RealPositiveGirl - Weekly Encouragement & Mental Health

Self-defeating beliefs = negative views you hold about yourself & how life happens around you.  But I want to share what these beliefs are so you can become aware of when one starts to consume you.

Show Notes:
It’s so easy to get in our own way. So much so, that we think we are doing the most for the best outcome, but it’s really just causing us more grief than necessary & we get in our own way when it could have been much simpler. But I’m also bringing this up because I thought it would be a fun topic to do a series on for TikTok, but there is only so much knowledge you can put in short videos, so I wanted to flush it out more here on the podcast. But the short form TikTok version will be helpful if you just need it in your back pocket as a reminder.

A few months ago I did an episode on self-sabotage & getting out of your own way. In that episode, I went into what it looks like if you are self-sabotaging & steps to take to work on that mindset & behavior. Today’s episode is going to be different than that because instead of sharing tips on how to stop self-sabotage, I will be talking about the mindset & beliefs we have that are self-defeating. But if you would like more information about self-sabotage & how to release yourself from that behavior, listen to episode 388.

But let’s chat about self-defeating beliefs & mindsets. These are negative beliefs about yourself & what’s going on around you. Heavily based in your perspective of the world around you & clouded by bias thinking. And right off the bat we know that if we are only seeing the world through our own perspective we will miss a lot & get stuck viewing the world the way we know best. Usually this is negative because negative thinking is easier than positive or even neutral thinking. And these beliefs can affect your self-esteem, how you behave in relationships with others & the status of your self-worth. It’s a version of getting in your own way because it prevents you from even trying most times or getting caught up in focusing on things that don’t matter as much.

One of the best ways to tackle a belief system & mindset that is no longer serving you is to become aware of how it shows up in your life. Once you know what to look for, you can acknowledge it when it happens & use that awareness as a trigger to shift your thinking towards something more helpful. For example, if you struggle with believing life should always be easy for you, when those moments in life where you do end up going through struggles you don’t believe you deserve, you can acknowledge that mindset & shift to the belief that life will be difficult at times, but those experiences will strengthen us & prepare you for what happens in the future. 

Here are 10 Self-Defeating Beliefs to be aware of & not let consume you:

1. Perfectionism
2. Fear of Rejection 
3. People Pleasing 
4. Entitlement 
5. Hopelessness
6. Needing Approval & Validation 
7. Close Mindedness 
8. Fixed Mindset 
9. Fear of Feelings & Emotions 
10. Brushfire Fallacy 

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We can't always trust our minds. We filter so much into our minds on a regular basis that isn't based in fact, but only opinions or purposeful untruths. And it's easy to get caught in this mindset. But I'm here to share a sequence of questions to ask yourself when you get caught in this way of thinking & believing.

Show Notes:

Not every thought that flies around in our minds is true. It can’t be because of our varying experiences throughout the day, the different people we interact with and the struggles we can have with responding & reacting emotionally to what’s happening around us. And I’m not saying that we cannot identify true knowledge that comes to us, we actually over-identify most things as true because it’s easier than figuring out why something isn’t true and there is less pushback when you just accept what is told to you rather than trying to challenge the situation. 

This also goes for what other people think about us & what they think about everything else. It’s also why it’s very important to do your own research. You can’t always believe everything everyone says. How do you know if it’s a credible source? How do you know they didn’t just get their information from someone else that didn’t do any research or heard it via gossip or another unreliable source? And you don’t have to pull out your phone every time someone tells you something to fact-check it, but ask more questions to get a sense of whether or not what they are telling you is legit.

I want to again mention that what other people think & say about you doesn't make it fact. This is something I have to remind myself of every single day. It’s better to lean into this reminder than let random words strung together into a thought heavily influenced by someone else’s biases have an effect on you. Their thoughts & opinions regarding you don’t have to affect you if you don’t allow it to. And this isn’t easy, but it’s the goal. It’s even harder when we know these people have influence over others, so it does affect us more than it should, but it still doesn’t need to affect us if we don’t want it to.

Here is a sequence of questions to ask yourself the next time you get stuck believing every thought that pops into your mind:

1. Ask yourself, “Is this thought true?”
2. If no, move right along. If yes, ask yourself, “How can I prove it’s true?”
3. If it’s because you didn’t know something that you felt was expected, ask yourself, “Are there other people who also don’t know this?”
4. Ask yourself, “Why is it ok for them to not know?” and, “Why do I have to know?”
5. If this is about what someone else said about you, ask yourself, “Does their opinion change what I am capable of doing, what I’m currently working on & the progress I’m currently achieving?”
6. Also ask yourself, “Why do I care about their opinion? Why am I letting it affect me?”
7. If you asked someone else if this thought was true, would they agree?
8. If they don’t, then you know it’s your mind embellishing this truth. If they do, ask yourself, “What can I do to work on this or who should I ask for help?”

