Relational Alchemy

As my work with clients has deepened, I’ve noticed that almost everyone eventually arrives at the same layer underneath it all: I’m not enough, I’m too much, there’s something inherently wrong with me. Some clients don’t resonate with the word shame at all, but the moment I mention feeling not enough, they recognize it immediately. That connection is what sparked this conversation.

In this episode, I’m so excited to welcome Rachel Kelly back to the podcast. Rachel was my very first guest and has been my personal mentor over the last nine months, walking me through healing my own not enough wound. Together we explore what shame actually is, why it’s so hard to feel, and how much we unconsciously organize our lives and relationships around avoiding it.

This episode is for anyone who has spent years trying to prove their worth, who feels the grip of anxious attachment the moment a partner pulls away, or who has quietly made being single mean something about them.

In this episode:

• What shame is, why it can feel like you’re going to die, and why it’s so closely tied to our need for belonging
• How the not enough wound forms in small, everyday moments of childhood, often through our parents’ own unhealed wounds
• The way not enough and fear of loss fuel each other in anxious attachment
• The shame triangle (inner critic, shame part, and rescuer) and how it shows up when a partner gives you feedback
• How to be with the physical sensation of shame without feeding the stories it tells you about yourself
• Why so many single people believe something is wrong with them, and how to stop pedestaling romantic partnership
• My own story of uncovering my not enough wound with Rachel, and the grief I found underneath the shame

Key takeaways:

• Shame often hides behind more familiar language like not enough, too much, or even anxiety, so sometimes the simplest doorway in is asking what you feel when you feel not enough
• The only way out of anxious attachment is through, which means making a different choice and letting yourself feel the discomfort that comes with it
• When you get stuck in the stories, you’re avoiding the feeling, and coming back to the physical sensation is what allows shame to actually move through your body
• Shame carries real wisdom when we build enough safety to listen to it, and there is often a layer of grief waiting underneath
• Treating what’s already in your life as enough is a powerful practice for tending the not enough wound from the outside in

Reflection question: What if the things in your life weren’t confirmation that you’re not enough, but a reflection of a belief that’s ready to shift?

About Rachel Kelly: Rachel helps people to rewire their nervous systems out of survival mode and build secure attachment. She is obsessed with helping you feel your feelings, build internal safety and create a life beyond your wildest dreams.

Connect with Rachel

• Instagram
• TikTok 
• Podcast
• Website

Connect with Lindsey
www.lindseybournecoaching.com

Get on the waitlist for early access + discounted pricing for or my interactive guidebook, How to Actually Move Through the Power Struggle

If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and/or leave a review to help the podcast reach more listeners! <3

Have you ever done all the work, read all the books, understood your attachment style, and then gotten into a relationship and found yourself right back in the same patterns?

That's where Lizzy was when she found me. Painfully self-aware, years of therapy under her belt, and still getting activated in ways she couldn't shift in the moment. In this episode, I'm bringing a former client onto the podcast for the first time to share her story, her experience of our work together, and what actually allowed her to create change.

This episode is for anyone who knows their attachment style, understands where it came from, and still feels like their nervous system takes over the moment relationships start to deepen.

In this episode:

• Why insight alone is often not enough to shift deep relational patterns
• What somatic parts work actually looks like in practice, through Lizzy's real experience
• The "not enough" wound, where it comes from, and how it shows up in dating
• How to tell the difference between your own projection and genuine incompatibility
• What it feels like when grief actually metabolizes from your body rather than just being managed

Key takeaways:

• You can't do all your healing alone. Some wounds only reveal themselves in relationship
• Triggers are not the enemy. They're a roadmap back to the parts of you still needing tending
• Worthiness isn't just a belief. It's something that has to shift in your body to change how you show up in relationships.
• The goal isn't a perfectly calm, regulated nervous system. It's a flexible one

Reflection question: What if your triggers weren't evidence that something is wrong, but a roadmap back to the parts of you that are asking for your attention?

