Relationships Done Different

Are you in a relationship that you don’t like? Or are you desiring to create a relationship with someone?

In this episode, your host, Rachael O’Brien, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Penny Tonkin, about  tools they have both used in their relationships to create more conscious relationships that allow you to have that sense of being alive and life being a gift to you.

What if you could move from judgement and separation with people, to allowance, gratitude, vulnerability, honour and trust?

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Ask Questions Every Day

One of the tools Penny uses every day for relationships is to ask a question. We are taught to have the answer, and to go out and find the ‘right’ person and marry the ‘right’ person and get a house. What if that's not true for you? What if you can just have fun and ask a question, like, “What can I create today to have even more fun for me?" and follow the energy?

Penny's first relationship, she knew it would never be what she wanted, and she created it like that. It took her 20 years to finally say that it was not working for her, but at least she recognised it and did something about it.  We all know in our hearts what is true. Penny really learnt to follow the energy and ask questions. Questions are the key for Penny; every day!

The Most Important Thing Is The Relationship With Yourself

The thing that is most important is your relationship with yourself. Before you can have a relationship with anybody else, you have to have one with you.

The 5 Elements of Intimacy are: honour, trust, vulnerability, allowance and gratitude. What if you could have those with yourself?

When Penny grew up, she thought intimacy was about cuddling and sex etc. For Rahael it was kissing and hugging and bodies coming together. And it's not. That's copulation and touch.

To Rachael, honour, trust, vulnerability, allowance and gratitude are essential aspects of your relationship with yourself; which she says she is still working on. Rachael was severely abused as a young girl, and she says we've all been abused. We live in a world where we are told to communicate through judgement and ‘this is right, this is wrong, this is good, this is bad’. So, her primary relationships as a young girl were not based on honouring, respect, valuing, or trusting what you know. 

What Does Relationship Mean To You?

Rachael recreated the relationships that she grew up around. She grew up around a lot of trauma and drama and havoc, and there was absolutely no peace or consciousness - consciousness meaning receiving everything and judging nothing. So, she ended up with relationships that she would not like to have instead of things that she would like to have.

True relationship is about when people come together, they have a capacity and ability to have more abundance and thrive. That's actually the basis of relationships done different; that your relationships support you to thrive and have an abundance of living and the wealth of living, instead of havoc and fighting and getting into a boat where you don't know if the boat is secure and literally swimming in the middle of the sea blaming each other.

Rachael would just fall in love. She never looked at, "Is this what I would like to have? Does this have something that is going to support me to have a greater way of living?" Relationship was just about survival for Rachael. 

To change this, she started asking, "How did I create this?"

If you are in a relationship that you are not enjoying or you don't like what you have, or there always seem to be a problem, ask "How did I create this?" It allows you to receive the unconsciousness or lack of presence that you created the relationship from; the unconscious point of view. Because, we create our lives; everything that happens to us.

It’s not about, "What's wrong with me?" Penny was in a relationship for 20 years that didn't work for her, Rachael was in a relationship for 19 years. There's nothing wrong about it and there's nothing right about it. Rachael sees that she and her partner were just two children that came out of a lot of havoc and a lot of unconsciousness and they created the exact same relationships that their parents had. Her partner's dad was away working for his whole childhood, and Rachael grew up without a dad. So, when they came together, they weren't even present with each other. 

There was a lot of love for the other person but it's like they couldn't be in that space; there was so much shit about money and so much shit with having kids and there was so much lack of presence. They lacked presence and education with how to deal with daily living, how to deal with money, how to deal with the business of having a family and how to deal with things that would show up with their children on a daily basis. They were fighting the insanity of this reality instead of getting really present with what we would like to have.

Rachael didn't really want to get married, but she did want the 'fantasy' of the norm. And she thought that if she got married, everything was going to be beautiful and everything would work; and that wasn't the case. It also was really tough for Rachael's partner, as she acknowledges that she wasn't present and wasn't happy for 80% of the time. So, you had two people who didn't know how to generate a living that was peaceful and supported that expansion and thriving and abundance. As such, they were just living according to this reality's rules and regulations.

POD & POC

POD is the point of destruction and POC is the point of creation. When we say POD and POC, we are actually clearing all the points of views that you've created about whatever comes up for you.

For Rachael, the POD and POC is a huge tool. If you have a relationship that is drama, separation, confusion, no care of bodies and just fighting a war everyday, you can ask, "How did I create this?" and POC and POD all of the things that come up; all of the judgements, etc.  Then, and ask a new question, such as, "What can I create today?" Or, if you are not in a relationship, "What would it take for me to find a great partner?"

Destroy and Uncreate Your Relationships Every Day

Another tool Penny shared was destroying and uncreating your relationships everyday. Most people think that means you are ending your relationships. No. Destroying and uncreating the relationship is destroying your points of view, your emotions, everything that you have locked in place of your relationship previously, allowing something new to generate. 

For example, if you have a grudge and you destroy and uncreate your relationship with that person, it will destroy and uncreate all the points of views you have about it and everything you have decided, all the judgments about who you are and what this is, etc., and it creates a blank slate where you can start again.

