RealPositiveGirl - Weekly Encouragement & Mental Health

This episode is not about meal prepping or organizing or laundry prep for the week ahead. I am sharing ways more focused on mindset & emotional management to have a great week.

Show Notes:
I know a lot of people like to get ready for the week ahead on Sunday with meal planning & prepping, laundry, to-do lists and all kinds of things. And I think that’s great. Whatever you can do to to feel prepared for the week ahead (if you care about that) will be beneficial.I personally don’t any big prep for the week ahead because despite knowing mostly what is going to happen that upcoming week, I still want to leave room for flexibility. And it’s also because I already struggle with being a control freak & don’t want to feed too much into that behavior as much as I can. But if I need to do laundry to ensure I have clothes to wear for Monday’s workout & work that day, sure I’ll do some laundry. But I’m not going to do all the laundry in the house or anything like that. When I think about preparing for the week ahead, I personally like to lean more into preparing my mind & emotions for whatever is scheduled to happen & what is likely to happen. We are still staying away from being too controlling.

This brings me to what I wanted to chat with you about today: How to have a great week.

I want to talk about real ways for you to have a great week. And it’s not gonna be typical answers like making sure every single room is clean or meal prepping or journaling or anything you would typically read on a list on pinterest or anything. And again, there is nothing wrong with those lists, but I think the list I am about to give you will really help your mindset & emotions give you a really great week.

Here are 10 ways to have a great week:

1. Don’t pretend you’re happy when you’re not. (Don’t allow your emotions to build-up and bubble over by the end of the week.)
2. Remember that one down experience doesn’t have to dictate the rest of the day or week.
3. Remember that only you are in control of your emotions, including reactions & responses.
4. Confirm your appointments. (Wasted time is the worst, so doing your best to prevent that from happening is worth it.)
5. Stop yourself when you start to compare yourself. (It’s not worth it & the quicker you can catch yourself in the act the better you’ll get at not doing it as much.)
6. Manage your expectations. 
7. Ask for help. (If there is something you know would work out better with some help, then just ask for help. If you get a no, that’s fine. But at least try to get the help you need or want to create more ease & efficiency in life.)
8. Set alarms to take breaks & eat snacks/meals. (I have trouble stopping to eat or take a break when I am deeply focused, so having a reminder to do those things is really helpful in minimizing any stress that would happen later for not doing those things. You can set reminders for anything you need help remembering to do.)
9. Don’t allow other people’s moods to affect your mood. (They can be upset without you joining in. Misery doesn’t need company.)
10. Remember that you’re still making progress even with mistakes, failures & steps backward.

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Just because they are family doesn't mean you have to deal with their disrespect, expectations & projected pain. Here are some tips for dealing with toxic family members.

Show Notes:
The moment I realized that I didn’t have to like my family was one of the best days of my life.

And I know that sounds really bad & negative & whatever you may think, but I mean it when I say that no longer holding on to the obligation that I needed to embrace every single one of my family members or have a relationship with them or even really like them was such a wonderful feeling for me. I truly let go of such a huge burden.

I wasn’t really introduced to the idea of choosing your family until I got into college and away from all the chaos I grew up in. And it wasn’t that I had never met anyone that had a rough upbringing or struggled with their family like I did, but the people I was meeting in that time period were following through with those feelings & creating separation. I wasn’t doing that before college, just enduring the pain of these relationships.

But finally coming to the understanding that just because you were born into this family doesn’t mean they have to be your forever family. I’m not saying you need to throw it all away at your first chance, but if you put in the effort to try to figure it out with them & better the relationship but still nothing changes, feel free to move on.

And if you’re listening to this episode when it releases, peak holiday time, you’ll understand that being with family & navigating those relationships can be really difficult during this time of year. But even when it’s not holiday time, it can still be tough. And since this can be an ongoing battle, I wanted to chat about some of the best ways to deal with family members that are toxic or just not healthy for you to be around and some reminders that will help you not get stuck in thinking you’re obligated to anything.

Here’s some advice on how to deal with unhealthy family members:

1. You get to choose how much time you spend with them.
2. It’s acceptable to have personal boundaries with family members. (Expect respect)
3. You’re not obligated to share personal details about your life just because you’re related.
4. You can be different & do different things than the people in your family.
5. You don’t owe your family anything.
6. You’re not obligated to have a relationship with these people.
7. You can assign anyone you want as family.

