This week on Real Talk with Rachael I'm chatting with my friend, Sandy Jobe. Sandy is a homemaker who loves to laugh and uses baking as a form of stress release. She is known for her quick wit, bubbly personality, and ability to brighten someone’s day with a homemade treat. She’s the author of a cookbook titled Hearts Gather Here: Making Memories Around the Table - it’s full of great recipes and inspiring family stories. Sandy is also the Women’s Ministries Care Pastor at Gateway Church in Southlake, TX. She and her husband Mark have 3 grown and married children and 5 grandsons.

Key Points from Our Conversation:

• Having a healthy marriage takes two people. That means you have you do your part and allow the Lord to work on your husband. 
• It's easier to blame others instead of owning our mistakes. Pray for your spouse. What we get frustrated by most with them is likely something we wrestle with ourselves. 
• Having a community you can be vulnerable with about your marriage and family struggles is key because it's easy to look at social media and believe the lie everyone's marriage is perfect except yours. Comparison is crippling.
• If you want to change your marriage, be the change agent. Look for practical ways to serve one another. 
• The most common problems in marriage arise over unmet unexpressed expectations. Continue to invest in your marriage by utilizing tools like podcasts, marriage conferences, and books. 
• No matter what season you're in, be grateful. Pray about everything - and everything means every little thing. Nothing is too small to bring to God.
• There is great value in taking time for the table. It creates an opportunity to look your loved ones in the eyes and connect with them. 
• If your home is hectic and chaotic, you need to look at your own soul. 
• We need to be responders, not reactors. If you want something to change, consider changing your verbiage. Ask God what's in your heart that caused you to respond poorly. Step back and ask what your family needs. 

Let’s Get Real Practical:

What are the little things you haven't considered praying about? Commit to praying over those things this week. Don't discount anything. 

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Welcome to the second episode in the Growth Series! We serve a God of growth. When God says grow, nothing we do will stop it from happening. Don’t be mistaken, even when we don’t SEE the growth, it is happening.

If you feel stuck or would love to see growth in different areas of your life, this series is for you. Each week we are focusing on an area of growth. You will notice EVERY week includes spiritual growth because, without it, nothing in our lives will grow.

This week’s topic is Emotional Growth.

Why emotional growth matters:

Last week we discussed how our thoughts affect feelings and feelings (or emotions) affect behaviors. Most people want to skip the feelings part. Emotions are neither good nor bad, rather, they are telling us what is happening in our hearts. Everyone has emotions but we all view and process them differently. According to Gottman Emotion Coaching, there are 7 basic emotions we all share:  sadness, anger, disgust, contempt, fear, surprise, and happiness.

What could be different if you grew strong emotionally: 

You would have more self-control. You would be able to communicate more clearly. You would feel less like a ticking time bomb or volcano ready to erupt. You would form a healthy relationship with your emotions so instead of controlling you, they would help you.

God Growth: Ephesians 4:26, "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger."

TWO things we see here: It’s okay to feel angry, just don’t act out in it. Next, RESOLVE it. If you can’t process right away because you are too upset, that’s okay. But don’t wake up the next day and pretend nothing happened. It’s still there. Be brave enough to deal with it.

Growth Resources:

How People Grow by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman

The emotion wheel

Weekly grow challenge:

Let’s pause for a moment to see your response to two of these basic emotions:

1. When was the last time you remember feeling sad? Did you allow yourself to feel it? Did you tell anyone you felt it (in other words, did you express it)?
2. When was the last time you felt happy? Did you express it? Sometimes when we train ourselves to not feel sad or uncomfortable emotions, we also shut down feeling happy emotions.

Pay attention to your emotions and what you do with them when they come up. Do you feel and express?

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Welcome to The first episode in the Growth Series. We serve a God of growth. Just look all around you. From the beautiful trees and flowers to human beings. When God says grow, nothing we do will stop it from happening. Don’t be mistaken, even when we don’t SEE the growth, it is happening. If you feel stuck or would love to see growth in different areas of your life, this series is for you. Each week we will focus on an area of growth. You will notice EVERY week includes spiritual growth because, without it, nothing in our lives will grow.

This week’s topic is mindset growth.

Why it matters:  Thoughts, feelings, behaviors. Change your mind, change your life.

What could be different if your mindset grew:  You could break barriers.

God Growth: 2 Corinthians 10:5, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

Growth Resource: How People Grow by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend and Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer

Weekly grow challenge: Pay attention to your thoughts. Notice themes. Practice taking them captive.