So, every day, “I destroy and uncreate my relationship with [insert your partner’s name/your children's names/ etc.]” and use POC and POC to destroy and uncreate everything that comes up around that. Then you can ask a question, such as, "What can I create with this relationship? 

Penny does this every day with her relationships with her business, her son, her partner, her dog, her mum and father and just general people. She says it's a great tool to use. And, things do change.

You don't have to judge your past choices. Just choose something new today; "What can I create today?" "Universe, what would it take for me to create an even better relationship with me; totally trusting me?"  The relationship with you comes first.

Trust What You Know

The tool Penny uses when a relationship isn't going well, such as a judgmental boss or difficulties with her relationship with your son, etc., is trusting herself and really honouring her awareness and trusting what she knows. Trust is something that wasn't existent in past relationships and she really had to work on it. Now, she really acknowledges that she does trust herself and she does know. She just keeps asking questions and goes with her awareness.

When we say trust, we don't mean trust what the person says. We mean, if your mum was fighting for her point of view yesterday because she needs to be right, and she was fighting 10 years ago, and she loves to fight, you can trust that she is going to fight today.

Also, you can trust in the energy of each situation. If you walk into a room and there is an energy of anger or hatred, you can trust that you know someone has that energy. When you are functioning from awareness, you are not willing to cut that knowing off. The founder of Access Consciousness, Gary Douglas, says, “Some people will kill you, some people will hurt you, some people will help you and some people will contribute to you massively.” And it is possible to pick up on that energy as soon as you meet someone. That's one of the gifts Penny has. Be willing to receive all the information. And, receiving doesn't mean that you lock it into your body, but you are aware of all the information. 

We are not educated or invited to trust ourselves and our knowing. One of the big things Rachael learnt with Relationships Done Different was trust. She wasn't invited in anyway to trust the energetics of what she knows in relationships, so her evolution of trusting what she knows and trusting the energies has been a continuous reach for "What is true for me here? What do I know here?" And, she says she still has lots of work to do on this. If she has someone in her life who loves to fight and loves to be right and loves separation and judgement and drama, she can recognise their purpose with their words and their actions, and realise that it's not personal. 

Write A List Of Everything You Desire In A Relationship

One of the tools Gary Douglas, the founder of Access Consciousness, gave Rachael in 2019 was to write down the things she would like to have in a relationship and the things you would not like to have, and get really clear on that.  We say what would you like to have, or what do you desire rather than what do I want, because there are so many definitions that want means to lack.

Rachael wrote her list again yesterday, and it included: allowance, gratitude, independence, willingness for growth and change, peaceful, living, love bodies and two people increasing their capacity to thrive.

What Racael would not like to have is: judgement (because all judgement is a separation and an abuse), massive money problems (because they bring all of that drama into the relationship), family drama, trauma, confusion, and no presence with bodies

When Rachael went down her list, she asked if she was willing to be all those things for herself. She acknowledges that she is not fully willing and that she still has work to do.

What if you wrote your list right now?

Is Your Relationship Fun For You?

For Penny, the most important energies in a relationship are having fun and being happy. That's how she lives her life every day now. And also the energy of relaxation. Every day she asks, "How much fun can I have today? How happy can I be?" 

One of the top things that makes Penny happy is walking on the beach and just laying on the sand receiving the energy of the Earth. Also, just being around her friends that she laughs with. A lot of people can bring you down, so Penny chooses her friends to be fun.

Rachael says she still has work to do in her relationships. She will notice when she still wants to control someone or has a need of a reactive reaction. And that's okay too. We keep going. We are experts in what we don't like to have. Rachael gets up every day and really looks at what it is she would like to have and what it is that she would like to build and what is relevant for her. And what really brings laughter and joy and light into her life. 

What would it take for us all to create a conscious relationship; consciousness meaning, receiving everything and judging nothing?

What choice can you make today to create the relationship with you and others that would allow you to have that sense of being alive and life being a gift to you?

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

 Useful Links:

How is your relationship with your kids? Is it a tumultuous ride that you don’t enjoy, or is it ease, joy and glory no matter what comes your way?

On this show, your host, Leandra Costa, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Danielle Tooley, about the relationship you have with your kids. She discusses tools and techniques to create a different space from which you can parent your children.

What can we create with Relationships Done Different with our kids?

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

How Do You Parent?

Danielle says that a lot of her parenting comes from reflecting on the way she was parented. Some of the things she does the same, but she also looks at where things didn't work. She likes to be really present with her parenting, and if something isn't working, she will ask questions like, "Where can I choose greater? Where can I be better? What can I do different in this situation?"

When Danielle was growing up, she had a lot of freedom. They played on the street with their friends and would go home when the street lights came on. Whereas, kids these days don't get as much freedom as what she did. They are indoors more and on iPads.

So, Danielle allowed her kids to have freedom from a very young age. At around 8 or 9 years of age, she let them walk to school together on their own. Although, she did say that the first time, she actually followed them in the car. Her main concern was because they had to cross main busy roads and she wanted to know if they'd use the lights and get across okay. And, she realised they were doing well.