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Sometimes we can freeze up & not know how to deal with people we don't like or that bother us. I have some tips on how to manage those interactions & make it better than it normally is.

Show Notes:
We are coming up on the holiday and time of year when we may be forced to spend time with people we do not enjoy. People that drive us crazy or bother us on that extra level we only reserve for those we actively avoid most other times of the year. And it doesn’t matter what it is that bothers you about them, it’s the fact that you, knowingly, have to force yourself to get through the interaction because without calling on all your patience, grace & manners, you’d give up in the first 5 minutes.

Thanksgiving & the rest of the holiday season is upon us, which sometimes means the reemergence of people we don’t like ending up at our family events. And that can feel like a lot.

I know it might sound harsh to admit there are people you don’t like, especially if they are your family, but you aren’t required to like everyone, just as not everyone is going to like you. It’s perfectly natural & acceptable. 

But sometimes we don’t know what to do to be nice enough or how to get through these events as easily as possible, which is why I wanted to talk about it today & the best ways to deal with people you don’t like.

Before we get into the list of tips, I want to take a moment to address people pleasers.

If you are a people pleaser, despite doing everything in your power to do best for everyone, there are still people you don’t like or enjoy being around. Maybe you have trouble admitting it, but you know it’s true. And I want to caution you (and really everyone) that you could, very well, hit your limit of putting up with people’s crap & being overly nice that if you aren’t managing your emotions well enough, it might all blow up in front of you. Sometimes that might mean an outburst or tears or a complete shutdown. So just be aware that if you pile on more catering to others than you can handle, you WILL reap the consequences.

Now, here are some tips are on how to deal with people you don’t like:

1. Accept that not everyone will like you. 
2. Remember that only YOU have control over how you react or respond. 
3. Widen Your Perspective.
4. Switch-up your conversation topics. 
5. Interact the same way others do with them. 
6. Know when to walk away. 
7. Figure out why this person bothers you. 

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Disappointment is another emotion we need to face head-on and not just sweep under the rug. If we don't honor & try to understand it, we could fall deep into apathy & depression.

Show Notes:
I think one of the worst things I do is brush disappointment away too soon and not deal with it to better understand it. And that probably sounds counterintuitive to what I talk about with honoring and accepting your emotions, but I struggle with seeing disappointment as something that needs to be focused on because I know that letting it fester too long will cause more issues and a possible trip to your pit of despair.

But there is a way to balance it out by not letting disappointments overwhelm you but to lean into understanding how you feel better.

And it’s important to find a balance because being disappointed is a part of life and not something we can run away from. We will be disappointed when things don’t go the way we would like, we will be disappointed in people and in ourselves. It’s going to happen, so knowing how to deal with it will help you not allow it to overtake you.

Sometimes people think that you can avoid dealing with disappointment by not having any expectations, but it’s basically impossible to not have any expectations for anything in life. There’s no way for you to not believe or think something is gonna happen or not happen. It’s natural to think one way or another.

But it’s also important to remember that the feeling of disappointment doesn’t have to last too long if you don’t want it to. You can just experience it as it comes and let it fade away as you honor it and let it go. This is the same with any other emotion. And yes, some last longer or shorter but if you let it, these will pass on.

Today I wanted to share with you some tips on how to deal with disappointment in the healthiest way possible:

1. Show Yourself Compassion
2. Sit With Your Feelings Instead of Brushing These Off (what are you feeling beneath the surface?)
3. Don’t Let These Experiences Change How You See Yourself (it’s an experience, not a classification)
4. Pick Out the Positive Moments (silver linings)
5. Manage Your Expectations

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It's worth it for people to become annoyed or to be all bent out of shape because you start exhibiting behaviors & mindsets that demonstrate mental & emotional growth and possibly get in the way of them taking advantage of you to make their life easier.

Show Notes:
As a people pleaser, annoying people is ALWAYS at the bottom of the list because it basically goes against the CODE of ethics for people pleasers. You can’t please people when you are annoying them. So if you’re a people pleaser, like I was & am still sometimes, what I am going to suggest in this episode MIGHT be difficult for you.

