RealPositiveGirl - Weekly Encouragement & Mental Health

You can't make anyone change unless they decide to change & take action on their own. But you can still support them when they need it & inspire them to change without forcing, manipulating or intimidating them into changing. Here are 7 ideas on how to inspire change.

Show Notes:
I tell you what, there have been so many times where I have wanted to change something about someone else for the sake of their lives & the lives of those around them. And I admit that I tried hard with a few people. Trying to convince them that they needed to change and figure out how or by giving them a specific rundown on what they could do to change & become the person I thought they should be. But it never really worked. And when it felt like it worked, it was only temporary or only while I was micromanaging the situation. So really, it was useless.

This was a pointless endevour on my part and is on anyone’s part that has done this because you can’t change someone if they don’t want to change. For people to have lasting change in their lives, they first have to want to change & then make their own decision on what action to take and when to take those actions to start moving into that change. That’s it. 

And it doesn’t matter how much you love them or tell them how much better life will be better when they start doing this or stop doing that or even when they know the consequences of their actions. It doesn’t matter because they have to see these things & anything else that could happen as a real reason for them to change. They have to start believing in themself enough to want to change, to ask for help & take that first step towards actions of change. 

The only disclaimer here is that sometimes there will be situations where an intervention is needed if someone really is in danger or putting others at risk of danger.  

But despite you trying to manipulate someone into changing or threatening them to change or intimidating them into changing, it’s not going to be real change that produces growth in that area. Those that change but don’t fully commit are more likely to regress in their mindset & behavior than the typical regression when doing something new.

Here are some ideas on how you can guide someone to make changes in their life without actually forcing them to do anything:

1. Understand they are on their own trajectory. 
2. Don’t project your emotions onto them. 
3. Be there if they need you. 
4. Help them set goals. 
5. Be a good example yourself.
6. Give them space. 

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Having a growth mindset doesn't mean everything is positive, it means you are open to being flexible about your growth & not letting setbacks & negativity hold you captive. Let's talk about 5 steps on how to shift your mindset from fixed to growth.

Show Notes:
Last episode we spoke about the differences between fixed mindset & growth mindset. It was important to me to lay out how someone with a fixed mindset would think & believe, as well as a growth mindset. And it’s important to understand the differences between the mindset & behavior your are currently experiencing & the one you want to transition to so you have an idea of the journey you’re about to go on. So the previous episode was laying the groundwork for understanding & now we are going to discuss how to shift from living our life more with a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset.

The most important thing to remember when we are beginning our journey shifting from fixed to growth mindset is that your intelligence can be developed. You can learn how to do new things you don’t understand from first glance. There is no pre-requisite to learning something new or needing a foundation to work from. You can get yourself in shape with knowledge & skills the same way you get your body in shape. You just need to find the vehicle that fits you best to do so. And before we move on, you have to know that you HAVE to start here. If you can’t accept & believe that knowledge & smarts can be trained & developed, you will not succeed in shifting from a fixed to a growth mindset.

If this is difficult for you to believe & accept, it might be helpful to chat with some people you know that excelled at goals & ambitions that were challenging & not something that came naturally to them.

So once you understand & accept this truth, you can move forward in accepting that since you can increase your intelligence you can also endure challenges & setbacks, what other people say & their criticisms, collect the lessons you gain from mistakes & failures, as well as knowing you don’t need to give up when difficulty creeps in.

Also, as with most things, this doesn’t need to all happen at once or be an all-or-nothing thing. I mentioned in the previous episode that we can have both a fixed & growth mindset for different things in our lives. We can have a fixed mindset about learning a new skill at work but have a growth mindset about growing a garden. It all depends on where you beliefs stand. So just know you don’t need to switch everything over to growth at once & don’t get down on yourself if it’s more difficult to shift it for something inparticular.

Here is a 5 step game plan for you to jump right into getting your growth mindset going:

1. Start seeing your challenges as opportunities. 
2. Focus more on the process of what’s happening now rather than the end result. 
3. You don’t need other people’s approval. 
4. Accept that you’re not perfect & we can’t do everything. 
5. You’re on your own timeline, so be patient. 

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Let's determine if you're struggling with a fixed mindset where you think you are only capable of things that come natural to you or you are doing well in a growth mindset where you understand that life will be difficult & you can adapt.