As a mum, it's about really using your knowing, using your awareness, and allowing them to have freedoms and really tapping into, "If I allow them to do this, is everything going to be okay?"

Also, letting your kids know that they need to use their own awareness and intuition and knowing as well.  This isn't normally taught with kids. Usually it's about what you know as a parent and the kids don't know anything. There has to be a little bit of "You need to listen to me," because there needs to be boundaries, and also allowing them to know what they know too.

Giving your kids space gives you more space for you, and it allows them to grow their confidence and feel empowered. They also get to see that their friends' parents don’t do that, so perhaps they'll think, "Maybe my mum's not so bad afterall."

Leandra also has a 10 year old. He goes to a totally different school where he chooses whatever he does with his time there. It's about teaching him to ask questions and letting him know he is being heard and seen.

Dealing With Emotions

Danielle grew up with a very emotionally reactive mum, so she learnt a lot of that emotional reactivity. It's something she's had to undo to be more present as a parent. Biomimetically mimicking is when you mimic someone else's behaviour, and Danielle really mimicked her mum. Rather than react, it's really about being calm and being space and also about being whatever energy is required in the moment. 

Another tool that assisted Danielle was learning that there are things called distractor implants, such as anger, rage, fury and hate, that distract you from being you. It’s more about what is underneath the emotion.

Danielle's son is on the spectrum and can go from 0 to 100 very quickly with anger. It's a matter of keeping her walls and barriers down to keep the wind out of his sails. When he is calmer, she can throw in a bit of logic, but she finds that logic with a kid that is fired up and triggered gets you nowhere. You may both need some space. There have been times when Danielle has said to her son, "I'm not feeling safe right now, so I am going to leave for a moment. You do your anger in your pillow, or whatever you need to do, but I am going to take myself out of the situation, and we can talk about it later."  When he's calmed down, she talks to him about what is underneath the anger. Anger is a distractor implant, so it's about what is underneath that creating that trigger. 

If a child is throwing fury at you, it may assist you to know a lot of their emotions are also affected by development. Their brains don't stop developing til they are 25. The amygdala is developing the most during the teen years which is responsible for a lot of that emotional stuff, So, you will get a lot of that as a parent. As a parent, this will require you to be even more calm and space and being in the question, in that moment, because you will be met with those triggers and those triggers can trigger you, depending on how you were brought up, etc.

As a mum, we have all been in situations where we have met that energy of anger from our child with the same energy, having been triggered by it. But, that doesn't create anything greater. It’s not about judging yourself, it’s about acknowledging that it didn’t work and not choosing it next time. 10 second increments of choice means that you can always choose something different.

When you go to reaction and judgement, just stop. And, ask a question; "What's next? What can I be next?" 

When Danielle's kids were very young and being all crazy, she would ask them, "Who are you being right now?" Or if she was doing crazy she would ask herself, "Who am I being right now?" It gets you back to the present moment, because you might be doing something like acting out your own mum's behaviour. We are all telepathic, picking up everyone's thoughts, feelings and emotions. You might be so calm all day, in the best happy mood, and someone can come in and you can get flipped into their emotional state so easily if you are not willing to be present in that moment.

Being The Space Required For Your Children To Communicate With You

Danielle had an incident recently with her daughter. She was sitting on her bed filing her nails and her daughter came in and sat next to her and started engaging in a conversation about some people and what was happening. Instead of asking her daughter if she wanted some feedback or if she just wanted her to listen, she went into problem solving. Her daughter didn't like that. She said Danielle was lecturing her, and she got up and stormed out and slammed the door.  So, Danielle got up and went in her room and said, "I'm really sorry for interrupting you. I'm listening now, do you want to try again?" She took responsibility for her own part in the interaction that didn't go down so well - that she wasn't there for her the way her daughter wanted her to be.

Her daughter didn't come back to the conversation straight away. She needed some time to process what just happened. When she did come back, Danielle said they did some other things and had some fun rather than go back to the conversation. It's about having that open communication so they trust you enough to vent without you butting in, but always knowing you are there to support them if they want some advice and tools.  

They are not always going to want advice. As a teenager, their job is to separate from you for survival. In fact, their bodies are ready to procreate, however, in our society, they are not emotionally ready. If they were in the 'wild' they would procreating. So, their job is to separate from you and create their own tribe. In this society, that's their peers. You are wrong in their eyes; you don't know what you are talking about, you're stupid, etc. They don't want to listen to you. But, they will want to listen to you after 25, once that brain has finished developing. In the mean time, it’s important to keep that open communication. You have to be total space. And if you really want to say something, zip it.

Leandra's son also has some special abilities. One of the things he loves to do is to bake, so Leandra will invite him to bake with her to create a safe space. How can you be with your kids? What will make them really feel that they can talk and be themselves? Often, we as parents are busy and thinking of the cooking or our jobs, etc.  What can we be to be in more connection with them?

For Danielle, the best conversations with her kids occur in the car. She won't allow them to be on their phones in the car. If she is going to drive them, she wants them present with her. Just recently, Danielle was at a parent and son night at her school, and one of the parents said they take their son possum hunting and that's when they talk. It’s about finding that groove with your child, whatever that is for you. Find that space where they will open up and listen to what comes out. 

