The Athletic's Adam Hurrey, Charlie Eccleshare and Nick Miller convene for this week's Adjudication Panel. On the agenda: where human civilisation can really go next after a perfect hat-trick of own goals, some very slightly overaggressive Scottish goal commentary from La Liga, Joe Cole and the genesis of the phrase "farmers league" and the latest tribute to intercontinental Premier League brand ambassador Peter Drury.

Meanwhile, the panel lament a mild outbreak of "Armbandmania" and bask in the glory of the once-in-an-era event that is Cameron Jerome, Connor Wickham and Saido Berahino all scoring on the same day.