Show Notes:

The whole idea behind this is that your beliefs dictate your mindset, which dictates your behaviors. If you don’t believe you are still worthy after making a mistake, you will lack the desire to try again or that you’ll be looked down on. If you believe you will no longer be respected & accepted after going through a significant failure, you’ll give up on everything else & not pursue your goals. And if you believe when someone tells you that you’re not smart because you take too long to learn things, you’ll probably internalize those words & tell yourself that every time you aren’t perfect at something from the get-go. You’ll tell yourself these limiting stories over & over & never become the person you’re meant to be. 

When you have a fixed mindset, you believe that you are stuck with the lot you’re given in regards to abilities, how smart you are, how capable you are & what you can achieve. When you have a growth mindset, you understand that you can learn things over time & at any point in life, all you have to do is the work. If you’d like to learn more science behind both fixed & growth mindsets, please read the book Carol Dweck wrote called Mindset.

Now it’s important to understand that we can all have both at times. There can be certain things we have more of a growth mindset towards because we have proven it to ourselves & other things where it’s more fixed because we have had trouble with it or hold the burden of someone telling us we can’t. 

Today we are going to highlight the differences between a fixed mindset & a growth mindset so you’re able to identify it in your own life & know what you need to work on.

Growth: Effort is seen as the way to success.

Fixed: Effort is seen as useless.

Growth: It’s important to keep going when faced with challenges.

Fixed: It’s better to give up in the face of challenges.

Growth: Feedback from others is important & helpful.

Fixed: Criticism needs to be avoided so you don’t look inadequate.

Growth: It’s important to talk about uncomfortable & challenging things or nothing will change.

Fixed: If we talk about it, things might get worse.

Growth: You can learn & grow skills/abilities/knowledge.

Fixed: Everything comes natural & you are only capable to what you know now.

Growth: “What I’m doing is really difficult but I will figure it out with more practice & knowledge.”

Fixed: “What I’m doing is really difficult because I’m not smart enough & can’t do this easily.”

Growth: When I make mistakes or go through failures I can learn from these experiences.

Fixed: If I make a mistake or fail I will not longer be worthy or respected.

Growth: Other people’s success inspires me.

Fixed: I feel threatened when other people succeed.

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It's helpful to know how to deal with stress after the fact to help you relax & reset & even what to do to prevent feeling overly stressed, but it's more important to know what to do during your stressful experience to minimize its effect & how to get past it. Here are 7 tips on how to manage it in the moment.

Show Notes:
Stress. It’s everyone's best friend, right? We all deal with stress in some capacity of our daily lives & we handle it in our own specific ways. I, myself, deal with stress by freaking out, sometimes having a panic attack & allowing all my emotions to bubble up & explode at the height of everything. At least this is what happens when I don’t take a breath before considering the best way to respond to the situation.

It’s so easy to allow stress to creep into our lives because sometimes we don’t think it’s stress that is grabbing hold of us. We think it’s just a tiny bit of anxiety or maybe a little overwhelm or a temporary heightened emotion that will resolve itself shortly once everything gets under control. But then things continue to spiral out of control. Now what? 

When we start to experience stress, we can feel it emotionally & physically. Our breathing & heart rate change, our vision might distort & we could even experience headaches, muscle tension or even exhaustion. Emotionally we could slide into a panic attack, possible depression or irritability. It just all depends on how our bodies decide to naturally handle stress. 

Mind you, some stress in life can be a positive thing because the stressor is challenging & motivating you or keeps us alert to stay safe & out of danger, similar to fear. But today we are going to focus more on the stress that happens when we are focusing on our fears manifesting. 

When you’re dealing with stress, you’re not gonna want to stop & think. You don’t wanna stop & consider what the best course of action is in that given situation & you might even tell yourself that you can't, but that isn’t true. You can, you just need to practice doing so & know what to do immediately next.  A lot of times we don’t think we can do something different than our natural response because we have a fixed mindset. We have trouble believing we can change & grow. Maybe this is because of failing to do so in the past or someone telling you you wouldn’t be able to change or you’re fearful of what will happen if it doesn’t work out like you’d like it to. Regardless of the reason, you got fear built-in & it’s preventing you from believing in yourself enough to take the first step towards change & growth. It’s that fear that we need to beat out & you can do that at any time by taking action towards making a change. 

Here are 7 tips on how to stop stress in the moment:

1. Acknowledge that you’re stressed. Don’t run from it. 
2. Break down why you’re stressed, if time allows. 
3. Try breathing exercises or counting up or down. 
4. Take a break, if you can. 
5. Lean into compassion not cruelty towards yourself.
6. Find a new perspective.
7. Remember their stress isn’t your stress.

