Podcast – MōKuest Studios Network

So this was one of our exceptions to the ‘no-sequels” rule. Neither of these movies are very long and are equal parts bad and good as we look at things. Which, as far as we’re concerned, is the CORRECT, PROPER, and ONLY way EVERYONE should think about these flicks. YOU’RE WELCOME thank-you-for-coming-to-our-ted-talk. As with all of this year’s vidji game movie picks, we go extra-medium providing you with a few things about the history of Mortal Kombat and just how badasscool it was to check this in the days of the arcades…except MK4…and Mk vs. DC…and Mk Mythologies. Yeah so quite a few of em sucked a dirty butthole. They can’t all be gold. Listen up as we explain how we all love/hate the Hollywoody magic-ing “creative liberties”’ used to make them into cheesy pie wonderment with fists. What do you expect from rated G (stands for G-Damn Wholesome) movies? Join Bryce, Rey, Roland, and Daniel as we knock down a double header.

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Cinekuest Presents Street Cat Fight-er The Movie

What do you do when you need a cash grab effort? It’s simple–blow the budget on JCVD,and the scraps can go to the other sometimes household darlings Flying Raul Julia, Kicking Ming Na-wen, Who-Knows-What-Purpose-She-Served-Here Kylie Minogue and others that are there but don’t need to be necessarily mentioned (lookin’ at you Captain Sawardooru). We need Bison Bucks here bichoSTAT for it will clear the debt of this cinematic sacrifice to a fickle trickster god. There is a slight catch–your Queen will agree to this once she is reprotectored by the loving embrace of the Pax Bisonica and a new exchange rate is…negotiated *laughs in Raul Julia*. For sadomasochists, this movie provides a funfromp Friday of eroticoidal mental sexytime gymnastics. Your favorite hometown heroes are back to help you stumble through this double helping of chocolate poor-age chock full of Vitamin B-level talent into a feast of a film feature that is most fantastically filmy feast with notes of filminess. 

The once and future king druggydealer M. Bison was tending his flock on the range and didn’t have a mind for street conquestering, but rather world domineerage and this master class moron pre-registered to get pummeled by previously pacifist farmers who plied pitchforks to the prevalent prick in power, which he not-stalgically zips back to as a totally-different-my-guy-associate-dude-story; “It was Tuesday.“ I probably shot somebody…could be…likely…yes…wait, what were we talking about?” *Chun-li has entered the chat*. 

After promoting himself to general, Raul Julia went from shitbug to bigtitty butterfly by developing his plan of world peacitude. All he wants is to create the perfect genetic soldier! Not for power, not for evil–but for good, because good is dumb. Some call it ‘subjugation’, but potato, popurgemoida’. In the words our Lord and Savior JCVD, “It’s the Collection Agency, Bison. Your ass is six months overdue, and it’s mine. *laughs in Bloodsport*.” Brace yourselves for the Best Worst World Tournament Movie Evererar (That is until we get to MK: Annihilation). Join Daniel (Darkwing Drunk), Roland (Darth Goggletron), Rey (Cosmic Beef), Bryce (Young Breezy) and Ron as we rip through this wonderful whirlwind of Crapsterpiece Theater. 

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Gods of Eden (Ch. 6-10) (Part 1.5)

