Relationship Theory

Making big decisions can be a stressful task, and can be even trickier when making those decisions together as a couple. Having respect for each other is a must through any part of this process. Understanding how important it is to value each other's opinions and input through the decision making process is critical to your ability to thrive together as a team. Tom and Lisa address the importance of not undermining each other and making sure each of you feel heard, valued and respected. Lisa breaks down simple tips that helped them through their home buying process together that will help you through many other processes as well together.

SHOW NOTES:

Respect Opinions | Value input from your partner to avoid your partner feeling less than [1:03]

Non-negotiable | Discussing what's important to each other and considering with respect [3:18]

Compromise | Lisa explains how to compromise on the smaller decisions [4:55]

QUOTES:

"if you don't want their opinion that's so dangerous in a relationship," [3:09]

"Breaking everything down into importance, who has the final say, and then going back to what you said is showing that total respect for the other person." [5:56]

Trying to navigate relationships and not being clear on what your role is or what your partner needs or expects from you can be challenging. There's been growing discussion around masculine and feminine energy, which one you are, and how to be more magnetic with your partner to keep your spark alive and going. Understanding these polarities and that we all have tendencies and fall on a spectrum can be super helpful in your relationship. Tom and Lisa discuss how masculine and feminine energy appears in their relationship, while diving into the balance, desires, and nature to exist together and step into your role in confidence.

SHOW NOTES:

Energy | Tom explains masculine & feminine energy for he and Lisa that helps their spark [1:03]

Femininity | Understanding feminine power and not using that energy against men [3:35]

Hormonal Differences | Acknowledging the hormonal differences of men and women [7:53]

Masculinity | Males nature to be dominant, protective and physically stronger [9:29]

Protective | The intoxication of protective masculine energy and example of overboard [15:01]

QUOTES:

"I recognize that using that emotion to manipulate you isn't a long term solution. So that feminine side to me, I've definitely tried to almost push away, because I don't think it serves me." Lisa Bilyeu [6:32]

"At the end of the day, there is something sexy about a man who's prepared to stand up, to be tough to be heard to say like this is the line don't cross it." Tom Bilyeu [9:29]

Dating can be an amazing experience, but there can be so much uncertainty in the beginning. How do you start building trust in a new relationship? If you've had past experiences that make it difficult to trust people, you may not be so willing to give away your trust, so what do you do with that? Should you optimistically give away your trust until it's broken, or do you guard your trust until it's been earned? Tom and Lisa give their take on finding a balance between giving trust and leaving trust to be earned, and it starts brick by brick!

SHOW NOTES:

Micro Distrust | Why relationships should start with micro distrust and evolve from there [0:21]

Judging Character | Protecting yourself from people that are guarded and not open [2:05]

Honesty | Tom on being honest and aggressively being yourself in a relationship [2:57]

Brick by Brick | Lisa on how trust is earned through action regardless of intention [5:11]

QUOTES:

"It's like micro distrust followed by a give of trust, followed by earning that trust to keep it." Tom Bilyeu [0:28]

"I didn't feel like you were overly trying to be someone or position yourself. You were just being yourself. It felt like well, I can either accept her or not accept her, but didn't have to guess who her was." Tom Bilyeu [3:26]

"The reason honesty is better is because of the way that it makes you feel and the way that it opens up for real connection." Tom Bilyeu [4:38]

"The fact that I can trust you and trust who you are, and trust what you're going to do with information sensitivity that I give you, allows me to give myself over to you 100%" Lisa Bilyeu [8:43]

Most people, if not all, would agree that sex at the beginning of the relationship is amazing. It's a time when everything is fresh and new, and you can barely keep your hands to yourself when you're around each other. However, 1 year in, 5 years in, 15 years into the relationship, how do you maintain desire for each other and continue to have an amazing sex life together, especially for women who have different needs to get going from men? Tom and Lisa get candid about what it takes for them to continue having a healthy sex life after 20 years of marriage. Understanding your tendencies and sexual needs is key regardless of who you are.

