Relationship Theory

You may agree, there is nothing more exhilarating than a brand new relationship. You're excited, the chemistry is strong, and sexual compatibility is perfect. When the novelty begins to wear off and the 1st week turns into the 1st month, the 1st year and suddenly 5 years or more have passed, where is your excitement level? How is the chemistry and sex life years later for most couples? Tom and Lisa tackle the question, how much do you need to work on the relationship and if chemistry should still be present. The cliff notes version of this is yes! If you want a long lasting healthy relationship, it takes work and it takes more effort than you think. Tom excitedly declares, when you're with the right person, it can be "the ride of a lifetime."

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice to help you Build a Beautiful Relationship.

SHOW NOTES:

Nonstop Work | Tom on why it requires nonstop work to grow and it starts with chemistry [0:42]

Chemistry Not Enough | Lisa on why chemistry is needed at first but it's not enough alone [2:55]

Female Chemistry | Women need trust and chemistry to feel sexual gratification [4:19]

Put In Work | Tom reflects on how every aspect of life with value requires effort [5:07]

Meaning of Work | Why the word "work" has negative connotation. What it really means [6:33]

Effort | Swapping the word 'work' for 'effort' and understanding everything takes effort [8:26]

Worth the Effort | Lisa on how marriage hasn't been easy but it's been worth the effort [9:50]

QUOTES:

"There are a number of hours that we have spent having conversations I think neither of us wanted to have. Because they make you feel emotions, you don't want to feel or they're tedious. But oh my god, are they rewarding." Tom Bilyeu [2:40]

"We work very hard to maintain the chemistry to maintain our relationship to maintain our closeness" Lisa Bilyeu [3:55]

"We want love to be this magical thing that sort of sits outside of real life, but everything in my life, [...] requires work and focus and effort." Tom Bilyeu [5:30]

"When you make this statement, 'Oh, I love my job so much. It doesn't even feel like work.' My thing is that actually almost certainly isn't true. It's that you love something so much, it's worth the work." Tom Bilyeu [7:47]

When you or your partner set goals, support and encourage each other. When either of you behave in a way that is less desirable and not obvious, do you let it go or speak up? In real meaningful relationships, having difficult conversations are unavoidable and necessary. If you and your partner have built trust into your foundation then needing to say hard things to your partner can be a little easier (though still uncomfortable) and better received (though it may sting). Tom and Lisa emphasize the importance of why trust is desperately needed in the relationship to deliver feedback that is difficult or negative. Also, the value of conversations ahead of time sets the flow and expectation you have for each other. So, if you've found yourself in this situation lately or it hasn't happened yet, Tom and Lisa are breaking down everything you need to have the best relationship and the best outcome possible when the truth is a must and feelings are on the line.

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

Trust | Tom on why difficult feedback has to come from love and trust in a relationship [0:40]

Blind Spots | Why you both need to crave seeing what you're blind to and trust each other [2:54]

Buy In | Lisa explains why your partner needs to buy into wanting to hear hard truths [4:22]

Accountable | Why waiting for your partner to complain first is more effective [5:23]

QUOTES:

"You have to covet hearing the hard things, and ironically, it's almost always harder to say the hard things than it is to hear it because you know how you're going to make the other person feel." Tom Bilyeu [1:29]

"When you tell me something that's a shortcoming, I trust you that you're saying it for my own good." Lisa Bilyeu [10:11]

In a healthy relationship communication is literally everything. When you are in pain, frustrated, excited, pissed or anxious, it's a beautiful thing to be able to speak with your partner about anything and everything. However, there is a line and capacity you don't want to abuse. If the majority of your conversations and interactions are negative, extra needy, or filled with complaints about everything, there are two things you should be aware of. Tom and Lisa explain why having healthy friendships outside of the relationship or marriage can be beneficial, and why it's important that you check yourself on the negative chatter. There is no one around, not even yourself that would want to take part in a friendship or relationship where 80% of the conversations are filled with negativity.

