It’s a cracking day in Quinta do Lago — but then aren’t they all? I’m having my first piña colada of the morning because I drank way too much last night and I’m feeling like dogshit that’s been stepped in twice. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Pissing in a swimming pool is a bit like farting at Mass. The trick is to squeeze it out quietly’

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Comedy

“Oh my God,” Sorcha goes, “what is she doing?” Yeah, no, she’s talking about Honor, who’s smiling so hord that it looks like someone has jammed a coat hanger in her mouth sideways. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘What if she wins, Ross? I’ve already heard some of the other moms refer to her as the Trump candidate’

So it’s, like, Friday night and I’m having the usual pints with the goys in The Bridge. Dave Kearney asks how we’re getting on with a big smirk on his face. We’re all, like, crowded around my phone. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Can’t a father and son go for a pint without there being some, I don’t know, anterior motive?

The old man steps into the kitchen with a Montecristo the size of a rolled-up yoga mat burning between his fat fingers. Sorcha storts coughing – her passive-aggressive way of telling him that we don’t allow smoking in this house – but he just ignores her, like he did when she tried to introduce a similar rule about shoes. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Honor is only running for Mount Anville head girl to downgrade her old dear’s greatest life achievement

How quickly the years go by. That’s what I’m thinking as I’m taking the right turn at Donnybrook Bus Depot. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘There’s a video of me doing the rounds on this famous Tick Tocks dot com’

I had my nightmare again last night, the one where I have a one-night stand with Taylor Swift and then I ghost the girl and she ends up writing 15 or 16 songs about me and they’re on the radio constantly. And – yeah, no – I woke up screaming. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

‘Pissing in a swimming pool is a bit like farting at Mass. The trick is to squeeze it out quietly’

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