Relationships Done Different

Having the 5 Elements of Intimacy, which are allowance, gratitude, vulnerability, trust and honor, with yourself and with others makes relationships so much easier.  

On this show, the hosts speak more on two of the elements of intimacy, trust and honor, and how all of the elements intertwine and work together to create greater in relationships; rather than just ‘tick the box’ of having a relationship.

Once you go beyond how relationships ‘should’ look and how it ‘should’ be, it becomes so freeing; you get to explore it in a different way and discover what it could be.  You get to discover what works for you and what you could create together.  

Listen to the hosts’ relationship examples to gain a greater awareness of how you can apply these elements within your own relationships.  If you have the 5 Elements of Intimacy, especially with yourself, you get to create anything at all. 

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

What Is Trust? 

Most people think trust is having blind faith; that the person you trust has your back.  This may or may not be true, however, in Access Consciousness, the concept of trust is actually knowing that someone will do what they are going to do.  Expecting them to do otherwise is not kind or honoring and just causes stress for you.

When you make a lot of decisions about people rather than trusting they will do what they do, when it goes off track from your expectations, you feel like you've been let down.

Trust invites you to your awareness.  If you are willing to have your awareness, you can go into the relationship with eyes wide open and create something that actually works for you.  Then it's not about the boundaries and the “Will he/she/they? Won't he/she/they?”

Most people use trust to annihilate their awareness.  "I can trust this person." That is not trust but blind faith.  When you say that, you are limiting what you truly know about the person and what they will or will not choose.

Are you going into your relationships with blinkers on or blinkers off?  What are they actually going to choose and what works for you?

Go With What You Know  

How often do you listen to what you really know? Or do you just blindly go in anyway and hope it all works out okay?

Most people ignore their knowing rather than trust it.  For example, if you have been divorced, did you know the rel was not going to work out beforehand?  Trust you and what you know.

You are aware of what you are aware of, but oftentimes you don't trust it or you forsake it. Ask, “What do I know is actually going to occur in this relationship?"  When you are willing to acknowledge it, you can change it.  It empowers you to have a conversation with your partner, a conversation with yourself, your coworker or whatever, and start to make choices that will work for both of you and create greater for both of you.

When You Don’t Trust Others  

When you don't trust other people and are afraid they will do something to you, what is it that you don't trust about yourself? A lot of time we project our behaviors on to other people who might not actually ever do that.

Have a look at where you think you might do that behavior, or where you judge that behavior as wrong, or where you are not willing to be or do that behavior for yourself.

If we don't trust ourselves and don't trust that people are going to choose what they are going to choose, you go into all the trauma and drama and upset of relationship.  This is when you say things like, 'I can't believe you did that," and you get really mad at them, etc.

If you truly get that people really do choose what they choose, you get to see that it's not against you or it’s not to prove a point; it's just who they be. Often there is no reason; they just choose it because they can.

It's not about understanding why someone did something; most people don't even have a clue - they can't even explain why they chose what they chose, it's just what they chose in the moment.  When you don't go to the why, it's so much easier.

What Is Honor?   

Within the context of Access Consciousness, honor is to treat someone with regard.  With honor, you don't have the point of view that things should be different; you honor it for what it is, you acknowledge it for what it is and allow it to just be.

Honor is going, "Cool, that's what you want?  Here;" rather than trying to change their point of view to be the same as you.

The 5 Elements of Intimacy Are All Intertwined 

The 5 Elements of intimacy all melt into one another - it all works together and makes relationships so much easier; where you struggle with one, the others assist you to work through it and see ways that you can actually have so much more.

For example, vulnerability allows you to see what is true for you, then you get to trust what is true for you.  When you are willing to trust people to choose what they are going to choose, you are never surprised by what they choose, so it's easier to honor them and be interesting point of view for what they are choosing.

How Do You Trust And Honor Yourself?   