If you listened carefully to our first Books of the Strange episode of 2021, you may have noticed we lied (yes! The shame!) about covering the first ten chapters, but after wasting several hours (Consumer Alert: It be filler if you’ve read The 12th Planet) on the first five, we figured that a 5-6 hour long episode would have been slightly more abusive to you than usual. Here’s the missing segment/continuation/selection/portion/serving/daily recommended dose of Episode #16 (The Bit on Religion) for your juicy earballs! Bramley sallies forth, moving bravely through time on a horse, rattling pen in hand, to a discussion of Pharaonic Egypt and the origins of the pyramids not necessarily related to grandiose tombs constructed for doomed poobahs by fooled goombas. We then get a peek into Egyptian poly- and monotheistic understandings of death and the afterdeath and how these were linked to Custodial machinations for the concealment of the Spiritual Beingitude of us pesky hoo-mans *stares in Ferengi*. After directing hawk-like laser-wolfman-Jedi focus on the rise of Amenhotep IV’s flavor of monotheism in Egypt, Bramley shifts his alpha-raptor/robot sights onto Machiavellian Jehovah (His words! Please stop hitting us!). Before changing gears to discuss the Custodial twist (a hot new dance move for the cool kids) on Hinduism, we are gifted a short blog post on Melchizedek’s Apron, an important symbol in secret societies (because blood gets ev-er-y-where). At first, Bramley’s style will cornfuddle you, because (he said it would) in the first chapter, we had that whole song and dance du soleil of “EarLY StuFf Make SEnsE LaTeR and versa vice. tRuSt Me.” and now we have no idea what the hell he was doing dropping science about secret symbolism when he’s in the midst of Egyptian religions, Judaism, and Hinduism. What can we say? We’re not that bright (waaah). After the continuous bummer discovering how a few major past and present religions are Custodial ghost traps (called it!), we are offered a glittery glimmer-fleck of hope through maverick religions (GOOOOOOSE!) that tried practical and scientifical approaches to saving their spiritual asses like the OG Brotherhood of the Snake with legendary wordsmith baccalaureate warrior-priest-ninja-medicine men-duelist-shamans such as the likes of Mettaya the Mic Slaya, DJ Wata Divida and MC Thus Spoke Me, Bitch. While not quite done with Custodian religions (sorry!), please bear with Rey, Roland, and Daniel as they dive further into Bramley’s intriguing claims of humanity serving as baffled Ballchinnian bitches. 

00:00 Intro

00:01 Chapter 6-The Pyramid Builders

00:46 Chapter 7-Jehovah

01:33 Chapter 8-Melchizedek’s Apron

01:51 Chapter 9-Gods and Aryans

02:30 Chapter 10-The Maverick Religions

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Gods of Eden (Chs. 1-5): 

We decided to begin this year much like we ended our last year, talking about aliens on Books of the Strange! We consider the first book of 2021 as a logical extension of The 12th Planet, our previously reviewed foray into the study of extraterrestrials and their influence in Earthly affairs. In this episode, we cover the first five chapters of William Bramley’s Gods of Eden. As a brief primer, Sitchin argued that humanity was created to serve the interests of the gods (ALIENS) primarily as laborers, but Bramley takes it a step further, saying, “Yeah, all that, but they also want us to be in constant conflict with one another to keep humanity from achieving our full potential as spiritual beings.” The basic idea of the Spiritual Being is that our corporeal existence is sustained by an immortal form of non-physical energy/existence. While modern science has been unable to prove this in a lab, there has been a wealth of information supplied by cultures across the world that attests to the existence of Spiritual Beings. At this point of the narrative, Bramley abruptly shifts gears to discuss the history of the UFO phenomenon and the hurdles and pitfalls encountered when attempting to prove or collect evidence from the many sightings and reports made throughout history. Rather than referring to our out-of-this-world creators as ‘gods’, our man Billy designates the term “Custodians” to describe a potential plurality of aliens through history and their relationship with humanity. With such a not-at-all-ominous term of endearment, what could go wrong for us naked apes? Join Rey, Roland, and Daniel as they can’t shut up about little green men! 

00:00 Intro/Who is William Bramley?

00:26 Chapter 1

00:42 Chapter 2

00:57 Chapter 3

01:42 Chapter 4

01:51 Chapter 5

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Cinekuest Presents Double Dragon, or Double Oh No…

Anytime Mark Dacascos is involved in a project (f@%kin’ President of Iron Chef–hellz yes), particularly his movies, we can’t help talking about it, and thus we are more than pleased to include Double Dragon next in line for the Cinekuest video games series! 