Today I want to talk about how exhibiting mental & emotional growth is going to annoy some people. It’s the same thing as when you start having & enforcing personal boundaries. You let people know that you now have boundaries & they get all upset because it affects them in a way that no longer allows them to manipulate & overstep their bounds with you. They usually feel like it makes their life harder. And this same thing happens when you start to grow as a person. 

When you start to be someone that people don’t recognize or isn’t comfortable for them, they get annoyed. And maybe not everyone is annoyed, but choose your synonym and it’s something similar. The nice part is that some people will just accept you for who you are becoming and others will take an adjustment period but will come around to acceptance of who you are becoming. Unfortunately, there will be people that will pitch a fit because you are giving them less access to you & that usually means more work, responsibility & accountability for them.

Something else that happens is people will get annoyed with you for growing & changing into a better version of yourself while they are not. They could be jealous of your growth, or upset that you will no longer be equals, maybe they have fear that you will get more attention than they will now that you’re different, or the old classic of, “misery loves company,” so they don’t want anyone else to be happy because they aren’t happy. Whatever the reason, it’s not helpful, nor is it something anyone wants to deal with. The problem is that we all will deal with some of this at some level because when other people close to us change, it usually means we need to change to either accommodate them or move on from the relationship. Either of those sucks for most people because it’s a level of change we probably weren’t expecting.

So let’s jump into some mindsets & behaviors that come with emotional growth, but are likely to annoy people that don’t enjoy people changing or becoming their best self:

1. Sharing Your Honest Feelings
2. Creating Distance in Relationships
3. Asserting Yourself
4. Making Your Own Decisions
5. Changing Your Mind

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Fulfillment isn't just being happy, it's deeper than that. It 's connected to your values & your true self. Here are some tips on how to have a more fulfilling life.

Show Notes:

A lot of people equate fulfillment with happiness, but it’s not a direct synonym for happiness. When you are fulfilled, you can also be happy, but there is something deeper there than just happiness. Plus, happiness can be a temporary feeling, but that’s not how fulfillment works. 

Fulfillment isn’t just the act of being successful at something or completing something. It’s a combination of your mental & emotional state with those accomplishments & your dreams & aspirations. Fulfillment has been defined as a combination of feeling content and satisfied, while also being the total use of someone’s abilities and talents. And, of course, this will look different for everyone depending on what you personally value in life. If you value having a family but don’t have any kids, you might not feel fulfilled. If you value having a steady, leadership position, you might feel fulfilled if you land a job that gives you those leadership opportunities and the comfort of knowing you’re locked into that position. So, it’s not a cookie-cutter formula.

When you are fulfilled, you have the clarity needed to know what you want in your life. You have defined what your goals are, how you want to spend your life & what you need to do to be successful in your desires. You’re also aligned with those goals, desires and the direction in life you are moving in. And everything doesn’t need to be perfect or right for you to feel fulfilled. You can have this feeling while deep in your struggles because you know you are doing it all for a reason that connects back to what you’re working towards.

It’s also important to note that you can change what contributes to you feeling fulfilled. We all go through different seasons of life and things change, so it’s natural that your goals & aspirations would change, too. It’s okay if what you’re doing now no longer fulfills you. We grow & change as people every single day, so what we want to do will change, too. And your feelings of fulfillment will run deeper as you open yourself up more personal growth & becoming your best self every single day.

But maybe you are asking, “Why is being fulfilled important, Sabrina?” And it’s a valid question. When you are fulfilled, you are more accepting of who you are and end up feeling more content with your life & everything that happens, good or bad, because it’s all connected. You’ll have more clarity on what’s important to you and will really be tapping into that self-worth with caring less about what other people think or say in regards to what you’re doing with your life.

Here are some tips on how you can feel more fulfilled in life:

1. Live life as your authentic self
2. Leave your comfort zone
3. Clearly define what matters to you (goals, accomplishments, legacy, abilities, skills, relationships, ect)
4. Don’t compare yourself to others
5. Don’t fight mistakes & failures
6. Practice gratitude
7. Contribute/make a difference towards something you feel connected to

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We need to make sure we are using healthy methods of coping with our stressors & traumas and not coping mechanisms that end up making things worse in the end.

