Relationship Theory

Have you experienced relationships centered around physical attraction? Relationships can fall apart for dozens of reasons, and physical attraction and sex appeal are definitely one of the major reasons. The truth is, we are all having a biological experience as Tom puts it, and in order to have a long lasting relationship,you have to understand human nature. Luckily, there is no pressure or obligation to agree or disagree with it, but as human beings there are natural tendencies we are biologically wired for. Tom and Lisa have a raw conversation about the nature of men and women’s attraction to one another and what we can learn to value to overcome our biological impulses.Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Nature of Attraction | Tom shares how important beauty is in a relationship [0:45]What to Value | Lisa and Tom on insecurities and choosing what to value in yourself [7:59]Losing Attraction | Tom breaks down the pain for men being viewed as harmless [10:31]QUOTES:“In life, you go through phases, enjoy every phase for what it has to offer.” Tom Bilyeu [5:29]“I recognize the danger in valuing my beauty or my physique or how I look [...] I'm not attached to that and I'm not feeling insecure about it.” Lisa Bilyeu [12:50]

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At the root of some of the most common reasons relationships fail is a breakdown or lack of communication. Poor communication makes it difficult to connect and understand what you’re both in need of. To feel heard, respected, and understood in any relationship seems like common sense, and yet so many relationships end because it’s missing. Tom and Lisa share their experiences and lessons from 20+ years together on what it takes to communicate more effectively. Whether you want a simple text during the day or see that your partner is completely out of control you can use these strategies to get a more productive conversation started with your partner. Get proactive so you can prevent the same arguments and misunderstandings from happening again and again.Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Feeling Distant | How to communicate when you’re feeling distant and not connected [0:32]Know Your Patterns | Recognize patterns of disconnection and prevent future problems [5:59]Texting Rules | Agreeing on the expectation versus reality of texting during the day [10:40]Sanity Check | Trusting your partner when emotions cloud your reality and experience [21:59]Past Lessons | Why learning from past experiences is most important to be proactive [33:32]QUOTES:“Don't ever say the other person shouldn't be feeling something because you feel it and it's real.” Tom Bilyeu [7:45]“Don't dismiss the way the other person's feeling even if you don't feel like there's a reason for it.” Lisa Bilyeu [10:34]“You have to let the person really go deep into crazy land before you say you're being crazy.” Tom Bilyeu [28:06]“At the end of the day, the person that really has to get it together is the person that's going through that hard thing.” Tom Bilyeu [32:34]“one of the most powerful things couples can do is learn from the past.” Lisa Bilyeu [33:38]

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What do you do when you and your partner are ready to have kids, and have different views on the best way to raise them? As adults we each have different experiences growing up with how we were disciplined and the beliefs our parents gave us? For some people any form of discipline can be really harsh and too much to accept. For others discipline may have been a necessary evil they grew to appreciate. Whether you are an authoritative parent, permissive parent, or uninvolved parent, the point is when you plan for a family, co-parenting is something that must be discussed. Running through basic scenarios and understanding what pains your partner and what is of high importance is necessary to parent in peace and create a better experience for your child. Tom and Lisa unpack their views on spanking children for discipline and how to respect each other’s opposing religious views. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Raising Children | Preparing to have children and discussing how to raise them [0:18]How to Discipline | Tom and Lisa share opposing views, to spank or not spank your child [1:15]Discuss Discipline | Why you need to decide how to discipline your kids ahead of time [5:20]Different Beliefs | Finding common ground when you don’t agree on religious beliefs [5:51] QUOTES: “There's such a clear line between keeping someone in line and being abusive.” Tom Bilyeu [3:18] “You still should be who you truly are, and for me to ask you to be anything else, I don't think would have been fair, as a partner to do to you.” Lisa Bilyeu [9:35]

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Feeling appreciated in a relationship can look like anything to anyone. Ask 20 people and you’ll get 20 different responses. Obviously, being in a lifelong relationship means that you want your partner to be happy. You want to feel connected to your partner, and making sure he or she is feeling valued, heard, and appreciated is part of a healthy relationship. Tom and Lisa take a look at why being direct and asking your partner what they want, and doing the work to find out what their love language is will add to the health and value of your relationship. Key takeaway in this episode is to stop guessing and make a concerted effort to make your partner feel more loved and appreciated.Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Ask Your Partner | Lisa explains why asking your partner is better than guessing [1:03]Know Their Love Language | Give your partner gifts that match their love language [2:40]Don’t Judge | Lisa shares why you can’t judge your partner’s love language, respect it [6:22]Check-In | Tom discuss if gamifying a routine check-in with each other can be effective [9:35]Feedback | How to give each other feedback in ways that are easier to be received [14:16]Fishbowl Game | Tom reveals his fun feedback idea with a fish bowl and paper [18:56]QUOTES:“If you want to be happy, then you have to take off the judgment and be like, Okay, this is them.” Lisa Bilyeu [6:57]“When you have feedback like that, one, you want to give it as soon as you can. and two, you want to look for a moment where the person is receptive.” Tom Bilyeu [15:59]

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Regardless of debt load, 41% of couples argue over money. Spending, saving, and deciding how to split finances are leading contributors to stress in relationships. Often one partner spends too much and money values collide. Everyone has different experiences growing up that shape their ideals and values around money, so how are couples supposed to navigate these murky waters? Tom and Lisa are sharing their experience with discovering each other’s money values and how they started talking about finances to create money rules that served them well over 20 years.Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, lifelong relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Value Conflict | Tactics to navigate differing money values in a relationship [1:24]Money Rules | Tom’s advice for everyone across the board for handling money [3:15]Money Talk | Lisa on why having an open talk about money and no judgment is a must [5:31]Shared Goals | Why starting with a shared goal makes money decisions easier [6:45]QUOTES:“When someone has a conflicting value with you, they see the world in a way that you think is worse, [...] it really hits you in a visceral way of I don't like this.” Tom Bilyeu [2:22]“If you're unable to save, your lifestyle is out of control and you need to get your lifestyle to a point where you can save…” Tom Bilyeu [3:56]“Assuming that you have the shared goal of what you're trying to accomplish, then the collisions of values will all revolve around which one is going to move us towards the goal more effectively.” Tom Bilyeu [9:28]

