Relationships Done Different

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator Rudrani Devi about being a caring caregiver.

Rudrani has never had to fill the typical maternal or caregiving role, but after her mother moved in with her during Covid, she found her world was turned upside down. After going through a period of exhaustion, resentment and weight-gain, she began to facilitate herself and created the space she needed to care for both herself, and her mother.

Key points from this episode’s conversation

Becoming a Relationships Done Different Facilitator

In 2019, although Brendon and Simone had been doing Relationship Done Different classes, there was no such thing as an Access Certified Facilitator for Relationships Done Different yet. Rudrani really wanted them to create it, especially after reading the book ‘Relationships:  are you sure you want one?’ She recognised that the tools were amazing and that they could create so much in the world, and she was a big believer that you teach what you most want to learn. 

So, what did she do? She snuck in as a host for a few of Simone and Brendan’s classes, and became a Certified Facilitator the very first time it was offered. Her life changed immensely by facilitating the classes, as did her facilitation in her role as a Relationship Counselor.

She was able to marry her two roles - as a Certified Facilitator and as a Relationship Counselor - with her clients. For example, a participant in one of her Relationships Done Different classes was going through a divorce. After attending the class, the woman decided that instead of going through with the divorce, she and her husband would simply live apart, in their own homes, and date each other again. This arrangement may seem strange, but the relationship is still going strong today!

Caregiving Done Different

Rudrani is the caregiver for her mother, which is a complete role reversal of the mother-daughter relationship for them. Rudrani has never had her own children (although she prides herself on being the favorite aunt!), and has never had to fill a typical care-giving role. However, there came a point where her mother was no longer able to care for her home herself, and they began to discuss the possibility of her moving in. Rudrani thought it would be simple and fun as her mother was a go-getter and independent. So independent, in fact, that even after Rudrani renovated her home and created a private section for her mother, it took Covid hitting to convince her to finally move in.

At that time, Rudrani was in the middle of hosting a Certified Facilitator Relationships Done Different class online, which involved being up the whole night (as Simone and Brendan were in Australia). She found classes at these times manageable when she was alone, but with her mother around, she struggled. Her mom moved in, got Covid, and Rudrani had to look after her. She was EXHAUSTED. She wasn’t in Allowance of anything, and she felt her life was suffering because of her mom. She felt she was being a bad daughter, and she put on weight (and blamed her mom for it!). Eventually, she recognized that she had to  start facilitating herself and asking what she needed to be in that situation.

Coming into Allowance

Rudrani had to come into Allowance of how much her mom loves her trauma drama. For example, her mom is a piano teacher and when she was teaching, she would demand all sorts of programs and posters that take time away from Rudrani’s work. Instead of going into resentment and stress over these demands, Rudrani took a step back and decided that it was okay.

She also looked at the 5 Elements of Intimacy, which are the basis of Relationships Done Different and every class she facilitates. It’s amazing what melts others’ and her own world, every time they go through those 5 elements.

In allowance of you or of them?

Rudrani had to be reminded of how much space she is for her mother. She had to acknowledge that she is that space, and even just acknowledging that was such an honor for her. She also has to ask herself whether she was that space for herself, as so often when people are looking after their parents, they lose themselves. She chose to be that space for herself.

For example, she recently did a 3-month challenge after realizing her body really loved form and structure. She was weighing her food and working out, and this was taking time away from her mother. Her mom would demand attention but Rudrani recognized she needed to be that space for herself and would prioritize her diet. In 3 months she lost all the weight, and it was an Honoring of herself and being in Allowance of her requiring to take care of herself. She didn’t make herself wrong for prioritizing herself.

Setting Boundaries

Rudrani’s mom wants to feel significant in her world, so she gives her tasks to include her. It could be a really simple task like getting her to cook pasta sauce for a dinner party, but it gives her that feeling of being useful. Rudrani also made it clear that her mother would want for nothing, but she would have to give her space at times too. She still needed to go out with her friends and facilitate classes, and she couldn’t invite her mom to everything. She had to set a boundary and initially it was hard for her mom to receive that.

Her mom is busy, and teaches almost every night, so she’s a busy lady! When she’s facilitating piano lessons, she’s amazing. But when she walks out of teaching, she immediately goes to the ‘take care of me’ space, which Rudrani accepts. Luckily, Rudrani and her mother really care about each other, which is that allowance and that vulnerability and being willing to set boundaries when it’s necessary.

Breathing Through It

Breathing really comes in handy. One weekend,her mom had a fall. When Rudrani found her, she had to stop, lower the walls and barriers, fill the eight corners of the garage, and breathe. This probably only took a few seconds, but she needed that before she could be that space for her mother again. Fortunately, the fall was nothing serious, but taking that moment to become still and take a breath when there is chaos was a game changer. She has to do that a lot with her mom!

Ask For Help

Something else that creates more space for caregivers is being in allowance of having siblings -  or anyone else that could help - help in any way that they see fit, even if you don’t agree with it. Rudrani’s older brother helps out whenever she is too busy to look after her mom, and it works out great! Her brother feels useful, her mom gets to hang out with her son, and Rudrani gets the space to honor herself and her choices.

As a caregiver, there’s a lot of allowance, being present with your body, being kind to you and being willing to ask for help. Be willing! Don’t be so righteous about things that you insist everything must be done your way and you don’t ask for help.

If you’re choosing to create something different in our world, whether it’s in your relationship or how you live your life, thank you! Your choosing greater allows us all to choose greater.

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Rudrani Devi

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/rudranidevi/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/GetHappyWithRudrani

Website:         https://www.rudranidevi.com/

Twitter:            https://twitter.com/RunningRu

Youtube:          https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCdxLo9__EeU2KRfsc1gB7pw

TikTok:            https://www.tiktok.com/@rudrani_devi?lang=en

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator Anaa Abualfaraj about changing your relationship with your body.

Anaa grew up in a part of the world where relationships were taboo, and the only relationship she knew was the marriage relationship. Everything was taboo - even showing skin was taboo - and she didn’t know how to love herself. She was born with a body, but she was never taught how to love or listen to it.

She started Access Consciousness in order to have a relationship with herself, as that was a relationship she had never had and one that she had always been searching for. Before Access Consciousness, she never knew she could have an Interesting Point of View, where nobody was right or wrong, and that she could follow her own path.  Becoming an Relationships Done Different facilitator gave her the space to explore the relationship with herself and with her body.

Growing Up in Judgment

Anaa was raised in an environment where, as a woman, you needed to be quiet, hide your skin and lower your voice. It was a constant judgment on her body. Now, in social media, there is a different type of judgment: this picture of perfection. There are certain skin tones and body types that it seems everyone aspires to have. We see this perfection in social media but when we look at ourselves and we don’t match up, we hate ourselves. It creates a separation with the self and creates so much judgment!

As a child, Anaa had a very interesting relationship with her body. Her way to comfort herself was to eat, and her way to fit in with others was to eat, and her way to quiet her voice was to eat. In 12th Grade, she was around 100 kilograms and she hated herself. It was her way to cope with everything around her. It was as if she saw her body as wrongness and was keeping it in a cage and feeding it like an animal.

