RealPositiveGirl - Weekly Encouragement & Mental Health

Procrastination is a waste of your time & space in your mind. It's better to find your way to the other side of whatever it is than to wait until the last possible moment & induce stress.

Show Notes:
If procrastination station is a real place, then I am the queen of that domain.

I am a hard core procrastinator, which really feeds into my struggles with perfectionism. If you struggle with perfectionism, you often struggle with procrastination because you don’t want to let anyone down, you don’t anything less than the absolute best & you can’t be seen as anything less than acceptable. So putting things off means you are delaying any possible mistakes & failures, but you also believe you need to wait until the last minute so you have as much time as possible to come up with the best way to do whatever it is.

But despite procrastinators feeling like they have the perfect reasons for putting things off, it’s still not the best way to live your life. Waiting until the last possible moment puts a ton of stress on you and possible others involved. And just because you waited longer than others would to follow through with something or make a decision, it doesn’t mean you actually spend more time considering what the best option is. You probably spend more time figuring out how you get out of it or contribute the least so you don’t have to put yourself on the line for whatever the outcome is. And the choice you end up going with may not be available anymore, so you are taking bigger risks than you realize with waiting until the very end to move forward.

And I understand that there is more to putting stuff off than fear of how it will look if anything other than something positive happens. I know it can be a lot to get yourself going to do something you don’t want to do or something that seems very different than you’re used to. Or even just lacking the will to do anything at all, so everything gets procrastinated. These reasons will need a little more attention to understand the core reasons why this is.

But I want you to know there is hope for change in your procrastination habits. The better you understand yourself and know what type of events/experiences lead you to procrastination, the easier it will be to catch yourself in the act & get yourself moving forward again. It can be very helpful when you start to call yourself out.

And for you to start doing that & no longer allowing procrastination to hold you hostage, you need to know what you can do to deal with procrastination. Here are some tips on how to work on this struggle:

1. Admit to yourself that you have an issue with procrastination. 
2. Spend time really figuring out WHY you’re procrastinating. 
3. Take small steps & make it manageable. 
4. Time it or get help with it.
5. Consider the consequences. 
6. Find someone to keep you accountable. 
7. Get organized, have rewards in place, set goals, take breaks, eliminate distractions, ect.

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When we let go of something or someone it can be easy for us to immediately blame ourselves as the reason it happened. Which sometimes is true, but mostly it's just the best decision at the time. But here are 7 examples of what letting go is & isn't.

Show Notes:
Letting go of something or someone can be so devastating. And with the pain of letting go, your mind can be swirling with thoughts & emotions & assumptions of what your role is in having to let go of whatever it is. 

One of the most common thoughts is that whatever happened was your fault & you are the one that is the problem and the broken one. And while that might be true in some circumstances, it’s for sure not going to be true all the time.

It’s important to take responsibility for what we do wrong or our actions that lead to someone else feeling hurt or not keeping someone else’s feelings in mind based on what we know about them because that is the right thing to do. But just because something or someone is no longer in our lives doesn’t mean we were to blame for the separation. And sometimes we are to blame because we made the decision (with strength or forced because it was needed) on purpose, knowing it would be good for us in the long run. But either way, there is a loss, a separation that happens & we need to understand what that means so it’s easier to cope with.

This is why today I wanted to to to talk about what it actually means to let go & some examples of what it doesn’t mean, so we are not sitting in our pit of despair longer than we need to:

1. Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care anymore, but that you could be tired.
2. Letting go doesn’t mean you won’t regret letting go, but that you are making a change that is healthy for you.
3. Letting go doesn’t mean you aren’t scared of what will happen in the future, but believe that you have a fresh start to find out what’s next for you.
4. Letting go doesn’t mean you won’t ever think about it again, but that you will see more & more why you needed to let go.
5. Letting go doesn’t mean you are immediately ok, but that you are working towards feeling better & forgiving (if necessary).
6. Letting go doesn’t mean you aren’t a nice person, but that you are no longer being held captive by other people’s expectations.
7. Letting go doesn’t mean you know exactly what to do next to move forward, but that you are open to multiple options.

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Self-esteem can sometimes be seen as an umbrella for all the feelings & emotions & beliefs we have about ourselves when it's really a little more granular than that. Knowing the differences & how to build on each one separately gives you the ability for both to work together stronger.

Show Notes:
I wish I had known these things could be seen separately growing up because I probably would have focused on improving only one sooner than later. And I wouldn’t have believed that I needed to feel both good about my body & value and appreciate myself to have some semblance of accepting myself.