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You wonder why you're tired all the time, you feel overwhelmed & are slowly lacking desire to work towards your goal but have yet to identify what could be draining your energy. Here are a few ideas on what could be keeping you down & depleting your energy.

Show Notes:
Sometimes it’s hard to even notice what is draining our energy if we don’t take a step back to check it out. We wonder why we are feeling so overwhelmed or like we can’t accomplish as much as we used to or we are just more tired than we are used to. But it’s not a natural response to see if something is leaching off you & stealing all your energy. Which is why I wanted to bring it up today.

So let’s dive into some of the things that could be draining our energy:

• Letting the Past Hold You Hostage (the mistakes, the failures, the embarrassing things, the regrets, ect)
• Being a People Pleaser
• Taking Things Personally (don’t get caught up in other people’s insecurities on display that happen to shine down on you. It sucks but it’s more often than not about their personal issues than caring about what you’re doing.)
• Holding Grudges (listen to episode 403 for more help on this. it’s just poison you’re allowing to flow in your life if you keep holding onto that pain/disappointment/resentment & replay the experiences in your mind)
• Avoiding Rest to Stay Productive (you are literally draining energy with this one or some would call it burning the candle at both ends. This can sometimes be seen as burnout. You can’t expect to keep pushing yourself to the max & not eventually run out of energy)
• Unresolved Trauma (listen to episode 405 if you aren’t sure how trauma is showing up in your life. But if we keep putting off our feelings it just builds up to become something more difficult and time consuming to deal with later & will pop-up with more emotional repercussions in your life)
• Negative Self-Talk (you are shrinking yourself in your eyes & sometimes the eyes of other by talking down to yourself without any self-compassion. You will burn up your energy just trying to sustain yourself while breaking yourself)
• Unbalance Relationships (I don’t believe in balance all the time in relationships because that’s not how life is, but when it’s really off kilter, you need to reconsider how involved you should be)

If you want to invest more into what brings you energy, look to things that provide you with joy without having to try too hard.

Connect with people that are comforting & easy to be around that you’re comfortable being vulnerable with.

And set aside actual time in your calendar or wherever you need it to be for you to take care of your emotional struggles & give yourself a break from life’s burdens. 

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We are all role models whether we like it or not, but we forget we can also be one for ourselves, too. Being a role model can keep you accountable to what you want to do & who you are becoming each & every day.

Show Notes:
Let me start this by saying that you DO NOT need to be positive all time. I honestly don’t believe we can be positive all the time because there are difficult things we go through that require a different mindset & mood to figure out & get through. So, there is no need to pretend you are in a good mood or feeling positive all the time because it’s extremely unnecessary.

But even when you aren’t being super happy, bubbly & filled with joy, you can still be a role model for positivity. It’s all in the way you carry yourself, how you decide to respond to situations & whether you allow yourself to be defeated all together or figure out how to pick yourself back up again & move forward.

A lot of times we believe that being a role model means we need to be perfect in most things we do & be seen as someone that is sought after to be copied, emulate & jealous of. But this isn’t true. You can be making tons of mistakes & going through the hardest season of your life & be a fantastic role model. And yes, maybe only for certain people, but that doesn’t discount being someone others look up to.

I commented on the internet once that it’s important to remember that all of us are role models in some way & we should live our lives knowing that someone is looking up to us. A lot of people didn’t like that. They didn’t want to take on the responsibility of someone else looking up to them for how they lived their lives & behaved. And I get it, you don’t want to be blamed for what someone else does because they said they learned it from you. It requires that the person looking up to you knows they are still responsible for how they act but are choosing to get their guidance on what decisions to make from you. Still scary, I know.

The reason I encourage people to live their life this way is because it keeps a fire lit under us to not give up. We are more likely to keep going and learn from every situation we encounter if we know people are lookin up to us as role models. We also are more likely to do the best we can in each situation. The most classic example is being a parent of a child. You are modeling behavior for your kiddos to observe & copy. And sometimes we forget this (Me as a mom, I have forgotten this many times), but it’s ok. As long as we realize it again & take responsibility for how we live our lives, we’re golden.

So today I am going to share with you 5 ways to really lean into being a role model & an encourager for others in life:

1. Focus on Being Authentically Yourself Despite Opinions & Judgments 
2. Be Driven By Your Own Personal Values 
3. Be Accepting Of Others With an Open Mind
4. Share Your Mistakes & Failures Openly & with Minimal Shame 
5. Commit to Pushing Through Struggles & Setbacks

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Shame & guilt feel like a part of who you are as a person, but thats a lie. It just feels that way because we allow these mindsets to run the show. Here are 8 tips to work on minimizing these dominate thought patterns.

