Relationship Theory

Falling in love can be the easy and most exciting part of any relationship. Navigating the logistics of what success for the relationship looks like can quickly become a tangled web of compromise. Have you found yourself caving to the pressure and expectations of your partner in terms of what your role should be in the relationship? Tom and Lisa have a wealth of experience with Lisa starting out supporting Tom from home to her choosing to be a full-time business partner with Tom. This episode breaks down the best way to set your ego aside, cast away preconceived notions of what your roles should be, and decide to support each other's strengths, Follow your partner as easily as you to take the lead.

SHOW NOTES:

Defined Roles | Tom breaks down how he initially defined roles as alpha and beta [0:40]

Better At | Acknowledging who is better at making decisions in what area and celebrate [2:41]

Changing Roles | Lisa shares how she felt wanting to no longer be a stay at home wife [4:29]

Supporting Change | Tom shares how he mourned Lisa's change and fully supported her [6:42]

Equal Roles | Valuing being equal in importance in the relationship and seeing it 50/50 [9:42]

QUOTES:

"understand that leadership is fluid, and there are going to be times where I'm leading, there's going to be times when you're leading, and that if you can follow into being a follower as rapidly as you take the leadership role, it just feels rad." Tom Bilyeu [4:05]

"Nothing would shatter my own values faster than not wanting you to be exactly what you want to be and supporting you every step of the way." Tom Bilyeu [8:55]

"Whether it's in a business or just in your personal life, it needs to be seen as 5050 all along the way. And you both have to come into agreement about what that looks like" Lisa Bilyeu [10:51]

Dealing with mismatched sex drives can be horrifying, frustrating and a host of other undesired emotions for both partners. How do you find compromise when one partner is in the mood every day, any time ready to go, and the other partner could check in once or twice a week and be perfectly satisfied? In this episode, Tom & Lisa break down advice, solutions, and examples from their own relationship for how to deal with mismatched libidos. They discuss everything from frequency, porn, and orgasms all the way to being absolutely transparent about just wanting to be desired.

SHOW NOTES:

Neurochemical Sex Drive | Understanding frequency urges are related to hormones [1:17]

Solution | Dealing with high sex drive and what it means to accommodate a partner [2:53]

Sexually Satisfied | Finding compromise to satisfy each other for mutual benefit [5:02]

Orgasmic Pull | Considering what your partner wants and the bond of orgasm [8:03]

Foreplay | Getting her in the mood begins outside of the bedroom [10:58]

Porn | How viewing porn and received with resistance from some parters as bad [13:22]

Okay To Ask | How Tom & Lisa have agreed it's okay to ask and it's okay to say no [16:29]

Open Dialogue | When there is a reason for concern having open communication [19:00]

Desirable | Real talk with Tom & Lisa about changing sex drives and being desirable [21:06]

Men Vs. Women | Tom on the relation between feeling connected, sex, and erection [25:43]

Checking In | Lisa's advice for regular check-ins with each other about sex and more [27:35]

QUOTES:

"if you're in a committed loving relationship, and you're not thinking about what your partner wants, that is a Horsemen of the Apocalypse" Tom Bilyeu [7:35]

"I don't want to do it if we can't get you interested in the idea." Tom Bilyeu [11:12]

"once you have to hide something, now you start to feel like it's taboo, and it's bad." Lisa Bilyeu [15:31]

"you shouldn't have sex if you can't talk about it." Tom Bilyeu [17:42]

"guys don't need to feel connected to have sex, guys need to have sex to feel loved. Women need to feel loved to have sex." [25:48]

Are not sure how to influence your partner and present ideas that are mutually beneficial? It could be that you are not speaking each other's language. Tom and Lisa dive straight into why language matters, the words you use with your partner matters, and how you choose to use your partner's words against them also matters. Time and time again, Tom and Lisa express the importance of communication and why it has been the cornerstone of their relationship for 20 years. This episode explores some ideas about how you can start communicating better in your relationships and also find out the difference between manipulating your partner versus influencing your partner.