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It can be so easy to miss really great moments happening right now because we are so caught up in what we need to do for the future or what has happened in the past. Living in the present can help us slow down & allow us to be more open-minded to new & different opportunities.

Show Notes:

Are you often thinking about what you could have done or should have done or wish you knew in regards to something that happened in the past? If you are, I encourage you to realize that this is a fruitless activity. This is perfectly ok to do RIGHT AFTER the event/situation that has happened. You can take the time to reflect on what happened & what you can learn from this experience, but take those lessons & let it go. Move on from it & don’t allow it to be a chokehold on your life. We LITERALLY cannot change the past. Like, we cannot. It’s impossible. So continuing to bring it up will only be you inflicting pain on yourself with no benefit or purpose.

But maybe you’re dwelling on the past because someone in your life continues to bring it up. Sometimes we have a hard time letting things go when we were hurt or something didn’t work out in the way you desired, so if someone else contributed to those things happening, we might keep bringing it up because we haven’t taken the time to heal from that experience & understand what it meant to us & why we responded the way we did. And this can cause hurt to the other people involved because you’re bringing it up & allowing that wound to be exposed again, rather than heal. Even if the other people involved don’t feel as bad about what happened as you do, you still need to let it go & move on. Staying in that mindset will not make anything better or different.

As far as the future, most of the time thinking about the future is super exciting. It’s the thing that can boost motivation in whatever we are doing & working on, while also providing hope to life-changing, evolving & becoming better when we finally have those future moments realized. But this can also pull you away from seeing the silver lining in what’s going on in your life right now & the opportunities you could have if you take your eyes off what’s ahead. What’s ahead could change for the better, but you’ll never know that because you are too focused & attached to that version & vision of your life you’re currently chasing.

You could also be attached to the future because you need a distraction from what’s currently happening in your life. Or it’s the perfectionist coming out that needs to always be planning for how to excel in the future, always trying to one-up yourself. Regardless of the reason, it’s important to know that everything doesn’t need to be about the future for your life to be good.

Let’s dive into the tips on How to Live in the Present:

1. Don’t Overly Multitask 
2. Accept What’s Happening Now, Not How You Want it to Be
3. Practice Gratitude on the Regular
4. Forgive Others & Let Go of Grudges
5. Don’t Get Stuck in How Life Used to Be 
6. Don’t Be in a Rush or Anxious About Time 
7. Work On Control Issues 

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It can be helpful to give our minds rest & a reset before jumping back into our busy lives. It can also help prevent feeling overwhelmed & burnt out. Here are tips for both how to rest the mind & reset the mind.

Show Notes:
I would always push myself to do the absolute most with my brain because I believed it was the thing that would bring me the most respect, fulfillment & appreciation. I would work it to the max with solving problems for myself & others, learning ALL THE THINGS I could, & basically finding any way I could to show off how smart & capable I was. And really it was all for nothing because it all lead to burnout. 

And I’m not saying you can’t push yourself from time to time, but it doesn’t need to be ALL THE TIME & most certainly doesn’t need to be to the edge of giving up & feeling overwhelmed. And you can do this more often if you take the time necessary to rest & reset your mind.

And if you STILL don’t believe me that you need rest & reset time for your mind, let me ask you a question: “Who are you trying to impress?” You HAVE to be needing to impress someone for you to push yourself that far. If your answer is, “I just need to be the best,” that still counts as impressing someone because it just means you want to impress everyone. But ask yourself why it’s important to impress whoever it is & how that will benefit you. 

It’s important to know that both rest & reset are coping mechanisms used to help ease stress & regain control over yourself when things feel out of sorts.

The benefit of resting your mind is preventing overload, burnout & a visit to your pit of despair. Everyone needs & deserves breaks. And the only people that don’t think humans need breaks are those severely uninformed & those that haven’t seen their downfall from not taking breaks, so they expect everyone else to be up to their standards. Also known as those who are severely delusional. 

Now the benefit of resetting your mind is to be more prepared & ready to take on whatever is in front of you. It’s coming back to a baseline & knowing where you’re starting from, rather than jumping fully back into chaos. You can take all the time you need to rest, but if you don’t reset your mind to be ready to move forward, you will overload again much quicker. You need to take the break, then make sure you’re organized enough to step back into everything or it will be all for nothing.

So let’s jump into the tips I have on How to Rest & Reset Your Mind.

