Palm Springs Drive Church of Christ by Palm Springs Drive church of Christ Altamonte Springs Florida

June 28, 2026 The Benefits of Righteous Shame

Series: N/A

Service: Praise and Preaching Service

Type: Sermon

Speaker: Brian Messerli

Jeremiah 6:15 [In Jeremiah’s day, the people of Judah were guilty of extreme moral degeneracy. They worshipped idols, committed sexual immorality to the point where he described them as lusty horses neighing after their neighbor’s wife, they lied and cheated each other in business, they sacrificed their children by throwing them into the fire in service to their false gods, and they used God’s name as a cover for their evil, saying what they did was okay because they have God’s temple in their midst. And listen to the way Jeremiah summarizes their attitude about all of this] - Despite the incredibly shameful abominations they committed, they felt no shame about it at all. Things that would normally make a person blush didn’t even bother them.

One of my concerns about our modern American culture is that we have demonized shame. Research shows that in many cases, shame leads to serious problems like self-loathing, isolation, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, violence, and even suicide. So shame is often treated as inherently toxic, and if we really want to live happy lives, we should do what we can to eliminate our feelings of shame.

But my question is, “If shame is inherently toxic, why did God design us to feel shame and why does God in many places in Scripture like this one here in Jeremiah 6:15, expect us to feel shame at times?” I will admit to you that I have experienced the toxicity of shame on a deep level in my own life and it’s taken me many years to recover, and there are days I feel like I’m still recovering from it, and I know I’m not alone in that here at PSD. So I’m sympathetic to those who have been hurt by shame, but what I want to suggest to you is that it’s not shame itself that’s toxic; it’s an out of control version of shame. It’s an unregulated, malfunctioning version of shame, and if we seek to get rid of shame altogether, we’re throwing the baby out with the bath water and it’s going to lead to a shameless society that engages in the things Jeremiah condemned, or things like Pride Month, and we will completely forget how to blush or be ashamed of anything at all!

Think about it this way: Isn’t it true there are some people whose lives are destroyed by sadness? They fall into a bottomless pit of grief for years and turn to coping mechanisms like alcohol or drugs or they can fall away from the Lord and become hermits who never leave the house and can no longer function in society. That can absolutely happen, but would we then say, “You know what the problem is? Sadness. If we could just eliminate the feelings of sadness, none of those horrible things would happen so we should just smile and repress our tears.” We would never say that, but it’s just as dangerous to say, “Because shame causes so many problems, we just shouldn’t feel it, or we should ignore it and repress it.” No, God designed us to feel shame and EXPECTS us to feel shame at times, and I want to talk this morning about the benefits of good, healthy, righteous shame.

What is Shame?

