Relationship Theory

One thing nearly every single couple does is argue and have disagreements. Communication allows you both to heal and address the issues that cause the arguments, but what happens when those issues, however small, are not being addressed? Does being pissed off for a day or multiple times in a month, or a year lead to bigger problems? Is it normal to fall out of love with your partner or spouse? Being pissed is one thing, but being in a relationship with someone you no longer like or have love for is an entirely different thing. In this episode, the main things to know are:● Do not ignore red flags● Relationships take a lot of work from both partners● Speak up about what you want Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Prevention | Why Tom and Lisa has been able to avoid falling out of love with each other [0:41]Red Flags | Being annoyed with actions is not same as disliking someone, address it [1:54]Do the Work | Why would you want to stay in relationship with someone you don’t like [4:36]Separate Happily | Lisa on her parents divorcing and being happier apart than together [7:09]Value-Add | Why relationships require work but should give you more value than it takes [9:37]What You Want | Speaking up about what you want is so important and selfish desires [12:24] QUOTES: “Being annoyed with someone hating what they do, is very different than hating the person. Being frustrated, being annoyed with them, being mad at them, being upset with them, is very different than not liking them.” Lisa Bilyeu [2:26] “It's way more important for us to be connected to never get to the point where I no longer like you or you no longer like me, and in order to do that, you have to say the hard thing, you have to say the things that no one wants to hear.” Lisa Bilyeu [4:18] “The cost of love is eternal vigilance, like you must be on that forever, you cannot take for granted not for a minute.” Tom Bilyeu [10:18]

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Do you have rules of engagement on social media as a couple? Having open communication is a common theme and the foundation for the success of Tom and Lisa’s 20+ years together. Being able to share with your partner how you feel about posting things that involve you and the relationship, or things that may indirectly include you is necessary. Tom and Lisa explore areas of posting you’ll want to consider. Being open-minded in the beginning of the relationship and actively seeking what your partner’s worldview of social media is will be critical for you to have a healthy relationship. Being a long-lasting happy couple starts with communication, respect, and thoughtfulness about what your partner is okay with both on social media and in everyday life. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Attention | Lisa on why Tom’s attention and not feeling neglected is important [0:41]Posting Rules | Having conversation about what gets posted together or apart [2:55]Respect | How to tactfully navigate posting and honoring your partner’s requests [7:42]Worldview | Your partner may have different worldview of social media and it’s okay [9:57]The Question | Tom explains the most important question to ask about worldview [11:26]Changing Views | You can’t expect your partner’s view to change about social media [15:51] QUOTES: “Their worldview of social media is completely different. They seem like an alien to me, and I probably seem like an alien to them.” Lisa Bilyeu [10:11] “Don't judge them for doing something that may seem completely bizarre to you because they may not realize it's bizarre.” Lisa Bilyeu [11:17] “It is entirely crazy to me that people will give up things that they're deeply passionate about, because it doesn't jive with that other person.” [11:47] Tom Bilyeu

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So, you found the love of your life and you have so much in common. What happens when you reach a point where you have to go with your gut and it’s telling you to take a different route than you planned. The anxiety of turning down unknown possibilities and closing doors you thought made sense can be debilitating. When you add to that anxiety the realization of having to break this to your partner it can feel like cutting yourself off from air. You are entitled to change directions and take different paths even when they don’t align with the things that bond and connect you and your partner. Being supported and having the wisdom to know how to go about doing so without damaging your relationship is what Tom and Lisa are discussing in this episode. The task of closing doors that don’t serve you, changing directions and going after new dreams while making sure to not lose yourself in your partner’s passions and ambition takes awareness of self and a strong sense of your identity. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Shutting Doors | Tom on why deciding what opportunities to not pursue was so important [0:46]Changing Dreams | Lisa’s response to Tom changing the dream that bonded them [3:03]Losing Yourself | Losing yourself over to someone’s passion and lack of strong identity [5:35] QUOTES: “Most people don't have anything to give up. They don't have a sense of identity, they don't know who they are, they don't know what they want, they don't have a strong sense of path and course and purpose, and because they don't have that they get swept up in the person who has more of that” Tom Bilyeu [8:00] “It really is going into a relationship where like, what is important to you? And what are the things that for you, you have to keep for yourself and make sure that you don't let go of those things.” Lisa Bilyeu [11:13]