How to Rest the Mind:

1. Read a Book
2. Take a Nap
3. Forgive Yourself
4. Brain Games
5. People Watching
6. Reasonably Do What You Can

How to Reset the Mind:

1. Dump Out All the Problems
2. Make a List for Everything
3. Declutter a Space
4. Evaluate Your Expectations for the Moment
5. Say Goodbye to Useless Tasks
6. Learn Something New to Challenge Yourself
7. Reminder You’re Just as Important as Everyone Else

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Accepting does not mean you have to like what is happening, but you do need to move on. It can be difficult to do so when you have control issues, but here are 7 tips on how to get that acceptance.

Show Notes:
I want to control everything. I want to dictate what happens & when & how because it makes me more comfortable & less anxious. I want to know what is happening at all times & convince others how they should run their lives so there are no surprises for me there, either, and to again be in control of what’s going on around me.

This is how a lot of people feel about needing to be in control.  Being honest with ourselves is the best way to jumpstart any sort of growth or personal improvement because it removes a ton of hurdles that hold you, hostage, & prevent you from retreating to your comfort zone because you haven’t admitted your faults, fears, or forgiven yourself yet. Being able to admit vulnerable things about & to yourself is gold. 

But back to needing control. You’ll never have control over everything. Sometimes people think they can control everything if they have enough money & power, which CAN work for a while, but it won’t work for everything or forever. It’s best to just accept this truth now & move forward with tips on how to not let it cause grief in your life.

We believe that if we spend enough time worrying about everything & acting as puppeteers, we will have every answer & solution ready to prevent certain things from happening. This isn’t true, though. We have no idea what is going to happen next, but attempt to consider every possibility to be as covered as we can. But there is no way to prevent a natural disaster from happening, from getting sick with a disease or ailment that goes undetected for months or years, or even a job letting you go not because of your work ethic but because it’s going bankrupt. 

The benefit of just accepting what you cannot change: peace & freedom. The peace you will gain is from no longer having to worry about everything & everyone around you & what you believe needs to happen for everything to be under control. Peace & comfort will come upon you (eventually) & life will feel a little calmer. You will gain freedom also from not worrying, but also from staying locked down in your comfort zone & only doing things that feel comfortable to you. Comfort zones stunt personal growth & don’t allow you to try new things, make mistakes & explore new skills & abilities. You’ll be freer to be your true self. Not the safe self you convinced was the real you. Also, we can’t spend our lives in denial of what is actually happening to us or around us because it will only delay the emotional response/reaction that is going to happen.

Here are 7 tips on How to Accept What You Cannot Change:

1. Know the Difference Between Accepting & Embracing Something.
2. Be Optimistic.
3. Stop Hanging Onto the Past.
4. Shift Your Expectations.
5. Honor Your Feelings.
6. Focus On What You Can Change.
7. Make New Goals.

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If you believe your weaknesses are preventing you from exceling in other areas of your life, then making the decision to improve upon those things can be beneficial. And I have 7 tips that will help you get started on that improvement.

Show Notes:

Weaknesses are things that lack strength & ability, while also being seen as a disadvantage. It’s things you aren’t as practiced, skilled or experienced in that also don’t provide you any benefit.

Weaknesses came come across as these things that lead us to feeling shameful, out of place, inadequate or even lost. We can feel lost in the idea that we don’t know how to determine what we should or shouldn’t do in life with the weaknesses we have, in comparison to our strengths. And feeling out of place can come from being weak in areas those around us are not. Inadequacy or feeling less than is a common feeling around weakness because if you don’t feel on par with those around you, it doesn’t feel like enough. It feels like lack. When in reality, we don’t need to feel shame or any of these emotions in regards to our weaknesses because these aren’t bad things that define us, plus every single person alive has a weakness. No one is perfect, remember?

And just because I am about to give you some tips on how you can improve these things that you aren’t super strong at doesn’t mean you have to. If you aren’t bothered by your weaknesses, then don’t mess with anything. Just because something isn’t at the same level as other things doesn’t mean it has to change. I know it seems like anything that doesn’t match the same level of capability & perception as everything else requires some work to be done to get it in sync, but it’s not necessary. Sometimes things just need to stay where it’s at until the timing is right or until it becomes an issue. This also means that at any point you can decide to work on your weakness. It’s whatever you believe will serve you best.

Another thing that comes to mind to mention is if other people are pushing you to work on your weaknesses, make sure it’s not only for their benefit. Sometimes people can come across as being helpful & supportive, but there may also be an underlying level of manipulation if the weakness they want you to work on will benefit them more than you. Could be a skill to that would allow them to pass work onto you or a mindset that would allow them to place more burden on you or a behavior that would put more responsibility onto you. Regardless, it’s something to keep in mind if someone seems to be pressing you to work on your weaknesses.