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

Value of Friends | Tom on why friendships are valuable but not a necessity in relationship [0:44]

Being Needy | If there's lots of emotional needs spread it out and making effort to soothe [1:13]

Negative Space | Why spending majority relationship time in negativity is a losing strategy [3:09]

Do The Work | You need to do the work, focus on fixing the negativity issue an bring joy [3:51]

QUOTES:

"If you're spending the majority of our relationship time in a negative space [...] it's a bad fucking strategy." Tom Bilyeu [3:10]

"Find people because that shit is fun. It shouldn't be because you just focus in a negative place and your partner's like burning out." Tom Bilyeu [5:07]

Betrayal in any relationship is so difficult to deal with, but when it's in a romantic relationship it's even messier. Everyone's beliefs, experiences, and ideas of what infidelity really looks like is so different. While there is no judgement for how one relationship views it versus another, it's still very hurtful for the person in a relationship that has their trust broken. Trust is such a delicate thing. It's very difficult to build and takes so much time. Like a priceless glass vase, it can be shattered quite easily as well. If your partner has cheated on you, or perhaps you have cheated on your partner, it is important to understand the context of this episode is based around fidelity and trust as Tom and Lisa have defined it for themselves. It is so important that you have conversations with your partner to define your own lines of trust so that you are both clear how to avoid breaching those lines to build a long lasting, healthy and happy relationship.

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

2nd Chances | Lisa on why cheating is non-negotiable with no 2nd chances [0:31]

No Reasons | Lisa on how reasons for cheating reveals something broken in relationship [1:26]

Broken Trust | Tom on why being someone's number one and the need for trust is critical [2:58]

Be 100% | Not being in a relationship where fear is a factor requires being all in with trust [5:40]

QUOTES:

"It's not about the cheating itself. It's about what caused you to do that." Lisa Bilyeu [1:30]

"To feel like you're somebody's number one, I think that's probably the most intoxicating thing about a relationship." Tom BIlyeu [3:36]

"Everybody just has to draw their own line, say this is what's important to me, this is what I'm willing to put up with..." Tom Bilyeu [7:23]

This is a judgement free zone. If you're not comfortable talking about sex, you may not be ready for sex yet. When it comes to dating, the million dollar question for men and women comes down to having sex on the first date and knowing when is the right time to have sex? Does having sex on the first date or too early in the relationship compromise your values or dampen your chemistry and compatibility? Tom and Lisa keep it straight forward and discuss their thoughts on having sex early in the relationship and on the first date. This topic ultimately comes down to being responsible, assessing the risk and determining what is safe for you given your particular situation. So, let's talk about sex on first dates.

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

1st Date Sex | Tom shares a male's perspective having sex on the first date [0:48]

Feeling Safe | The importance of feeling safe and accurately assessing character [2:46]

Moving Fast | Tom talks about why moving too fast is an individual decision not a rule [3:56]

Compatibility | Lisa on why sexual compatibility is a must for a long term relationship [4:25]

Taking it Slow | Be clear on the why you're having sex and what you really want out of it [5:47]

Danger | Tom on being safe and the need to be thoughtful and have trust before sex [7:13]

Sex Journey | Tom explains how getting to the part of having sex is truly a journey [9:02]

QUOTES:

"If it's a long term relationship, I think I would take it slower [...] take more time to hear what their values are to see if we are compatible in mindsets, compatible in the way that we think, and then I would build the trust and then have sex. " Lisa Bilyeu [6:12]

"If you don't know and trust that person and feel like you're communicating well, that could get dicey. It's an intense proposition. People do need to be super thoughtful about how they handle it." Tom Bilyeu [8:14]

"The reality is that sex is this thrilling, fascinating, risky, dangerous, bizarre, beautiful thing, and that we get to take advantage of it that we get to have those experiences is really extraordinary." Tom Bilyeu [11:26]

Every relationship experiences times when you feel less appreciated or your partner says or does something that leaves you feeling hurt. How do you let your partner know that you're not feeling appreciated? How do you let them know what they said was kind of hurtful? Tom and Lisa have lots of experience to share and in this episode they're breaking down simple tips to help you open up to your partner without making them feel attacked. Sometimes the hardest part of addressing the things that hurt us in our relationships is doing so without putting the other person on the defensive. It's all about the delivery and timing with your partner that determines how successful you are in communicating your feelings.