Often, too, they just require you being there. Leandra would go to guilt working from home, but her son would say he was okay because she was there. 

Stop Judging Yourself

Remind yourself to not get pulled into the distractor implants of anger, rage, fury, hate, blame, shame, regret and guilt, and also living in 10 second increments with your kids. If you show up as a parent in a way that you didn't like or didnt' work, you've got 10 seconds to choose something different.  Try not to go into judgment of yourself. Don't do judgment. It doesn't create anything greater. Go, "Okay, that didn't work very well. What could I choose different next time?" And,reminding yourself, "who am I being here?", if you go into emotional reactivity. If your child is acting crazy, ask "Who are you being?" They may not get it straight away. They may shoot a bit more venom at you. But practise also, if there is anger in a situation, pulling energy from them.  That will allow their walls and barriers to come down, so you can come in from a different space, and allow things to simmer down before you have a conversation. If you are in a distractor implant, wait!

Say to yourself, "all the distractor implants creating this situation, I destroy and uncreate them all" Let the earth suck them up, or whatever is required. Create some space to allow you to come back in with a different energy. 

You can also ask "What energy is required in this situation?" Sometimes, being really aggressively present in a situation, without anger, is what's called for. For example, "If you do that again I will punish you in ways you can't imagine," and delivering that with intensity, could be the thing that shifts the energy of the situation. The required energy could also be kindness, or caring or gratitude. Ask “What energy can I be in this situation that is going to create the greatest for me and my child?” It might not be what you think. You might think you need to punish them, but that is a conclusion. Always ask a question. There have been times when Danielle has chosen not to punish her daughter because she can see it won't create anything greater. 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Danielle Tooley, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

Danielle Tooley’s website

Danielle Tooley’s Instagram

Danielle Tooley’s Facebook

Useful Links:

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Honouring Self With Kindness

There is an honouring of self in Simone Milasas’ world, cofounder of Relationships Done Different. There is a demand in her world which does not sway, yet it is delivered with kindness. Even letting someone go from her team is a kindness. It is kinder to everyone, and creates greater, if you just tell people what you are aware of and ask questions, rather than put up with something that is not working.

Most people think that kindness has to look a certain way.  For years Paula thought she wasn’t kind because she wasn’t this soft, sing songy kind of lady.

Kindness Is Having Your Own Back

As a mum, Becky always gave her kids a lot of choice. They don't always fit in, but they definitely have kindness to themselves. If they don’t want to hug, for example, they say so, and that’s okay.  Becky’s mum, however,  takes it personally; “If you don't hug me, you don't love me.” Rather than put up with this, they will tell her “Don’t manipulate me.” They have this sense of self where they have their own back. They're not giving themselves up even when Becky’s mum is guilt tripping them.

Kindness Versus Being Nice

How often are you unkind to yourself to maintain the illusion of being nice? The amount of things we've all done in our lives to be nice, which are not kind to you, is staggering.

More often, what people think is being kind is actually being ‘nice’. Being nice usually means you lose yourself in order to take care of others’ happiness. Kindness is more about allowance and the willingness to be what's required; which includes yourself.

Chris just ended a relationship that wasn't working. The ‘nice’ thing would have been to put up with it and not create any sort of conflict or discomfort. The kind thing for everyone involved was to end it. It may not have seemed it at the time, but it was so required and there lies the kindness. Kindness doesn’t mean comfortable. Chris had to look at it and ask, "Where and how is this actually contributing to me?"

There is a way to do it with kindness that creates greater for everyone. And, when you are willing to be that energy for you, you show other people that it's possible.

A friend of Chris’, Kass, waiting for a table at a restaurant with a friend. When the next table became available, they were dismissed and passed over for a white couple behind them. Kass’ friend got really angry, saying it was because they were black. Kass, however, dealt with it with kindness, whilst still asking for what she desired and deserved; "I'm sorry dear, you must not have seen that we were here before them.  Would it be possible for you to serve us now?"

Judgement versus Empowerment

One of the biggest areas where relationships seem to fall apart is communication and knowing how to say something. If there is no judgement, what does communication look like?

A retail shop owner that Chris knows was complaining to him about his staff.  Chris asked him, “Are you judging them? Is  managing your shop with a loaded gun how you can communicate and empower your staff?”

Chris is always interested in what his friends and staff know, rather than micromanaging and dictating to them. Kindness is empowering people to what they know and to have the greatest life they possibly can.

He is not interested in having relationships with people who constantly judge and nitpick and make everything wrong. If you take the judgement and the wrongness out, what is there to nitpick at?

Ask for what you require and be that energy of what you demand and what you are reaching for, without judgement.

We can all be unkind and we can all be really kind; it's a combination. If you are making yourself wrong for the times you are not kind, look at all aspects. What kindness can you be? What kindness can you see?

Ask For More Kindness To Show Up

Ask and you shall receive is how the universe works. You can ask for anything. Keep asking for more kind and fun people to show up. Chris asks for the following, "What would it take to surround myself with kind, caring, creative people?"