Trusting yourself is knowing that you are going to choose what you are going to choose, and honoring yourself is not trying to change that, or yourself, for someone else.  Instead of making yourself wrong for things, give yourself some allowance and permission and honor that you are going to choose what you are going to choose, and giddyup!  It makes your life so much easier.

Daily Questions 

Tools 

Everywhere you don't have the 5 Elements of Intimacy with yourself, would you be willing to let it all go, and what can you do to choose that and have more allowance, gratitude, vulnerability, trust and honor with yourself? 

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Melanie Meade 

Justine McKell 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Useful Links:

 Different countries have different traditions for Valentine’s Day, nevertheless, it can be a contentious issue anywhere.  Is it a celebration of love or a day that highlights how single and miserable you are?  

In this show, our four hosts discuss what Valentine’s day means for them and present you with some simple tools to enjoy Valentine’s day no matter what your relationship status.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

What If Nothing Was Wrong With You? 

A lot of people desperately seeking a partner will go to that place where they think the reason they don’t have a partner is because there is something wrong with themselves.  What if it wasn't about changing or fixing anything about you? What if you could, instead, have allowance for you?  Allowance is having no point of view; where nothing is wrong with you and nothing is right with you, and everything just is.  When you have that equanimity, there is so much peace in your world.

Having Gratitude For Yourself Is Key

If you don't have gratitude for yourself, it’s hard for someone else to have that towards you.  Gratitude grows things and you can’t have judgment in gratitude.  Start with baby steps - not going to the wrongness, stopping it every time you find yourself doing that and replacing it with, “I am grateful for me.”  Things change and move so fast.  Enjoy every moment you have, whether it’s being single or with someone else.

Sometimes You Have To Do A Little Bit Of Looking Inward

This reality tells us to look for someone who will complete us; as if you are in some way lacking without a partner.  In actuality, you've got to be willing to give yourself whatever it is you think you lack.  What are you not willing to receive?  If you look to a partner to provide everything for you, that’s a lot of pressure.  If you are in a relationship, is that sustainable? If you are not, is it attractive? 

Allowance

We tend to get so fixed in the way we look at relationship - how things ‘should’ be instead of seeing the difference of everyone and how they actually add to our lives.

Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the willingness to be present with and look at everything, and just receive it all with no point of view.  It is a very seductive quality. The willingness to have no point of view invites people into your life who are willing to receive you with no judgment. 

Vulnerability opens the door to so much receiving and a much more vivid experience of actually being alive; you are receptive to everything and everything that comes into your life is more intense. You can change a lot in the world when you are willing to look at what is true for you.

The unwillingness to be vulnerable cutts yourself off from you and from your receiving 

Vulnerability in relationships is where nothing about you or your partner is right or wrong.  Everything is just information. It takes away what you think things should be, allowing you to look at them in a different way. It also removes all the walls and barriers that you had up, creating a space for more intimacy. Magic can show up when you are willing to no longer have any walls and barriers up.

Who Does It Belong To?

If you are feeling lonely on Valentine’s Day,  is it actually yours?  We are all so aware.  Are you actually picking up on someone else’s feelings?  Ask, “Who does it belong to?”  

This reality places a whole lot of significance on Valentine’s Day and having someone who loves you.  And if you don't, what does that mean? Is any of that actually your point of view, or is it just the culture you are in?  You are told you need to care about it, but do you actually care about it?

You are aware of all the different points of view around you, such as “You need a man” - but is that actually your point of view?

Do You Actually Want A Relationship?

If you say you want a relationship and you don't have one, you don't actually want a relationship.  You've got to be willing to look at that in order to change it.

What If Your Fixed Point Of View Wasn’t Actually True?

If you don't get what you wanted on Valentine’s Day eg the right number of flowers, is your relationship doomed? What could be different if you no longer had any fixed points of view?

For those of you looking for a relationship, it is noteworthy that fixed points of view about relationship and the ‘right’ partner can actually be why you are staying single.  When someone comes into your life who actually could contribute and form a relationship, they may not match the projection you have of what you think a relationship is supposed to be, so you reject it and them.