The “Aha” moment

When she started with Access Consciousness and the Relationships Done Different tools, it was like she finally let her body out of its cage. She was asking questions, but her body refused to answer or to give awareness because it had been locked up for so long and there was a lot of judgment.

The ‘Aha’ moment was when Anaa first heard Gary Douglas say, “You and your body are in a relationship together.” She realized that she couldn’t control her body:  her body had awareness by itself. She decided to discover everything that was possible with her body. 

She asked, “What do I love about carrying a weight that I love to hate? And what is the value of having this body that I’m always in constant judgment of?” She asked her body to show her how she could be in relationship with it. Essentially, she started talking to her body. There was no awareness, no answer, but she was determined. She asked what she could be or do different for her body and she started to listen. She looked at how her body felt when she ate certain things. Previously, she exercised from a judgment and hated it, but after asking her body what type of workout it enjoyed, she started walking. She tried different exercises and she experimented with the number of times she went each week. All the time, she kept asking questions and getting an awareness of what was good for her body.’

Talking to your body

The biggest shift for Anaa and her body was asking questions. The one question that she asked for months was, “What is the one thing I eat that you don’t like?” She became aware that her body reacted to gluten, so she gave it up for about two years. She doesn’t have a gluten allergy, her body just doesn’t desire gluten and she honors her body by not eating it. 

The body sometimes rebels against its person. Anaa respects everyone who is vegan/vegetarian, but when people are on a very fixed diet, the body sometimes rebels. Your lifestyle  needs to be a constant choice. Everyday you should be waking up and choosing your diet. It’s a conscious choice, an exploration and non-stop questioning.

The 5 Elements of Intimacy 

When you’re in a place of being unhappy with your body, start with the 5 Elements of Intimacy. They are Trust, Gratitude, Allowance, Honor and Vulnerability.

Anaa started with Vulnerability. She asked how she could be vulnerable with her body, and all this judgment came raining down. She listened to all of the judgments and didn’t try to fix them. Instead, she went to Interesting Point of View, I have this Point Of View..

Previously, whenever she looked at herself in the mirror, she always saw herself as the ugliest person in the world. She never received compliments about her body and her face. Through the Access tools, she went to how she could be with her own beauty and how she could discover what else is possible from that place. She trusted her body to choose the way it was, and she trusted herself to choose the energy.

She chose Gratitude by looking at all the places she loved about her body and having gratitude for them. Gratitude always brings more, and she started to notice other things she loved about her body. Where there is judgment there is no gratitude, but where there is gratitude there is no judgment.

Next, she started honoring her body. She asked her body what it wanted; with everything from food to coffee all the way to the type of pillowcase it desired! She asked her body about the clothes it wanted to wear and about how much skin it wanted to show. It was a constant playing with the body and putting it first.

Then, Allowance. She asked her body to show her how to be in the world. We choose these amazing bodies - the vehicle we chose to move around in the world - and without them we would not be here. So if you chose this vehicle, how can you be in Allowance with it?

Ask questions every day

When you wake up in the morning ask: What else is possible with my body? My beautiful body? Show me the magic it can be!

And everywhere you find yourself judging your body, destroy and uncreate that. We are inundated with judgment from social media and the media. What can we choose beyond all of that? And what else is possible?

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/joy.by.anaa/?hl=en

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/anaa.abulfaraj

What would you have to be willing to let go of about you in order to access greater receiving? 

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator Ashlee Rose Jellis about learning how to love yourself by truly receiving yourself.

In Ashlee’s journey to love herself, she has been exploring the power of not taking things personally and using vulnerability to access more receiving. She has discovered an ease with herself that has filtered into every relationship she has. 

Key points from this episode’s conversation

Love yourself first

Ashlee’s life has changed significantly since using the tools of Relationships Done Different. Previously, she struggled with everything related to relationships and used to wonder when it would be over and when she would finally get it right. She took many personal-development classes and courses because she was on a path of how to love herself. She wanted to learn to love herself because she had heard everyone say, “You can’t love another before you love yourself.” It wasn’t until her first Relationships Done Different class that she actually understood what that meant.

Her world has changed in so many different ways. Before, she didn’t trust herself, and was the person in the relationship who tried to control their partner. She was constantly in her head, worrying about everything. Now she has an ease, first and foremost, with herself. And that has filtered into every relationship she is in.

Often, we focus on romantic relationships as the ‘sole purpose of our life.’ For example, you’re right if you’re in one, and you’re wrong if you’re not in one. Relationships Done DIfferent invited Ashlee to a space of changing how she relates with everything: with her body, her business, and with money. That’s something that changed dynamically for her that she never expected!

Taking Rejection Personally

Before using these tools, Ashlee took everything personally and interpreted every form of rejection as a reflection of her worth.

Rejection is something that we believe is true. When someone rejects us - whether we are dating someone, whether it’s romantic or a friendship - we have this idea that rejection is REAL. The truth is: rejection is not real and true, and it is often a choice we make to separate from ourselves and from others. We may make it about others, but you cannot reject anything or anyone before rejecting yourself. It is this illusion that we function from to stop us from having more of ourselves.

Since diving into the topic and using the tools, Ashlee has discovered that what is underneath everything is a fear of us being too close to ourselves. It is interesting because many of us express a desire for more closeness and connection and intimacy with people, but we forget that in order to have that with others, we have to create that with ourselves first. We cannot have closeness with another without actually getting closer to ourselves. 

This scares people more than anything because we don’t have reference points for getting close to ourselves. Most people think of it in a negative way and believe that if they get too close to themselves they will discover that they are a terrible person and that there are a multitude of reasons for people not to like them. So we avoid getting close to ourselves because we have decided that there is already something wrong with us. In actuality, what is more true is that you are not willing to have the greatness of you and to see where you are brilliant and a gift. 

Rejection is not real

What have you decided receiving yourself looks like or means? So often, we look at it in a negative way, as we don’t want to get too close, in case we discover too much. What have you decided will happen if you truly receive you?

As soon as we make our rejection from another real or true, it stops us. When we decide we’ve been rejected, we have to look for the why - why they have done that, why we have been rejected - and we start looking for rejection in everybody else.

Realize that rejection is not real or true: it is always subjective. We think that people reject us because there is something wrong with us, rather than because we can only receive another to the degree that we can receive ourselves. So, in a totally conscious world we would not need to reject, because we would not desire to reject ourselves.

Is this personal?

What if, every time you were rejected by something or someone, you asked the question: Is this actually personal? Is this about me? Or is this about them? That creates so much space and freedom. Really start looking at whether it is about you or about them.

We are not trained to receive, we are trained to reject. We are trained to separate from everything, including ourselves. For Ashlee, receiving is a willingness to be open; with no walls, no barriers, and being willing to receive all information. When we are open to receiving all information, we can also receive the awareness that maybe things are not personal and have nothing to do with us. This gets challenging as, to be willing to receive the good, the bad and the ugly, we must be willing to not make things personal or relevant. True vulnerability comes in here, because vulnerability is the way to receive more.

Have you ever noticed when you are vulnerable with someone, there is a closeness? You are receiving not only more of them, but more of yourself.

