Read it and Weep

Apparently we’re the weird ones here, but we haven’t watched all the Rocky movies. Chris has seen two, Alex three, and this is Tanya’s first. What a way to be introduced to the franchise, huh? Rocky is retired but still rich enough to buy robots for people who don’t want them and watch friends die in the ring.

But he still has what it takes to get punched in the head if that’s what he has to do FOR AMERICA, which he does, ending the cold war.

We’re joined this week by Rocky enthusiast and smart movie reviewer Jeff Bayer of the Movie BS podcast who almost elevates our show but then we don’t quite let him.

“Okay, okay, okay, okay so get this. The Rock, you know how he’s huge, right? What if we dressed–sorry, I can’t stop laughing–what if we dressed his giant ass up in a–I know, I know–what if we dressed him like the tooth fairy? AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Maybe he plays hockey or some shit, the end.” –The Tooth Fairy pitch meeting.

Happy #TheRockTober JohnsTober everybody!

We’re kicking things off in high gear (mixed metaphor) with the 5th and our 3rd Fast & Furious movie we’ve watched in reverse order.

Watch as Vin and Friends drive cars quickly and rob shit. Then watch as The Rock punches Vin and gets punched back. Then watch as they all drive fast and rob shit. All in the name of (mumbles as if at the dentist) la familia.

Two detectives. One is Whoopi Goldberg and the other a t-rex. Guess which one had to be sued into appearing in this film.

Theodore Rex is so bad it raises lots of questions. Well, actually just one: why?

The dinosaur is just an idiot. Why?

The tone is wildly inconsistent from one scene to another. Why?

The dinosaurs are dino-shaped but just humans. Why?

The opening crawl of the movie spoils the ending. Why?

The only answer we have is because it’s the finale of Dinosaurs and Detectives Month!

This one really has nothing to do with dinosaurs or detectives. Actually, it’s about fairies and never questioning anything, so kinda the opposite.

The Ancient Future is about a time traveling, pot smoking, tae-kwon-do fighting… saxophonist who pops back into 6th century AD to fall in love with the pre-incarnation of her brother.

There’s also a dragon and a monogamy griffin. It’s pretty wacky. Goodbad? Maybe. But wacky. Thanks to Rhiannon for sponsoring!

Just like the cereal aisle has Frosted Mini Spooners and Tootie Fruities, so do movies have cheap imitations. A company called Asylum is the Malt-o-Meal of the film industry, pumping out straight-to-dvd knock-offs of big budget films and leaching off the advertising budgets of big studios.

Sherlock Holmes is one such copy, of the Robert Downey Jr action-movie version of 2010. But unlike Rice Crispness, this movie does have an original story, one that nobody has ever attempted before because… it’s stupid. Sherlock Holmes, played punchably by Ben Syder, has to fight a dragon, kracken, and t-rex (albeit steampunk robotic versions of said creatures). It’s… wacky.

Not wacky at all is our sponsor Anna Chandler and her friend Jessica who is getting (or just got) married. I hope you enjoy the gift, Jess, because this is all we got you.

Last year we read a super weird book about dinosaurs disguising themselves in rubber suits so they could be human private investigators. Well, that book was made into a Sci-Fi channel movie that is even more bananas than the book.

Daniel Baldwin (literally the poor man’s Alec Baldwin) stars as a dino in a suit investigating… something. It doesn’t matter. It’s so weird. They’re dinosaurs but they’re not. One is a person pretending to be a dino pretending to be a person. They have sex with dinosaur dongs. I feel like I hallucinated the whole thing.

Enjoy this and stay tuned for even more Dinos & Detectives fun!

It’s the finale of #WetMonth and that means the wettest movie of all time, the only one that was 40% shot under water, James Cameron’s not-a-horror-movie The Abyss!

It’s got aliens, but they’re under water!

It’s got Ed Harris, but he’s under water!

It’s got a submarine, but it’s full of water!

What could be better? Well, a shorter movie with better characters that isn’t so drab and makes more sense. But nothing could be wetter!

Big thank you to Carrie Smith, our newest Meat Buddy!

Felix Gomez is a vampire detective who, instead of detecting, has to go save his girlfriend from a sex zoo on another planet. But instead of doing that he has lots of gun fights with other sexist vampires and runs from a government black ops group who isn’t related to anything. He does have sex with an alien in one of her six vaginas, but not because he wants to.

If that sounds good to you, you’re weird. But at least there’s a book out there for you. For us, it felt like we were the ones trying to escape and it just wasn’t working.

There are a couple things we’re experts on: vampires who date teenagers, movies that are commonly considered to be the worst of all time, and of course, mermaids. But each mermaid story is a bit different. For instance, in this Disney sponsored YA series, the mermaids wear tons and tons of clothes.

Disney’s involvement is one of the more interesting parts, creating a multi-stream franchise that includes books, toys, and hit singles (not actually hits). But the story is the main thing, a princess mermaid who talks forever about the dull palace day-to-day, only to be stopped short when everybody she loves is murdered. She embarks on an exhausting journey where she meets random people who help her or try to kill her.

It’s boring, abruptly shifts tones, and creates a lot of problems. For example, how do you make and eat stew when you live in the ocean? And how does your skin survive the harsh water? And and and…