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Useful Links:

Are you grateful for your body? Do you have allowance for it? For years Simone used to dismiss her body and find it annoying, until she realised that judging your body does not create anything greater!

In this episode, Simone Milasas discusses two chapters from the book, Divorceless Relationships, with Paula Peralta; Getting To Know Your Body and Secrets To Great Sex.

If you have total communion with your body, then you can have great sex; because it’s your body that copulates. Embodiment should be about joy in your body, and your body being a contribution to you and you being a contribution to your body and being. Treat your body like a best friend.  

There is only one thing you want hard in life!

Keys to success

Stop Judging Your Body

For years Simone used to view her body as annoying. She dismissed her body and would have judgments such as, "I could get so much more done if I didn't have a body," as well as judging its size and shape. And, when she stopped judging her body for its size and shape, she started judging it for ageing.

Judging your body doesn't create change. 

In the last 5 years, Simone has stopped judging her body so harshly. She asked herself, “What if I stopped judging it and was just super happy to have a body in this lifetime and be in communion with it?”

A whole space is available when you stop judging your body. It's like a muscle. The second you go to judge, catch yourself and stop. No one else can do it for you.  Simone says that even though she has less judgement of her body now, she still has to practice.

Greater Communion With Your Body

Be in tune with what your body is asking for. A while ago, Simone hurt herself in pilates and was talking to Gary Douglas, the founder of Access Consciousness, about it. He told her that she needs to stop doing whatever it is she is doing the moment something gets so much fun.  It seems counterintuitive but for Simone, that is when she stopped asking her body questions and just continues doing what she finds so much fun. You really have to pay attention to what your body is asking for and listen. Now Simone catches herself when she does this and asks, "Have I stopped asking my body?"

It's about asking your body what it requires. Listen to your body and follow the energy. There is no right or wrong. Your body might desire something for 2 days, 1 day, 2 weeks, 1 month; it's not a longevity thing. Listening to your body and being in communion with it will create greater.

Start your day by conversing with your body. Put your hands on your body and have a little chat; “Hey body, how’s it going?” Put your attention on a part of the body, or on your organs or cells and ask it, “What do you require?”

Being in communion with your body also leads to greater sex. You can't have great sex if you are not in communion with your body; because it's your body that copulates!

Have Gratitude For Your Body

Your body is your best friend, and we treat it like crap by constantly judging it and getting frustrated. What if we changed that to constant gratitude?

What part of your body do you love, find wonderful?  What if you looked at your body through someone else's eyes? 

Communion And Relationship

The greatest relationship you can have is with you and your body; then you can pick and choose in a really different way because you are not looking for someone to fulfil you. Only you can fulfil you.

Hollywood movies portray themes like, "you complete me" and "soul mate." What if everything you have been told is a lie?

If you have communion with you, you can add somebody to your life.  If you don't, you'll be looking for someone to fulfil you or to complete you. No one else can complete you; only you can complete you. Other people can be a contribution, but they don't complete you.

It is way more fun to be with someone who is being all of them. One of the most attractive things in the world is someone who is being them.

If you are looking to put your trust in someone else before you have it with you, you will never have all of you. If you have trust in you, then you can trust someone else; but it's not blind faith. It's you in allowance of who they be and you can make choice.

Holding Onto A Relationship

Everything you've decided is the 'right' choice, take a breath and let it go.

What are you avoiding by holding on to a relationship so tight? What if instead, you choose to be with them each and every day? And then, if it's time for something different, what if you could choose that?

Winners, Losers & No Counts

In relationships, a ‘Winner’ is someone who you would feel like you have ‘won’ if you hooked up with them, but the catch is that they typically judge you or your body. A ‘Loser’ is someone who wants to hook up with you, but you judge them (because they must be a loser if they want to be with you). And a ‘No count’ is someone who has no judgement in their world. 

For Simone, anyone who didn't want to have sex with her was a winner; ie if she had sex with them, she had scored a winner.   There was no question in her world of, "Will this be fun?"; just the desire to score a ‘win’.  Anyone who wanted to have sex with her, she put in the loser category; it was just too easy! And, the no counts just didn’t count.

She would choose men who would judge her body based on the same judgement she had of her body. It would validate the limitation she was choosing for herself.

Now, she asks, "What would it take to choose lovers who are nurturing, who are fun?"

Sex, Sexuality, Copulation & Intimacy

‘Sex’ is where you are walking tall, feeling good and strutting your stuff.

‘Sexuality’ is a judgement and a definition of you based on your sexual preferences.

‘Copulation’ is where you put your body parts together.

Copulation is not intimacy. The 5 elements of intimacy are gratitude, trust, honour, vulnerability and allowance. For Simone, having that level of intimacy with someone was a lot harder than copulation. What if you were willing to have the 5 elements of intimacy with everyone, including yourself and your body?

Great Copulation

People make having sex right or wrong.  There was a time when Simone was willing to never have sex again.  She also knows people who havent had sex for years. It doesn't matter! None of it is right or wrong; you are not right if you have sex and wrong if you don't, or if you masturbate or not. If you are being really present with your body, then you get to choose; that's when the joy and the pleasure with it all exceeds.