Vulnerability as a pathway to receiving

Receiving is not cognitive, but vulnerability is a way to access more receiving. On Ashlee’s path to not take things personally, she started by looking at where she could add more vulnerability into her life, and where she could go beyond being right. This can be excruciating for people because they start to receive more of themselves, and when you have decided you are bad you don’t actually want to receive yourself!

Would you be willing to lose the judgments of you and the person you have decided you are? Would you be willing to lose taking things personally?

What can you receive that you do not want to know you can receive? And what if you could receive that with greater ease?

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Ashlee Rose Jellis

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ashleerose___/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ashleeroseBF/

Website:          https://ashlee-rose.com/

Telegram:        https://t.me/+RMxy474iO6_mJyGn

Youtube:          https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnCvA7ZGnrHKsATXhfLhHhQ

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator Dr. Imene Benzamouche about re-prioritising your relationships.

Imene grew up without a model of a joyful relationship and found herself resisting the idea of relationships. As an unmarried woman, she faced a lot of judgment in her community. Through addressing her own personal judgments, going into allowance, and rediscovering joy, she transformed not only her relationships but her entire life.

Key points from this episode’s conversation

Having Drama in Relationships

Imene’s life was dramatic before she found Relationships Done Different. She had a conflict, in that she always gave amazing advice to people and had a really good perspective on relationships, but found it difficult to follow her own advice. Whether it was with family, friends, romantic partners, or business partners, relationships were always a little bit hard. She didn’t know how to deal with people, how to be, or what she wanted.

Choosing Relationships Done Different

Relationships Done Different was one of the classes Imene resisted. She convinced herself there was no resistance, but class after class would go by without her signing up, and eventually she realized that she wasn’t choosing it. This was terrifying because she recognized she was going to have to look at where she was right and wrong in relationships. She had perspectives that she couldn’t apply to this reality according to her point of view, because she thought she was so right and at the same time believed she was so wrong.

Finally, she asked, “Okay, what would my life be like if I actually chose this?”

And she felt a sense of relief and expansiveness.

So the next class, she was there!

Melting Your Judgments

The class brought about so much change within Imene and within all her relationships. She started seeing how the relationships in different periods of her life - especially those with her parents - had affected her relationships with men and women in the present.

Facilitated by peoples’ questions in class and using the tools and the manual,  she looked at what she had hidden from herself. Her judgments on relationships melted away and she started discovering how and what she actually wanted as her life and her relationships. Her whole life, not only her relationships, changed. 

Not choosing a relationship in a community that considers it a must

Imene faced a lot of judgment as she is from an Arab background and being unmarried at thirty is not accepted in her community.

Growing up in this landscape, she didn’t have a model of a joyful relationship and the relationships she looked at were not very appealing. When she asked herself what she actually liked in a relationship, whether she wanted kids, whether she wanted to be married, or whether she even wanted to commit or not, it didn’t sound joyful for her. Not only was she being judged, but she was also judging the relationships she was seeing.

Going to Allowance

Imene used to feel resistance to others’ point of view, because she didn’t know what she wanted and what her point of view was. As she started getting over the rightness and wrongness of being or not being married, she realized it was just choice.

When you get to the space of acknowledging that everything is just a choice and you don’t have to choose something just because it is the accepted thing to do, you can go to Allowance. 

For example, people used to pray for Imene to find a husband, and eventually she recognized that they were saying what they were saying from what they thought was a place of kindness. When you acknowledge what is true to you and you know what you want, you get to be in Allowance and can receive whatever other people say about your marital status as a kindness, without any charge or any significance.  

How to get to a place of clarity about your choices

Start using the tool of indulging! 

Take three days (or as many days as you choose), and indulge in a choice, and then take three days and indulge in the opposite of that choice. For example, Imene was not sure if she wanted to get married. She took 3 days and dived into the space of being married and what her life would be like. Then she took 3 days and indulged in the space of not being married and what that life would look like. Usually, before the end of the second three days,  you KNOW which choice to choose.

Choose a joyful life

For Imene, a choice should make you feel joyful, and the tool of indulging will help you know what is joyful for you. She went back to what makes her body joyful and it became so clear what energy she was looking for. With a joyful life, you live better, your health is better, your money flows are better, and your relationships are better. if you have the space of joy and you are creating that space of happiness, life is fun!

Easy ways to find joy

Look at what you enjoy most, what you like having in your life, and what you would miss if it was gone from your life. If you struggle to know what is joyful to you, try something simple like going for a walk, cooking, or getting in nature. 

We don’t consider choices to be easy, and we consider being in a relationship such a serious choice, to the point that we can lose the priorities that we have and the things we enjoy in life. 

What energies do you want in your life?

If you would like the energy of gratitude in your life and you’re in a relationship with someone, are you thankful they exist? Are you thankful they are choosing to be with you? Are you thankful for the joy they bring into your life?

 If you don’t have the energies you desire in your relationship, perhaps ask yourself why you’re with that person and whether or not you’re simply fulfilling society’s point of view about relationships.

You have to be the priority. 

Many people are brought up to make other people happy, and everyone ends up losing. 

When you don’t have a relationship with yourself, you unconsciously expect it from someone else but can never receive it, because you haven’t gifted it to yourself. When you gift yourself that energy, you remove the lack, and allow yourself to receive it from other people.

Create a relationship with yourself and discover what makes you tick, and take it from there.

What can you gift to yourself today that you have been expecting others to gift to you, that if you gifted to you could change your whole reality?

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Dr. Imene Benzamouche, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

Dr. Imene Benzamouche’s website

Dr Imene Benzamouche’s Instagram

Dr Imene Benzamouche’s Facebook

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator Layal Alnajjar about Finding The Fun & Joy In Relationship.

Layal is a Relationships Done Different facilitator and creates classes in the Middle East. Layal used to struggle with relationships and found herself choosing from a space of lack and need. She believed she needed a partner to ‘complete’ her. Through honouring her relationship with herself, she has discovered how to create a life of joy and abundance.

Key points from this episode’s conversation

Living a life of total ignorance

Before Relationships Done Different, Layal lived a life of total ignorance. It was a litany of judgments, and she believed she was always wrong when it came to relationships.

The first  Access class she took was not Relationships Done Different, but Talk To The Entities!  However, with the entities and that relationship with the universe, the invitation to be a RDD facilitator became clear.

Being You Changing the World changed things for her. It clicked for her that she could be herself and that being herself was okay, and she began to seek more.

The first relationship she realized she was sucking at was the relationship with herself. She recognized that she wasn’t demanding enough of herself, and she struggled with the idea that she didn’t fit in with others. And without knowing how to fit in, she acted from the place of  wanting to show others how different she was, so they could judge her. She believed she needed to struggle. 

Now Layal doesn’t have the need to show others she is different: she knows she is different. 

When choosing a relationship, where do you choose from?

Something Layal has noticed in her facilitation of Relationships Done Different, the sessions she has and the Access classes she takes, is that often people are seeking relationships out of need, and not out of the acknowledgment that a relationship could complement their lives. People feel there is a lack within themselves when they are not in a relationship, and that in the eyes of society they are wrong.  They can’t enjoy their lives, even if their lives are full of excitement and joy, as there’s always this nagging feeling of lack. 