Buckle up as we crack through one of the most famous (well they sorta started it so yeah) beat-em-up” game series of all time. This got its own movie starring the world’s most incredible capoeira maestre’ as Jimmy Lee, one half of a badass-cool-ass (well, the game said so) pair of kickass-cool post apocalypse of 2007. The other “bro” was Scott Wolf. Yay. Remember that? We don’t. But it was a thing here. Movies! Soooooo…Thousands of years ago in ancient China, an evil army of shadow warriors terrorized the great city of Shang-sa. To save his people the good king sacrificed himself to create a mystical medallion. Realizing the ultimate powers of the medallion, the king split it in half. To one son he gave power over the body, to the other, power over the soul. This is the legend of the Double Dragon. Fast forward a few hundred years, and Robert Patrick as The Vanilla Ice T-1000 tries to gain a hold of this power through murder and deceit. What will the brothers do? Will Alyssa Thiccano and her not gratuitous-at-all-booty-shots-because-this-is-a-kids-movie save their dopey asses? Will T-1The Shadow prevail? Will we keep asking poorly phrased questions? Are you thinking that this could be a possibility? Find out as Rey, Roland, Daniel, and guest star fan-friend Paul as we add this to the so-good-it’s-bad list?  

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MoKuest Studios Presents…

CineKuest Video: The Mario Bros Movie: Blade Runner the Henson’s Cut
2021–let’s do this! Better than last year! Probably! Possibly! Just maybe! Please? New year, new Cinekuest formattery. For the next few months, we will cover movies based on vidjy games! Yea, though we walk through the valley of hubris, we fear no shitteh movie. Despite our faith, this year will nonetheless have a slew of questionably amazing movies that we take by storm! I mean, quite a few of them are pretty good when compared to a hole in the head (which may be preferable). To start off our foray into video game movies, we chose the 1993 classic, much beloved, Super Mario Bros starring John Leguizamo and Bob Hoskins as Luigi Mario and Mario Mario (names are canon…yes…really!). A pair of not-a-stereotype-at-all plumbers scraping by on the grit of their roto rooters and can-do attitudes! Luigi meets Daisy, a paleontologist specializing in dinos and studying her own past at the same time, unbeknownst to her. Parallel worlds! Hells the highest of yeses! As their wonky ass date goes awry, the plumbers end up crossing over into Dinohatten (Not that Mario and Luigi were on a date, but that’s not an important distinction to make in this sentence, we suppose…), ruled by King Koopa, the Hoppa! Yes, kids, we get Dennis Hopper in this flick who clearly had no idea what the hell he was doing in this role, but it is fuckin’ fantastic. Think of a cross between Donald Trump as President of the US and Dr. Evil and you’re close! Also a badasscool leather suit. Get your post-apocalypse cyber-trash-future fetishes here, folks, while they’re hot! They’ve got a Super Scope()! Walk The Dinosaur! Beware the Bob-omb Bitches! Join Rey, Roland, Bryce, and Daniel as they ramble about this classic Hollywood Flopper. 

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So here is the last Valley Strange of the Year 2020. We’re feeling abit proud of our Bebbe Strange (StrangeBae?) podcast and decided we’d spend a little of our time going over our attempts to cover all the spooky funs. We even make a few possible connections between our topics–does Sitchin’s theory of knots on a rope left from aliens cross over with the legend of the Lechuza? We’d have a better idea if more of our angry white bird eyewitnesses returned our calls (scared of the truth mebbe?!?). Presenting some of our plans for the future–Mokuest Law! Bringing you our specialists in Cryptid and Bird Law, we will obsess you with our love of protecting the rights–nay, being the unspoken, unheard word of the weird underdogs everywhere. We’re lookin at you Goat Man–crazy kids crapping off your bridge–no respect. The meat of the thickness was of course our “Books of the Strange” segments–took alotta brain powa, dammit, and it’s worth going over some of it again, cuz we don’t do that shit for much of anything (rather save the strength for naps and boozing). Peppered throughout this we very briefly farted through our UFO news and interests, our true crime wondertainment voice-overs, “spectrophilia”, the 5G Phenom, and David Ike’s theorizories getting clapped by Big Social Media–AND MOAR. We do it all for you–our fans–and booze. The booze holds particular primacy though. Join Roland, Rey, and Daniel in our romp through our wacky ass year. Fuck 2020!  