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Why is communication in your relationship so important? Not knowing how to express yourself or how to hear your partner’s concerns can really break down a relationship’s intimacy, connection, and ability to survive long term. When you don’t feel understood you can easily feel isolated and uncared for by your partner. So, what’s the fix? What’s the best way to improve communication with your partner? Many people give advice on when to talk, and how to listen, but Tom and Lisa are breaking down 3 core things every healthy relationship needs to communicate better and thrive together. Feel heard and connected to your partner with tips you can start right now. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Defining Terms | [0:37]Problematic Words| [4:10]Theory of Mind | [10:33]Base Assumptions & Values | What you believe to be true about your worldview [13:24] QUOTES: “If you presume that the other person is interpreting things the same way, and then they're responding in a way that doesn't make sense to you. You end up escalating” Tom Bilyeu [1:10] “In a year or two years or three years, hopefully, if you want a long term relationship, that word now may carry a different type of weight than it did when you first established it.” Lisa Bilyeu [13:01]

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Since you were a child romantic love stories were painted for you that reassure you that love was enough to face any bad guys, hurdles, and problems. When you grow up and experience relationships of all kinds, you quickly find out it’s tough to love your way through certain disagreements. Being romantically involved with someone gets complicated. Tom and Lisa start here discussing when you move beyond the early days of physical attraction and the flood of chemicals that put you on cloud 9, what happens then? How do couples survive emotional outcries, insecurities, and arguments? If your goal is to make sure your relationship continues and is able to endure and sustain long term, this may be the most important advice you’ll receive. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Love Isn’t Enough | The controversy of love being necessary but not sufficient [0:27]Love Chasm | Why change during a relationship is what lies between love and divorce [1:53]Change | How change can cause big problems but communication is the solution [3:53] QUOTES: “It doesn’t get you over your insecurities, it doesn’t get you through arguments, it doesn’t get you through disagreements and problems and hurdles, you can’t just love your way out of it.” Lisa Bilyeu [1:36] “The bigger problem is that they never agreed on what it meant in the first place.” Tom Bilyeu [5:50]

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Right now if you were asked to name the best example of a healthy relationship, who comes to mind? Is it someone close to you, your parents, grandparents or someone famous? When you look around for examples of healthy relationships it’s important to look at all types of relationships. Honoring the challenges and turmoil you experience in your relationships is essential. Tom and Lisa share what they both picture to be examples of healthy relationships and why dysfunctionally toxic relationships draw more attention. A fresh perspective on how to view healthy and unhealthy relationships gives more insight on what you are doing well and what you and your partner can improve on. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Healthy Relationships | Tom explains what he believes is a beautiful relationship [0:46]Irreplaceable Bonds | Why Lisa believes the shared experience of a loving relationship [3:19]Dysfunctional | Why people are addicted to dysfunction over healthy relationships [5:03] QUOTES: “That understanding and that internal bond that no one else can take away, is so meaningful and so precious to me” Lisa Bilyeu [3:59] “Humans for whatever reason, just love anything that's heightened. They love the alteration of brain chemistry. Good bad, they just don't want indifferent” Tom Bilyeu [7:09]

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Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.SHOW NOTES:Be Yourself | Why being honest is a must when you want to get serious [0:31]Impression Matters | Lisa shares experience keeping up her image in the beginning [1:40]Winning Strategy | How making an effort and being real about yourself is always best [3:39]Just Eat | Lisa reveals funny experience why not eating on a date doesn’t make sense [5:29] QUOTES:“You have to make an effort. You've got to put your best foot forward, but I'm saying like, when somebody is asking questions about who you are, like be honest about who you are.” Tom Bilyeu [4:10]“The little things that I was worried about, like it doesn't make sense. [...] just be yourself.” Lisa Bilyeu [7:42]

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Were you ever warned about dating outside of your faith, outside of your political beliefs, and culture? Was it ever implied that “people like us…” you can finish the rest. Values matter and are not to be taken lightly when dating and looking for a long term relationship. What Tom and Lisa wrestle with in this episode is why values and beliefs are such a heavy topic to carefully consider when dating. There is a framework of values to be acknowledged and a mindset in which both partners need to carefully approach their differences, if they are to create a long-term marriage that is healthy enough to acknowledge the differences and cater to their common ground. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Shared Value | Value systems matter, curiosity helps to establish common ground [0:46]Respect | How honoring different values with respect for each other is necessary [6:10]Common Values | How to find common values around one you don’t agree with [8:31]Framework Values | The agreement of how you navigate where value collides [12:16]Biological Timing | Why understanding that female hormones change and timing matters [14:39] QUOTES: “What we each demonstrated was a value of honesty, and a value of respecting that what is important to the other person in some way [...] needs to be important to me that it's important to you.” Tom Bilyeu [8:46] “The fact that something that will sound trivial to the audience can be so meaningful and remain meaningful to us over a very long period of time shows how important really figuring out your framework values is” Tom Bilyeu [13:41] “If you're trying to demean my position, whether you agree with it or not, it like them becomes a sticking point for me [...] about the fact that I feel undermined.” Lisa Bilyeu [14:21]

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