For example, there was a time when Layal used to feel like she was always the third wheel with other couples. The feeling of the third wheel was so strong that she started to think that there was something wrong with her, and that she shouldn’t go out. 

When she acknowledged that it was okay that she wasn’t in a relationship, she could create a relationship from a space of abundance and having another person as a complement to her life, instead of completing it. 

Switching from functioning from a space of need

In Layal’s first Relationships Done Different class, even before becoming a facilitator, she had an ‘ah-ha’ moment. There are so many questions that you don’t ask yourself when you are or aren’t in a relationship. And when you have those questions coming at you, it’s like eye-opening.

Creating a relationship was never in Layal’s realm of possibilities before. She felt lonely, trapped, sad, depressed and, even though her divorce was her choice, she still felt inadequate. There wasn’t an inkling of thinking that she could create, firstly, a relationship with herself. That was never on the table. She always thought people got into a relationship in order to feel complete and that relationships were the only way to feel complete. But what is ‘complete,’ really?

That’s the lack, and the need. And why would you choose lack and need?

Instead, she started acknowledging that everything she does and all the people in her life are to increase the fun and joy that she already has in her life, and that she doesn’t need a man in her life to show her what fun is. She is the creator of her life, her relationships, her fun and her money.

Finding the joy in your relationship with yourself

When you really start to create and enjoy that relationship with yourself, you’ll be able to create the relationship you’re looking for. Many aspects of your life change when you get out of the need and lack elements. Everything becomes so joyful, and the amount of pleasure we can have in being in a relationship with ourselves is unmeasurable. 

Start by honoring yourself and knowing what you really require. 

Many of us love romance, but how often do we romance ourselves? How many times do you light a candle when you’re having dinner alone? How many times do you enjoy good music and dance when you’re alone? We tend to wait and, as Layal always says in her classes, “if you’re waiting you’re wasting.” Don’t wait for the candles to be lit by someone else. Do it for yourself. 

How many times have you waited for someone else to give you the gift of your life? And how does that make any sense?

Tools to get out of the space of need and lack

How can you find that joy within your relationship with yourself? It can be by doing something that used to give you joy as a child or when you were younger. Anything, like dancing by yourself or going for a walk or giving yourself a massage! 

The first thing Layal asks every day is: “Where is my fun and joy?”  She also asks what her reality is, because often everything we use - especially in relationships - we use from the point of view of others. We look to other people and we dismiss our lives through other people’s point of view. 

When we ask what our reality is, we become more present with ourselves. It doesn’t mean other people’s realities are wrong or right, they’re just not yours. 

If you’re going to do anything, whether it’s opening a bank account or buying groceries, ask yourself: “ Would I have fun?” It’s almost like you are demanding to have fun, from every molecule of the universe. There is a saying somewhere: ‘You are what you seek.’  What if you could seek fun? What if relationships were just fun and games?

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Layal Alnajjar, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/layal71/?hl=en

Relationships with our family members can be complicated, but what if they don’t have to be? 

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator Kayla Leung about how the tools can transform your relationships with your family. 

Kayla previously struggled with her family members and believed she would always be the black sheep. However, through choosing the Access tools, she has transformed her relationships and has allowance and gratitude for her family members.

Key points from this episode’s conversation

How can Relationships Done Different change your point of view on relationships?

Kayla used to avoid committed relationships and preferred short-term, non-committal ‘situationships’. Kayla is a Doctor in Psychology and specializes in family and marriage therapy. She saw many clients who complained about their relationships falling apart, which reinforced her belief that relationships would only cause trouble for her. She had an “I’m better by myself” mentality.

When Kayla gained access to the tools and read Simone’s book, “Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?”, she had a realization that there was a space or a possibility in relationships that she had never considered. People  tend to go into the rightness or wrongness of being or not being in a relationship, but what if there is a space beyond that, where relationships can be just for fun? Even if you’re in a relationship, it doesn’t mean you have to be in it forever.

Through this awareness, Kayla became open to having and choosing relationships. 

Our first relationships are with our families

The first relationships we all go into are those with our family. Often, they can be complicated, but having peace with your family, you shouldn’t have to fight, defend, make yourselves small or fit a certain mold to meet their expectations. You shouldn’t have to fight for your individuality. 

The tools can change your family relationships

Kayla previously had terrible relationships with her family and believed she would always be the outcast, the black sheep of the family. Over time, with the tools, so much has changed.

Her parents had a difficult marriage, which influenced her points of view about relationships and marriage. She used to avoid committed relationships because she thought they would lead to future problems. When Kayla began going into allowance, she realized that their relationship didn’t belong to her, and her points of view began to change.

Many children grow up in similar situations, and feel they have to ‘choose a side.’ They tend to see one parent as the ‘victim’ and the other as the ‘villain’, and try to protect the ‘victim’ by making the ‘villain’ wrong. That becomes a part of their life story. 

Kayla realized she wasn’t choosing relationships because she was trying to avoid having the same relationship as her parents.

Choosing from Possibility

Kayla was choosing from probability, not possibility. Probability is trying to predict whether or not you will follow or copy your parents’ relationship. This is not Choice. Possibility is unpredictable and allows you to choose something different.

When Kayla started choosing for herself, she noticed that her sibling relationships began to change too. She had previously had a very difficult relationship with her older sister but when she chose the way she wanted to live and honor her family, things began to shift. 

Even if a person treats you terribly, they are still a gift, as they show you that you are strong enough to handle that treatment. You may have difficult times with someone, but when you are choosing from a space of not making them wrong, you allow them to be, while still being you.

Now, Kayla and her sister are best friends. They accepted each other’s differences and acknowledged their strengths. When you admire someone, you can no longer judge them. And when you are grateful for them, it changes everything.

You may have a person in your life that likes to control or manipulate you. Give them the allowance to act in that way, without accepting it for yourself. Remove yourself from their games and politely tell them to behave that way with someone else. Say it with a smile and don’t let them affect you. 

Stop Reacting

This may sound easier said than done, so what can you do to get yourself to this space?

When you find yourself reacting, stop for a second, and ask yourself: 

“Is this something I am not willing to choose or be? Or is it something I secretly really want to do, but I judge it so badly as wrong?” 

The thing that really makes you react is often something that you judge as wrong. Maybe you really want to do it but have decided that you can’t, because then you will be like the person you’re judging. When you go into the space of, “I can choose it, if I want to,” the judgement loses its power.

Being grateful for our families

Be grateful for your family and what they can contribute to you, as everything that we are today, they contributed to. We learn so much from our families, and they shape our world and our perceptions (whether we want to admit it or not!). Your family usually serves as the first guide for your life.

When you go into a space of anger and annoyance at a family member, ask yourself:

 “What gift are you to me that I have not been able to perceive and receive?”

Ask for advice

Often the last person anyone goes to for advice is a parent. There is so much love, hate, judgement mixed up in our familial relationships, that we don’t want to ask. However, asking people for advice actually melts so much tension! It dissolves many of the disagreements and shows you are willing to receive from them.

Whether you receive the advice or not doesn’t matter, but it’s a wonderful tool to dissolve that separation.

Give compliments

Everyone loves to hear how great they are! Acknowledge the strengths and successes of people you’re in relationships with. A little bit of acknowledgement goes a long way, and when your partner is happy, your life is greater.