The painful feeling that accompanies real or perceived loss of respect, social standing, and connection with God and/or the community we value most.
- I have to give credit to Gregg Eshof’s book called, “For Shame,” it was so helpful in my preparation for this sermon. And he gives a shorter version of the definition, which is “The pain of being socially discredited.”
- And he argues that within any society, we all live with a set of spoken and unspoken agreements about appropriate moral behavior and social etiquette. Those agreements are there to help us all get along and flourish together as a community. Which is why our social standing, respect, and connection with others in the community is largely dependent on how well we adhere to those agreements, because when we ignore those agreements, we’re saying we don’t care about the community and we end up causing others to be inconvenienced, to be uncomfortable, and even to be harmed.
  - Numbers 12:14 [Miriam brought shame on herself by questioning God’s judgment and publicly rebuking and trying to usurp her brother Moses as the community leader. So God strikes her with leprosy and Moses and Aaron beg God to heal her immediately and restore her to the community, but God says this] - God brings up a hypothetical scenario where Miriam sinned and her father spits in her face for it. If this were to happen, it would be a sign to everyone that she has lost the respect, social standing, and connection with her own father, family, and community! She violated the agreement of appropriate behavior and would therefore be socially discredited in the eyes of the people she values most. God’s point is, “If she should bear her shame for dishonoring her earthly father, how much more should she bear her shame for dishonoring Me?”
    - 1 Corinthians 6:1, 5-6 [When Paul addresses the Corinthian Christians who were suing each other and bringing their cases before non-Christian judges, listen to what he says about it] - When these Christians who were supposed to love each other are suing each other, they are bringing social discredit down upon themselves, upon the church, and the Lord they claim to serve! Paul wants them to feel shame for this because their behavior is decreasing their respect and social standing in the community around them and more importantly with God!
    - Genesis 2:25 - In the beginning, Adam and Eve felt no shame at all for being naked because they hadn’t done anything to be ashamed of — until they sinned and now it says…
      - Genesis 3:8 - This is one of the effects of shame; it makes us want to hide because we know we’ve discredited ourselves and we can’t bear to face the people we care about when we know they’ve lost respect for us. They know they’ve lost their social standing with God; they know something has shifted in their relationship with Him, and so they hide.
        That’s the way it is with sin. It causes us to lose respect, social standing, and connection with God and the people who matter most to us. And the more heinous the sin, the more socially discredited we are. It’s why those who end up in the news for murder or sexual assault, or honestly for those who go to jail for any reason, lose the respect of their community, and it’s really hard to shake that. Even after people serve their time and get out of prison, it’s hard to reintegrate into society and they want to hide the fact that they were in jail and not include that on job applications because they’ve lost social credit from the crimes they committed. And they may struggle with feelings of shame that accompany that loss of social credit for many years to come.
        But we can also experience shame, not from sin, but from violating societal agreements about proper etiquette.
        Illustration: The first wedding I ever attended was when Jeff and Julia Hunt’s daughter Joana married Matt Finley, and it was during my first summer preaching here at PSD. I’ll never forget showing up to that wedding with a regular polo shirt untucked and some khaki cargo pants and tennis shoes, only to discover the horror that I was RADICALLY underdressed. I felt a huge sense of shame because socially it could have been taken as a failure to honor the bride and groom by acknowledging the specialness of the occasion, and all I wanted to do was hide in the bathroom.
        And social etiquette is tricky because it can change depending where you are. Matt and Amy just got back from Europe and they said they weren’t sure when they went to a restaurant if they were supposed to seat themselves or wait to be seated because it was different in different areas, and they were concerned about seating themselves when it wasn’t appropriate to do that because then they’d be socially discredited as rude Americans who don’t care about the rules, and they’d feel shame that they didn’t properly honor the social agreements in that community.
        Now, you can say, “But Brian that’s such a pain, why care about what people think, why should I try to conform myself to the societal standards of decorum?” Well, because it builds stronger communities and helps us influence people for the Lord.
        1 Corinthians 9:19-20 - Paul knew he was not required by God to keep the customs of Jewish law, but in order to not be discredited socially and lose respect, social standing, and connection with his fellow Jews so he could have more influence on them with the gospel, he did his best to follow their social customs. If Paul trampled on their customs because he wanted to do whatever he wanted, that would be a shameful thing, he would be socially discredited, and he should feel the painful feeling called shame that goes along with that. Shame is an emotion meant to bind us together socially, and God designed to feel shame when we violate our societal agreements.

Shame vs. Guilt

Guilt is the painful feeling that accompanies real or perceived violation of a moral or social standard.
- Genesis 42:21 - Joseph’s brothers were haunted by the guilt of leaving their brother for dead. Now, you may notice guilt is similar to shame, and they often overlap. Joseph’s brothers would have felt both guilt and shame for their sin, so what’s the difference?
  - Guilt is the feeling about my bad choice, shame is the feeling about the social discredit because of my bad choice.
    - Guilt is about what I’ve done, shame is about who I am or perceive myself to be now to others. Guilt is about my actions, shame is about my identity and social standing.
    - Now, sometimes they go hand in hand, and when we sin or violate social etiquette we can feel both guilt and shame for that, but other times we may feel one but not the other.
      - For instance, if you get pulled over for going 10 miles an hour over the speed limit on the highway, you may feel guilty because you know you did something wrong, but you might not feel much shame because society generally doesn’t discredit us or lose respect for us for going 10 mph over.
      - It’s honestly pretty rare to feel guilt without shame, but it’s much more common to feel shame without guilt. For instance, if the lock on the bathroom stall isn’t working right and someone walks in on you, you experience shame because you’re not presentable and you’ve been seen in an inappropriate state, but there’s no guilt because you didn’t do anything wrong. If someone lies about you to ruin your reputation, you may feel the shame of being social discredited, but because you know you’re innocent you don’t feel guilty of anything. Shame is contagious and you can catch it from other people who are guilty even if you’re not. For instance, if one of your family members commits a crime, you may feel the shame that comes from the community socially discrediting you by nature of being in the same family, though you weren’t personally guilty of anything. This also happens when people are victims of abuse; they feel shame because they perceive that their abuser and society looks down on them as weak or as damaged goods, but only the abuser is guilty.