Great sex is a level of contribution and receiving.  Sometimes you want fast and furious sex. Sometimes you want slow sex. If you are willing to have it all and play with it all, you'll have more communion with your body.

The first time that Simone had sex, it was about ticking a box; “Now I've had sex. I can tell my friends,” rather than an exploration; "Ooo, is this nice?  Is that nice?" etc.

Then, for years, she never chose who to have sex with from the space of, "Will this person be nurturing for me?" She didn’t ask, “Is this working for me and my body? Is this fun for me? Is this joyful?”

Create communion by asking your body questions.  Even with long term partners, ask “Will this be nurturing?” before copulating; rather than this judgement that you have decided needs to be fulfilled.

Your Body Doesn’t Have A Judgement

When looking for a person to copulate with, what if you asked for a particular energy, such as somebody who is going to contribute to you, be kind to you and your body and doesn’t judge your body, rather than stipulate physical appearances like size, weight, height, etc.?

Your body doens't have a judgement about who it wants to have sex with. Ask, “Body, who would you like to have sex with?" It could be lots of different people. It's you who judges whether it’s right or wrong, good or bad, and has all these reasons and justifications about whether you can or can’t have sex with someone.  It’s not that you go and have sex with everyone your body would like to copulate with; it's about identifying the energy of that person that your body finds nurturing, and asking for that in a sex partner.

Your body is really smart. You are the one who is sometimes a little crazy.  Let your body show you the way and listen to that. Then you might have a different reality show up.

Too Tired To Copulate

How much of your life are you forcing yourself to do things you don't really want to do?

The energy you put into making yourself do things is what makes you feel tired. You have to expend more energy doing things you don't want to do.

You get to choose. If you are tired due to working too much and don't want to have sex, acknowledge that, and what else is possible? For example, could you go away together for three days?

Positive Judgments

A positive judgement is going to lock you up just as much as a negative judgement.

Perfection is a judgement; "I've got the perfect partner," or "that was the best sex I've ever had." Positive judgement leads into this place where you do not choose anything different or greater.

If you have great sex, enjoy it and ask, "How does it get any better than that? What else is possible?"

It's not about getting rid of the positive or negative judgements; what if you were interesting point of view about it all? 

Being Orgasmic Energy

You don't just get turned on when you copulate. When you are willing to have the energy of sexualness, there is a turn on that occurs. The more you play with that, the more you feel those vibrant energies. But you have to be willing to receive all of those generative, fun, exciting energies. At what age did you turn your body off? There will be a decision you've made about the wrongness of your body.

Get the energy of orgasm; it doesn’t matter how long ago it was, we all know the energy of it - even if it was in another lifetime. Pull that energy up from the Earth and up through your feet and body, and tap into that orgasmic energy through your entire body. Allow the heartbeat or pulse of orgasmic energy throughout your body.

Everything that doesn't allow you to perceive, know, be and receive that, will you destroy and uncreate it?  Right and wrong, good and bad, POD and POC, all 9, shorts, boys, POVADs and beyonds.

You can do this exercise at any time. Orgasmic energy is a really alive energy. It doesn't mean you have to copulate, but you can walk around everyday with that energy. What if that's how you be in the world?

Everything that doesn't allow you to choose to live with that orgasmic energy, will you destroy and uncreate it?  Right and wrong, good and bad, POD and POC, all 9, shorts, boys, POVADs and beyonds.

The Joy Of Embodiment

Embodiment is not just about your body but your whole reality. If you are willing to receive this whole reality, a different embodiment can occur.

It should be about joy and happy in your body, and your body being a contribution to you and you being a contribution to your body and being.

Ask every day,  "What else is possible for me and my body today?"

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Simone Milasas, Worldwide Business Coordinator of Access Consciousness, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator, Business Done Different Facilitator, 3-day Body & Advanced Body Facilitator

Simone's Website

Simone’s Instagram

Simone’s Facebook 

Useful Links:

Do you get annoyed with your partner? Can your partner never do anything right? Or, do you judge yourself as being wrong all the time within your relationship? What if there was another possibility?

On this show, your host, Christopher Hughes, has a raw and vulnerable discussion with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Carolyn Sinclair, about her marriage and their relationship together; including her husband’s last days.

What if your interaction with all the people you are in relationship with wasn't a reaction but a choice to create something?

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Your Point of View Creates Your Reality

When you decide your partner is wrong, nothing they ever do will be right. 

A few years back, Carolyn had decided her husband was wrong and was considering getting a divorce. After attending a Choice of Possibilities class with Gary Douglas, the founder of Access Consciousness, she began to realise that it was her point of view that needed to change, not the situation.

It was she who had decided things he did were annoying, and she realised that it was she who was creating the problems because she had to be right all the time and everything he did was wrong.

Carolyn began to ask questions of herself; “What was it about me that I only saw the things that were irking me, when previously we used to have so much fun together?”

She also started using the tool, interesting point of view, every time she felt annoyed. Saying “Interesting point of view I have this point of view,” over and over in your head dissipated all the mind stuff that was going on and made everything so much better and happier.