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drkayla1234/?hl=en

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/drkaylaleung

Website: https://www.kaylaleung.com/ 

Are you eternally waiting to be in an intimate relationship? Is your relationship status constantly in your background dictating your choices?

On this show, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Shivam Saxena, about making the demand to no longer judge - you or anyone else - and enjoying whatever relationship status you are currently in. When Shivam stopped judging as a way to honour herself, everything became so much more ease.

What if making yourself happier was a greater choice than needing to be in a relationship?

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Are You Living On An Autopilot Of Judgement?

How many people go about living their lives as if they are on autopilot, a little bit away, simultaneously constantly evaluating what they are doing and what they should be choosing and cannot choose, what they deserve, what they don't deserve, what they can have, what they are allowed to have, what the right age is to do things, etc. 

It's kind of like there are two of you, one is trying to live and the other one is focused on, "Am I doing it right? How much am I screwing it up?" Trying our best trying not to make mistakes. All of this is judgement.

Who Are You Really Judging?

People talk about relationship patterns. Who you are in relationship with may change, and you may change. You may think you have chosen a relationship that is entirely different this time, but then patterns emerge anyway. For Shivam, she noticed these patterns were so much about the judgements she had of herself, or how she saw herself. For example, if she saw herself as someone who was hyper, she noticed she would find people to be in relationship with who judged her as hyper and called her hyper. 

How many times do we think they are seeing something in ourselves that we need to change, when in actuality, we are the ones who have already decided there is something wrong about us? Then the relationship becomes like a project of you working on yourself; "Thank you for showing me what is wrong about me. Now I will get to work on it," rather than enjoying the relationship and having the joy of having another person in your life.

It's those places where you start to pick on each other's imperfections in relationship, rather than ask questions.

Have Allowance For Your Partner’s Judgements Of You

One tool that really helped Shivam in her relationships is the willingness to be an allowance of your partner's judgements. There is a demand in all of our worlds to have a judgement free reality, but what happens is, a lot of times people start functioning from a judgement adverse mode; judgement of being judged. When you are in a closed relationship with someone who sees you day in and day out, the expectation of them to be totally judgement free can be a burden. That is not kind to the other person. 

Shivam says that things got very easy when she stopped having the expectation that her partner couldn't judge her. It's about allowance. And, she says the funny thing was, that allowed the gratitude of him not judging her to start showing up. 

Oftentimes, we wait for the gratitude in the relationship to show up; it's there in the beginning and then it starts to go wonky and you wait for the evidence; "Is he grateful for me?"

How many choices do we make in relationships based on what the other person is making? Which is reaction. when you start really choosing what works for you, without discounting the other person or judging them, things become more ease for everyone.

It comes down to, how do you see yourself and the relationship that you have with you? 

Shivam made a choice to work on not judging. The greatest freedom she got from judging was when she realised that when she chooses judgement, she is not honouring herself. That's her not having her back. Making the choice to not judge, was a way to honour herself, because it was a commitment to herself rather than something to make others like her more. 

When you truly choose the 5 Elements of Intimacy with you, it changes how you show up in the world; which has an effect on whoever you are interacting with in relationship.

Embrace Your Current Relationship Status

What if you could embrace whatever relationship status you are currently, rather than waiting for the next relationship? How much do we let your relationship status run in our background constantly: single, it's complicated, he hasn't asked me out yet or he hasn't proposed yet? It has an impact on the choices you make.

Shivam is currently not in an intimate relationship and her advice to others is to just enjoy it. There are many aspects of not being in a relationship that you can enjoy. It could be flirting with other guys, or maybe not having to check your schedule with anyone allowing you to just fly off to anywhere without checking in with what your partner is doing.

Enjoying not being in a relationship is a choice. And it is beautiful.

For Shivam, there was an energetic shift when she realised that not being in a relationship was not an interlude, or a phase that will pass; it's not a gap period. A relationship is not a destination.

When she changed her point of view, her life started changing. What if you made the demand to enjoy it; whatever it is? "What are the infinite ways of me enjoying this, and receiving this and embracing this?"

What if making yourself happier is a greater choice than needing to be in a relationship by a certain age, or whatever your culture or society is expecting of you? It's not about filling a gap.

Whatever your relationship status is today, it's okay - even if you are waiting for a relationship. What if you just enjoyed today regardless? and embraced it?

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Shivam Saxena, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

Shivam Saxena’s Access Consciousness Profile

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Do you know what you desire when it comes to being in a relationship or not? Are you willing to have your own back and support you fully in creating your own reality regardless of what other people are saying or projecting at you?

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Ryan Tee, about knowing what you truly desire when it comes to relationship and tools to create that for yourself, no matter what others are saying and doing.

Ryan has been facilitating classes for many years, and one thing he has noticed again and again across the globe, is that there are so many people who don't actually desire a relationship but they think they do. And, from there, different problems show up.

Relationship is a choice. It's not a necessity.

If you like you, you know what works for you and what doesn't, and you create your own reality, regardless of what other people want you to choose or not.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Be Clear On What You Desire

Many years ago, Ryan was facilitating a private session, and as always, he started it off by asking the client what they would like to get out of the session. This particular client answered that she would like to have a relationship, but he could sense the heaviness in what she said, indicating it wasn't quite true. So he asked her, "Do you really want one?" and she responded "No." As he questioned her further, he asked "Who wants you to have a relationship?" and she said her Mum. 

This is an example of someone else putting pressure on you to have a relationship. And it doesn't have to be verbal. Ryan said his parents used to put pressure on him to have a relationship, but even though they don’t verbally do that anymore, whenever he sees them, he knows what they are thinking. 

The pressure could be from parents, it could be from friends, it could be from relatives and it could be from the entire society; people looking at you like someone is missing in your life.

Ryan has noticed that very often, the people who project that at you have a relationship or are in a marriage, and they are not that happy; it's like they are looking for the next victim. Maybe their parents told them to have a relationship and they did, and they see someone else not in one so they pass all the points of views they got from their parents on to that person.

Ryan says he is very clear on what he desires and what he doesn't desire. Right now he doesn't desire a relationship, and he has a happy life. So, when someone says or projects at him that he should have a relationship, he knows what his reality isThis knowing allows him to thank them for their opinion and not have it affect him; "Thank you, but no thank you." Most people, however, are not really clear in what they desire, so when someone projects at them "You should do this" or "You shouldn't do that," such as "You should get married and have children," they are more likely to be influenced and think, "Maybe that is a good idea." 

Do you know what you desire? Are you willing to have your own back and support you fully in creating your own reality regardless of what other people are saying or not saying?

Are People Just Trying To Control You?

Ryan's parents don't say their point of view about relationship out loud to him anymore because they don't feel like they can control him anymore. They now just say, "As long as you're happy," even though they still think he should be in a relationship. 

If someone keeps giving you their points of view, have a look at that. They don't do it to everyone, just certain people. How are you attracting that? How are you attracting people coming to you telling you what you should do in your life? What are you being that lets people feel like they can control you, or that they can project their points of view on you, or impose them on you?