And the concept of thinking of these things separately is actually REALLY helpful because it allows you to see how each side can be built-up & worked on, while also seeing which one is naturally higher & easier to lean into. Because as I mentioned before, I never thought of these things as separate, but together and needing to win at both to have any self-acceptance or confidence at all. And I’m sure I’m not alone in that experience.

So let’s jump into talking about body confidence first.

The basic idea of being body confident is that you feel comfortable in the body you have & don’t feel intense pressures to conform to a different body type or have overwhelming shame on what you look like. It’s being comfortable, no matter the shape or size, and believe that your body doesn’t define everything about you.

It’s also about knowing that your body doesn’t have to be a certain size to accomplish goals or be accepted the same as others. There is prejudice with these things, but outside of those people, it doesn’t matter.

Here are some ways you can work on strengthening your body confidence:

1. Separate your self-worth from how you feel about how you look.
2. Focus on what you are proud of about yourself.
3. Cut back on comparing yourself to others.
4. Don’t limit what you think you can do based on your body.
5. Focus on being healthy, not a certain body type & size.

And now we move on to talking about self-esteem.

Self-esteem is based in how you value & appreciate yourself. This is different than self-confidence, which is based in how much you believe in your skills, abilities & experiences to carry you through life. When you think about valuing and appreciating yourself, you are focusing on the health of your self-worth and if you see yourself as equal to others, it’s about the opinions and beliefs you have about yourself. 

And it can feel really difficult to change the way you think about yourself because of past experiences & other judgments and opinions you have received. But it is possible if you’re able to separate what is actually true and what is assumed or fabricated.

Here are some ways you can work on strengthening your self-esteem:

1. Identify what you’re good at.
2. Learn to accept compliments. (Instead of going down the rabbit hole of thinking they only said something because of this or that, just take it in stride.)
3. Shift your self-talk from self-cruelty to self-compassion.
4. Focus on what you can change in your life.
5. Don’t live in the past with mistakes, failures and unforgiveness.

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Feeling invisible & insignificant is soul-crushing. But there is a way out of this mindset by focusing on growing your self-awareness, leaning into vulnerability & pulling away from people-pleasing behaviors. Here are 8 tips that can help you on this journey.

Show Notes:
I think I have made 3 or 4 videos about this topic over the last week or so because it’s really been hitting me hard. And a lot of my life was spent believing I was less than everyone else & insignificant because it always felt like no one noticed me or cared what I was doing. I would often describe it as feel invisible.

But I was also a people pleaser, so that didn’t help because my main job as a people pleaser was to make sure everyone else was front & center. I was highlighting everyone else & not spending any time on myself. So I actually think it’s funny (only in retrospec, of course) because I was so determined to put myself last, yet still had this feeling of being invisible & not wanting to be. It’s like a part of me was crying out to be released from this people-pleaser behavior but didn’t have strong enough will to do so.

But this is a struggle many of us have but don’t speak up about because despite the fact that we want to be recognized, we don’t want to look selfish by bringing those feelings up. It feels like a catch-22 and you can’t win either way. But you can, it’s just that the only way you can win is by honoring those emotions you have and digging deeper into where those feelings came from, how those were developed, why you continue to believe these limiting beliefs & what you are willing to do to be free from feeling like this so often.

Another reason this is so important to talk about is because it is soul-crushing to walk around and live your life believing you are invisible & not as worthy as other people. Some days it won’t bother you as much, other days it will eat you alive, and other days still it will fester into nasty comparison with jealousy & envy on board. It’s not a good situation.

So let’s talk about how we can pull away from this mindset of feeling invisible & insignificant and more towards something more neutral in the least or even inching towards more appreciation:

1. Be aware of what triggers these feelings. (Then honor those emotions)
2. What is the fear that is holding you in this mindset? (being judged for who you are? For your insecurities? For not being at the same level as someone else?)
3. Are you participating in your life? (If you are checked out and not trying to foster relationships, or share your own opinions, shake up your routine, try new experiences, then you’re not trying to enjoy your life.)
4. Work on setting personal boundaries & dialing back people-pleaser behaviors.
5. Release the need to compare yourself to others.
6. Celebrate what you’ve done & what you’re working towards.
7. Create a plan to push you toward a goal. (take small steps, find something that brings you joy, it doesn’t have to be something big, either.)
8. Put time into improving your self-confidence. (start with working on self-awareness, accept your mistakes & failures and keep challenging yourself.)

