Relationship Theory

How necessary is it for both you and your partner to be in the same phase of life for the relationship to work? Selection definitely matters when it comes to choosing who you want to share your life with, and who you decide to share time and resources with matters as well. But, what happens when you have a growth mindset and clarity on the direction you want to take your life in, but the person you love and want to be with isn't sure about their own path? Healthy, long term relationships don't require you to agree on everything, and it doesn't mean that you see eye to eye on everything either. Differences between you and your partner can make the relationship interesting, meaningful, exciting, and worth fighting for. However, mindset matters and may be more important than chemistry and your sex life together. Tom and Lisa discuss how and under what circumstances incompatible mindsets will break a relationship and when it's worth the effort to stay together.

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

Selection Matters | Tom emphasizes the importance of choosing who you date wisely [1:00]

Help Your Partner | How to help your partner find their path and passion with compassion [1:47]

Incompatible Mindset | Not wanting to give up on your partner's mindset if potential exist [4:56]

QUOTES:

"I think having one fixed mindset, one growth mindset is a recipe for disaster." Tom Bilyeu [1:35]

In any healthy and lasting relationship, effective communication is necessary. Unfortunately, in a relationship you don't always agree on how to arrive at the outcome, even when you both agree on the end result. Tom and Lisa break down strategies that have worked for them when they don't see eye to eye. How they communicate and get to the root of what is actually going on is one of the most important strategies that have helped. Finding common ground over the things that are mutually beneficial and that ultimately, bring you together is a powerful technique to getting past the small things. If you need to find better ways to communicate this will help you learn how to peel back the layers that are blocking your progress and happiness, and get to the center of what will move your relationship forward to the next level together.

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

Don't Judge | Tom explains why the #1 rule is to not be judgemental of each other [0:57]

Golden Ticket | Able to communicate, insecurities and pettiness to get pass the major shit [2:40]

Vulnerability | Why it feels good and validates you even when your perception differ [4:57]

Different strategies | Why it's better to align over the goal not on how you get it [5:38]

QUOTES:

"The only baseline element that is needed for our belief system to make sense as a growth mindset." [2:10]

"If I had to put my finger on and say this is where we've really won, it's that we're able to communicate our insecurities, our pettiness, to get beyond the tea as we call it." [2:47]

"Whatever your like thing is, even if it's petty, even if it's insecurity, even if it's jealousy, strip the emotion away and just say what it is" [4:17]

"If you do want to get this result out of me, this is actually a tweak to strategy that I think you need because otherwise I'm not going to be able to get there" [6:52]

Boundaries are absolutely necessary, and without a doubt you should have personal boundaries in any healthy relationship. But what do you do when your boundaries are getting in the way of you creating a relationship? Are you stuck in a place where you want to get into a relationship, or maybe you want to take it to the next level, but you're stumbling over being too rigid or too laxed on your personal boundaries? Tom and Lisa walk you through several scenarios that may be tripping you up when it comes to setting boundaries and being relaxed enough to give the relationship space and opportunity to grow. As with every healthy relationship, communication is at the center of this issue as well. From being open, to defining types of boundaries, to recognizing your base assumptions, these tips will definitely help you.

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

Open to Relationship | Why single person thinking in a relationship defeats the purpose [1:58]

Create Boundaries | How Tom and Lisa established boundaries when they started dating [4:48]

Hard & Soft Boundaries | Why preset boundaries can be a problem and non-negotiables [6:28]

Framing Boundaries | 2 responses to boundaries tested, shut it down vs. maybe later [8:48]

Introducing Boundaries | Lisa's advice for how to address boundaries at the right time [10:11]

Communicate | How you communicate your boundaries and limits is critical [12:30]

Taken Advantage Of | Why Tom says people don't take advantage of you they only try [15:15]

Assign Levels | Lisa shares example and reason assigning levels helps communication [18:05]

Base Assumptions | The problem when both people think things are self evidently clear [20:19]

Appreciate Friction | Why friction between people can be desirable & best for attraction [24:07]

QUOTES:

"Part of the joy of being in a relationship is to actually open yourself up to being a pair, and you've got to want that." Tom Bilyeu [2:40]