Ryan has many friends and family members who state people keep telling them what to do or are strongly judging them for what they are doing. Ryan doesn't have that in his life. It's not that he doesn't have friends. He has friends that wouldn't do that to him. 1/ They know they cannot control him; that they would be wasting their time. 2/ If people keep trying to control you, why are you still hanging around them?  If you complain about someone trying to control you and you  still hang around that person, who is the problem?

Ryan has judgemental friends. He chooses not to see them very often. It goes back to the most important thing; do you even like yourself? If you really liked you, would you put yourself in a situation or friend circle where you get judgments constantly? It's like cultivating relationships with people who give you more of you and are kind to you. If you like you, you won't keep putting yourself in a place where people are judging you. 

Like yourself so much that you won't let anyone judge you, abuse you, or control you.

It’s Imperative To Like Yourself First

For Ryan, it’s essential to have a good relationship with yourself; whether you want a relationship with another person or not. You must at least like you. If you don't like you, you don't care about your whole life. 

Can you love someone who doesn't love themselves? It is very hard. No matter how much you try to prove to them that you love them very much, they will be like, "Nobody loves me." They will find evidence that nobody loves them; even you if you are in relationship with them.

So, you have to like you first. Then, if you find someone that likes themself and you are both willing to create a life together, that's a great relationship. 

If you like you, you know what works for you and what doesn't , and you create your own reality, regardless of what other people want you to choose or not. From this space, it's way easier to create a great relationship

Leandra suggests that if you're not sure you like you, what if each day you find one thing that you like about you? So many of us grew up without that space of learning to like ourselves. Ask, "What am I grateful for about myself?" Suddenly you will start to have that sense of you and from there you can have more of you.

On the first day of a Relationships Done Different class with Ryan, a lot of time is spent talking about liking yourself, as a lot of the time people have a resistance to it. People really have to work on it. If you are familiar with the Access Consciousness clearing statement, clear everywhere you have judgments of yourself, everywhere that you don't like you or hate you. Clearing all of that is the beginning. There is also a class available in the Access Shop which Dr. Dain Heer, the co-creator of Access Consciousness, facilitated a couple of years ago called, Truly Liking You… and Your Life.

If you keep choosing things that don't work for you, including your relationships, most likely you need to work on liking you first. Five years ago, Ryan was in a group session with Dain who asked everyone, "If you could have anything out of this session, what would it be?" Other people were asking for more ease or more joy or whatever, and when it was his turn, he said he wanted to stop his money problems. Dain’s response was, "What if it was about you liking you, so that you don't create those problems for you? I could stop that problem for you, but you will create it again. Keep it simple; you liking you."  and Ryan went, "yes! that."

He didn't receive the session that well at the time. It took about 6 months after that for him to get it. The entire session came back to him and he understood what Dain was saying. Then a lot of things changed for him.

When you put yourself first and like you, you will look after you and be the kindness you require. With that comes the relationship you desire, the money that you want, the business that you want, etc.

Leaving A Relationship

Relationship is a choice. It's not a necessity.

Ryan doesn't see any difficulty in ending a relationship. In the past he did. He used to judge himself for it. In his head he'd be like, "The other person didn't do anything wrong. If I end it I will be a terrible asshole." What if neither you nor the other person needs to be wrong and it was just a choice? - "Nothing is wrong here. I just don't desire a relationship." 

People tend to make relationship too significant, which makes getting into a relationship or ending a relationship not easy.

Now, Ryan prefers to look at it from the following analogy. Let's say you work for a company and the company pays you well and you are happy there, but one day you decide you don't want to work there anymore. The company is not wrong. Nothing is wrong, you just desire to work somewhere else, or maybe you desire to take a break from work, so you hand in your resignation letter. It's just a choice. 

Why should it suddenly become something you cannot choose when it comes to an intimate relationship? Or something where you create so much trauma and drama in your head before you end it? What if you could ask a question or talk with the other person; "I've changed so much. You've changed so much. What can we be or do from now on, changing this relationship or being with it in a different way?"

‘Needing’ A Relationship

In Asia, a lot of people who come to class feel like they need to have a relationship, especially women. A lot of them have parents that tell them, "You don't need a high education. You don't need to make too much money. You just need to get a husband." It's more of a cultural thing. As a result, they always have that little voice telling them that they just need to find a husband to take care of them. Those points of views are very dis-empowering for them. 

You can desire someone to take care of you, but you don't need that. If you make that a need, you have to make you weak and powerless and needing someone. What if you could be strong, powerful, have lots of money and do whatever you like? And, if you desire a relationship, go for it.

If you need a relationship, will you still function from choice and choose a relationship that works for you? It's more likely that you would just choose anyone who is willing to have a relationship with you; you'll just jump into it. And then you go, "What happened to my life?" With that desperate need, you go into relationship not really by choice, and not with someone you really enjoy and can create a life together. So, get over the need. A need is an invention. For people who tell Ryan, "I need that person," he tells them, "Before you met them, you never had that 'need'." It's just a point of view that you made. 

What if all need is just a point of view? or cultural programming, or pressure from parents or whoever?

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Ryan Tee, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

Ryan Tee’s YouTube

Ryan Tee’s Instagram

Ryan Tee’s Facebook

Useful Links:

Do you believe that break ups have to be dramatic? Or is there actually another possibility?

In this episode, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Dr. Imene Benzamouche, about tools that have assisted her to navigate relationship break ups with ease.

Growing up, Imene did her own kind of havoc in relationships, until she found the Access tools. Now she has way more ease and a joy in what she is choosing in relationships. What if you too could benefit from these tools?

What if breaking up could actually be fun and ease?

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Acknowledge That You Can Handle A Break Up

Before Imene's divorce, it was drama and trauma and depression and losing herself. That wasn't fun. She realised relationship was something she was good at; or breaking them up. 

When she started using Access Consciousness tools, she didn't use them for relationships at first because of her belief that she sucked at relationship; she thought nothing was going to change that. But then when she started taking Relationship Done Different classes and using the tools, breakups became way easier for her, because you actually embrace your awareness. And this was true for her whether the relationships were romantic, business or friendships.

When you are a kid, you have this capacity naturally to be with someone or not be with someone. When you grow up, you learn there is a significance and a solidity to what a relationship is, so when you break it up, you feel broken; like you are something porcelain. But you are not a porcelain thing. You have awareness, and when you be that more and more, it becomes way easier. For Imene, she realised that she can actually handle herself and not lose it.

You Actually Know When It’s Not Going To Work

If you are asking questions, you have this moment where you realise the relationship is not one that is going to go for long, or it's not one that will bring you joy. It's more of a knowing. It doesn't make sense. She remembers in one of her relationships that she knew it wasn't going to work, but she was having so much fun she continued with it.

At the end when it doesn't work, you actually knew. And, even if you don't see the ‘red flags’, you have this sense of there's something that's not working. You have the choice to acknowledge that you are still choosing to go with the relationship even though you know, or have a sense or gut feeling, that it's not going to work. 

You are aware.

Imene’s Go To Relationship Tool

One of the things Imene looks at with anything she chooses is, "What would my life be like in 5, 10, 20, 50 years if I actually choose to be with this person?" and she gets a sense of what that actually is. When you ask that question, your mind cannot compute anything, so you trust what you know; what you have a sense of. 