Show Notes:
In the previous episode we talked about the differences between guilt & shame & learned there is healthy guilt & unhealthy guilt. So naturally, I didn’t want to leave you hanging with only knowledge on how to identify all three of these, so today we are going to talk about how we can work on cutting back unhealthy guilt & shame.

Shame & guilt feel like issues that would be difficult to deal with because it just feels like a natural thing we have in us. Something native to who we are & not something we can just easily rid ourselves from. And I’ll be honest, it probably won’t be easy. It will take time & emotional work, but it can be done. And just know it’s a not a one and done thing. More often than not you’ll be continually working on it for the foreseeable future.

So let’s talk about unhealthy guilt first.

Unhealthy guilt is when you feel bad for things that didn’t happen, didn’t affect others like you think it did or things outside of your control. Doesn’t it sound silly to admit that we can feel bad about things that happen knowing these were outside of our control?? It boggles my mind, despite me knowing I do this, too. But it’s easy to get caught-up in unhealthy guilt, especially if you tend to people please.

Here are 4 ways to work through unhealthy guilt:

1. Find Evidence that YOU Did Something Wrong (hint: you probably won’t find it) 
2. Work on Personal Boundaries 
3. Allow Yourself to Learn from Negative Experiences 
4. Don’t Get Stuck in Negative Self-Talk Without Self-Compassion 

Now for shame.

As we know, shame is when we truly believe, down to our core, that we are not worthy of anything, don’t have the ability to become better people & you only see yourself in a negative light. Shame can be so ingrained that it doesn’t seem like something we need to fix, rather something we need to embrace because it’s apart of us.

Here are 4 ways to work through shame:

1. Identify Where the Shame Came From 
2. Separate Who You Are from What You Do 
3. Deep Dive into Self-Compassion
4. Practice Being Vulnerable with Someone Safe 

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It's important to know the difference between guilt & shame to know what needs your attention to work through. Today we are comparing guilt & shame, while also understanding the difference between healthy & unhealthy guilt.

Show Notes:

Let’s talk about the difference between guilt & shame. Guilt is when you feel bad for doing something wrong or you think you did something wrong. It’s also something you experience when you go against your personal values & beliefs. Shame is when you feel like who you are as a person is wrong. It’s a personal belief you have about yourself & ties into self-worth. Guilt is based on behavior, whereas shame is based on who you believe you are.

With guilt, we usually only feel it when we care about how it impacts someone else. But there is a healthy aspect to it that keeps us accountable & responsible for things we did that affect others & how we can correct those wrongs. It’s healthy guilt vs unhealthy guilt. When you are operating in healthy guilt, you will seek forgiveness & figure out what needs to be done to amend the situation with the person & how you can change your behavior for the future. Unhealthy guilt is when you punish yourself for things that may or may not have affected the other person & are a result of not meeting your own unrealistic expectations. You end up telling yourself you did something wrong when you really didn’t.

With shame, you feel worthless & tend to believe there is nothing you can change about it. We can develop feelings of shame from childhood experiences, mental health issues that include criticizing or judging ourselves, being bullied by others or even fear of having your flaws & insecurities exposed. 

What shame says:

• Focus more on what other people think & say about me
• Allow anger & aggression to foster & be used as a way to react
• Don’t step outside your comfort zone because you might experience humiliation
• Make sure you feel about who you are & what you’ve been through, even when it wasn’t your fault (like abuse)
• Don’t give yourself any grace or forgiveness

What healthy guilt says:

• You hit someone with your car & now have to suffer the consequences
• You knowingly broke the rules to get ahead & now need to amend your behavior & understand why that is bad
• You didn’t do your part when you said you would or it was asked of you & now feel bad about it
• You made a mistake but admit to it & take responsibility for it
• You realize you are engaging in behavior that negatively affects others & decide to change your behavior

What unhealthy guilt says:

• You take responsibility for other people’s emotions & how they feel
• You think taking care of yourself is selfish
• If someone gets upset it must be your fault
• You feel like a failure if you weren’t able to do everything you or others expected you to do
• You forgot someone's name that you just met & feel horrible about it

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We may think some emotions & behaviors are harmless or protecting us, but really these have us in a tight hold that we don't even realize we need to escape. These sneak up on us & control us without even knowing. Let's chat about what some of those are.