SHOW NOTES:

Stereotypes | Tom addresses stereotypes and why women may need to build up to sex [1:45]

Feel Sexy | Why women like to be the center of sexual attention for their partner [3:28]

Not Feeling It | Lisa on the role being sick played in her not feeling sexy or attractive [5:04]

Rule of Thumb | Tom explains how understanding male, female heuristics is helpful [5:34]

Empowered | How understanding the extra attention women need for sex is empowering [8:35]

Transition | Lisa explains why transitions are important to get in the mood for sex [10:19]

QUOTES:

"Men need to have sex to feel loved. Women need to feel loved to have sex." Tom Bilyeu [3:23]

"I want to feel protected by you, and I know in this day and age, people may hate that, but I don't fucking care." Lisa Bilyeu [11:34]

"it doesn't even just have to be penetration. It's the connection" Lisa Bilyeu [13:40]

"being honest about your schedule, being honest about your life, and not trying to pretend and then really implement, like, date night" Lisa Bilyeu [14:25]

Working hard on your goals and creating the life you and your partner dream about is part of the day to day grind, and that is fine. Working so many hours that you leave your partner feeling neglected, ignored and seeking attention, is not okay. It is so important that you prioritize the health of your relationship over anything if it is important to you. It takes a lot of work on both ends of the relationship to make progress by creating time and opportunity for each other. The beauty about relationships is having someone love you so much they are willing to try things they aren't excited about because they are more excited about you. These tips will help you think of new ways to see where you and your partner's interests overlap so you can find time to do things together that bring you deeper connection and joy.

SHOW NOTES:

A.D.D. | Why having ADD is not an excuse, you still have obligation to improve [0:31]

Shared Interests | Importance of finding common interests and joy together [1:42]

Be Open | Give things your partner likes a try for the sake of your partner [3:30]

Attention | When your partner is distracted and your feeling ignored [4:30]

QUOTES:

"If you don't share anything in common breakup" Tom Bilyeu [2:20]

"There's nothing worse when you're at dinner or something, and you're trying to have a romantic moment or something and the other person picks up their phone." Lisa Bilyeu [5:38]

There are things we get to experience in life that are so hard to keep to ourselves. It's like discovering a new flavor of ice cream, or a shortcut home that saves you 10 minutes. Part of our human nature is to share these life-changing moments with the people we love. Developing a growth mindset is no different. When you discover the power of having a growth mindset, suddenly all of the fixed-minded people in your life stick out and pluck your nerves every time you're together. You only want the best for them, you want them to experience the power and potential you've unlocked, but they resist. Tom and Lisa discuss alternatives to dealing with people you love with a fixed mindset. When cutting them off and removing them from your life is not an option, here is where you start and how you can safeguard those relationships despite the differences.

SHOW NOTES:

The Frustration | Lisa on why it's so hard to cut fixed-minded people off when you care [1:11]

The Pursuit | Learning to accept people for who they are if they're not open to change [2:17]

The Push Back | How to meet them with compassion & empathy when they're defensive [2:56]

The Buy-In | When they've bought into having a growth mindset, remind them [5:01]

QUOTES:

"If you know that they've got a fixed mindset, and you've maybe tried to help them and it's just not possible just detach yourself." Lisa Bilyeu [2:27]

"the more you push, the more they resist." Tom Bilyeu [4:35]

"Meeting them with compassion and empathy and then just living by example, will be a lot faster than pushing" Tom Bilyeu [4:53]

One of the worst possible scenarios in a relationship is having mismatched ambition and desires. Discovering a growth mindset is magical and beyond empowering. Having the motivation and ambition to be the greatest that ever lived at whatever you choose is a thrill very few people seriously achieve. When you're in a relationship with someone that has no desire to grow and is comfortable with their lack of ambition, the tables easily turn and the survival of that relationship is highly unlikely. How do you navigate this predicament if you are already years in and now desire to have more and grow but your partner doesn't want to? Tom and Lisa share what worked for them as they discovered a growth mindset together and how they motivated each other to greatness.

SHOW NOTES:

Growth Mode | Tom on pushing to get better and being dissatisfied with stagnation [0:37]

Pushing Pains | Why pushing someone that doesn't want to grow is painful and not okay [2:11]

Mutual Growth | Why mutual desire to grow is more effective and stable in a relationship [3:32]

Mid-Relationship Growth | When one partner starts growth journey after years together [6:17]

Rewarding Behavior | Using a reward and "punish" system to encourage right behaviors [8:07]

QUOTES:

"I think that proselytizing, trying to push somebody is a recipe for the zester like you're begging for pain." Tom Bilyeu [2:18]

"somebody who isn't growth-minded is wasting their life." Tom Bilyeu [2:58]

"it is relationship protective for you to get a growth mindset." [12:46]

"trying to convince everybody of the utility of a growth mindset is a losing battle." [13:15]

It's exciting when you find a deep why and purpose for your life and really start leaning into your passions. That joy can become heartbreak when you realize your family and friends don't relate and seem to be unsupportive of your newfound drive and passion. How do you navigate family gatherings, hangouts with old friends, or calls with mom when you see life so differently? Tom and Lisa share their personal experiences and advice for responding to this kind of tension as individuals and as partners when you have to show up for your partner as well. It's not navigating these tensions but it is necessary that you be equipped to know the best strategies for you and your situation to get the feeling you're looking for.