If you believe it’s the right time to start working on your weaknesses, then here are some tips on how to improve those things:

1. Honor Your Vulnerabilities 
2. Find Your Way of Growing 
3. Understand Your Growth Will Be Uncomfortable 
4. Create a Plan of Improvement that Includes Milestones 
5. Lower Your Expectations 
6. Have People to Support & Help You When You Need It 

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Si

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I have 10 quick things to remind you of that are perfectly acceptable to do & experience, despite what anyone else's insecurities is trying to project onto you & convince you of.

Show Notes:
Not that you need me to tell you what is & isn’t ok to do, but I wanted to make sure you were aware that some things that people have put shame on & said are things that are unacceptable is actually fine, just in case you needed to know.

Sometimes it’s nice to have a reminder that the things we are going through each day & the emotions we feel are an acceptable & normal way to respond to our experiences. This is especially true with people around us that like to create rules & expectations for us to abide by that don’t align with what’s actually true in the world.

People like to create rules for themselves and other people to follow because it makes THEM more comfortable & more in control of what happens around them. But just because someone said that’s the way it is doesn’t mean that’s true.

But that can be hard to know if someone is really convincing, or tells you that everyone else is doing it that way so you should do it that way or you were forced at one time to live your life a certain way so it’s the only way you know. That’s why it’s important to know that you can always learn new knowledge & change your mind about how you do things or what you even believe. It doesn’t mean anything negative toward you & actually shows growth & maturity to make the change & not be stubborn in your own ways.

So today I am going to share with you 10 things that are perfectly ok to do or feel or experience because sometimes we need to be reminded of it:

1. It’s Ok to Have a Bad Day
2. It’s Ok to Make Mistakes
3. It’s Ok to Ask for Help
4. It’s Ok to Take Things Slow
5. It’s Ok to Take Breaks
6. It’s Ok to Be Upset
7. It’s Ok to Not Agree
8. It’s Ok to Have Boundaries
9. It’s Ok to Like What You Like
10. It’s Ok to Say ‘No’

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Self-esteem can determine what decisions you make, how confident you are in your abilities & your sense of belonging among others. Which is why it's important that we keep an eye on self-esteem dipping too low that will compromise those things & many other parts of our lives.

Show Notes:
I’m still working on building self-esteem. I think, for me, it will be something I’m working on for a really long time because I have people pleaser built so deeply into me that it’s gonna take some time. Because for me, I only started to improve myself with purposeful intent about 5 years ago. So I’m kind of behind on this, but I try not to see it that way because it doesn't help me stay focused on the goal of building it up.

Self-esteem is how you view yourself. It’s how you perceive your skills & talents, what you can & can’t do. It can also be seen as how well you appreciate & accept yourself, despite any struggles that occur. When we lack self-esteem, we don’t put a lot of value in what we can do, despite others telling us otherwise. Our thoughts & ideas are also undervalued.

When we have a healthy amount of positive self-esteem, we will have self-confidence on-board, we will be feeling secure in who we are & what you are going through in life, as well as a sense of belonging & belief that we are just as worthy of being ourself in this world as anyone else is. And all of these things play into our motivation, what decisions we make & our emotional health. So you can see how this is really important to get in line because low self-esteem is the reason a lot of people struggle with achieving their goals or stepping outside of their comfort zone or even feeling worthless to others. They end up seeing themselves from the lowest position with nothing to offer.

The inverse of this is that someone would have incredibly high self-esteem, meaning they are REALLY feeling themself. They are all about who they are, no one can tell them differently & the entitlement is off the charts. They will also struggle to see where they can improve, so the ego just gets bigger & gets worse.

Having low self-esteem can manifest from many different experiences. It could be the way you were treated in childhood with people highlighting all the negatives & none of the positives. It could appear after experiencing bullying or some sort of abuse. Maybe you experienced some prejudice or discrimination. Going through loss in your life, whether it be a friendship, romantic relationship, job, death of someone close to you, or finacial stability could trigger it. And we can’t forget negative body image & comparing what you look like to others.

Regardless of how it has manifested in your life, it’s here & we need to focus on getting it turned around to be more neutral & supportive of living your best life. Here are 5 tips on how to build up your self-esteem:

1. Find the source. 
2. Make sure you have positive relationships. 
3. Swap self-criticism for self-compassion. 
4. Acknowledge what you’re good at & what needs work. 
5. Defeat comparison by seeing others as inspiration & not competition. 