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Instead of convincing yourself that you are only being a top-notch planner instead of the intense worrier that you are, come learn the differences between worrying & planning so you can call yourself when you need to.

Show Notes:
I am both a top-notch worrier & planner. I LOVE planning things down to the nitty gritty details, while also almost worrying myself to death because of the fear of something not turning out the way I was hoping or expecting. I know I’m not alone in this. And often I try to play off my worrying as elaborate planning, but that usually doesn’t work. 

It’s common for people to think they are planning when they are actually worrying. But it’s also common for people to think someone is worrying when they are actually just doing a great job planning. I’m sure you can see how knowing the difference between these 2 can be confusing & tricky sometimes. 

And let’s not forget about the negative connotation that worrying has on it. People never want to be labeled as a ‘worrier’ because it’s deemed something we shouldn’t be & could be seen as weak or struggling or incapable of managing our emotions to other people. And even though we are not supposed to be caring about other people’s opinions, it’s still tough.

There is a place for both worry & planning. I know worrying isn’t a good habit to have, but it’s a natural response to have when you are in the midst of something unknown & whether or not the end result will be positive causes some concern. It’s what happens when you are connected to whatever is at stake. 

And of course planning is important because it’s helpful to get ahead of a situation that involves a lot activities, actions, people, places, all the things. Planning ensures experiences happen with the least amount of issues & struggles, while also accounting for everything needed & how it all should go. But there is a line that can be crossed that takes it further than it should, you know?

That’s why today I wanted to go over the differences between worrying & planning:

1. When you worry, you have tons of thoughts racing through your mind. When you are planning, you are intentionally coming up with ideas, solutions & spending time brainstorming.
2. Worrying isn’t helpful or productive because it doesn’t initiate any action for things to change. Planning is very helpful & productive in whatever you’re trying to accomplish.
3. Worrying is listing all the ways you aren’t prepared. Planning is listing all the ways you are prepared.
4. When you worry, you focus on what’s outside of your control & make decisions based in fear. When you plan, you decide what to do based on what you can control.
5. When you worry, you aren’t clear in what you need from others because you’re focused on the unknown. When you plan, you are very clear in what you need from others because you’re basing it on what you do know.
6. When you worry, you come up with so many worst-case scenarios without developing a solution for the problem. When you plan, you come up with a backup plan to any worst-case scenarios you come up with.
7. Worrying feels like it will never end (held hostage). Planning thoughts can stop when a plan has been decided on.

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Change is going to happen whether we like it or not. And I don't think we have to like it when it happens, but it's important to understand the pros of change happening & the cons of change, but also how those things may be annoying, but beneficial.

Show Notes:
I have been that person that gets excited for change & really wants change, but also equally experiences a ton of fear alongside those feelings of excitement. You don’t have to only experience one thing with everything else being off limits. But I think I experience change this way because I have a ton of hope for the future & how like can get better. Even when life is already good.

But I know a ton of people struggle with making changes & following through with changes because of the fear of the unknown, the actions needed to follow through with change, the sadness of moving away from something we found comfortable & easy, and the uncomfortability of having to learn some new things. There is a lot that comes with change that forces us to step outside of our comfort zones & grow. And growth isn’t always fun.

You might think you are welcoming of change, but here are a few examples of behaviors that demonstrate avoiding change:

• Staying in a job despite being unfulfilled
• Knowing you’re unhappy but still not changing
• You cling to your routine for fear of things falling apart
• You bail on new plans & ideas despite wanting to participate

But, like most things, there are two sides of change we should be aware of & understand. There are cons, which are usually the things people enjoy pointing out first because focusing on the negative is much easier than the positive. And there are the pros. And when it comes to change, the pros usually feel like the longest motivational speech there is that we have no desire to listen to. And it’s these 2 reasons I thought it would be helpful to go over the pros & cons of change in a way that isn’t so boring or fearful and negative.

Here are the CONS of Change:

1. You have to do something different & new.
2. You have to do something that takes away from something else (save money, less time with certain people, go somewhere different, work harder on the side hustle than chill time on the couch)
3. You have to endure new pains & problems.
4. Having to go through mistakes & failures.
5. Having lack of control over what’s happening.

Here are the PROS of Change:

1. New opportunities you wouldn’t have otherwise experienced. (jobs, skills, people, places, ect.)
2. You move on from unhelpful habits, experiences & situations. (If you lose someone you love, if you have to give something up, if you have to move, if you’re forced to do something in a new way)
3. You’ll start a new adventure.
4. Challenges your personal perspective on everything in your life. (This can be our attitude to be more grateful or to see someone else’s life differently or how to achieve a goal in a different way, understand how we might need to evaluate how we run our lives)
5. You’ll build a stronger mindset the more you experience & ‘make-it-through’ change. (The fear will also diminish over time, too.)

