Looking for patterns in nature, people, the universe, etc. is a natural thing, and even critical to our survival. But when patterns collide with insecure attachment, it can become a whole other circus. If we are stuck in scarcity (which is where many insecurely attached people live), we watch other people and their actions like a hawk. We’re looking for patterns in their behavior so we can predict what comes next in an attempt to feel safe. This is limited, of course, because instead of being in the moment, we are attached to the outcome. If we think the pattern will lead to a negative outcome, we try to control and manipulate it. And if we think it might be positive, we are on our best behavior to ensure it goes the direction we want, sometimes even walking on eggshells. Using patterns to predict outcomes in this manner can leave us hung up in hell, far, far away from real love.

We learned to look for patterns as kids, when we relied on them for our emotional survival, but as adults they destroy our emotional wellbeing. Our focus is not on abundance, but rather on trying to predict and control the unknown. This behavior gives us a false sense of security that all is ok; that WE are ok. Again, it’s an attempt to find safety outside of ourselves. So rather than open up to love and all the uncertainty that goes along with it, we protect ourselves by looking problems. Maybe you look for a dead end, then slip into a wild fantasy of a brick falling on the other person’s head to wake them up. If you’ve noticed yourself doing this or something similar in more than one relationship, it’s a pattern. If you always look for reasons someone (or some job) isn’t right for you, that’s a pattern, and it keeps you safely stuck right where you are. Listen to learn how to spot patterns in your own life. You may be shocked at all the places you find them.