SHOW NOTES:

Value of Words | Tom shares why words, trust, and communication are so critical [0:43]

Verbal Manipulation | Difference between manipulation, influence, and mutual advantage [3:03]

Important | Lisa's tip for defining a special word and not abusing it in the relationship [3:48]

QUOTES:

"I'm not interested in shutting people down, I'm not even interested in trying to prove something to them, I want to understand their position and see if there's something usable in that for me so that I can put it into my own worldview." Tom Bilyeu [1:12]

"it's so important to treat people kindly, and to make them feel better about themselves when they're around you." Tom Bilyeu [2:56]

"no one ever wants to feel like they're being secretly manipulated to the other person's advantage" Lisa Bilyeu [3:22]

"manipulation is moving somebody to your advantage and influence is moving them to their advantage [...] I would say that we always moved each other to mutual advantage." Tom Bilyeu [3:35]

When someone points out your flaws and tries to put the blame on you for this or that, it's so easy to feel triggered. When it's your spouse, your partner, or someone you love that's doing it, it's even easier to get defensive and feel hurt. But what if your partner is also doing it in a way that makes them feel great and more amazing in comparison? Tom and Lisa walk through both sides of this scenario for how to cope with being criticized and blamed when you're being attacked and also feeling attacked. Over and over we come back to communication really being key to a healthy, happy, and long-lasting relationship. Today is no exception, let's talk about being defensive and the best way to think about it.

SHOW NOTES:

Feeling Attacked | Explore why you're feeling attacked and how to interpret the situation [0:40]

Being Attacked | Tom explains his response if he were being attacked [3:13]

Defensive | Lisa's advice for not feeling defensive when your intentions fail [5:11]

QUOTES:

"I never lead with this person is attacking me, I always lead with why am I feeling attacked?" Tom Bilyeu [2:25]

"If you get what you intended, you have done the right thing. If you do not get what you intended, [...] you have, by definition, used the wrong strategy." Tom Bilyeu [4:10]

"for whatever reason, using that word with me does rattle me, so use this word instead, so I can hear what you're saying." [6:35]

Getting to know your partner when the relationship is still new can be both exciting and stressful. Learning each other's likes and dislikes, how to communicate and what their expectations are is uncharted territory for you both. Tom and Lisa share the perfect example of how critical communication is for making sure you get what you want, and more importantly, how to set your partner up for the win rather than being upset that your expectations haven't been met. This episode is a lesson for both men and women on communication to make sure you get what you want.

SHOW NOTES:

Don't Test Me | Lisa shares the lesson of her and Tom not testing each other [0:22]

Expectations | Tom explains the stress of expectations not communicated [2:48]

Setup the Win | Lisa on how to set your partner up to succeed and not fail you [3:34]

QUOTES:

"If someone has spent year and years really working and showing how much they love, you can't just then think that it doesn't count on this one day because they've forgotten" Lisa Bilyeu [3:22]

Is there ever an ideal time to have those hard conversations? Date night isn't the time for it. During the week, with work, meetings, kids, and life maybe you're too exhausted to have those conversations. But to progress in your relationship, addressing the hard topics is key, and communication is mandatory for a healthy, happy, long-lasting relationship. Tom and Lisa walk through their own recent examples and give you tips for having those conversations no matter how difficult or how busy your partner may be. After nearly two decades together, they can give you a range of ideas for wherever you are in your relationship.

SHOW NOTES:

Magic Time | Tom shares why the "magic moment" time doesn't exist [1:05]

Open Time | Why your partner needs to create time and space for the hard conversations [2:15]

Carving Time | The importance of carving out time for difficult talks and addressing issues [3:22]

Warnings | Make sure you are telling your partner  and setting them up for success [5:05]

Giving Hints | Tom reveals why hinting is not a good option and must be avoided [8:26]

Assessing When | Tom walks through how he finds the best time to bring up hard talks [10:39]

Any Topic, Any Time | How Tom & Lisa tried this rule for hard conversations & failed [14:13]

Rules of Engagement | Why laying out the rules and going through trial and error is best [15:27]

QUOTES:

"If you're ever hinting in your life stop!" Tom Bilyeu [9:17]

"when you're communicating with the other person, like what is the actual thing you're trying to get across" Lisa Bilyeu [9:36]

"when you're hinting you're setting the other person up for failure" [9:55]

Relationships have a life of their own that grow and mature with time. Being in a relationship doesn't mean that people don't change and grow as well. When one of you becomes super motivated and ambitious over health or career goals, naturally you may want to push your other half along the same journey with you. But is that the right approach? In this episode, Tom and Lisa talk about living a synchronized life that prioritizes the shared experience of the relationship over individual ambition, and how to better encourage behaviors you want from your partner, not force or pressure.