If that question brings up a contraction, especially to Imene's body, she knows there is something that is not joyful or easy for her in that relationship. It's still a choice to choose it, but if she does, she knows it's not something that is creating her future. 

She is learning more and more to go with what is lighter; because we still have choice in every situation to go either way. How many of you know that something is not a light choice and go with it anyway? Maybe you have an agenda or you might want to fulfil something.

What If A Break Up Didn’t Have To Be Dramatic?

We actually have choices when we are breaking up. It doesn't have to go to trauma and drama. It doesn't have to be that space of "Oh my god, I've lost everything," or judging yourself.

Sometimes when you spend so much time with one person, where it was trauma and drama but you still stayed, after that you don't actually want to have a friendship with them afterwards. But with others, you might choose to stay friends. Maybe you have so much joy just knowing that person, being grateful for that person, or you sense that person is still a contribution. If you have the courage to still have that person, you can have them around you and still have this friendship. 

It usually doesn't make sense. A break up is supposed to be dramatic; it's supposed to be a loss. In this reality, you're supposed to have a hard time. You're a porcelain thing and we just threw you out of the window. But if you know the future you are creating is a better, greater and more expansive one for you, and the other person, whoever is involved, you can actually enjoy that choice. It's like choosing to move houses, and you are happy you have a new house. You don't cry that you lost the old house. 

What if we had this joy of choosing whatever we are choosing? Because it can look dramatic and it can be dramatic if you choose it. And it also can have this sense of gratitude with the other person for whatever you had with them, for whatever they brought to your life. Even if it was difficult - it's still an awareness you’ve gained. 

When Leandra moved out of her relationship, the first night she was in her flat she made dinner for herself, her ex and her son, and they toasted champagne and had dinner together and they were all really glad. Leandra was in her flat, he was in a nice house the way he likes it to be.

When Kids Are Involved

When you have a kid, for Leandra, it's important to include them in what's going on. When you can talk to your child and let them know it's not their fault, it's the adults’ choices, and that you are going to have their back, and they can choose to be with their dad on certain days and their mum on other days, that brings so much ease to them. It was still a shock for her son, and he had his moments, but it was so much ease. And, he could see that both his parents were being so much happier now. That to Leandra is breaking up is easy-ish; where you can talk to the other person. Yes, there are dramas but you can ask questions and not carrying them on. 

Who Are You Being?

Imene loves how Leandra was with her son. She is showing him how he can be with relationships. However it is that you are in relationships, you have learned that from others, like your parents, etc. 

As a kid, Imene used to look at her family and go, "I don't want any of this." For Leandra it was, "Is this it?!" 

Imene had one favourite couple where she admired the relationship, but it still didn't look as if it was the best thing there was in life.

Growing up, Imene did her own kind of havoc in relationships, until she found the Access tools. Now she has way more ease and a joy in what she is choosing in relationships. Who else can use this?

Acknowledge What Is

If you are going through a break up, the first question that you actually want to ask is, "When did I know that this was not going to work out?" When did the relationship end energetically? And just acknowledge that. For example, if you knew 1 month into the relationship and stayed for 10 years, acknowledge that you chose to go 9 years and 11 months knowing it's not going to work. Don't judge yourself,or the other person, but look at it. In acknowledging what you are aware of now, you can ask questions; "What can I create? Can this relationship still work out? What contribution can I be to the other person by choosing to break up?” etc. Because you know.  If you are already thinking about a break up, there is probably something to look at.

The other thing is to actually look at what it is for the other person. In Access we talk about Presumptive Realities. There are so many presumptions about what the other person is living. You don't know if they are happy with you, or if they're not happy, because they put on this face for you. So, sit down and have a conversation with them. Not blaming, not trying to make a point, but just asking "How is it for you? How has it been for the last 10 years? How has it been for the last month? Do you see anything that we can change? Do you think there is still anything between us? Are you willing to change this thing, or not?" Because we have this image and projection of what we don't like about the person and what they should and will change. 

When you are asking these questions, really have that space of, “What will this question create?” and keep it an open question, so that he or she has the space of, "I've never been asked this from you before and I would like to look at that."

And, when they are choosing something that is not working for you, you can ask them, "What is this for you?" and "How much do you value this choice in your life? Is it working for you? Do you have any idea of possibly changing it?" Just look at what it is for the other person. Relationship is not just about you or them, it's a creationship you have together that if you are willing to look at it, you can create a different future; even if you break up. 

How much ease can you have if you have those kind of conversations, instead of continuing to fight or not agree with each other? Talk about it and be that kindness, be that gratitude, that that person may never have received from you. 

So many couples keep the relationship going for years and years, even though they've already ended the relationship. Where are you honouring yourself and the other person in that? It's about being really truthful to yourself and asking questions like, "What can we be here to change this?" That to Leandra is breaking up with ease; really being the questions and being that energy of "What can we be here?” and “What's next?" and, “What can we be for the future?” Because the choices you are choosing today is what is creating your future. 

Leandra was married for 20 years, and it was like this big empire that she built was going away. But in truth, it was gone already. So, when you really look at "What can I create now? What can be different? How can we change this?" you don’t feel like you are losing something.

Stop Judging

Judgement is one of the places we stop ourselves; "Can I break up? I have kids."

Being in the wrongness or rightness of yourself has not ever created anything greater before you were in this relationship. Now that there is another person in the equation, and they also have their judgments, can you imagine the fight or war between the two sets of judgments?  

It's a matter of choice whether to judge or not. If you are judging yourself, just stop. There is no tool, there is no clearing, there is no class, there is nothing that will override your choice. You have to look at your choice and what it is creating. For example, you might be judging that you are not a good wife or not a good mum, etc. or on the flip side, you might be judging that you are good and the other person should reward you. What is any of that creating in your world? What is that creating for the other person? 

The energy of judgement is one of the most destructive things; and we know it. But when we are so obsessed about it, we forget everything else. And, when you are in judgement, you cannot be grateful. What if that is not the way you have to live your life anymore? That's what you learned, and that's okay, but what if now you have a different choice? And, what if it was truly just a choice?

Be the kindness you can be with you - and others. It can spread like a virus!

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Dr. Imene Benzamouche, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

Dr. Imene Benzamouche’s website

Dr Imene Benzamouche’s Instagram

Dr Imene Benzamouche’s Facebook

Useful Links:

Is your relationship working for you, or is it time for a change?

In this episode, your host, Paula Peralta, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Leandra Costa, about tools that bring more ease with breaking up.

Not enough people talk about break ups, yet we all have an idea of what a break up means, and it’s usually tears, depression, fights, can't get out of bed, netflix and icecream, etc., but Leandra has a very different perspective.

There are tools that you can use to give you the space to see the gift in it and to look towards the possibilities you now have.

Be kind to you. Take it easy. Be in question. Be present with what you want to change and create, and also with the other people involved, including your kids.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Ask Questions

How do we make break ups easy-ish? By asking questions and choosing for you. What would you like to have from now on in a relationship? Ask questions like, "Is it time to change? Is it time to finish?" "How can I make it ease for me and everyone else involved?"

Ask lots of questions and then look to the future; “What would I like to create from now on?”

For Leandra, using the tools of being in question and choosing for her created a lot of ease with her break up two years ago.