"Be in a relationship, don't be in a relationship doesn't really matter, but whatever you do, do it all the way. Like if you're going to be in a relationship, be in a relationship." Tom Bilyeu [3:47]

"Setting boundaries beforehand can be a little dangerous, because you may be setting some interest, you may be closing yourself off." Lisa Bilyeu [7:13]

"It's not that people are taking advantage of you because you either let that happen or you don't, but people can overextend." Tom Bilyeu [16:21]

"We may not agree with each other, a collision of values, but now we can understand each other, and that alleviates a lot." Tom Bilyeu [23:35]

"Public service announcement: In life, people have got to want a diversity of opinion. You've gotta want it. You have to believe that what makes the world work is the friction between competing viewpoints." Tom Bilyeu [24:13]

No doubt there are things you sacrifice in every relationship. Sometimes the sacrifices are mutual and other times they tend to be more one sided. The time comes when you have to ask yourself, who's the sacrifice for? Is it for you or for your partner? You can't be annoyed if your sacrifice is not appreciated or well received. Tom and Lisa share several of their own examples and explain why it may be better to give the gift your partner values and wants to receive, or accept that the sacrifice is something you're doing to align with your own identity and reasons with no expectations.

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

Mutual Sacrifice | How to employ daily or weekly sacrifices for each other in relationship [0:29]

Compromise | Tom shares why compromise is like sacrifice [1:06]

Small Sacrifices | Lisa explains why the small sacrifices matter [1:32]

Physical Sacrifice | Tom explains how he takes on physical sacrifice for Lisa [2:01]

Time Sacrifice | Lisa shares how time is sacrificed for ambition and support [3:38]

One Sided Sacrifice | How self-imposed sacrifices can go not well received or appreciated [4:53]

QUOTES:

"Give the gift the other person will actually be able to receive because they want it." Tom Bilyeu [5:59]

There is something beautiful and magical about being able to witness and experience the growth of the people you love. In romantic relationships it is also to get caught up in the selfishness of not wanting the person you married to change who they are or the things they do. True love and successful life long relationships require you to have the hard conversations and be supportive of each other as you both evolve to new heights, dream bigger, and become more ambitious and capable. Having a front row seat to that kind of journey can make the connection between you two even stronger. Tom and Lisa discuss the importance of not ever needing to choose between your ambitious goals and the love of your life. Seeing each other through the turning points with admiration and love in your eyes is definitely the way to go if you're down to ride to the end.

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

Not Choosing | Why you shouldn't have to choose between ambitious goals & relationship [0:43]

Drawn to Ambition | Supporting the drive that attracted you doesn't mean take from it [4:18]

Working Together | Why working requires rules of engagement but can be great [5:52]

Turning Points | Valuing the turning points and witnessing each other's grow [6:24]

QUOTES:

"The relationship wouldn't be able to survive somebody saying, you should stop being ambitious, or you should stop your quest for self mastery" Tom Bilyeu [1:00]

"I know what is ultimately the most important thing. And if you're not happy, and you're not driven, then me and you are not as connected." Lisa Bilyeu [4:59]

There are so many stereotypes out there for men and women, especially around communication. Women talk more than men. Men talk to get things done, and women talk for emotional connection. While there is a bit of truth in every stereotype, it's more important to recognize that men and women should be treated as individuals not as categories. If you're in a relationship with a partner that is way more verbal than you are, we've got tips and a few tricks you can use to deepen your connection and make your relationship more meaningful. Regardless if you or your partner prefer to speak less, communication is a must and of the highest importance in any loving and long lasting relationship.