Connect with Lizzy

IG: @lizzyfromtheblock__

Connect with Lindsey
www.lindseybournecoaching.com

Get on the waitlist for early access + discounted pricing for or my interactive guidebook, How to Actually Move Through the Power Struggle

If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and/or leave a review to help the podcast reach more listeners! <3

What if the grief you've been carrying in your head could only be released through your body?

What if the relationship that collapsed was actually the thing that brought you back to yourself?

What if reinvention isn't something you plan, but something your body leads you toward when you finally stop running from the pain?

In this episode I'm joined by Helen Phelan, founder of Helen Phelan Studio. Helen and I went to college together, but ended up on opposite sides of the country. What started as following her movement work on Instagram turned into watching someone navigate divorce, identity collapse, and a full creative and professional reinvention in real time, and sharing all of it with radical honesty and so much realness.

This conversation goes deep on what happens when your whole sense of self was wrapped up in a relationship, and what it takes to find your way back to who you actually are.

In this episode:

• How disordered eating and a dance career shaped Helen's relationship to her body and eventually led to her intuitive movement framework
• What intuitive exercise actually means and why pleasure is a more sustainable motivator than punishment
• Movement as a creative practice and pathway to flow state
• The identity collapse that followed the end of her marriage and what the rock bottom period actually looked like
• Why her female friendships saved her and what that taught her about where she'd been placing her sense of worth
• The role of somatic release, EMDR, and daily improv in processing grief that words couldn't reach
• The difference between circling around grief intellectually and actually releasing it from your body

Key takeaways:

• Grief that stays in the head doesn't fully process. The body has to be part of it
• The relationship ending wasn't the loss - staying would have meant continuing to lose herself
• How female friendships are just as, if not more important, than romantic love
• Movement doesn't have to be punishment. The more pleasurable you make it, the more consistent you'll be

Reflection question from this episode: Where in your life have you been trying to think your way through something your body is actually asking you to feel?

Where to find Helen:
helenphelanstudio.com
Instagram: @helenvphelan
Substack: Well Hell by Helen Phelan Studio

Free Friday Pilates Zoom class: available to Helen Phelan Studio members and Substack subscribers, Fridays at 12pm ET

Connect with Lindsey
www.lindseybournecoaching.com

Get on the waitlist for early access + discounted pricing for or my interactive guidebook, How to Actually Move Through the Power Struggle

If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and/or leave a review to help the podcast reach more listeners! <3

What if the very thing you want to fix about your partner is actually the thing you're meant to heal in yourself?

What if the urge to control, fix, or chase reassurance from your partner isn't about them at all?

What if your partner isn't the problem, and isn't the solution either, but the mirror?

In this follow-up solo episode, I'm picking up where last week's power struggle episode left off. If that episode helped you understand why the power struggle happens, this one is about what to actually do with it. Because naming the phase isn't enough. The real work is learning how to use the triggers, the activation, and the conflict as a doorway back to your own healing, rather than evidence about your partner or your relationship.

This episode is for you if you listened to last week and thought, okay, but now what? It's also for anyone who finds themselves constantly trying to get their partner to change, to validate them, to text back faster, to be more reassuring, to just be different, so that they can finally feel okay.

I'm walking through the exact reflection process I use with clients to help them metabolize old wounds instead of just managing them, plus a real client story about a "not enough" wound that almost convinced her to leave the right relationship.

