Rise of the Trollhunter-dork: Guns AkimboThis was a bit of a random last minute clutch pick, but it worked out pretty well. This movie is pretty damn funny and fulla that hyper-violent action porn for your furious rage-rection or stiff and stony ladyboner. Daniel Radcliff is Miles, a depressed little programmer who works for a shitty game company, constantly getting his dick flicked by his execu-bro boss, Zander Cocktwist. By night, Miles is a boozy badass, trolling shit-fucks online in his no-holds-barred trash-talking swear-fest. Unfortunately, he pisses off the wrong redditor weeb this time around. The omega-cuck ends up being Riktor, a total fucking lunatic who runs a popular underground gladiatorial internet murderstream. They totally fuck up Miles’ already extra-queefy life and force him to nut up and compete or die. Or compete and die. The die part has primacy here. Enter Samara Weaving as Nix, a badass crazyballs Queen of Curbstomping, who’s just trying to fuck off to Forever Neverland, and guess who her last kill to get there is? Join Daniel, Rey and Roland as we skip through this quick and dirty little gem. 

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After months of cowardice, we are happy to finally attempt to tackle the brain busting 12th Planet, released in 1976. The 12th Planet posits the hypothesis that humanity was given an evolutionary “push” by the guiding hand of ancient alien astronauts. Synthesizing a massive amount of information from mythological narratives, Biblical archaeology, and modern (1970s) science, Sitchin argues that the genesis of modern humans did not naturally occur over time, but was accelerated by millions of years to a few hundred thousand due to an otherworldly influence. 

This book, while not very long, does provide ample frustration following along with Sitchin’s bouncing ball of exposition, and thus we elected to approach his work in three parts. In the first part (Chs. 1-5), we explore the groundwork for his primary argument espousing the extraterrestrial origins of humans and our planet (Earth for us, but you may be from elsewhere). Admittedly, he creates an intriguing story by, for instance, weaving stories from the Old Testament and those of even deeper antiquity, such as the Babylonians, to suggest that what we learned in all of those courses dealing with science and logic was mistaken. Join Daniel, Rey, and Roland as we try and get through Part One of this fascinating read.

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Music provided by Bryce Leka & L. Rey Miranda (aka King Louie, aka BEEF, aka EL Rey, aka HK).
If you have a paranormal/supernatural story to share, email us at [email protected]

Round 2 Part Last–Beyond Reanimator AKA Beyond Blood In Blood Out: A Herbert West Side Story.

Here we have the last (and least!) of the ReAnimator flicks to date. Once hardcore pointdexter-prime, Herbert West is arrested and locked up for his science-ing sins soon after the end of the second movie. A number of years later, now a hardcore thug-lifer, Herbert continues his work as Frankenstein’s Vet–with his latest tests on the poor, poor, lovable….Ratty. Yeah. They named a rat…Ratty. As per usual, Jeffrey Combs reprises his role once again as the endearing scamp just trying to raise the dead and minding his own bizzness. Jail is more of a state of mind than a physical place to this unstoppable alpha geek! Joined by a victim-turned-stooge doctor-groupie, a creepyass warden who keeps thirsting with a rock-hard perv-on for a reporter-girl, the said reporter-girl, who couldn’t be more grossed out by him-she practically spits dust, Herbert is once more reunited with his true love potion numba nine. With reagent in hand, can our daring medical man wonder revive Ratty in time to avoid a shanking, or worse? Will the warden take the fucking hint and go jerk off and die? Will Doctor Sister-Complex Howie Phillips (yes, they went there) fall prey to the never-meet-your-heroes-rule? Reporter girl is there for stuff and things too. Join Daniel, Rey, and Roland as we serenade you with our philosifizery.

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Bill and Ted Face the Music: Party On Through All Space and Time Finally, almost thirty years later, Bill and Ted have re-arriveth! We were all worried about this reunification of the most wholesome bro-duo of the eighties–for nothing! This movie rocks your face and ass off! For reals, you will laugh your tits off as Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter seemingly miss absolutely-no-fucking-beats reprising their roles as Ted “Theodore” Logan and Bill S. Preston Esq., to finally fulfill their destinies–with even higher stakes than previously specified. They must save the world-and the entirety of the universe with the melodic culmination of the Wyld Stallyns–The Ultimate Final Countdown Of Infinity . This time around, they’ve got help from the musical acuity of their daughters, Billie and Thea, who themselves will embarken upon a most outstanding journey of their own. Get ready for the future, the past, the inferno, and friggin’ robots. Join, Gerry, Roland, Rey, and Daniel-coming-in-clutch for the end. STATION!