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Wadatah, our damies. We invite you to partake in a Mokuest tradition established years ago of watching one of the absolute best movies ever made on New Year’s Eve! Do you like ass kicking? Do you like kids avoiding cigarettes and malt liquor? Well, do we have a paragon of virtue in the form of Pootie Tang for you via the brainchild of Louis C.K. with Chris Rock’s blessing to provide us with a film that, at the heart of it, is a parody of blaxpoitation films from the 1970s. Pootie isn’t a Jack of All Trades, but a Master, and excels particularly in music, film, martial arts, pottery, and can fix a mean shoe. Pootie is so fly that he was diagnosed as being “too cool for words”, but, despite this, everyone always knew what he meant. Pootie is so badass he had a budget version of TLC perform a song about him! However, his efforts to be the best man he can possibly be to the world around him drew the stink eye of Corporate America (CA) that had an issue with him (Pootie’s PSA campaigns were bleeding them dry). This cinematic masterpiece’s central conflict is CA trying to stop Pootie Tang from being a pone tony. Starring Lance Crouther, this flick is chock full of funny folk including Bob Costas, dudes that were on “The Wire”, Wanda Sykes, the man himself, Chris Rock, and Stifler’s Mom! This movie can be argued as a superhero flick because not all heroes wear capes–sometimes they wear shell necklaces and wield belts. Join Rey, Roland, and Daniel as they poorly attempt an MST3K take on a movie we find no major problems with. Regardless, the important thing to remember, kids, is to say “Sadatay” and feel okay and don’t bang the dillies!

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Cinekuest Presents: Year of the Villain Face Off aka The Roast of Johnny Wong

Says it in the title folks–we finally bring you our votes for best-worst (and worst-worst) villain from our year’s action-verse reviews. Do we give it to the millenia-old wizard of ChinaTown, the eternally thirsty Lo Pan? Or maybe the nutballs serial killer-clown Simon Phoenix? Does the Shogun of Harlem have what it takes to whup all ya’lls asses back to the stone age? Can Silverio become The True Maestre? Does the No-Plan Computer-Man Sid 6.7 stand a chance? Can Phd murder-nerd Dr. Luthor stack up against everyone with his terminator toasters? Cisco has love for us all…does that also include these bastardos? Or will all these badasses fall prey to the AIDS Brigade?!? Oh, right, there’s Johnny Wong too. Can’t forget about the Littlest Bi@$h. Among all of these contenders  we argue and attempt to disprove why Roland is always right (keep trying). Join Daniel, Rey, and Roland in our movie villains in review analysis battle royale.  

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Cinekuest Concludes a True Trilogy–Army of Darkness: Rise of the S-Mart SaviorAs the last of our year’s trilogies we went with one of the most ridiculous, pants-shittingly hilarious takes on demonic possession and time travel your black little hearts of horror could dream of. Imagine if Mel Brooks and the Cryptkeeper tried to direct Lord of the Rings. This is Sam Raimi unleashed baby! With a mega thicc budget and nobody in his way, there was just no stopping him, bringing us a timeless, incomparable medieval monster-fest masterpiece. Directly following the “second” Evil Dead movie, Ash is hurled back in time to the “ye olde” age, where he quickly dominates those primitive screw-heads with his understanding of “compositions and things with molecular structures”. Big brain flex dabs are to be expected with a badass of Ash’s caliber. He’s totally not an absolute pansy-ass (not in front of the primates-they can sense sissyness). Ash is at his best when he’s completely backed into a corner–then the kitty-cat’s chainsaw arm comes out. Pit Bitches beware–the Chosen One Cometh. How will Ash get his ass back in time for work? Them bills don’t pay themselves, yeah? Join Roland, Daniel, and Rey as we wish movies were still this cool (they aren’t).     

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