SHOW NOTES:

Synchronized Life | High degree of intention, focused on what you both want to get out it [0:55]

Prioritize Moments | Lisa on identifying moments that matter to you both & prioritizing [2:17]

Joint Motivator | Tom on why bed time was for relationship not ambition of one [2:51]

Perspective | Address different ambition levels from the relationship perspective [3:35]

Encourage Behaviors | Lisa on giving partner incentives that achieve the desired outcome [4:12]

QUOTES:

"There just is no substitute for proximity being together sharing experience." Tom Bilyeu [1:51]

"...if you're gonna force me or pressure me, like that's not necessarily a winning solution." [5:53]

Buying things for yourself feels exciting and rewarding. You work hard to put in the time and effort it takes to earn money so you can treat yourself to whatever you please. Maybe it's a trip to spa, a pair of Valentino heels you've been eyeing for a while, or a grand chandelier that will make a statement. Whatever it is for you, do you soon lose the joy of having it because of guilt or judgment from what others think about the lavish things you buy for yourself? In this episode, Tom and Lisa tackle the topic of spending lavishly with zero guilt.

SHOW NOTES:

No Guilt | Tom explains when how you earn aligns with your values, spending is guilt-free [0:35]

Aligned Spending | Lisa on spending money when you value things differently and own it [5:04]

QUOTES:

"I'm now going to make the demand that whatever I do to make money, it has to serve other people." Tom Bilyeu [1:30]

"I am so not conflicted about wealth creation because I've done it in a way that I think is value added to the world." Tom Bilyeu [3:50]

"getting it or not getting it doesn't actually have the result that you're looking for." Lisa Bilyeu [6:09]

Buying things for yourself feels exciting and rewarding. You work hard to put in the time and effort it takes to earn money so you can treat yourself to whatever you please. Maybe it's a trip to spa, a pair of Valentino heels you've been eyeing for a while, or a grand chandelier that will make a statement. Whatever it is for you, do you soon lose the joy of having it because of guilt or judgment from what others think about the lavish things you buy for yourself? In this episode, Tom and Lisa tackle the topic of spending lavishly with zero guilt.

SHOW NOTES:

No Guilt | Tom explains when how you earn aligns with your values, spending is guilt-free [0:35]

Aligned Spending | Lisa on spending money when you value things differently and own it [5:04]

QUOTES:

"I'm now going to make the demand that whatever I do to make money, it has to serve other people." Tom Bilyeu [1:30]

"I am so not conflicted about wealth creation, because I've done it in a way that I think is value added to the world." Tom Bilyeu [3:50]

"getting it or not getting it doesn't actually have the result that you're looking for." Lisa Bilyeu [6:09]

Aging for men and women can be a drastically different experience. While men are often more highly valued with age for resources, women tend to be valued more for physical beauty that fades with time. How do you reconcile with the inevitability of physical changes from aging and the desire to have your partner always find you attractive? Long-term relationships are so much more than physical beauty, but there is a level of self-confidence and pride you take in how you look and how you feel for yourself and your partner. As looks fade and your confidence shifts, can you look at each other and be just as attracted as when you were 20 something? In this episode Tom and Lisa discuss commitment over attraction and how focusing on a shared experience, enjoying the phases of life is what's working after 19 years of marriage.  

SHOW NOTES:

Inverse Attraction | Loving each phase of the relationship as physical attraction changes [0:28]

Commitment | Tom on being anchored to a shared experience of life with Lisa [1:32]

Attracted to Others | Why commitment trumps attraction and being an antifragile partner [3:03]

Enjoy Phases | Lisa's tip to enjoy every phase for what it is and and work on self-esteem [5:48]

QUOTES:

"So we are together because we're sharing a life and I believe to the core of my existence." Tom Bilyeu [2:35]

"enjoy it for what it is instead of like, always mourning what the last phase, like really enjoy it." Lisa Bilyeu [6:21]