Project Studio Tea Break

Bellingstropp-Smythe & Sons proudly present this month's Oolong Hour, replete with snug-verbing, potty-mouthed sponsors, sensual mastication, and goodly chunks of papier-mâché. John (aka The Salieri Of Puppets) betrays his 18- and 25-year-old selves by using the creepily long arms of the fishy fishy fish man to dragoon fresh talent. Mike reveals the linguistic thread connecting Niall Horan, Susan Boyle, and The Four-letter Count, while marvelling at the electrotom excesses of The RAH Band. Neither of your hosts is even slightly whelmed by an Airfix synth that's customisable, except in any way you'd actually want to customise it. Nevertheless, they rally together to help an electronic musician survive The Old Lady Tribunal using virtuoso electricity and the Bavarian Ophicleide Festival. But is it something you can whistle?

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The Master Breakers return refreshed and alert from their summer travels with fresh crisp-packet metaphors and an unhealthy Madonna fixation. Jon's been gate-crashing perfume adverts at The Royal Opera House with his close personal friend Salvador Dali, as well as pioneering the concept of whistlestop touring without the whistles or stops. Mike's been blurring the line between computers and footballs, but still has the pleasure of introducing the Cathedral Of Binaural Toast Foley, Scaramanga's axe, Working Class Audio, and two goblins. And if that's not enough to rescue you from the Milton Keynes of Despond (or a debilitating attack of Trap, Dogcart, and Brougham), try our masterclasses in faint praise and unrappabilityto!

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It's a holiday facepalm special this month, with Mike destroying his means of production and co-hosting with a sock puppet. Meanwhile, Jon has tracked down the elusive Miss T for an in-depth discussion of gravy. There's a challenge for all you Foley connoisseurs too: our first ever 'Spot The Toast' quiz! And, of course, everything sounds better with audio bacon...

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This month it's a Superbooth special, with intense dubstep typing, motivational sawtooth waves, and a bag of smashed crabs that's blown the lid off Indiegogo. In other news, the Dark Prince Of Crochet (aka Jon) has been shouting into a recycle bin, building up his resistance to haggis, and operating machinery in a baggy PVC suit. Mike reminisces about recording cheese straws, stereo hoovering, and asynchronous bunny-hops. Meanwhile, at the Cross-cultural Variety Show we have acoustic pub-funk, flying raffle tickets, and a sternly worded sit-in. Plus, there's shiny piano and reverse hallelujahs from Kirk Franklin, and our first ever guest entrant to the Toast Foley Hall Of Fame. And let's not forget these hard-won pearls of wisdom: "As long as there's Cajon, it's acoustic" and "Delude in the nude!" 

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It's no holds barred this month as Leo Tolstoy and Jean-Jacques Nattiez square up in a musical version of Celebrity Deathmatch. Meanwhile, your intrepid Master Breakers consider displaying their Hobbit feet in glorious HD and commiserate over shared tonsorial option-paralysis. Mike's career as a kazoo virtuoso goes from strength to strength, which is fortunate given how he's been facepalming himself out of work over the phone. On the hunt for sexy plays, Jon's in the Batcave with lots of eyeliner and bits of old submarines, working out how to get those bits of carrot from between his teeth. And don't miss our first truly organic product endorsement, as well as incontrovertible proof of your hosts' idiocy. All hail the King of Fuh!

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Armed with their best picardy thirds, the guys start up their viral factory once again with heavy-metal kitten videos and Chewbacca singing Nessun Dorma. There's exciting news too of dubstep's karmic pest-control properties, 19th-century composers' beards, and Mike's first world-record attempt. Jon brings us a box-fresh facepalm with guaranteed 100 percent shame, while Mike (aka Mäik) hoovers the inside of his piano in the aftermath of our first ever sponsored toast Foley. More crucial production questions are also laid to rest: What's your favourite note? What's the musical equivalent of mildew, sherbet, guacamole, or beef jerky? And how can I turn funk into music in one easy step? Yes, all that, and it'll still probably get fewer Guardian column inches than ten tracks of silence...

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Heading into festival season, your intrepid crowdsurfers park their inflatable car so that Jon can wreak quiz-based revenge and explain the origin of the 'f*** you' delay. Speaking of Bangface, Mike treats his co-host to a Grommit-grade tale of thoroughly British Palmfacing, and extols the virtues of oxtail filtering. Meanwhile, Jon sacrifices his browser history to the gods of multi-instrumentalism in order to salvage the European Project, while singing through his harmonikazoo. Plus, Billie Eilish embodies the true Zen of Toast, restoring Mike's faith in great art and personal smugness. Oh, and if you see Britney, tell her we're looking for Amy...

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Defying ancient Mayan prophecies of the apocalypse, your intrepid Master Breakers explain how to raise 40 grand in three quarters of an hour, while making 40 percent of a joke about The Danish String Quartet. Google's prog-rock Bach emulator is tested to destruction, with plenty of gory details about Count Duckula's death by cookies, Mike's Frankenmix monster, and Jon's anti-Vatican orgy. Plus, we reveal how gourmet risotto and Angry Birds can help banish bouts of freelance lethargy, and Jon delivers a brief masterclass on bunraku puppet twerking. All to the accompaniment of a nightmarish wobble-board/plate-reverb hybrid (with snares on) and a 1000-person samba band half a mile away.

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For this month's episode your intrepid Project Studio procrastinators cut like a knife through their favourite lyrical cliches, plan a Syllabist poetry slam, and resist the urge to shout 'Hey' while drinking moonshine under a harvest moon. Errol the Chipmunk is sorely provoked by discussions of nonconsensual Bowie abuse, swirling styrofoam snowstorms, and John Cage's evil twin. (Don't worry -- it's all in the name of sound art.) There's magic too, as Mike explains how to transform a stampeding herd of wildebeest into a touch-typing convention, and how to squeeze all his guitar knowledge onto the back of plectrum with the help of The 100k Per Foot Rule. Meanwhile, Jon boards his sponsored speedboat to reveal the single worst score he's ever received, and explains how to deal with the Good Will Hunting of dulcimerists. Suffice to say that not all his tea goes down the right way...

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This month, Mike succumbs to Brexit-fever and receives entirely unnecessary divine assistance in looking foolish. Meanwhile, Jon skips through fields of daisies with his new robot roadie, stuffs his shoes with his own flamboyant boxer shorts, and explains how to score top marks in Ambient Wishy-Washy. Despite exciting new developments in the Einaudi Grudge Match, our two hosts nonetheless manage to set aside their differences for long enough to discuss their favourite song key-changes, Chuck Berry's pigmy elephants, and how three men and a Clavinova have paid homage to the 5th Marquis of Anglesey and his crystal sword. (Tonight.)

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