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

Question | How to encourage verbal communication with a partner that doesn't say much [0:21]

Talkative Partners | Why women have been noted to speak 3 times more than men [0:54]

Quiet Partners | Why being quiet isn't best for the relationship, externalize something [2:05]

Affirmations | How nodding or words of affirmation can help in communication together [3:29]

Clear Intentions | Importance of being clear about what you need in the moment [4:41]

QUOTES:

"Just because he has a desire to be quiet does not mean that's good for the relationship." Tom Bilyeu [2:22]

"You have to push yourself, if you're like, just innately you want to be quiet, and you want to go internal, but the other person needs that then you've got to really push." Tom Bilyeu [3:51]

"Asking you the question of what I'm looking for, I think is important because if you're not typically a verbal communicator, then I think it's the other person's responsibility for saying, this is what I need from you right now." Lisa Bilyeu [6:12]

In a healthy loving relationship, neither partner is looking for ways to hurt their partner's feelings. On a long enough time line, however, hurting each other's feelings or accidentally pushing each other's trigger points is bound to happen. It doesn't mean there's any love lost, but it doesn't mean that work needs to be done to diffuse the situation, resolve the issue, and reconnect. Tom and Lisa have come up with a few ways of handling these rare moments for when sh*t hits the fan, tempers flare and feelings are hurt. Their tips will help you stay even-keeled and minimize any relationship damage by sharing tactics for you to put into place long before the next argument happens. The key is not pretending or fooling yourselves into thinking, "that'll never happen". The key is to be prepared and have these conversations while you're emotionally sober.

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

Diffusing the Situation | Lisa shares tactics for diffusing an argument before it starts [1:31]

Time & Space | Lisa shares why having space to calm down is so impactful and effective [3:16]

Changing Neurochemistry | Tom on why doing something else changes neurochemistry [4:26]

Pressing Doesn't Work | Tom's on why can't convince someone not to feel upset [5:20]

Groundwork Needed | Why establishing "rules" when you're connected is needed [6:42]

Biological Experience | Tom on why you can decide to feel differently in arguments [10:22]

Dangerous Conversations | How conflicts of values lead to dangerous conversations [13:02]

Pattern Interrupt | Lisa demonstrates how easy it is to pattern interrupt your anger [14:19]

Shifting Moods | Tom on how to help your partner and yourself into better mood [16:02]

Trigger Language | Lisa on why you should know each other's triggers and respect them [18:46]

QUOTES:

"If you have to guess what the other person's triggers are, it's literally like stabbing in the frickin 'dark. It's like a love language, figure out what your love language is in regards to what are your triggers?" Lisa Bilyeu [2:45]

"It is always better to walk away because we just don't hear each other, and many times, we've got into arguments because neither of us walked away." Lisa Bilyeu [3:43]

"When the other person has been triggered, you have to do something that changes their neuro chemistry." Tom Bilyeu [5:15]

"The key for when you're being triggered, or you're triggering the other person is to make sure that you build that foundation in the nice loving moments so that you're not having the friction when it actually happens," Lisa Bilyeu [10:06]

"You can decide to feel differently, and that nature, for whatever weird reason, has given us what I call physiological hooks to change your state." Tom Bilyeu [10:52]

"When you're in an argument, and you both believe that you're right, it's going to be a contentious conversation, and it's what we call a dangerous conversation because it could go awry" Tom Bilyeu [13:02]

"When the other person is upset, whatever you do better be designed to change their neuro chemistry. Because if you can't do that the conflict is going to just keep going up" Tom Bilyeu [16:06]

"If your goal is high level communication, that's very effective, and you're not getting annoyed, and you guys can both navigate that decision making tree to get to a decision that works for both of you, it isn't useful to be triggered." Tom Bilyeu [23:31]

Whether you are in a loving romantic relationship, friendship or relationship with your family members, standing by while someone you love endures the abuse of a toxic relationship is painful. Do you speak up and risk your relationship or stay quiet and try to maintain whatever peace and connection you can with the person you love? What is the best way to respond when someone you love is trapped or blind to a toxic relationship? Abuse comes in all forms, mental, emotional and physical. Tom and Lisa look at possible scenarios in the case of their own siblings. This is never an easy topic and there is no one solution obviously, but being open to having these conversations is so important.