Show Notes:
I’ve hit rock bottom many times in life, but there was a particular time I hit rock bottom while dealing with people pleasing way too much. My whole existence, at that time, came crashing down when I revealed to my husband that I had a habit of cutting myself. And I didn’t just casually tell him I was doing it. I ended up doing it in front of him in a moment of rage. It was not good. And it’s probably one of the times in my life I regret the way I was handling my stress the most. I didn’t know how to cope in a healthy way.

When we are going through things that cause us stress or is traumatic, we end up adopting a way to handle whatever is going on so we don’t break down completely. It’s a way for us to hang in there through what we’re going through & manage our painful & difficult emotions. What we choose to do is known as a coping mechanism. And it’s very very important that we choose a coping mechanism that is healthy & not unhealthy, which will only lead to more problems in the long run.

And when we talk about events that cause us stress or trauma, I don’t mean just negative experiences. Things like breakups, divorce, abuse or grief will for sure benefit from healthy coping mechanisms, but also events like having a child, getting married or even purchasing a home can cause stress that can lead to needing a healthy way to cope. So don’t just believe this is for when life feels bad, it can be for when life feels good & we’re grateful, but it’s a tough shift we are making in life.

Today we are going to look at 5 different types of coping mechanisms with examples of each.

But before we get into that, we are going to discuss some unhealthy coping mechanisms that people adopt, thinking it will help when it really causes more harm than help.

Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms:

• Procrastination
• Isolating/Withdrawing
• Criticizing Others
• Refusing Help from Others
• Abusing Substances
• Blaming Yourself
• Over-Spending
• Self Harm

Now let’s dive into the 5 different types of coping mechanisms that can be really helpful:

1. Self-Soothing 
2. Distractions
3. Do the Opposite 
4. Emotional Awareness 
5. Mindfulness 

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Here is your part 2 from how to know you struggle with victim mentality to knowing what to do to stop being a victim. Living life with a victim mentality will only trap you in the life you have now & prevent any growth or change.

Show Notes:
It’s all you, friend. It’s all you to make those decisions & move forward with those changes. You have to be the one that makes that decision and moves forward with creating change in your life without anyone else making you do it or forcing you to do it with manipulation or threats or anything. It has to be you.

We have to take responsibility for our own lives. We cannot wait on other people to do the work for us or force us to do anything or complain until someone else does it or even blame someone else for not doing it for us. No, we have to experience the struggles and the failures and the mistakes and realize that it doesn’t always need to be about us. 

Plus, victim mentality has such a great effect on the relationships in our lives with the complaining, blaming & neediness that comes with this mindset. People in our lives aren’t going to stick through all of that for too long or with a ton of dedication because it can become very wearing on people to deal with all that. Victim mentality will also keep you where you are, pretending to be helpless and not achieving your goals or moving forward in life. And I know that’s not where anyone wants to be.

We need to look inward and recognize the trauma & the pain, then figure out our healing journey so we can release ourselves from these mindsets and behaviors. But understand that none of this can happen if you haven’t determined if victim mentality is a struggle of yours and how much. Once you do that, you can move forward to healing & growth.

This episode is a continuation and a part 2 of the episode right before this that speaks on how to know if you are struggling with victim mentality. So if you aren’t sure if that is something you are doing or not, you can listen to that episode first and it will help you determine that. 

Today we are going to talk about how to stop having a victim mentality & take responsibility for our lives & be accountable in what we need to do:

1. Notice the Role You Play 
2. Take Ownership of Your Wants & Needs 
3. Identify Your Limiting Beliefs
4. Deal With Your Anger 
5. Practice Gratitude
6. Stop Blaming & Consider Your Part
7. Realize You Are in Control of Your Life 

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Waiting around for someone else to take care of your problems isn't going to change anything for you, isn't going to help you grow & become stronger or make your life easier. Thinking that you need someone to rescue you will only make you weaker, actually.

Show Notes:
When I was a child, my mother (who was as drug addict and not the parent I lived with full time) would tell me all the time that she would come rescue me from my dad and that we would eventually live together. And I believed her for years because my dad was so bitter from everything happening in his life (there was a ton of sucky things that DID happen to him unfairly) and struggled with his own issues, he wasn’t the best parent. He did the best HE knew how to do, that was also wrapped up in generational pain, but it wasn’t the parent that I wanted to live with when I was younger. I wanted the one that showed me love and care and attention. And I held onto hope that she was going to rescue me from my dad until the day she passed away. And obviously, that didn’t happen.