What if you didn’t have to be right and you used the tool, interesting point of view?

Love Is Always A Judgement

When someone says, “I love you,” it can mean so many different things; and, it is always a judgement. When you love someone or something, there is generally a ‘because’ attached; I love you because x, y or z.

What if instead you used gratitude? When you are in gratitude, you can't be annoyed; the things or behaviours that previously annoyed you no longer matter.

Gratitude doesn't need a ‘because’; it's an appreciation for what is without any expectation of anything that could be different.

Gratitude And Creationship

For Carolyn, everything got better with gratitude; even her sex life. 

In this world, you have to spend quality time together and have meaningful moments to maintain your love and to prove your love. But when you take all that away and are just enjoying each other, it's a different thing.

When you look at the definition of ‘relationship’, it means the distance between two things. Instead of being in a relationship, be in a creationship. You want to have a partner that together you create 20 times more than you do individually.

Allowance

We can't live on this planet without relating to or interacting with others; ie without having something to do with other people.

As head of Customer Service for Access Consciousness, Carolyn possibly interacts with a lot more people than most; and, many of those involve ‘complaints’, where the customer is annoyed. The two tools that Carolyn uses for greater ease in this customer service role, and in life, are allowance and interesting point of view. 

Allowance is like being a big rock in the middle of a stream. Do you get banged around and have to avoid everybody, or are you just letting everything flow by? The choice is yours. When you don't resist and react or align and agree, it changes the energy between you and the other person; because every molecule is consciousness, and we all interact.

Having allowance for others is not just kind for them, it's kind for yourself too. If you don't do trauma and drama and you are in allowance of what other people say and do, life is so much easier for you. Imagine a world where absolutely nothing we did or chose was in reaction.

What if your interaction with people wasn't a reaction but a choice to create something?

Play with it.

You Get To Choose To Be Happy Every Day

If Carolyn is not happy, she uses an Access tool to clear it, change it, or realise it's not hers but someone else’s that she is just aware of.

Choosing to be happy no matter what affects all of her relationships; if Carolyn is happy, it's hard for others to be snarly and rude. And if they are snarly and rude, she can just walk away.

It’s like the mantra of Access - all of life comes to me with ease and joy and glory. That's all of life; even the yucky stuff.

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Carolyn Sinclair, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

Carolyn’s Website

Carolyn’s Instagram

Carolyn’s Facebook 

Useful Links:

Have you ever asked your body to contribute to you? When you are in communion with your body, without judgement, magic can happen.

On this show, your host, Becky Vannes, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Chrissy Dorn, about your relationship with your body and ways to enhance it.

Your body is talking, are you listening?

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Start Asking Your Body

When you don't have a relationship with your body, you choose with your mind and you don't ask your body what your body requires.

Chrissy had a skiing accident and realised her body had tried to warn her many times beforehand not to go, but she wasn't communicating with her body.

How many times does your body tell you that you are not involving it in the equation and not asking it what it wants to eat, who it wants to be with, etc.?

What does your body require?

Every morning when Chrissy wakes up she asks her body "Body, what do you require?" "What can I contribute to you today?"

We all come from the Earth, so when you contribute to your body you are also contributing to the Earth; it's the same energy.

Get Out Of Your Mind

When you are in your mind, you are trying to control everything. As soon as you try to control with your mind, you can’t hear the whispers of the Earth. What if you were out of control with no definitions, conclusions, judgements and separations?

How do you know if you're using your mind? It could be a headache, it could be that you are really tired, etc.

Chrissy was tripping a lot. Her body was trying to tell her to be present in this 10 seconds rather than in the future.

How often is disease a sign from your body to be present enough to look at it? 

Hold your hands somewhere on your body and really earth yourself and connect yourself with your feet on the ground. That's when you start sensing what it is like to be in your body, then you can ask "Hey body, what do you require now?"

Other great questions when you have pain or dis-ease are:

"Who does this belong to? Is it mine?" "What is it, what can I do with it, can I change it, if so what is the next step?"

Your body shows you the way, the Earth shows you the way.

Have Allowance With Your Body

Your point of view creates your reality. What are you creating when you keep judging your body all the time?

What if you were in allowance of whatever your body chooses to be, rather than looking in the mirror and judging it? 

Your body always keeps changing, just like the Earth keeps changing, every 10 seconds.

Whatever your body looks like, when you are so in oneness with your body, you can wear anything and have so much presence; you don't need a modal shape for that.

Once you are in allowance of your body, you can honour your body with whatever it wants. Trust your body that it will show you the way of what is a greater contribution for both you and your body and the entire Earth.

What if that is trust with your body; that it always knows what will create greater right now?

It’s not just trusting that your body knows, but also that your body trusts you; you are all oneness. It’s like a tango where sometimes the body leads and sometimes you lead.

What can you create with the tango called your life?

Gratitude

Once you create this communion with your body and it becomes your best friend, gratitude falls into place much more easily.

Even in the shittiest situation, your body shows you how you can deal with that. Be grateful for every single situation that you and your body have allowed yourself to have; even cancer. Your body is showing you where some changes are needed and giving you something totally different to look at.

"Thank you for showing me, body."

