PSYCHē Says | Therapists

Are you viewing your child (or yourself?!) from a "what is right" or "what is wrong" perspective? 

Although identifying potential barriers to emotional and psychological growth is important, ironically, it can get in the way and lead to significant damage to a child's self-esteem. Of course, this is the opposite of what parents are trying to do, but many are unaware of how they contribute to the problem. 

Dr. Vaughn and Sally discuss the importance of challenging negative beliefs about children and teens in the process of getting them the help that they need. Asking, "how might this behavior be viewed by someone else as a positive trait" is one way that caregivers can begin to move towards validation. They need to first change how they see their child so the child can change how they see themselves. Improving behavior and self-esteem requires that we look for "the nugget of gold in the cup of sand." 

For example, seeing a child as "easygoing" rather than "lazy" or as "optimistic" instead of "unreasonable" helps avoid "throwing out the baby with the bathwater" when it comes to assessing a child's personality development and self-concept. 

Not to mention that you can certainly use these tips for yourself as an adult. Just sayin. 

PS: The gold is there. We promise. 

People wear clothes for a reason. We have the right to cover up so we feel comfortable and we cover out of courtesy what may be disturbing or disrespectful to others . The same goes for thoughts and emotions. If you want to be in a relationship, like it or not, there is an obligation to cover, or at least put a filter on, some of the garbage that the mind produces.  The latest pop psychology trend of being "authentically you" is great for those who have difficulty opening up...AND it can definitely go too far. While it's important to get real with people you are close to, you can't just go around airing how you feel to everyone, and there is NO relationship in which sharing EVERYTHING (i.e. "stream of consciousness") is recommended if you are expecting to keep the relationship long-term. There's a reason we have a choice in whether or not to speak.. We know that feelings, thoughts, and urges come and go, but spoken words have a tendency to hang around in the mind of the listener. Considering what your INTENTION is prior to sharing can make a huge difference. When you consider your intention and ask, "what am I trying to bring about by saying this?" or "what am I hoping the effect of my saying this will be?," you are better able to make an informed decision. Consider the likely effect of what you have and to say and whether that is something you want. It's simple, but not easy to do when the moment is heated. We have a natural tendency to want to be "transparent" when emotions are high as a way ofI"getting it off my chest." It may feel good temporarily, but It's not always best for the relationship. Recognizing and respecting the comfort zone of the other person (within limits) is part of the process of being in relationships. Taking it too far in either direction is where things can go awry.  

In case you needed official permission, you actually aren't required to share your relationship (or other) decisions, even if it directly impacts a person you care about. Sometimes, it can even get in the way of the effectiveness of your objective. Telling someone you are going to pull back from the relationship may or may not have the intended effect you are after. Asking yourself, "what is my intention [or intentions]," is one of the best questions to help determine whether you can ACTUALLY bring about the result you are after...you may even discover hidden intentions in yourself that you realize you need to let go of because they don't match your values. Better to find out than to operate on auto-pilot!

When should you ignore a behavior and when should you address it? What if you don't want to reinforce it? Won't paying attention to it make it worse? In this episode, Sarah and Dr.  Vaughn talk about situations when the "elephant in the room" goes unaddressed and it leads to problems such as worsening of behavior or relationship damage.. In what world can you just ignore an obvious problem? In "The Twilight Zone," of course! 

Sometimes, you've gotta draw the line. In this episode, Dr. Vaughn and Sally discuss THE ULTIMATUM and challenge the negative reputation it carries in the world of relationships and communication.  The fact is, some boundaries aren't flexible, and sharing what those are within a relationship is at times necessary. Drawing a line in the sand and communicating the resulting outcome allows both parties to make a choice--.one decides whether to cross the line and the other decides the follow-up. This acknowledges the free will of both participants as they are both free to choose their consequences by their actions. Without ultimatums, the line in the sand is never drawn and resentment grows. The offended party feels bound by the choices of the other. Ultimatums create a context of respecting the free will and power of each individual to control their own fate. 

If you have difficulty tolerating anyone being upset with you and find yourself working hard to keep others liking you,  you may be engaging in controlling behavior. In short, other people have the right to feel absolutely any way that they do. Although they are not permitted to BEHAVE any way they want, they can FEEL any way they want. When you make repeated attempts to change the way that others feel, you can end up feeling stressed out and resentful. Remember, other people have the right to be wrong! 

Communication in relationships is more about process than content. The specifics of what the conflict is about is never the real issue...it's how you talk to one another that makes a difference. In this episode, Dr. Vaughn explains a communication technique in which the speaker highlights what is occurring for them in the moment thereby giving the listener enough information to correct erroneous interpretations or to make a different behavior choice.