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Are you using your partner to overcome insecurities and selfishly get what you want? We’ve all been there at some point, and that’s okay. There are times when feeling insecure just happens and you need to work through those feelings. But how do you work through those feelings without destroying your relationship? Tom and Lisa share how they work through this situation and find ways to support each other, and discuss when it’s possibly time to seek professional help and more intense options to help your partner through insecurities when their behavior becomes irrational. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Security | Being in relationship is with the security to be comfortable leaning on partner [0:35]Irrational | Dealing with insecure behaviors that no longer makes sense for situation [3:31]Get Help | When it’s time to get professional help and using cognitive behavior therapy [4:55]Work Together | Helping your partner through their insecurities and doing the work [7:27]Confidence | The danger of overly relying on your partner to help you with confidence [10:54]2 Part Solution | Finding balance of leaning on you partner and doing work for yourself [12:44] QUOTES: “So being in a relationship is a sacrifice. The question is, what do you get out of the relationship that's worth all the sacrifices?” Tom Bilyeu [1:37] “Like it was easy when it was easy. Now I get to earn my stripes on it's hard and I get to really find that connection again.” Tom Bilyeu [9:52] “If I'm just relying on you to give me confidence and to make me feel okay with my insecurities, then I think it could be dangerous” Lisa Bilyeu [12:06] “When someone's insecure or having trouble or feeling down or something like that, there's got to be a beautiful balance of love, support, emotional support but also pushing them to be better.” Lisa Bilyeu [15:56]

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you’re not in a relationship and you’re debating if you should pursue love and building a relationship first or going after your business or career goals, this may be the advice you’ve been waiting for. Tom believes 100% that going after your ambition should be a priority long before pursuing a relationship. Yet, this isn’t exactly how things worked out for himself and Lisa. Though it makes sense to go all out and pursue your dreams and ambitions, there is an upside to falling head over heels for the love of your life. Tom and Lisa recount how love and marriage have affected their goals to pursue entrepreneurship from the very beginning. If you can’t avoid which comes first, Tom and Lisa’s experience fully captures what it looks like to find a partner for life that challenges you, that compliments your drive and gives you the push and support you need. Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They’re taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships. SHOW NOTES: Ambition First | Prioritize ambition over relationships if you favor time & energy to succeed [0:43]Being Supported | When a partner supports you & becomes a teammate to push you [6:18]Taking the Lead | How knowing role of leadership helps an ambitious partner forward [12:25]Sparring Partners | Cultivating dynamic environment to push and challenge your partner [15:04] QUOTES: “When you're on the team, your performance matters and it affects other people and so I love [...] that pressure of I'm going to fucking show up for this team. I'm going to perform at the highest level you can count on me.” Tom Bilyeu [8:50] “I am so impressed by your ability to wade through a river of emotional punishment, when you really believe in something, and I hate at the same time.” Tom Bilyeu [12:48] “At some point they have to make the decision as the leader and in our relationship it’s very important to know that role..” Lisa Bilyeu [13:18] “You're convincible, but you're never going to be pushed around and because of that, it lets me go hard” Tom Bilyeu [15:04] “I want you to be strong, I want you to push me. I want you to sometimes argue my beliefs, because I don't know if I'm right sometimes, and being pushed allows me to think through the situation and then articulate it.” Lisa Bilyeu [16:13] “Instead of feeling like I've now been diminished, or now I've been proven wrong, and that makes me stupid [...] you've actually just enlightened me to something and now I can be stronger for it, and I can look at you as my husband as empowering me.” [17:58]

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Being married and having children demands a certain amount of time, energy and effort thanks to spoken and unspoken expectations. Your time, however, must also be reserved for prioritizing your own needs and not just everyone else's. Tom and Lisa are discussing how to stand up to your overly demanding family and prioritize your own selfish needs. It's a process and if you've been putting everyone else first for the last several years, this will take a great amount of effort, but it will be worth it.