In this episode:

• Why this episode focuses on your individual healing, not on changing the dynamic with your partner
• The U-turn back to self: what it actually means to stop outsourcing your safety to someone else
• Why relationships don't heal us by touching our wounds, they heal us by revealing them
• How to tell the difference between your old wounding and a partner who genuinely isn't showing up for you
• A real client story: the "not enough" wound that almost ended the right relationship
• The fork in the road: what happens when you project a trigger outward versus turn it inward
• Six reflection questions to find the root of any trigger, from body sensation to the belief underneath it
• Why metabolizing an emotion is different from managing it, and why healing isn't about making the feeling go away

Key takeaways:

• Not every trigger is about your partner, but not every trigger is only about your past either. Discernment requires doing your own work first
• You can't accurately assess your relationship from an activated, younger part of yourself
• Healing happens by feeling, not by avoiding. The goal isn't a calm nervous system, it's a flexible one
• Every defense mechanism, blame, control, scrolling, reassurance-seeking, is an attempt to avoid feeling something underneath it
• The goal isn't to stop getting triggered. It's to learn how to meet your triggers differently

Reflection question from this episode: Next time you're triggered, can you find where it lives in your body, and ask what part of you is actually activated before deciding what it means about your relationship?

Connect with Lindsey
www.lindseybournecoaching.com

Get on the waitlist for early access + discounted pricing for or my interactive guidebook, How to Actually Move Through the Power Struggle

If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and/or leave a review to help the podcast reach more listeners! <3

What if the fighting, the triggering, and the distance you're feeling in your relationship aren't signs that something is wrong, but signs that something important is trying to surface?

In this solo episode, I'm diving deep into one of the most misunderstood phases of relationships: the power struggle. It's the phase that follows the honeymoon, and it's the one that ends more relationships than it should. Because most people don't know it has a name, don't know why it happens, and don't know that it's actually one of the most transformative portals available to us if we know how to use it.

This episode is for you if you're 8-12 months into a new relationship and suddenly feeling more triggered, more reactive, or questioning whether you chose the right person. It's also for anyone who keeps repeating the same dynamic across relationships and wants to understand why.

I'm sharing real client examples, the frameworks I use in my work, and my own personal story of moving through the power struggle phase in my relationship.

In this episode:

• What the power struggle phase is and why it follows the honeymoon
• Why getting triggered is a sign the relationship is deepening, not falling apart
• How your partner becomes your adult attachment figure and what that activates in you
• Why we attract partners who trigger our deepest wounds
• Why so many couples break up or get stuck in this phase forever
• The U-turn: how to redirect attention inward instead of fixating on your partner
• What conscious love looks like on the other side
• My personal story of navigating the anxious avoidant dynamic in my own relationship

Key takeaways:

• The power struggle phase is a completely normal part of the relationship arc
• You're not just reacting to your partner, you're reacting to something much older
• We unconsciously attract partners who mirror our unresolved childhood wounds
• Leaving doesn't solve it. Until the wound is addressed, a version of the same dynamic will keep showing up
• The power struggle is a portal, not a dead end

Reflection question from this episode: When you're triggered in your relationship, what are you doing to get your needs met that might actually be perpetuating disconnection with your partner?

Connect with Lindsey
www.lindseybournecoaching.com

Get on the waitlist for early access + discounted pricing for or my interactive guidebook, How to Actually Move Through the Power Struggle

If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and/or leave a review to help the podcast reach more listeners! <3

What if astrology wasn’t about predicting your future… but about understanding how you relate?

In this episode, I’m joined by astrologer and one of my closest friends, Isa Nakazawa, to explore astrology as a deeply relational language. Together, we unpack how your birth chart can reveal the patterns, defenses, and inner dynamics that shape your relationships.

We talk about the overlap between astrology and psychology, how both systems map the human psyche, and how they can help us transform the parts of ourselves that feel stuck, reactive, or hard to love.

This conversation is about moving out of shame and into curiosity… and using both astrology and psychology as tools for real relational change.

