn, media in general, food, legalism, or other things. Rhys introduces the question, "What is the desired effect of [behavior of choice]?"

Rhys says, "The same substance, used for a different desired result, affects how the relationship with it is."

Most recovery programs have a foundational concept of abstinence. We discuss the "Just stop it," approach to Acting Out and whether or not it actually works. We explore more gentle and mindful approaches that tend to work better.

One problem with this approach is that people take the attitude of, "Well, as long as I just stop [this one behavior]...then I'm good," and don't pursue any further growth or change.

We rant on the limits to accountability software, and how this resource is good and fine, but an over-reliance on it can shortchange the growth process. Ian calls is a game - "Here's another fun thing to hack!" Rhys says it is, "A lazy approach to one's own soul." When it comes to establishing boundaries with the internet in support of abstaining from porn, Rhys is in favor of, "If you're gonna limit access...then REALLY limit access," up to and including removing the internet from your house.

An abstinence approach tends to invoke the "White knuckling method," which Ian describes as "Really thin protections against the deeper, weighty reasons for addiction."

Ian reflects on the interactions between emotional development and spiritual development, and how some church cultures - in their pursuit of a rigid holiness - have sometimes prevented adequate emotional development, and promoted shame. We reflect on how a more open, and compassionate approach to spiritual growth that normalizes struggle and provides easily accessible venues to openly discuss them, can save us from shame, and help us become healthier.

Predictably enough, Rhys gets on the IFS soapbox and encourages us all to consider with compassionate curiosity, all our parts...even the ones that Act Out.

When a person who is a system can realize they are a system, they can escape a multitude of confusing and chaotic experiences.

This podcast relies on the partnership of listeners - especially with dollars! Please visit www.patreon.com/outercircle to learn how to partner with the vision of this show!

Rhys Pasimio can be found through www.newpatterncounseling.com, and is always happy to dialogue with listeners bringing honest questions!

Ian Nelson can be found on Instagram at @iansonofwe (Note, in the episode, he says Iansonofnel, but he has changed his handle since the recording of this episode.)

#recovery #recoverywork #sobriety #addiction #accountability #relationship #community #orthodoxy #orthodoxchristianity #ifs #internalfamilysystems #lovingkindness #mindfulness #church #religion #shame #trauma #sex #sexuality #alcohol #cannabis #counseling #therapy