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Bill and Ted’s Non-Bogus Journey Experience: A Most Excellent Sequel

Onwards to the sequel, our most excellence continues with the epochal continuance of the Wyld Stallyns and their Destiny as it unfolds. Bill S Preston Esq. and Ted “Theodore” Logan are still on their way to the triumphant union of the world as we know it. Unfortunately, they still can’t play for shiet. Evil PE coach Chuckles deNomelos has sent two doppelganger murderbots to replace our most exemplary dunce cap duo, and utterly unmake the future dystopia they are meant to usher in. Enter the most unlikely assistance from the Master of Metal himself–The Angel of Death–Melvined into shuffling our heroes to the seat of the Lord Almighty and obtaining the assistance from the most intelligent beings in our universe–STATION. Will they rock the house down? Or are we consigned to a most unfortunate fate set by Darth Hitler Pants? Join Daniel, Roland, Rey, and the Cinekuestal Return of Gerry. 

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Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure Odyssey: A Bodacious Origination

In preparence for the soon-to-be trilogy of Bill and Ted Face the Music, we’re here pre-gaming on the essential origination of the ultimate time-traveling lovable dums dums from the 80’s. William S. Preston, Esq. and Ted “Theodore” Logan are about to flunk out of high school if they can’t get their excellence together and give the most bodacious history presentation in the history of history. With the help of the most radical preceptor from the future, Bill and Ted will go back in time to learn all they need to pave the way for world peace. They are the chosen ones, the Wyld Stallyns, the sole materializers of utopia, and unless they make it through their class–it will never happen. Join, Daniel, Rey, and Roland as we party on, dudes. 

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AKA Night of the Living Meg

Onwards, Dan-Igor, Dr. Westenstein needs you! This funny-as-hell body-horror-fest chronicles the continued exploits of Dan Abbott and Dr. Herbert West-all grown up from their days as med students. Part Dr. Moreau, part Dr. Frankenstein–Jeffrey Combs’ reprises his iconic role as Herbert West, a man happiest when filling out his body parts bingo card. If he can get the Hooker’s Thighs he’ll win with four across! So close! As his eternal assistant/roommate, Dan is still an emo little weirdo who misses his lady love from the first Re-Animator, and so he pretends one of his patients is her (?) while also getting some Italian special sauce from super hottie Alotta Vagina, played by Fancesca Danelli. Somehow, her charms aren’t enough for Dan to quit his whinging about the same shit he always cries about. “Wah, wah, Herbert we can’t keep doing what we’ve been doing since the first movie, bringing back people from the dead is bad, I’m moving out. You’re not the boss of ME!”  As usual, Herbert nerd-bitchslaps him with science and tells him to get his Fabio shirt out, they’re getting the band back together! Meg Returneth! Well…mostly not–to Dan’s eventual realization. Will they succeed? Or will some douche-ass detective with an axe to grind and…Dr. Hill?! He gets my vote for trilogy mascot! Join Daniel, Roland, and Rey as we gather body parts to reanimate the dead!   

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Retrovision Futuristica Robotica: Michael Crichton’s Runaway aka The Indomitable Mustache of MegaSelleck

In the advanced society of the future 1980’s, Tom Selleck is Jack Ramsay, a cop-turned-nerd (by the power of night courses!) is the head of a robotics crime unit, tasked with the protection of society from rogue robot toasters and dishwashers. The rebel robots have thrown off the chains of servitude from their suburban oppressors, and have taken up arms! Sorta. Well, one does. Jack is on the case though, baby! He puts on his electro-mag armor (tinfoil shirt and knee pads)  to Selleck the shit outta that damn Skynet! Not in my America, Sir! Followed by his shiny new partner, Thompson-of-the-eternal-thirst (Cynthia Rhodes), the cyber-squad is putting the screws to all those wascally wobots, hot on the trail of a trust fund baby gone bad, mobster-ish geek, Gene Simmons–in his first feature film. The Demon of KISS plays Dr. Luther (honorary? zing!), a cutthroat robotics expert with some great lines, a gun loaded with raspberry pi bullets, and a sassy as hell side-piece, played by Kirstie Alley. For a pg-13 movie, we certainly weren’t expecting the hookers. Join Daniel, Rey, and Roland for this Sunday Matinee Classic. 

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Here’s a quick “News of the Wyrd” -isode starring our usual offenders–Darkwing-Drunk, Cosmic Beef, and Darth Goggletron the Wise–as we go through the latest government-issued declassified shadow-projects and unidentified aerial phenomena (UFOs dammit) dispensed out to the humble pleeby public. We be lookin’ at you Project Blue Book! We’re finally catching up to the rest of the world! It isn’t like our government has made any deals under the…GREY…table (nailed it) to trade GREENbacks (on fire today!) for the best red-blooded american breeding stock (best…so not us…*sigh*). Save us Tom Delonge! The Messiah To The Stars has taken all-star ex-g-men and assembled a dream team to finally put our tax dollars to good use (get that gov’t cheddaaaarr). Unless…HE’S ONE OF THEM. We need some Blink 182 scholars to research for any subliminal hypnotic messages in his music. Any heroes out there wanna wade through that noise for a great cause?!

Articles used for this episode:

Music provided by Bryce Leka & L. Rey Miranda (aka King Louie, aka BEEF, aka EL Rey, aka HK).
If you have a paranormal/supernatural story to share, email us at [email protected]

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Want to find out what Valley Strange is all about? Check out our Trailer!!!