In this episode, we explore:

• Astrology as a map of the psyche, not a personality label
• How your birth chart reveals relationship patterns and contradictions
• The role of the moon in understanding emotional needs and attachment
• Why we attract certain partners and repeat familiar dynamics
• How to work with patterns without falling into victimhood or fate-based thinking
• The difference between using astrology for awareness vs. enabling patterns
• Shadow and gifts across the modalities: cardinal, fixed, and mutable signs
• How relationships act as mirrors for growth and integration
• How the things that remain unconscious in us get externalized as fate (C. Jung)

Key takeaways:

• Your birth chart doesn’t define you, it reveals the different energies within you
• Every pattern has both a protective function and a deeper intelligence
• The parts of ourselves we struggle with often hold our greatest potential
• The people we’re drawn to aren’t random, they often reflect what wants integration in us
• Transformation happens through awareness, not shame
• You don’t need to become everything on your own, relationships are part of the process

If you’re new to astrology, Isa suggests starting with:

• Your rising sign (ascendant) — how you meet the world
• Your moon sign — your emotional needs and inner world
• Your descendant (opposite sign of your rising) — the archetype of what you’re drawn to in relationships/your ideal partner

🎧 About Isa Nakazawa

Isa Nakazawa is an astrologer and host of Stars and Stars with Isa, a podcast where she reads the birth charts of artists and thinkers to explore their purpose, patterns, and path.

Her work blends astrology with cultural, political, and psychological insight, offering a deeply relational and nuanced approach to understanding the self.

🔗 Connect with Isa

Stars and Stars with Isa Podcast

https://open.spotify.com/show/72DgOIcC23maJ3rZL9rRQy?si=a11cda227e174a07
https://isanaka.com/
https://www.instagram.com/isanaka/

https://www.tiktok.com/@starsandstarswithisa?lang=en

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLWwXrCZWB_g12cCiyjAqI5JpE1knfSVc3

Connect with Lindsey
www.lindseybournecoaching.com

Get on the waitlist for early access + discounted pricing for or my interactive guidebook, How to Actually Move Through the Power Struggle

If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and/or leave a review to help the podcast reach more listeners! <3

In this episode we explore:

• What the shame triangle is and how it shapes the way people experience themselves and their relationships
•  The difference between the inner critic, the shame part, and the protective escape strategies that follow
•  Why shame is often one of the biggest obstacles to healing, accountability, and repair
•  How perfectionism, people-pleasing, shutdown, projection, and conflict avoidance can all be protective responses
•  The connection between shame, anger, attachment wounds, and nervous system dysregulation
•  What self-energy is and why it is so essential in healing relational patterns
•  How the shame triangle can begin to transform into self-love, inner coaching, and deeper internal safety

We talk about how shame quietly drives so many of the patterns people struggle with in relationships, from defensiveness and reactivity to collapse, avoidance, and disconnection, and how learning to relate to these patterns with more awareness, compassion, and curiosity can create real transformation.

This conversation is an invitation to understand the parts of you that formed in response to pain, reconnect with the deeper wisdom of your system, and begin creating more presence, repair, and authentic connection in your relationships.

About Jessica Fern: Jessica Fern is a certified clinical trauma professional, trained Internal Family Systems practitioner, and the internationally recognized author of Polysecure, Polywise, and Transforming the Shame Triangle, which she co-wrote with David Cooley. Her work helps individuals, couples, and multi-partner relationships break free from reactive patterns, insecure attachment, cultural conditioning, and past trauma so they can embody new possibilities in life and love.

About David Cooley: David Cooley is a professional restorative justice facilitator, diversity and privilege awareness trainer, bilingual cultural broker, and the creator of the Restorative Relationship Conversations model. In his private practice, he specializes in working with non-monogamous and LGBTQ partnerships, integrating trauma-informed care, attachment theory, somatic practices, narrative therapy, and mindfulness-based techniques to support deeper connection, intimacy, and repair.