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

Abusive Relationships | Tom on his response if his sister was in bad relationship [0:45]

2 Way Toxicity | Tom explains why you give those relationships space to figure it out [4:37]

Waiting Game | Tom on the long game waiting for right time to bring up concerns [5:52]

What's Important | Lisa on how she would avoid pushing your sibling away [7:27]

QUOTES:

"If there's one superpower that I've developed and gotten very good at, it's being able to tell when the person is emotionally in a place where they'll be able to hear me." Tom Bilyeu [6:01]

"Just telling someone you got to break up with them. Like just puts you in the enemy seat" Lisa Bilyeu [7:39]

Tough times are inevitable in any relationship when you've been together long enough. Family drama, infidelity, or financial strains can be scary times for any relationship. These stressors have the ability to bring you closer together or take the relationship beyond the breaking point. Tom and Lisa discuss one of the scariest situations they've faced together, Lisa's health. Even if the problems you are experiencing are completely different, there are 3 nuggets of wisdom from their situation that you apply to your own.

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

Health Scare | Lisa on the difficulty and stress her health issues put on the relationship [1:12]

Helplessness | Tom's on feeling helpless finding a solution and relying on mindset [4:07]

Problem Solving |When your frustrated and cannot solve the problem for your partner [7:31]

Awareness | Lisa on being mindful, checking on your partner and being connected [7:56]

Pulling Through | Build trust so your partner can help you see your blind spots [11:01]

QUOTES:

"I want to solve problems, and you just want to be heard is like a constant issue." [7:45]

"Beyond that, it's a relationship. So even though I'm going through this problem, there's two of us." Lisa Bilyeu [9:10]

"When someone's going through a tough time, I think it's very easy to be so focused on you, right? I'm going through this, I'm having a problem. People need to understand, you know, why can't you be there for me? But that's not fair, because the other person is still going through that." Lisa Bilyeu [10:13]

"You sacrifice out of love, and out of commitment, and I think it's very important to not take that for granted with each other." Lisa Bilyeu [10:34]

Being a strong independent woman at one point was and still is a badge of honor that successful driven women proudly wear. At what point though, does being strong and independent swing so far that it leaves men feeling unwanted and not needed? Is a man's desire to carry you at times problematic for the strong independent woman? Where is the balance that allows women to boss up in their professional lives and still allow them to let their guard down and be open and vulnerable with the right man in their personal lives? Tom and Lisa tackle the question, do men want to be with women that need them. Lisa is a powerhouse businesswoman and Tom is a powerhouse entrepreneur as well. How they approach this balance is the insight strong independent women and men need to have better, healthier, loving relationships.

Relationship Theory with Tom and Lisa Bilyeu encourages healthy, loving, life long relationships. Whether you are fresh out of your last relationship, on a break, taking time to heal from a breakup, or looking for ways to strengthen the romance and bond in your current relationship, Tom and Lisa are sharing their 20 years of experience. They're taking questions and giving relationship advice that will enhance all of your relationships.

SHOW NOTES:

You Lead | Tom explains why Lisa being in leadership role doesn't detract from his value [1:06]

Him Problem| Being secure with the value of providing for a woman & threatened if not [4:48]

Her Problem | Being too strong & prideful, not allowing men to feel needed or valuable [6:10]

Balance | Lisa on women not being so strong you turn him away but not needy also  [7:04]

Need vs. Want | Lisa's example thinking she needed Tom and realizing she wanted him [8:11]

Being Needed | Tom on the power of being needed & showing up for a strong partner [10:04]

Call Me "Baby" | Tom shares why people call each other "baby" in romantic relationships [12:29]

Constant "You" | How you are the only constant in every relationship you have, own it! [15:47]

Social Proof | Lisa on how to look at other couples to determine if your belief is correct [17:40]

QUOTES:

"It's just smart, to be so emotionally secure, that you can be nimble and say it doesn't detract from my value for you to be in a leadership position. And I'm very capable of also stepping into that" Tom Bilyeu [4:22]

"People want to feel good. People want to feel like they're bringing value to a relationship." Lisa Bilyeu [7:19]

"Being needed is so powerful, and when you're with somebody who is so strong and confident, the few times you get to really be a hero, and to be useful, you want to make sure that you're there for that." Tom Bilyeu [10:25]

"Being needed in a relationship is beautiful." Lisa Bilyeu [12:02]

"Set your dominant base assumption aside and say, what could this be if it couldn't be that? What else might it be? See, if you stumble upon something that's just as plausible" Tom Bilyeu [16:45]