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This week on Real Talk with Rachael I'm speaking with author Sarah Philpott about her new book The Growing Season: A Year of Down-on-the-Farm Devotions. Sarah is the ECPA Award-nominated author of Loved Baby: 31 Devotions Helping You Grieve and Cherish Your Child After Pregnancy Loss. On her website, she writes about her family, life on a cattle farm in the South, and learning to cherish God’s provisions in joy and sorrow. Also, she doesn't share desserts.

Key Points from Our Conversation:

• "Fallow ground" is soil that has been left unplanted to rest and regenerate. Without rest, the soil loses its nutrients and cannot grow crops. We also need rest in our spiritual lives to fill our souls so that we can pour into others.
• Resting well requires pruning things out of our lives in different seasons. Take inventory of what you've committed to and eliminate the things that don't fit your priorities right now.
• "To grow a little, you've got to cut a little."
• Remember that everything is a season. In busy seasons, you may have to prune "good" things. Choose what you can do well and give yourself grace. No one is doing it all.
• You'll know you're growing spiritually when the attributes of the fruit of the Spirit come more naturally to you.
• Savor the "summer" seasons in your life when everything is blooming. We feel God's presence when we witness how He designed everything in nature to work in harmony.
• Fall is a harvest season that allows you to rejoice in the fruits of your labor.

Let’s Get Real Practical:

Have you ever found yourself frustrated in an area of your life over and over? I have good news for you - the time for growth is here. Some of you might need to plant new seeds, others will see seeds they've been watering finally sprout. Ask God these two questions this week: What area do You want to grow in my life this month? What responsibility do I have for that growth? Then be sure to write down what He says to you.

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This week our topic is your choice.

As I prayed about what the final relationship focus should be, of course, things that were relevant to me came to mind, like kids and extended family members. However, I know many of you listening may not be able to relate to those, so I felt the holy spirit say, “Ask them what relationship I want to restore.” And I sense that He is going to ask you to bring up a hard relationship. You know, the one you want to avoid.

Take a moment to pause and ask God, “What relationship are you bringing up today?”

Think about that person, or group of people, as you read this month’s key verse from 1 Corinthians 13:4:

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."

The part of this verse that stuck out to me as being relevant to relationships for today’s episode is that love is not resentful.

Resentment is a sneaky weed that lodges itself into the soil of our hearts without us even knowing it. Sometimes we feel resentment towards someone and we don’t have a solid reason as to why. It likely started with a small weed, something you thought you could just overlook, but that weed has gotten watered every time that person did or said something that struck the same resentment cord. Before we know it, that relationship is being choked by resentment and will eventually die.

To check for resentment in your relationships, ask these questions:

1. What comes up immediately when I think of this person? If your heart rate speeds up and you get a knot in your stomach (or physical response to a psychological problem) then you might have a root of resentment.
2. Can you talk about it? If you can’t talk about it, it owns you.

The fix for resentment:

1. Talk about it. To God, to trusted friends (not gossip), to a therapist, and finally to the person.
2. Bless and release (day by day)

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The February series we are doing is all about restoring relationships. Last week we chatted about restoring your marriage.  If you missed it, please go back and tune in. This week our topic is friendships. 

Healthy friendships are a treasure. If you find one, you need to hang on to it. But what about when friendships end? It leaves us hurt, raw, vulnerable, and if we aren’t careful, bitter. “If you can’t talk about it, it owns you.” Let’s talk about friendship today so past wounds don’t own us. 

This month’s key verse for these episodes is from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. Think about friendship as you read it:

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends."

Another verse I love when it comes to healthy friendships is Proverbs 27:17, "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."

Two questions to ask about friendship - Do I leave my time with this friend feeling closer to them? Does this friend draw me closer to God?

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This week on Real Talk with Rachael I'm talking with Megan Lacefield. Serving as a Marriage & Family Pastor for years, Megan has seen God work miracles in many marriages, starting with her own. Though she and the love of her life, Chad, started off shaky they landed on solid ground and have been running full steam ever since. With a daughter, Chandler(21), and son Riley (18), their family has shared with thousands their story of redemption, grace, and celebrating God's goodness in the little things. Recently she stepped out in faith into a new season to pursue the dream God put inside her to speak and write. Megan’s heart is that the spoken words or written words found in Everyday Pearls capture the snapshot of His love through even the smallest details of our lives. Strong and bold is Megan’s message of hope for those who feel lost in the shuffle and insignificant in the eyes of God.

