PSYCHē Says | Therapists

Somehow, someway, the majority of people have coped with crises and bad

feelings for centuries without essential oils, guided imagery, or inner

childwork. They didn’t call a friend for support, cry on the shoulder of a

loved one, or read self-help books on vulnerability. They did not just

cope, but EFFECTIVELY and SKILLFULLY coped. They did not destroy

relationships, start a new addiction, harm themselves or someone else, give

up and wither away, or otherwise make the problem worse. I’m talking about

people who may or may not be in therapy.

The holidays are a great thing AND they can be rough as hell. If that is confusing to you, just skip this blog…and thank your lucky stars for your current life circumstances. For the rest of us, there can be a love/hate relationship with “the most wonderful time of the year.” There are multiple reasons for that (which we will go into in a later podcast), but one of the reasons is due to feeling pressured to make everyone happy. That pressure becomes multiplied if your family has several divorced members, you have kids (and may be divorced), your partner has family obligations, you live out of town, you have emotionally sensitive family members, or all of the above.

Here are some tips for managing the guilt you are likely to struggle with during the holiday season:

It’s hard to talk about validation without considering what it is NOT.

Hopefully you can immediately see that the statements above are examples of

invalidation. Although we don’t need to validate everything (and in fact,

it would be unwise to validate everything), we need to at least know HOW to

validate. Validation is a skill and it can be learned. It is actually

possible to validate ANYTHING. Yes, anything.

I snarled as I scrolled past yet another one of those patronizing posts on

Instagram from a therapy practice. You’ve seen something similar, I’m sure.

There’s usually a mountain or some other form of nature background along

with a silhouette of a person you are supposed to identify with who may or

may not appear to be in some form of pain…or maybe they are leaping or

climbing on something? This particular post indicated that it was “proud”

of me and implied that, because of this, I had accomplished enough for the

day. My first thought: “f^^^^^^*k youuuuuu.”

As a psychotherapist, one of my absolute, favorite moves of all time is

when I meet a new client who sheepishly admits that they want a romantic

relationship in spite of believing that they shouldn’t:

“So you’re a “Turtle Dove.”

With this statement, my hope is that I begin to unravel the years of

twisted thinking they’ve been exposed to suggesting that they “need to

learn how to be ok with being alone.” Why should they be alone? Because

they REALLY don’t want to be alone? Because they are uncomfortable and sad

being alone? Because they desire a significant other more than anything

else in their lives? So there must be something wrong with them. They must

be deficient in some way. They must have a “love addiction” or low

self-esteem. Wow. Are we really that sadistic???

Sometimes feeling better in the short term is a trade for long term misery. There are a few reasons you might think twice about reaching out to someone when things are rough.

September is "suicide prevention" month but Dr. Vaughn and Sarah take issue with the phrase after having worked with severely suicidal people for years. Why? For multiple reasons. Listen up to hear why.

"Self-care" is an industry buzzword that gets associated with bath bombs, calming music, and journaling. But what about when traditional "self-care" isn't possible and what if you're the type who does it differently? Dr. Vaughn and Sarah want to put a stop to the shame that can come along with being too damn busy to get a full 8 hours and 8 glasses of water.

Dr. Vaughn and Sarah discuss how to tell whether you are in a "toxic" relationship and what it means about you.

There is no manual on how to manage conflict. In fact, many people are raised to think “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Dr. Vaughn and Sarah discuss and use DBT skills to help give tips on how to have productive conflict, which can be a positive thing. Take a listen today to learn more.