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

Start Positive | Lisa explains why starting with positivity helps your partner hear you [0:42]

Be Authentic | Tom shares why being respectful and honest when giving feedback is best [3:09]

Timing | Know the best time to have conversations before it builds up and being tactful [5:18]

Key to Kingdom | Tell your partner about the behaviors you want from them beforehand [8:27]

QUOTES:

"When you start with something negative no matter what I say after that, [...] you almost don't hear it." Lisa Bilyeu [1:18]

"If you criticize somebody, they are at least for a brief period of time, they are going to feel attacked" Tom Bilyeu [3:58]

"Tell the other person how to reach you in difficult moments, tell the other person when a good moment is for something like that, and then deliver it in a way that is tactful and not aggressive and not meant to be hurtful." Tom Bilyeu [5:49]

Family relationships are so important. Within the same family both healthy and unhealthy relationships can exist. The relationships you have with different family members shape you and impact your view of the world. Sadly there seems to be those few people in every family that always get a pass on their bad behaviors. They do something unacceptable or say something outrageous and everyone is like, 'it's okay, you know how she is.' How much poor behavior is excusable and tolerable when they continue to hurt feelings and cross the line? If you're like Lisa, you may be the person that feels compelled to step in and call out the bad behavior, but does that resolve anything? If you're like Tom, it may be easier for you to not engage and be more dismissive of their disruptive behavior. Either way, Tom and Lisa break down the advantages and disadvantages to both responses and share strategies for how to respond (or not respond) when it feels like a losing battle.

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

Stepping In | Lisa on when stepping in makes situation worse and can be just as bad [0:52]

Accept People | How to see that inappropriate behavior can come from insecurity also [4:21]

Boundaries | Be clear on where you draw the line there is no moral insecurity to fight over [5:32]

Feeling Attacked | Why feeling attacked doesn't mean you need to convince anyone [7:02]

Being Right | The problem trying to prove you are right and knowing a losing strategy [12:30]

QUOTES:

"Inserting myself into a situation where it's you and someone else, especially if it's a family member. Now I'm just becoming more of a problem than I am the resolution." Lisa Bilyeu [3:17]

"When somebody is able to get under your skin, it's because you're insecure. And when they're trying to get under your skin. It's because they're insecure." Tom Bilyeu [6:02]

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

Defined Role | Why it's not overstepping when you know your role in the company [0:25]

Backseat Dynamic | How to navigate the dynamics of being in your spouse's business  [2:27]

Respect | The best way to show respect and still speak up when you feel the need [5:33]

QUOTES:

"If you've got a great idea, speak up, but if they don't pay attention to it, don't get offended by it." Lisa Bilyeu [5:33]

In the beginning stages of falling in love almost nothing your partner does could ever bother you. After the honeymoon phase is over and things start to settle you may start to notice habits and behaviors that are annoying or even make you uncomfortable. So how do you deal with your partner's annoying behavior without hurt feelings and before you reach the point of no return? Tom and Lisa share how and why it's important to have these hard conversations. Perhaps more importantly, they break down exactly why the value system you build your relationship on is so critical and must consist of trust and honesty at its foundation.

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

Honesty First | Why being honest and having trust allows you to say hard things [0:49]

Hard Talks | How to have the hard conversations when your partner annoys you [1:50]

Perspective | Tom the importance seeing your partner's world and reasons first [4:17]

Approach | There is no right or wrong in seeing the experience for both of you [8:22]

What's Important | Why you have to know what's important for each other [9:53]

QUOTES:

"Approach the situation knowing it's real that it bothers me, and the only thing that will make it bother me more is if I can't talk about it." Tom Bilyeu [3:12]

"I have to speak up, I have to say that this is bothering me. And as a promise, you need to hear me." Lisa Bilyeu [11:06]

One of the more uncomfortable conversations to bring up when your dating is talking honestly about how many sexual partners and relationships you've had. While they are uncomfortable, there is an internal peace and confidence you can have from knowing yourself and having learned a few things along the way. Afterall, you'll never know your favorite brand of ice cream until you've tried a couple flavors at least. But, what about people that never explore or experience relationships and go straight into a lifelong commitment without knowing any other experiences, good or bad, except the one they commit to? Does it work out, or does it end in regret and a longing for all the opportunities missed? Tom and Lisa discuss the upside of gaining experience prior to settling down as well as the potential downside of missing out on true love because you've used too much time exploring opportunities and experiences.

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

Bad Strategy | Why heading into marriage without experience may be bad strategy [1:05]

Know Yourself | Tom explains the value of being on your own and figuring out yourself [2:30]

F.O.M.O. | Deciding to forsake others versus lamenting you've never been with others [4:18]

Benefit of Experience | Lisa on how experiences can help you see what you really want [6:19]

QUOTES:

"every human being needs to go out into the woods, and get lost and find themselves before they get in a relationship." Tom Bilyeu [3:02]

"Experiences do kind of help show you what you like, what you don't like, and what is for you and what isn't for you" Lisa Bilyeu [7:50]

"Weigh the options and then make a decision and go like go down that path and don't look back" Lisa Bilyeu [9:08]