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Since seeing yourself negatively will affect your self-confidence, how comfortable you feel in life & your desire to persevere, we need to understand what is contributing to this mindset & decide what change needs to be made. Here are 5 tips to help you with that.

Show Notes:

Now I want to begin this by saying that I’m not here to tell you to just accept yourself as you are forever. It’s unreasonable to ask someone to just accept the person they are right now & allow that to be the standard forever.

I’m also not saying that you need to drastically change. The key thing I want to talk about today is that you need to narrow down the change that would work best for you right now & continue to pin that down as you transition into different seasons of your life. You need to figure out what is contributing to you having this negative image of yourself & what you should do to shift it into something more neutral. 

When someone is experiencing negative body image, they can be really concerned with how their body looks in comparison to someone else’s or feel down about their body because someone passed negative judgment on them & maybe implicated they needed to change to become more desirable, more able to find a partner or more able to just be accepted in life. Thinking negatively about your body can also lead to a lot of other problems & struggles that are way more harmful.  And it’s sad when we look back on what led to us feeling the way we do about our bodies because in hindsight it’s easy to wish we knew better than to listen to other's opinions or to compare ourselves to others. 

As I mentioned before, having a negative body image will impact your ability to have self-confidence, to feel comfortable with who you are & be willing to push through setbacks to fulfill your goals & aspirations. The lack of confidence comes from not believing you are good enough because you don’t look like others. Or being told you aren’t good enough because of how you look. You’ll also struggle to feel comfortable with how you look because you might feel self-conscious that others are constantly judging you & you feel like your body just isn’t right. And it will affect your desire to push through struggles that will help you become stronger & be more prepared to accomplish your goals because you won’t believe you are worthy of doing so, think it might be pointless because you won’t be appreciated like others are and you stop believing in yourself. .

So today I want to share with you 5 tips on how you can improve your negative body image into something more positive or neutral that will benefit your mindset, allowing you to live your best life:

1. Don’t change anything until you know why you have a negative body image. 
2. Accept the body you have in THIS season, but create goals to achieve for the future. 
3. Find appreciation in your current body. 
4. Decide what you want vs what you need to change.
5. Our bodies don’t define who we are & what we can do. 

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There are times when we know we need to be nice but it seems like the most difficult task because we're in a mood or we're enduring negative word vomit. Here are 5 tips on how to be nice when you really don't want to but know you need to.

Show  Notes:
I know I’m not alone in having to force myself to be nice when I am not in the mood to do so. Whether it’s because the other person triggered some intense feelings me or they were rude or disrespectful or I’m just having a hard day & having trouble even showing myself kindness. I know it can be tough to muster up the niceness when you just really aren’t feeling it.

But it’s important we know how to do so. Especially if we are needing to be the bigger person or diffuse a situation. Even more important, we need to be nice to others when we are in a bad mood because other people don’t deserve the backlash of us having a bad day & taking it out on them. It’s just not fair. And I know some people might think it doesn’t matter because if you’re rude to a stranger you’ll never see them again, but that shouldn’t be your excuse to be unkind.

It can be so easy to project your emotions onto someone else because it’s much easier to do that than to take the time to tap into that self-awareness & ask yourself, “What’s going on here? Why am I so charged up right now?” And this is also a reminder that emotions aren’t bad. Some people might say that THIS is the reason they don’t want to feel their emotions because it causes them to react more & get all caught-up & turned around in trying to understand themselves. But the more time you spend breaking down your emotions, responses & reactions, the easier it becomes over time. It’s just a skill that can be learned.

When it comes to being the bigger person, being kind is key. I also believe it’s more difficult to be kind when someone is doing the opposite to us. It feels very much ‘eye for an eye’ situation, but it’s not the right move. We’ve all heard it before: Rise Above It, Be the Bigger Person, Show Them Who’s Better. And if those phrases connect with you, then great. But I’d also ask you to consider being nice to those that are mean to you because they clearly need it. They decided to spew negativity your way, on purpose, so they must be going through something, struggling in their own emotional journey or unsure of the most appropriate way handle conflict & unpleasant situations. Either way, let’s get in the practice of giving people grace & allowing them to either realize their reaction wasn’t warranted because you didn’t respond similarly, or to just experience kindness that might help them reflect later. We never know how we impact people after the fact. Even a smile can be life-changing for someone.

So, let’s jump into the tips I have for you on how to be nice to others when you really don’t want to:

1. Smile & Stick with Short Responses. 
2. Ask yourself how you can be your best self for this amount of time & do it.
3. Be honest with how you’re feeling.
4. Remember you’re the only one in charge of your emotions. 
5. Ask yourself, “What’s the cost of being nice right now?” 

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