 

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

 

SHOW NOTES:

 

Demonstrate | How to make your family feel important and why you need selfish time [0:44]

Selfish Pivot | The best way to rebuild your identity after years of putting you to the side [4:39]

Carving Space | Actual tips for carving space and creating boundaries with your family [6:46]

Small Things | Understand and define what's really meaningful for your family and spouse [7:52]

Boundaries | Be clear with your family about expectations and enforce your boundaries [9:14]

Guilty Transition | Value of being consistent and dealing with the guilt of being selfish [11:18]

 

QUOTES:

 

"I'm going to do what the fuck I want to do, I'm going to build the life I want to build that is that that's a non negotiable." Tom Bilyeu [1:22]

 

"You have to make those people feel that they are your number one, but that does not mean that they get the majority of your time" Tom Bilyeu [4:25]

 

"I'm the type of person that realizes you will be fucking consumed by other people if you let it. And while it's amazing for them, it is ultimately corrosive for you." Tom Bilyeu [5:35]

 

"Being a good mother you should be happy within yourself, with being a great wife, you need to be content with yourself, and so if you're not working on that, then you can't deliver." Lisa Bilyeu [12:31]

Being in a sex deprived marriage or relationship doesn't sound like the goal everyone is aiming for, yet so many people have found themselves in this exact situation. The number of reasons you may be experiencing this in your particular relationship could be anything. Tom and Lisa are answering the question, how to survive a sexual drought when the sex drive is super low. They get super vulnerable as Lisa shares her experience feeling less sexual and not being able to have sex as often because of her medical issues. They are sharing the 2 biggest pieces of advice to help you thrive and survive your next sex drought.

 

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

 

SHOW NOTES:

 

Understanding | Why it's not a sexual drought when there are serious medical issues [0:45]

No Pressure | Lisa on how supportive Tom was during her medical issues, no pressure [1:41]

Feeling Sexual | Feeling less sexual and badly even if your partner is being supportive [3:07]

Open Talks |Having open talks about how you're feeling, no judgement, just check in [4:40]

Incest Taboo | A sexless marriage gives room for incest taboo, turning into roommates [6:19]

Maintenance | 2 ways to keep your relationship alive: frequent sex & communication [9:42]

Compromising | When sex drives are mismatched and not aligned, meet in the middle [12:09]

Changing Love | Tom on ways to fall in love again with physical changes & feel desired [13:54]

Secret to 20 Years | Lisa shares how having the uncomfortable conversations is the key [17:25]

 

QUOTES:

 

"Be open about how you're feeling. It's no judgement, it's no pressure on the other person." Lisa Bilyeu [4:43]

 

"You have to have sex often. You have to be very thoughtful not to let much time elapse. because it keeps that relationship dynamic alive." Tom Bilyeu [9:45]

 

"In a marriage, you have to negotiate this stuff, and that means that each of you are going to give a little." Tom Bilyeu [13:00]

 

"Why isn't he attracted to me anymore?', [...] because neither of you ever created the space in the first place that you could have the honest discussion" Lisa Bilyeu [19:08]

When it comes to dating, choosing the right person to give a try, or not, can be so tricky. You need to have a set of standards, boundaries and a list of qualities and traits you use when deciding who to date. You've heard it before and it's worth repeating again, "selection matters." The question is how do you begin to make a list of those qualities, beliefs and values and prioritize them. Many of you may agree that starting with standards and boundaries is a great move, but how much weight does that list of qualities hold? Tom and Lisa discuss how much they each hit the mark (or not) on each other's list of predetermined desired traits. It comes down to knowing your personal values, knowing what qualities you're looking for, and it's more important to be open to unexpected new things, and discovering who someone is.