I know this story isn’t going to translate directly to what a lot of us go through in terms of waiting for someone to rescue us from our unhappiness, disappointment, problems, struggles, fears or insecurities. But it is an example of waiting so long for someone to come along & take us away from our pain & hardships that never actually happens. Sometimes we will wait for so long, only to find out that the thing we thought would save us is no longer there and we end up having to figure it out on our own anyway.

And I don’t think we should waste our time waiting for something else to do the work we can try to figure out on our own or ask someone else to assist or teach us on. We don’t need to sit in this victim mentality that tells us that we don’t have the power to fight back & move past whatever is trying to come against us. We can push back and find our own way to be happy again or problem solve our struggles or face our fears or understand & strengthen our insecurities. We can do the work, we are not incapable to taking care of ourselves and what we do does not need to be perfect.

In today’s episode, I want to talk about how we can tell whether or not we are struggling with a victim mentality and in the next episode (coming out on Monday - Halloween!) I will talk about what we can do to shift away from victim mentality.

Here is how you can tell you are living life with a victim mentality:

1. Blaming other people for you feelings or situations.
2. Making your problems bigger than it is.
3. Thinking the world is out to get you.
4. Always using your struggles to justify your toxic behavior.
5. You think everyone is purposely trying to hurt you.
6. You find things to complain about, even when things go well.
7. You refuse to see your struggles through other perspectives.
8. Not doing anything to improve your life.

Thanks for listening, downloading & sharing the show.
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No longer feel shame or awkwardness of expressing an emotion that is something other than happiness because being angry/sad/depressed/anxious or whatever is healthy & will help you heal from your experience & understand yourself better.

Show Notes:
When you’re depressed or angry or really sad or any emotion that someone would label as far from happy, it can feel like you’re only choice to release yourself from those emotions is to throw yourself into full on happiness or positivity. But it’s FAKE happiness or positivity because you are forcing it, so it’s not really going to work.

And despite the fact that we know this may not solve the real problem, we STILL have people out here telling others to just ‘be happy’ or ‘suck it up’ or ‘you can’t be sad/mad/however you’re feeling because it’s not going to help.’ And THIS is where I needed to step in and make a podcast episode about how that is incorrect.

When we avoid our emotions, we end up delaying necessary healing that would actually provide us with more perspective & understanding of who we are, what triggers us, going deeper on why we react the way we do & what would be the best ways for us to respond to situations that may draw out a lot of emotions. The biggest point is that we aren’t taking the time to honor our emotions & accept that we have emotions for a reason, to express how we feel about what’s happening around us. Why wouldn’t we want to share those or cover those up with fake ones that don’t accurately represent who we are?

And before you get into a thought process of not wanting to be known as someone that gets angry or has depression or any emotion that is not happiness, if that is what you want, you want to be a robot. I promise you, there is NO ONE that is only feeling happy and positive all the time. And if they tell you they are only ever happy or content, they are lying. I will die on this hill. They are lying. 

Everyone experiences up emotions and down emotions and middle-of-the-pack emotions. They just don’t want to tell you that because they haven’t worked on that insecurity yet. And that’s fine. We work on the things we believe are most important and it’s our prerogative. But don’t believe for a SECOND that there are people out there that are ONLY positive. It’s a facade.

So today I wanted to discuss some feelings that actually contribute to your personal healing journey that others may label as ‘bad’ or ‘not right’ or even ‘innappropriate.’ My goal is you understand these feelings are perfectly healthy to experience & should be accepted without shame:

1. Feeling uncomfortable around certain people and needing to end relationships.
2. Feeling unsure and lost in your current season of life & looking for direction.
3. Feeling anger or frustration or sadness or lonliness that feels all of a sudden.
4. Feeling the need to be alone.
5. Feeling worried or anxious about something others deem normal.
6. Feeling sad when things are changing for the better.
7. Feeling hurt or offended or disrespected even when others don’t feel the same.

Thanks for listening, downloading & sharing!! You're the BEST!

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