Key Points from Our Conversation:

• Megan's revelation that she was raising her grandkid's parents shifted and shaped how she and her husband were doing marriage.
• We don't have the option to quit in the middle of our marriage. Remember that you were intentionally designed with different strengths. We must work in rhythm and know our individual roles.
• Quit quitting on God, yourself, and each other. Marriage is not 50/50, you both have to give 100% of yourself.
• "If you don't remember where you came from, you won't have the strength and courage to move where God wants you to be."
• Defining the goals you're moving toward will take time to develop. Ask each other and your kids what is most important to them. Ask God where He wants to lead you. Destinations are unique.
• 3 questions to craft a family mission statement - What words do you want to describe your family? What do you want your family legacy to be? What’s most important to you?
• When God is calling you to something different, give yourself grace in the discomfort. We lean into God in the discomfort. You don’t have to be okay.
• Be the community you need. Show up for people. Those investments do not return void.
• If you're questioning if someone should be part of your community, ask how you feel after you spend time with them. Do they make you feel closer to God? It's okay if you're not moving in the same direction.
• Sometimes relationships require additional effort. If you feel a burden for someone, ask them what they need and keep asking until they accept the help.

Let’s Get Real Practical:

Take a walk with your spouse and try asking these 3 questions - How do you think I’m doing? How do you think we’re doing? What do you need from me?

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The February series we are doing is all about restoring relationships. We started last week by restoring union with ourselves and the Lord. If you missed it, please go back and tune in.

Since today is Valentine’s day, it seemed fitting to dive right into restoring romantic relationships, with the focus on marriage.

Marriage was God’s idea and the enemy has been wreaking havoc on it since the beginning of time.

Come with me as the Lord steps on our toes about what true love in our marriage or any relationship in our lives should look like. I’m going to move through them slowly. Ask God to highlight any of these areas you need to submit to Him.

Key Verse for the month: "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Valentine's Idea:

Consider writing your spouse a note and let them know what God convicted you of in this verse. Write all the things you love about your spouse and what they do well. Tell them how much you love them no matter what.

Fun resource:  XO Fitness

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It’s the first week in February and chances are many of you have already given up on a new year's resolutions and I’m curious what you're thinking about yourself right now.

We can’t practice self-love without seeking God with our whole entire heart, soul, mind, and strength. How can we love others if we don’t first love ourselves? The answer lies in more time seeking God.

Key Verse for the month: "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Let's look at our key verse analyzed against our relationship with ourselves. Do you treat yourself kind? With patience? Are you irritable? Resentful?

Action steps for this week:

Ask God what is separating you from Him and be willing to get rid of it Turn on worship music Look for the Lord throughout your day in fun way Read the Bible

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This week on Real Talk with Rachael I'm chatting with author Gary Thomas about his book Married Sex: A Christian Couple's Guide to Reimagining Your Love Life. Gary is a writer in residence at Second Baptist Church in Houston, Texas, and an adjunct faculty member teaching on spiritual formation at Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon, and Houston Theological Seminary in Houston, Texas. He is the author of 20 books, including When to Walk Away, Sacred Pathways, Cherish, and Sacred Marriage (over one million copies sold). He has a master's degree from Regent College and was awarded an honorary doctorate in divinity from Western Seminary. Gary has spoken in 49 states and 10 different countries. Key Points from Our Conversation:

• Healthy sex should include 3 main components - it should be mutually pleasurable, affirm the relationship, and honor God.
• “It’s very different when you use sex to cherish your spouse rather than using your spouse to cherish sex.”
• The first toward redirecting unhealthy sex is to find out what's not working. It may be theological, relational, physical, or creative.
• The Bible celebrates the sexual relationship between husband and wife in Song of Songs. It's a gift from God that provides pleasure, creates life, and bonds us relationally.
• For sex to thrive it has to be mutually pleasurable. There is nothing sinful or selfish about wanting to experience pleasure - God designed your body for it.
• Common "sexpecations" - Because you love each other sex will be amazing. You'll always desire your spouse sexually. Sex will always be easy. Sex is primarily for men.
• All five senses create their own sense of sexual pleasure. By being intentional about these areas, you can create a different kind of sexual experience.

Let’s Get Real Practical:

There are only two practical steps for you to follow this week - buy Married Sex then read and discuss it with your spouse.

Resources Mentioned:

Debra Fileta

Episode Sponsor:

How to Communicate Effectively with Your Spouse or Loved Ones – a one-page document with 6 easy steps to communicate your thoughts and feelings you can use in any tough conversation.

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