 

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

 

SHOW NOTES:

 

Preconceived Notions | Why relying on your instincts over a premade checklist is better [1:32]

Fundamentals | Lisa shares why fundamentals are more important than characteristics [5:23]

Be Open | discovery and open to unexpected [8:39]

 

QUOTES:

 

"With online dating you're really making a decision on paper before you make a decision in real life." Tom Bilyeu [2:45]

 

"If I had made sure you had to hit these marks before going on that first date, I don't know if we ever would have gotten that first date, and then within that I found all these small intriguing things I never realized existed" Lisa Bilyeu [7:49]

Friends and family are obviously not always going to agree or even understand the decisions you are making in your relationship. What is decided between you and your partner really doesn't concern others. But, when you are driven for success and the people around you don't understand why you are doing the things you do, it gets frustrating. Tom and Lisa give their take on how to think through a family that doesn't know how to support you, and navigating the thought process, are these people coming from a place of good intentions and well meaning for you and your partner or not. Aside from Tom's advice to have absolute clarity of the vision you are aiming for, Lisa's advice is the perfect compliment, to not allow their doubts to poison your thoughts.

 

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice to help you build a beautiful relationship.

 

SHOW NOTES:

 

Holding You Back | Why family try to hold you back and protect you from pain and failure [0:38]

Judging Your Partner | When people think you're partner's decisions are foolish [3:34]

Gifted Doubt | Tom shares how to leverage people not believing in you as motivation [7:36]

Family Pressure | Feeling like you always have to justify and not allowing doubt in [9:45]

 

QUOTES:

 

"They're putting limitations on because they love you, they care about you, they're worried about you, they want you to be successful, but they define success oftentimes as the freedom from suffering." Tom Bilyeu [2:08]

 

"It doesn't matter what other people think. And even if we failed, I had to get okay with being okay to fail" Lisa Bilyeu [7:04]

 

"If you know how to leverage the people who want for your failure, if you know how to leverage the people who don't believe in you and you can believe in yourself in those moments [...] it's a gift" Tom Bilyeu [9:19]

 

"This is my life, this is no one else's, and as long as me and you are on the same page, and as long as me and you have that same vision and are both in communication about what we're doing and in what those next steps are, it doesn't matter what other people think." Lisa Bilyeu [12:27]

 

"Whether it's somebody with good intentions, somebody that has bad intentions, it's irrelevant, like performance wins." Tom Bilyeu [12:56]

Being told the truth can sting. If it touches on a matter that is emotional for your partner then it is important it's done with respect and love. But what about when the subject is not so serious and you aren't a fan of the shirt your partner decided to wear to dinner? Or maybe your partner just has bad breath and it needs to be said. How you deliver the truth is ultra important.Tom and Lisa dive into this question and discuss what matters enough to be said and when omitting the truth about how you feel on something may be permissible. The goal is to never weaken your relationship, and how you communicate truth to one another needs to be handled very carefully.

 

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

 

SHOW NOTES:

 

Honesty | Tom and Lisa discuss filtering thoughts vs. carefully presenting your thoughts [0:27]

Omitted Truth | Deciding the kinds of things to just not say versus not lying to your partner [1:48]

Truth Threshold | How much truth is necessary, what is an absolute thing to be said [4:32]

Hiding Truth | Distinguishing what you're deliberately hiding and what matters to be told [6:11]

 

QUOTES:

 

"No matter how hard it is, no matter how small or big it is, we have to always be honest with each other." Lisa Bilyeu [2:00]

 

"You're way better to err on the side of too much information than not enough." Tom Bilyeu [6:17]

 

"You're never going to have the relationship you want to have unless you're open about virtually everything." Tom Bilyeu [6:38]

 

"I don't think of it as being too much information because that's what makes it too much, is the irrelevancy. Once it's relevant, it's not too much information." Tom Bilyeu [9:37]