SHOW NOTES:

No Stress | Stop trying to convince people to think the way you think [1:04]

No Debating | No need to debate with anyone when you don't agree. Get curious instead [4:31]

Relationship Rules | Dealing with your partner's family & tension for your partner [5:44]

The Attack | Tom's reaction when someone is attacking and coming after you [6:31]

Avoid Drama | Lisa's advice to make sure the situation doesn't turn into drama [9:09]

Family Friction | Taking a stance to be bothered or allowing the tension to roll off [10:30]

Strategy | Options for keeping the peace and choosing harmony not insanity [13:00]

Distance Yourself | Slowly lose contact with people if the relationship doesn't serve you [15:00]

QUOTES:

"Get back to my baseline and not be upset by it, because you know that's what they're like, you know that's how they normally act and so when it happens why are you always surprised, it's a pattern, so break the pattern. Don't be surprised. Go in there knowing this is what they're like." Lisa Bilyeu [12:08]

"Do the strategy that makes you feel the way you want to feel" Tom Bilyeu [12:36]

"I will greet warmly when I see you, but I never not go out of my way to see you" Tom Bilyeu [15:58]

How do you support a highly ambitious partner with a hyper-focus on goals and success? It's so easy to fall into a selfish pattern of thinking. What about time for me? When do we get to focus on each other? Being with someone that is highly driven is not an easy role to sign up for. Tom and Lisa happen to both be highly ambitious and focused individuals. Lisa has played her part as a supportive wife and a successful business partner. In this episode, Tom and Lisa break down the hard truth about what it takes to sign up for that lifestyle and also what it takes to prioritize each other as number one.

SHOW NOTES:

Family Goal |Lisa on why they decided on a family goal and individual goals [0:54]

Focus | Get what you focus on, so see how you are a team supporting each other  [4:12]

Ambition | Why you have to know what comes along with it when its the life you chose [5:21]

Mismatched | Collectively deciding the life you both want, is it aligned or mismatched [7:33]

QUOTES:

"And I know deep down that I'm not number two, I'm your number one." Lisa Bilyeu [2:19]

"If you're focusing on the fact that you feel neglected, and you're put second all the time, you're going to start to feel like that." Lisa Bilyeu [4:21]

"you're so good about not being abusive, that when you speak up, like whatever it is like I have that switch that goes, 'nothing else matters.'" [6:54]

Is there such a thing as balance in a relationship? Is there ever truly work, love, and life balance, or as Lisa Nichols puts it, is there really just harmony? Tom and Lisa have been working together and building a massively successful empire together that requires major efforts and seem to have found a system of harmony that works extremely well for their relationship. Communication is often anchored at the core of their advice for having a more fulfilling, healthier, and happier relationship. They share 5 tips and tricks that have helped them maintain the harmony and focus of their relationship together over the years. If you're looking for insider information on how successful relationships stay strong and only improve over time this is it.

SHOW NOTES:

No Balance | Lisa explains why she doesn't seek balance, she seeks harmony [0:45]

Communicate | Don't assume your partner knows what you need and what you feel [1:58]

Motivation | Tom on why vocalizing your motivation to each other is important [4:31]

Defined Terms | Tom shares why this has been critical in their relationship [6:47]

Being Vague | Why being vague will kill the relationship and the effort it takes [8:21]

Keys to the Kingdom | Be clear about what makes you happy what you want [9:47]

QUOTES:

"We don't seek balance. We seek harmony." Lisa Nichols quoted by Lisa [0:50]

"People die by vagaries." Tom Bilyeu [8:21]

"People want things like love and anything that's beautiful in their life to be effortless. It just doesn't work like that." Tom Bilyeu [8:32]

"if you wanted to be successful, you'd have to work hard at your job or your career or whatever, so to not think of relationships like that, it's crazy to me." Lisa Bilyeu [10:45]