Get Clear On What You Desire

Make a list of what you want and also what you don't want in a relationship.  It’s not about what they should look like, etc., but the energy of what you desire, such as kindness, thoughtful, and so on.  

This list assists you to get really clear on the energy of what you desire, and the clarity assists in creating and attracting it.  Being clear on what you don't want also helps you get more present with what it is you actually desire.

With every item on your list, ask, “Where am I not willing to be that for me?”

Daily Questions 

Your Hosts

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Melanie Meade 

Justine McKell 

Relationships Done Different

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Useful Links:

The Clearing Statement explained

Access Consciousness Website

What Does Relationships Done Different Mean? 

Have you spent your whole life trying to figure out what relationship is all about? There actually is no right way, or ideal way, to do relationship. What if your relationship didn't have to look like anyone else's?  Relationships done different is about creating all your relationships in a way that works for you.

Relationship Killers: Expectation, Judgment & Completion  

A lot of time, people spend their life seeking relationships - friendships, intimate relationships, having children - only to find out that when they actually achieve that, it is not what they expected; it’s wonderful (or not), and there are challenges. 

Expectation stops the adventure of exploring what else is possible. And, when expectations aren’t met, it kills relationships.

When you meet other people, they also have expectations of you. When you don't meet those, they tend to judge you because you don't have it 'right'. A great tool in these circumstances is to flip it by asking questions; it enables you to look at yourself from a different place to whatever their projections are of you.

The other aspect of seeking a relationship is that once you are in one, you’re done; you’ve achieved your goal, so there is a sense of completion rather than continuation.  That sense of being done stops creation and growth. Relationship should be a contribution to your life; an addition, not a completion.  You can still continue to create something different even after you 'tick the box', you can still grow, learn and have fun, by continuing to ask questions.  A great question to ask is, “What else is possible here?”

Relationship Tools: Gratitude, Creationship.  

Gratitude is the most powerful and overlooked tool. You can change anything with gratitude.  One of the biggest killers of relationship is judgment; it really erodes the possibilities that are available in relationship.  Whereas, in the face of gratitude, judgment cannot exist. Taking the time to have gratitude for the people you are in relationship with is a great tool against the routine of life, where you tend to forget it.  

Another great tool is the idea of creationship, where you keep creating together as opposed to that sense of completion or routine.  It is a constant exploration, which is far more fun and generative than trying to get the perfect relationship.

Maintaining Fun & Play In A Relationship.  

The dirty dishes are never actually the issue; they are a symptom of something else that is going on.  To avoid this, you need to be willing to be really vulnerable together and totally honest with each other without being confrontational, and say what is going on in your world, what's up for you.  The niggly things that you tend to nag about kill the fun and the joy in the everyday.

Let the dirty dishes be the dirty dishes.

Remember why you like this person.  Ask, "What is the overall contribution this person is to my life?"

Take a moment to actually be together. So many relationships these days get into a rut of sitting together and mindlessly scrolling on their phones, rather than actually engaging together.

Managing Multiple Relationships In A Busy Life. 

When you have a business and a family and a partner and are very busy, the key is to stop making yourself wrong.  Eliminate the guilt that can occur with things like working rather than playing with your kids, or when multitasking when you're with them.  Nobody has relationship right. Whatever you are doing, really enjoy it and be in the moment. Don’t spend the time you do have with your partner or kids worrying about your ‘to do’ list. 

Clarity Creates.   

Get clear on what it is you would like to create, move forward, live your life, and just allow those energies or those people to show up for you.

Write down the different areas of your life where you would like to create greater eg body, relationship, sex, etc. and list all of the things you actually desire in each of those areas, not from judgment, but to get clarity on what will contribute to the creation of your life.

It starts with you.  Anywhere you are not willing to be anything for you, you can't really invite into your life. 

Daily Questions