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You can be busy because you got a lot of stuff to do, but often we will keep ourselves busy, on purpose, because we believe it serves us in some way. But let's actually get to the bottom of why you're keeping yourself so busy.

Show Notes:
I’m sure I’m not the first to experience this. I’m not the first to keep myself busy to feel alive and fulfilled & like I’m worth something because I have things to do. Many people keep themselves booked & busy to fill that emptiness & longing to be worthy to others. We want to feel important & in demand. When really, if we examine who we REALLY are & all that we do, we would see we are worthy just being alive & who we are. We don’t need to overcompensate to be worthy to others.

Just as I mentioned in my personal experience, if you stay too busy for too long, you could increase anxious feelings & stress, which can lead to burnout. But sometimes staying busy can be a result of first being restless. Your anxiety could already be high, leading to restlessness, which then leads to staying busy, even when you’re exhausted because you feel like you HAVE to do something. High anxiety can cause your body to be in a constant state of fight or flight, even without imminent danger. So you end up doing the most for no real reason.

Staying busy can even be seen as a coping mechanism. You keep your schedule so full that you don’t have time to think about any problems that need solving, any emotions that need to be unpacked or any personal growth that needs attention. Staying busy is your way of hiding from all of those things & more.

I do what to address the idea that staying busy can help keep your mind healthy. I know this is a common suggestion for elderly folks and can see how this would be helpful as our minds age. It’s the idea that you are still challenging your brain despite everything else feeling like it’s slowing down. Or the studies that show those that stay busy are happier. But those studies are more about doing something rather than nothing. Not over-committing. And I agree with both of these because neither is the type of busyness I am talking about. 

The type of busyness I am talking about is the kind that is done for the wrong reasons. Because you can genuinely be busy & it’s not an issue. You have kids involved in all the kids, you work multiple jobs, you do volunteer work because you truly enjoy it. That all makes sense. And those activities can even foster happiness because you’re not doing it for a payout in the end. 

If you’re honest with yourself, you’ll know when you’re busy because you got stuff to do and when you’re staying busy on purpose. And when you’re engaging in the latter, I want you to question yourself to better understand your purpose for doing so to get to the root of the issue. So, why are you staying busy?

1. Because you need the distraction from other things in your life.
2. Because it makes you feel important & respected.
3. Because you’re a people pleaser & feel guilty about not doing enough.
4. Because you only get validation, praise & appreciation when you’re helping others.
5. Because you’re afraid you’ll miss out on something if you’re not involved.

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You are only limited by what you allow to limit you. There may be a few things that you can't do (right now), but mostly you can figure out a way through your limitations that doesn't involve focusing so hard on it specifically. We got 5 tips on how.

Show Notes:
I’m stubborn in that I get so focused on conquering what is in my way, not just because it’s in the way of what I’m trying to do, but because I’m fueled by bitterness & want the satisfaction of knowing I got through it. I want to be prideful & tell everyone I got through it on my own & in whatever way because it makes me look good. Even though I know this isn’t the way AT ALL to go about any of this.

Limitations can feel like big brick walls that are in your way of getting what you want. And it feels like you can’t scale it, you can’t go around it & you can’t bulldoze it down. But that’s because you are focusing so hard on that specific limitation & not widening your perspective to what else can be done.

You’re only limited to what you limit yourself to. And I know there WILL be some things that you won’t be able to do because you’re not equipped or skilled (yet) or have the necessary help to do it, but besides the things that you ACTUALLY cannot do, you are only putting limits on yourself. I have to say it like this because most of the time we are NOT exhausted every option we have to achieve, accomplish or obtain something we want. We give up after the first setback or only try 1 or 2 more times to push through before telling ourselves we have done everything we can do, which isn’t true. We give up prematurely because we are too close to the limitation 

to see anything else beyond it. We get so consumed in battling that one thing in only a few specific ways that it blocks out any other opportunities to see any other options.

Let’s also not forget our best friend, fear of failure. This fear can trap even the smartest people and those that have so much potential to do great things because it can be so crippling. You just don’t know what is going to happen when you try so you don’t try so you can’t be upset, disappointed, embarrassed or labeled a failure. And if you’re a regular listen, you know what I’m about to say: Mistakes & failures are one of the best ways to learn. Most of the lessons we need in our lives come out of mistakes & failures. We just have to keep getting comfortable with experiencing these things because it’s just something that happens in life. You could hide in your comfort zone forever, but you’ll do nothing with your life. No one REALLY wants that.