Show Notes:
Every now & then I like to share with you all short lists of emotions & behaviors we have already talked about in the past individually, but that need to be reminded of because it’s important to stay vigilant when dealing with emotions & behaviors that can sneak in & start to control you.

Plus, when you see things in a list together, you can better understand how these are related & where these can show up in your life. So, I promise this is not a copout, it’s helpful

I would say negativity can show up just about anywhere if you allow the mindset or behavior to lean too much into being a crutch or something you depend on too much or use as an excuse. Even positivity can become toxic if you use it to pretend anything negative doesn’t exist or doesn’t need to be acknowledged or use it to shame others into believing they can fully honor & experience their emotions.

So today we are going to talk about 5 types of sneaky negativity that can creep into your life & try to control you & your emotions:

1. Judgment of Yourself & Others (Being judgmental means you’re only focusing on the negative things in life. You’re also using this as an excuse to not focus on what you actually need to work on & deal with. )
2. Self-Doubt (This holds you back from believing you are capable of trying new things-which gets in the way of taking the action needed to try new thing, stepping outside your comfort zone & seeing outside your own perspective of possibilities)
3. Complaining (Complaining is the need for external validation because when you complain, you want others to agree, affirm & validate that what you are displeased with is acceptable & correct. Complaining also is NOT venting. Venting includes asking permission to share first & problem-solving after that, complaining has neither of those things. )
4. Trying to Control Everything (Control issues are common to many, especially people that suffer from perfectionism. You can only control yourself, not others or what happens to us & around us. The desire to control stems from insecurities & the fear of things not working out as planned, believing your way is the best and/or only way.)
5. Assuming the Worst All the Time (If you are always looking for the other show to drop you will never be present enough to enjoy what is happening right now. There is also the loss of hope when you are always believing something bad is always around the corner. There is no fully living life with this type of negative mindset.)

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Have any questions, comments, or feedback?  Send me an email at [email protected] or check out my website, www.sabrinajoy.com where you can listen to all my episodes, send me messages & sign up for my weekly newsletter https://www.sabrinajoy.com/newsletter!

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We have more power over our mindsets than we believe, which includes the beliefs we have that hold us back from doing things outside of our comfort zones & achieving goals. I have 5 tips on how to get past our limiting beliefs.

Show Notes:
I’m sure when we are thinking about what is holding us back from achieving our goals or changing our mindset or pushing through past experiences or trauma we aren’t thinking about what mindsets are holding us back. We are looking more external because it seems more likely that it’s something outside of ourselves that is causing our issues, rather than something we actually have control over. Because it would seem too easy, right? Like, if it’s something we could fix on our own, why haven’t we done it yet?

A lot of the time we are holding ourselves back from doing whatever it is we want to do because of limiting beliefs. Limiting beliefs are exactly how it sounds, beliefs that we allow to hold us back from doing something we want to do. And these are generally beliefs that aren’t true, something that was made up based on an opinion or judgment we internalized or based on a previous experience we went through that didn’t turn out the way we thought it would & it hit us negatively. And these beliefs don’t need to be complicated or super deep. Here are some examples of common limiting beliefs we could have:

• I’m not good enough 
• I’ll never be successful 
• I don’t have enough experience 
• I’m not smart enough 
• I’ll never be a great leader 

The best way to identify a limiting belief is to take note of all the beliefs you have & see if you can pinpoint ones that don’t align with your goals & desires. These could be the beliefs that are getting in the way. Another way to go about it is to notice your behavior when it’s negative or doesn’t align with your desired achievements & see what the beliefs beneath those actions are. Are you self-sabotaging because you have failed before & now you live life with a fear of failure? Or are you not moving forward with a great idea because you fear the success that will come from it & are unsure if you can handle it? Both of these are limiting beliefs.

The biggest reason we cling to limiting beliefs is that we want to avoid struggle & failure. Going through experiences where those things could happen are obviously not attractive, so we hold fast to limiting beliefs that prevent that from even being a possibility. 

And that is why I wanted to share with you how to push past your limiting beliefs. Here are 5 tips on how to get past your limiting beliefs:

1. Accept that not everything in your mind is truth. 
2. Figure out where the belief came from.
3. Imagine no longer believing the limiting belief.
4. Swap the limiting belief out with something more real & positive.
5. Catch yourself when you allow the limiting belief to lead rather than your new thriving belief.

Visit me on Instagram or TikTok: @sabrinajoyperozzo

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Have any questions, comments, or feedback?  Send me an email at [email protected] or check out my website, www.sabrinajoy.com where you can listen

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