Destroy and Uncreate Your Relationship

One of the tools talked about in Relationships Done Different is destroying and uncreating your relationship. This tool is about destroying what you expect your relationship to be like based on the past, so that you don’t project it into the future.

Look at all the places where you have a projected point of view about what your relationship should look like? What hasn't measured up? What are your expectations? Check all of that and throw them out the window, so that you can have a clean slate today. Then you have the space to ask, “What would I like to create my relationship as?”

“Everything my relationship was, every point of view, every expectation I have about what it's going to be, all of that, I destroy and uncreate it. Now, what's next? What would I like to create?”

Make A List

If you are in a place where you don't know if the relationship is the relationship for you, whether it is done or something might need to change, make a list of all the things that would have to change in order for the relationship to work. Whatever that looks like, with no judgement. Include everything, as ridiculous as you think it is, such as, they've got to squeeze the toothpaste from the end not the middle, or they have to lower the seat down when he goes to the toilet, or they have to give you more compliments, etc. Write down 8-10 things that would create the relationship as greater for you. Then, go through the list and ask yourself, "Is this something that my partner can actually deliver?" Not from judgement, but truly get present with what you are asking for and if your partner could actually deliver that? It's actually an unkindness to expect your partner to deliver something they are not capable of delivering. You've got to be honest. If you get a yes, that's one step closer. If it's not going to work, it's not going to work.

If you got in your car every morning and it didn't work, would you keep it? No, you'd probably get rid of it and maybe buy a new one or take the bus or whatever. You're going to make a change and do something different.

What change is available in your relationship? What can you actually choose, in or out of the relationship, that would create the future that you truly desire?

It's called a break up because it's broken. There is something about it that is not working. What is it that you would actually like to choose and does this relationship contribute to your future? 

That's what starts to change the trauma and drama of "oh my heart is broken," to "I'm actually making a choice that is going to create the future I desire to have."

For Paula, Relationships Done Different is about choice. It's about choosing the relationships that work for you; your relationship with your body, the earth, your relationship with you, with partners, with business partners, all of those things. Really look at that and get super, super clear.

Be Kind To Yourself

Remind yourself to be kind to you. When Leandra went through her list and didn’t see much changing, it was a kindness to break up. Is that a kindness to you? So, now, what steps are required for that to happen with ease?

We are so used to doing drama with a break up. What if you could be kind to you instead; and even to your ex? Leandra remembers talking to her ex and he was really unsure if he could take care of our son, and she reassured him that he can be a single parent. She had the space to have that conversation; "We will be fine. We can take care of each other and ourselves, and together parent and have our son's back and be present with it."

Who Does It Belong To?

The first step to create ease with a break up is to create a little bit of space around it.

An Access Consciousness tool which Relationships Done Different uses is asking, "Who does it belong to?" You are breaking up from someone else. What if all the trauma and drama isn't yours? Ask, "Who does it belong to?" and if it's light, it's not yours. Then you have space to see what is actually ease. You can be happy, you can do something and create something different here and have more of the space that you know you can have.

What Else Is Possible?

When your relationship has served its purpose, what else would you like to choose? Ask “What else is possible?” and "If I was creating my own reality today, what would I choose?" It's not bad to cry and have a moment. It's not wrong. And, if you are going to be miserable, indulge in it and be the most miserable broken up person ever. Then, when you are done with that, "Now what would I like to create? If I was choosing for me and the future that I desire, what would I choose?" It's a bridge into possibilities beyond a lot of what we see in the movies and media about break ups.

When Kids Are Involved

A lot of times with break ups, one of the biggest challenges is kids. Having children changes things.

When Leandra's 20 year relationship broke up, her son went into drama. They reassured him that they were going to be fine and that the break up wasn't his fault, that it's just between the adults and it's not working, we're not happy with each other. Then they asked him, "Is there anything you'd like to ask us?" and he said, "Just make sure you leave me with each other."  That afternoon he went to Leandra's ex's mother's house and was playing on the trampoline and he told her, "Do you know my parents are going to get a divorce?" and broke it to his grandma with so much ease. She was like, "What?!" But to Leandra, it showed the lightness that they could bring to him even though they were breaking up, that everything was going to be fine, they still loved him and they'd still be a family; just a different type of family. Even now he still knows he can count on both of them even though they are separate. He also has parents who are a little bit happier now they are not together.

So often people think the kids are going to be devastated. No, kids are pretty resilient, and they are way more energetically aware than adults let themselves be, so more often than not, it's the adults projecting that trauma and drama onto the kids, and they are reflecting the expectations of the parent. 

Choosing For You

Paula also went through a break up after a long term relationship. For her it was a big choice. A lot of people were rooting for them; "You're so perfect and you're so in love." So, the choice to break up the relationship was really interesting. 

There wasn't really anything wrong. Paula's partner adored her. He wasn't abusive. There wasn't a checklist of reasons why the relationship should be broken up. She just knew that there was something else possible, and she could feel herself starting to cut off parts of herself to stay in the relationship. Her life was getting bigger and bigger and then she'd come home and it was this traditional "I am the wife and he is the husband." There were a whole lot of unspoken expectations. And even when they did speak about them, it was clear that there was a difference of perspective. So, the break up was more about, "I'm choosing something different." 

For Paula, approaching the break up from that perspective created a lot of space, and also for her partner, because she knew she was moving towards something that matched the energy of what she deserved her life to be. And, her life exploded in a good way. The choice to have her own back harder than anyone else changed the game for her. It showed her that energy of what it looked like to have her own back. 

Everyone's got something to say when a relationship breaks up; "Oh, well that didn't work." "There's no hope for the rest of us." "I don't want you to die all alone and broke." 

No good relationship ends in divorce. It served its purpose and it contributed what it contributed. 

Knowing that when you make a choice like that, it's not easy. It can have an ease to it, and when you make that choice to have your back so hard, even when it's stressful or emotional or whatever that is for you, the universe sees that and immediately rewards it. It is a choice that creates greater, if you allow the universe and consciousness to contribute to all of it.

You Should Always Have More Of You

Leandra notices that when people break up, they start to look really good. They start to go to the gym, etc.  So, there is that energy of really starting to have that relationship with you and asking, "What would I like to do? What does my body want to look like?" You start to have that intimacy with you again, because in relationship you can lose that; you start to immerse yourself with the person you are in relationship with and kind of forget where you are, who you are and what do you like being and creating, etc.

That's why Leandra likes talking about breaking up is easy-ish, because there is a gift in it. You go through rough patches, particularly in the beginning, but there is also that bit of having more of you after breaking up.

There should always be more of you. Whether you are in a relationship or you choose to break up a relationship, having all of you is the minimum requirement of any choice.

So many of the tools in Access Consciousness are all geared towards you having more of you.

When you are actually willing to have more of you, when you make that demand of yourself, the universe immediately has your back and allows you to grow and contributes to you choosing, and presents possibilities that you might not have even known were possible.

Be kind to you. Take it easy. Be in question. Be present with what you want to change and create, and with the other person and your kids. Ask questions.

There is always so much that you can think, but when you start to be and ask those questions, then the change comes with so much ease.

Relationships Done Different

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Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Leandra Costa, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

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