Connect with Jessica
https://jessicafern.com/

https://www.instagram.com/jessicafern411/

Connect with David
https://restorativerelationship.com/

https://www.instagram.com/rrconversations/

Learn more about The Azurite Way
https://www.instagram.com/azuriteway/

https://www.theazuriteway.com/

Connect with Lindsey
www.lindseybournecoaching.com

Get on the waitlist for early access + discounted pricing for or my interactive guidebook, How to Actually Move Through the Power Struggle

If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and/or leave a review to help the podcast reach more listeners! <3

In this episode we explore:

• The difference between regulating your nervous system and actually healing it
•  How attachment wounds drive anxiety, control, and conflict in relationships
•  Why triggers are invitations to tend to your own body instead of reacting outward
•  The hidden ways control shows up in dating, communication, and expectations
•  How the “not enough” wound shapes rejection, abandonment fears, and self-worth
•  What it takes to feel safe with uncertainty in love and intimacy

We talk about how fear, control, and old relational patterns quietly run your relationships, and how learning to create internal safety changes the way you experience dating, conflict, connection, and so much more.

This conversation is an invitation to stop seeking safety outside of yourself and start allowing your relationships to transform you from the inside out.

About Yarrow Kae: Yarrow is spiritual and leadership mentor, clinically trained therapist, nervous system genius, and master of energtics. She specializes in 

Connect with Yarrow

https://www.instagram.com/yarrowkae/

https://www.youtube.com/@yarrowkaeway

The Yarrow Kae Way podcast: https://open.spotify.com/show/4mtglXAacOs0BnZ4YFl0J7?si=5e8e7fdda3034afb

Connect with Lindsey
www.lindseybournecoaching.com

Get on the waitlist for early access + discounted pricing for or my interactive guidebook, How to Actually Move Through the Power Struggle

If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and/or leave a review to help the podcast reach more listeners! <3

In this episode we explore:

• Why your relationship patterns don’t disappear when you walk into work
 • The difference between internal authority and outsourcing validation
 • How triggers at work mirror childhood and attachment wounds
 • The hidden cost of perfectionism, people pleasing, and over-functioning
 • Why your nervous system recreates familiar stress and rejection
 • The link between self-image, success, money, and romantic relationships
 • How to use activation as a portal back to self instead of reacting
 • A practical framework to shift from performance to presence

Ally shares practical ways to work with triggers in real time, rewire subconscious beliefs, and shift from external validation to internal authority, both in leadership and in life.

This conversation is a powerful reminder that healing your patterns in one area transforms every area.

About Ally Erickson: Ally is a leadership mentor who helps high-performing leaders move from performance to presence. Her work focuses on identity, intuition, and self-trust as the foundation of real authority.

Connect with Ally

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/allyerickson/

Podcast "Who Does She Think She Is?"

https://open.spotify.com/show/0teRgNJRNe7z1KqNV7EADg?si=42107f4b24a543dd

Connect with Lindsey
www.lindseybournecoaching.com

Get on the waitlist for early access + discounted pricing for or my interactive guidebook, How to Actually Move Through the Power Struggle

If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and/or leave a review to help the podcast reach more listeners! <3

In this episode we explore:

• Why surface conflicts are never the real issue
• The shared wound underneath couples fights
• How survival mode shapes attraction patterns
• Projection and inner child triggers in relationships
• A practical way to spot and shift your relational cycles

About Rachel Kelly: Rachel helps people to rewire their nervous systems out of survival mode and build secure attachment. She is obsessed with helping you feel your feelings, build internal safety and create a life beyond your wildest dreams!

Connect with Rachel
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/rachel_kelly_coaching/

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@rachelkellycoaching?_r=1&_t=ZT-939h1jQNgDu

Website: https://rachel-kelly.mykajabi.com/

Powerfully Single Program: https://welcome.rachel-kelly-coaching.com/powerfully-single

Connect with Lindsey
www.lindseybournecoaching.com

Get on the waitlist for early access + discounted pricing for or my interactive guidebook, How to Actually Move Through the Power Struggle

If this episode resonated with you, please subscribe and/or leave a review to help the podcast reach more listeners! <3