How often do you play detective in trying to figure out what someone else is thinking? Not only is this a waste of time, but also a waste of your happiness because you can’t control the other person… nor be inside their head. Some of us look to friends and family to interpret texts or actions, turning it into an intellectual pursuit and focusing on all possible outcomes instead of on emotional connection. Perhaps you’re afraid of loss or being abandoned so you want to make sure you act and respond in the right way. You replay the scenario or re-read the text over and over, agonizing over your next move. Or you suspect your partner is cheating, but you have no hard evidence, so instead of actually communicating, you put on your detective hat and look for clues. The hope is that you’ll feel better after your discovery (good or bad), but it really just keeps your old patterns alive and doesn’t lead to true resolution.

Where does this yearning for answers come from? Our own insecurity, plus the need for control and validation, which can overrule our heart. We want to shut someone out of our life before they can do it to us so we sniff around for evidence. The problem is, when we’re looking to prove ourselves right, we eventually will. We end up destroying relationships because we use the intellect to push away emotions; looking for “facts” to support our suspicions instead of openly communicating. Join me to find out how these strategies misfire and create distance rather than emotional intimacy. Insecure attachment is alive and well in all the detectives out there!