When Shame Becomes Toxic

It’s absolutely true that shame can become toxic, but that’s only when it’s malfunctioning and going beyond its intended design, in 5 ways:
- 1) Never Feeling Shame at All
  - It’s ironic that in our culture, people view shame as a bad thing, yet no one takes it as a compliment to be called shameless. We describe people who brag about themselves as shamelessly self-promoting, and it’s like they’re oblivious to the fact that they’re losing social credit and respect every time they do it. There are people who shamelessly sleep around and treat others like objects. People can become like those in Jeremiah 6:15 where they didn’t even know how to blush!
- 2) Being Ashamed of the Wrong Things to Impress the Wrong People
  - Sometimes we care too much about what the wrong people think, and to avoid the shame of being socially discredited by them, we compromise our morals to fit in.
    - Galatians 2:11-12 - Peter was trying to avoid facing any shame from the Jews who had high social standing in Jerusalem. He cared so much about not losing their respect that he compromised his morals to fit in and acted like it was shameful to eat with Gentiles, which is so ironic because he was the very first one to introduce the concept that it was OKAY to eat with the Gentiles many years before back in Acts 10.
      - This happens to kids sometimes who value what their peers think more than their family. Instead of caring about losing respect and connection with their parents, they care far more about losing the respect of people who don’t even really care about them. So our natural, God-given, righteous shame can be used in an unrighteousness way because it can be misaimed at social cohesion with the wrong community.
      - Romans 1:16 - In the first century, it was shameful to be associated with criminals, and Jesus was viewed as a criminal who deserved death for His crimes. Jesus felt shame on a massive level because He was completely discredited by His peers and lost all respect and social standing with them, though of course He felt no guilt because He did nothing wrong. And Paul is saying, “I’m willing to face whatever social discrediting comes my way because of my association with Jesus!” Paul never wanted his shame to be misaimed and what he cared fare more about social cohesion with Jesus and the church than with the world.
  - 3) Shame that Doesn’t Fit the Circumstance
    - When I was in high school, I legitimately thought people cared what rims I had on my car, and because I didn’t have super cool chrome rims, I thought I would be socially discredited, so I drove around for a while feeling shame about the car I drove. That was completely made up in my head and my shame wasn’t grounded in reality. Also thought I could lose social credit for drinking milk. Panera story.
      - This can happen in the church maybe with our silver saints who can’t make it to all 3 of our services, so they feel shame because they think they’re losing respect or social standing with us or God, when that’s just not true. It can happen to Christians who struggle with temptation. Even if they don’t give in and are not guilty, they feel shame like God and the world are looking down on them just for being tempted. It can happen to those who are single because they feel like they’re losing social credit for not getting married when that’s not really true, especially in modern America. It can happen to Christians who experience pain and suffering and tragedy and they feel shame because they feel like they’ve lost their social standing with God and He’s punishing them, when that may not be true at all.
  - 4) Shame that lasts too Long
    - There are people who seem to suffer from chronic shame, sometimes when there’s nothing to be ashamed of at all, or if they did do something shameful, they just can’t let it go and it constantly haunts them. But God never intended us to stay stuck in shame forever. Paul said when someone in the church is unrepentant, here’s what you do.
      - 2 Thessalonians 3:14 - Well, there was a man in the Corinthian church who fit this description, so that’s exactly what they did, but the problem was, when he repented and sought to be restored to the group, they refused to forgive him! So Paul said this…
        2 Corinthians 2:6-7 - Paul absolutely wanted this man to feel shame for his actions because he lost the respect of his brethren and God, but he didn’t want the shame to last forever! He wanted him to be forgiven and accepted back to a position of honor again in the church.
  - 5) Letting Shame Define Your Worth
    - This is when the intensity of our shame is so high we believe ourselves to be worthless. This is largely why our society has rejected shame, because so often it does lead to self-hatred, low self-esteem, and low self-respect. This can happen because of our own sins and social faux pas, but it can also happen because of the sins of others against us, like verbal and sexual abuse, or a betrayal by our friends, or a cruel break-up. And in our imaginations we picture the social discredit and loss of respect by society and we internalize it and believe it ourselves, that because of who we are we are not worthy of respect or acceptance in the community. This is when shame becomes the most toxic and leads people to addiction, anxiety, depression, isolation, violence, rage, and even suicidal thoughts.
      - Matthew 27:5 - What Judas did was absolutely shameful; he betrayed Jesus and turned Him over to be killed. He should have absolutely felt shame for that, but he allowed the intensity of his shame to define his worth and He ultimately took his life because of it.
        So yes, shame can absolutely turn toxic, but shame itself is not inherently evil. In fact, there are some great benefits…

The Benefits of Righteous Shame

Shame helps us avoid the appearance of evil.

