I used to spend my life looking for perfection; someone who checked all the boxes. As you can imagine, it never led to a fulfilling relationship. Fast forward to present day where I’m in a relationship with a man with whom no checklist was used. When I let go of the idea of a perfect person and got clear on what I truly wanted, the perfect person for ME showed up, meeting me right where I was. Is he perfect? Hell no. And neither am I. But together we work because we’re able to reveal our warts and share our fears with our feet firmly planted in reality.

Perfection matters to Avoidants (and Anxious Avoidants) because you think it’s all you can handle. I know because that was me. Anything less is messy and requires vulnerability. So you have to dig deeper and ask yourself what about imperfection is so scary. What imperfections in yourself do you not accept? Think about that. What is so horrible or flawed that you want to hide it from someone under the veil of perfection? It’s all an illusion, and you realize that when you’re emotionally triggered. That trigger shocks you into reality, threatening your safety bubble where nothing imperfect exists. You’re forced to either confront the emotions that surface, or avoid them and retreat back to your bubble where you can absolve yourself of responsibility, making it about the other person. From that safe and cozy place you may start building a case against your partner, “See, he/she leaves socks lying around. I can’t deal with a messy person!” And suddenly the focus is on their “imperfection” instead of your feelings.

Once you stop looking for evidence that your partner is imperfect and using it as an excuse to distance yourself, you’re able to let go of control and deal with the uncertainty of reality. Perfection is a fantasy, and it serves to keep you away from love. Isn’t it time you get out of your safety bubble, stop building a case against happiness and look for someone imperfect… just like you?