So let’s chat about how we can stop focusing on our limitations & start seeing these situations more broadly with more possibilities. Here are 5 tips for you:

1. Your past proves nothing.
2. Be comfortable doing things differently. 
3. Find someone that has succeeded in doing what you want to do & get advice.
4. What are you gonna learn? 
5. Ask yourself why & go down that rabbit hole of thinking.

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We filter in so much on a daily basis but don't always filter out what isn't necessary. This can turn into us adopting mindsets & beliefs that aren't true for us. And I'm sharing 7 of those untrue beliefs & lies with you today.

Show Notes:
Because we filter in so many experiences, opinions, ideas, thoughts, all the things, we end up holding onto thoughts & beliefs that aren’t for us & aren’t true. We can develop beliefs based on what other people believe & share with us. We can also develop beliefs based on other people's opinions, judgments & the difficult experiences we go through. And not everything that filters into our brain is true or just not true for us. It could be true for someone else, but not for you. But we absorb things, make it our own truths & don’t take enough moments to reflect on whether these beliefs are still benefiting us. 

Something else we do is adopt false beliefs because it worked for us in the past. We lived our life with this belief that seemed to work for us because a lot of other things were working out, so it seemed to correlate. And that’s where a lot of us get in trouble, by holding firm to beliefs & lies that aren’t actually helping us, but instead hurting us.

If you would like to learn more about how to confront the fact that not every thought we have is true, listen to recent episode 426 that talks all about that.

But today we are going to dive right into a few lies that we tell ourselves on the regular because these have been adopted as beliefs and beliefs are the most convincing thoughts. Beliefs sound true, safe & strong. Beliefs feel like a part of us that makes us complete. So you can see how it can get really confusing & unsure when we discover that our beliefs are actually lies we need to let go.

Here are 7 lies we tell ourselves:

1. I need approval & validation for everything I do.
2. My emotions are caused by external events.
3. I have to match the mood of others.
4. I have to avoid making mistakes & experiencing failures.
5. I have no control over my life.
6. My problems don’t matter as much as other problems.
7. I don’t have enough (fill in the blank)

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I know it SEEMS like other people's actions & circumstances are to blame for how we are feeling, but it's really us deciding to feel that way, not the fault of external sources. But here are 5 tips on how to start taking responsibility for your emotions.

Show Notes:
One of the hot topics in my house is how you get to choose how you feel. My family is sick of me bringing this up when someone mentions that this or that is making them feel a certain way. I have NO CHILL & will remind them (as nicely as I can) that they get to CHOOSE how they feel. Rarely am I thanked for this reminder. But they get it.

But it’s tough, right? It feels like people, situations & circumstances are the ones to blame for us feeling angry, upset, disappointed, annoyed, sad or whatever emotion you end up feeling.  Even after reflecting back on what happened, who was involved & how you ended up feeling, it still feels like it’s someone else’s fault you feel the way you. But it’s not. We get to choose how we feel.

And I’m not saying it’s EASY to choose not to be offended or upset or angry or whatever. It’s not. I fail at this often. But the reason why you are feeling the way you are is not because of someone else or what happened. It’s because you decided that’s how you should or deserve to feel and/or have been trained to react that way to that type of situation. And accepting this truth can be really difficult. It’s because it can feel like life is happening to us, meaning we are the victim of the experience.

But we don’t have to be the victim if we don’t want to. We can choose to not let things bother us as much as we would like. We can choose to be a little more unbothered by the way people treat us. And we can choose to accept the truth that we are in control of our feelings as a good thing because it means we have the ability & understanding to not let those things control us.

One of the best things about accepting that we are in control of our emotions is knowing we can manage those emotions to benefit us best. When we are able to understand how we are feeling, what may have triggered us to have that response & then decide how to move forward from there, we can have healthier relationships, better communication with others, and stronger ability to bounce back from problems & setbacks. You’re better equipt to lead a more emotionally balanced life.

So today I want to share with you How to Take Responsibility for Your Emotions:

1. Honor & understand what you’re feeling. 
2. Understand how your feelings affect your life.
3. Find the balance of reacting & responding.
4. Don’t project your feelings onto external sources.
5. It’s not about what happened to you, it’s about what you do next. 

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