- 1 Thessalonians 5:22 - There may be things that aren’t inherently sinful, like meeting for lunch with a woman who’s not your wife, but healthy shame makes us concerned about how it appears to others and how we might risk being socially discredited for the appearance of being involved with another woman. Righteous shame cares how others perceive our behavior, and not just how we perceive it, which is important for maintaining a strong reputation and influence in the community by avoiding the appearance of evil.

2) Shame helps us fight temptation.

- The truth is, guilt may not be a strong enough motivator not to sin. I know that because one of our favorite rationalizations for sin is that, “No one’s going to find out.” We know God knows and we would feel some level of guilt and shame, but maybe we think, “Hey we can just ask for forgiveness and it’ll be okay.” But if in the moment of temptation, we ask ourselves, “What would happen to my life and reputation if other people found out about this?” That can be an even stronger motivator not to do it. When Solomon warned his son about adultery, he said if he goes through with it, this is what he’ll say to himself in the end…

- Proverbs 5:14 - Sin not only leads to spiritual ruin, but social ruin in the community. And God gave us shame as another motivation to resist it.

3) Shame incentivizes us to invest in each other’s honor

- Honor is the opposite of shame, it’s about increased social credit and gaining respect within the community. Well, remember shame is contagious so if you do something shameful, it can bring shame down on the people around you too. But honor is contagious too. When one person is honored in the community, the community shares in that honor by association! So righteous shame creates communities that are mutually invested in helping each other attain honor and avoid shame, and that’s a great way to describe the church.

- 1 Corinthians 12:23 - On our physical bodies, there are parts we deem less honorable, more likely to bring social discredit upon us if people were to see them. In fact, if someone sees one of our less presentable parts, it brings shame on the entire body. Therefore, every part of our body is mutually invested in seeking to make those shameful parts of us more attractive by covering them up. The same thing is true in the church; if there are members who have been more socially discredited by society for their sin and might bring shame down on the church, all of us are motivated to invest in them and help them grow spiritually to become more presentable so that when they’re honored by the community, the whole church is honored, and Jesus, the head of the body is honored too!

4) Shame reminds us we need each other

- One of the problems with the modern American approach to shame is that it’s highly individualistic. It assumes we don’t need social credit, respect, or connection with anyone. We can just validate ourselves. But that’s simply not true. Shame reminds us no man is an island. We all long for a sense of validation, inclusion, acceptance, and belonging within community, and of course ultimately with God. God gave us righteous shame to promote social bonding and community building, not just within larger society, but especially within the church as well. That’s why earlier when Paul said to put unrepentant sinners in the church to shame by not associating with them, the goal is so that they’ll feel the pain of disconnection and come back home where they belong.

5) Shame reminds us we need God

We talk a lot about how we can’t solve our guilt problem with God on our own. We’ve sinned, and there’s nothing we can do to save ourselves; we need His forgiveness. Well the same is true of the shame of our sin. There’s nothing we can do to save ourselves from shame; I wrote about this in the article today, but the only way to be rescued from shame is for a person of honor to accept us in our shamed state and let us know we belong with them.
- But the thing is, that’s very risky for the person of honor to do that, because shame is contagious and if an honorable person is seen associating with a shameful person, that honorable person might suffer from shame and socially discrediting too.
  - And that’s exactly what happened to Jesus. Jesus was the most honorable person to ever walk the earth, yet He associated Himself with the most shameful of sinners. In fact, He got so close to us that the world believed HE was a shameful sinner worthy of death too. Yet He was willing to take all the shame of our sin upon Himself so that He could bring us to a place of honor.
    - Hebrews 12:2 - Jesus felt all the shame of social discrediting, loss of respect, social standing, and connection with the community, and yet He despised it, which means He counted it as nothing compared to the joy set before Him, which was not only to sit down again at the right hand of God, but to lift us up in honor and glory with Him.
      - John 12:26 - The world may discredit us socially for our sin, but Jesus has forgiven us and accepted us, which restores us to a position of honor. And that’s the ultimate cure for toxic shame; to realize despite the shame of your sin, you’re worth so much to God He sent His Son to die for you, to bear your shame so you wouldn’t have to any longer, and to be elevated to a position of honor. It’s a remarkable gift, and it’s available to you this morning.

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