Your body is also grateful for you. What signs can you look for that show you your body's gratitude for you?

When you have a sensation of ease and relaxation, that is gratitude from your body for you. Relaxation is the energy of gratitude, and it's also when you are truly vulnerable; the vulnerability of being totally present and seeing what is and just receiving whatever comes out of it. 

Ask your body to show you what gratitude is from your body if you are not aware of it; and just see what shows up.

There Are Two Ways You Can Live Your Life

1/ like a puzzle with edges that you live within, and each piece being predetermined where it fits by the maker of the puzzle.  It gets denser and denser as you work your way inwards from the edges, and once done, you destroy it and make exactly the same puzzle again.

2/ see what shows up. Your body is a piece of a huge mosaic, greater than the universe. It's you, your energy, your infinite being and your body.  Then you add whatever you like, wherever the energy is going, and you move it around wherever you like; wherever it creates more. Ask, "What's going to create greater here?"

Ask Your Body To Contribute

 When you truly truly desire something, have you ever asked your body to contribute to it?

Get connected with your body. Lower your barriers, connect with the earth eg feet on grass. It’s good to have 3 points of focus, eg your feet on the floor, your back against something, hands on body somewhere, and then ask, "Body what do you know here?" and listen to the whispers.

You can only hear when you are out of control and out of your mind.

Chrissy used this question to find her an apartment in an area where it's normally difficult to rent; "Body, show me what's next. Where do I need to go, who do I need to talk to, what energy can I be?"

Your body knows.

Chrissy’s body also told her to book a first class ticket, and the money just showed up.  It also turned out the points she got from that ticket paid for 6 other flights. That's what can happen when you are so congruent with your body!

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Chrissy Dorn, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

Chrissy’s Website

Chrissy’s Instagram

Chrissy’s Facebook 

Useful Links:

Are you currently deciding whether to leave a relationship or to stay? Indecision can hang over you like a dark cloud and can be paralysing, keeping you from taking any action at all. What if you could have ease, joy and glory with this choice?

On this show, your host, Paula Peralta, talks with Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Heiderose Scheerer, about the question, to go or not to go.

If you are at a crossroads with any of your relationships and you don't know what's required or how to go about it, this episode can assist you to know that there are possibilities available; even when you don’t feel like there are.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Stop Over Thinking It

Your mind will never be able to give you the answer you are looking for. There is no one fits all answer.

When you start asking should I stay or should I go, it's something that has been going on for a while. There is something that doesn't work for you.

Ask, “What is it that doesn't work for me? What is it that makes me ask the question?” and “How can I change it?”; or “Whose responsibility is it to change it?”, as we so often go to blame.

What is it that you actually would like to have? What's true for you?

You can ask the question, “What will my life be like in 5 years time if I stay? What will my life be like in 5 years time if I go?”, but what do you know? Once you get to that point of asking should I stay or should I go, you already know the answer.

If you are overthinking it and coming up with a pros and cons list, you are trying to justify your choice.  If didn't need to justify, what do you know? What do you desire, what do you require? What is true for you? What is it you would actually like to create?

Two questions to end the indecision are, 

1/ “Am I in an abusive relationship?”; whether it’s you abusing them or they are abusing you. 

2/ Has your health been suffering in the relationship?

What’s Really Going On?

What if your partner's annoying behaviours are a gift and they are there to be your teacher? What if perfection is pure fiction? How can you love an imperfect person perfectly? 

Who were you when you started the relationship? Who are you now? And what would you really like to create in your life?

So often we go to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Outside of abuse, you don't necessarily have to end the relationship just because you find something annoying that you don't think will change. There is always something else possible. A great question to ask is, “What would it take to change this?” or “What would it take for me to have ease with this?”

Another thing we often do is look to other relationships as an example of how a relationship should be, or how to deal with conflict, etc. But what is it that works for you?

When you carry traumas with you, it keeps you from having true intimate relationships. If your partner wants more intimacy and you want to run, it’s not wrong to run - but know what you are doing. If you are the one who wants more intimacy, what can you do to get it?

What are you asking for and can you be and do everything that is required to do that?

For example, if you desire the 5 elements of intimacy - honour, trust, allowance, vulnerability and gratitude in a relationship, is that something that is easy for you to do? Or would you benefit from talking to someone about that?

Do you want to stay in an unhealthy relationship or create a healthy relationship? and how do you know the difference?

The key is to look at yourself and be really honest with yourself. 

Do You Function From Compromise?

Compromise means giving up something valuable to you for the sake of the other person. And, you will expect the other person to do the same. With compromise, no one ever gets what they want. Prefer to ask, “What else can we choose that works for both of us?”

What Else Is Possible?

Being in a relationship, or not, is a choice. You can choose it or not choose it. Not choosing your relationship is still a choice. 

However, if you find yourself leaving relationships a lot rather than putting the work in, are you doing relationship hopping; i.e. going from relationship to relationship with always the same things that don't work?  Maybe it's time to look at yourself and ask, “What can I be and do different here?”

When you're both choosing to be in the relationship, even though not perfect, you can make it work.

Make a list of things you are grateful for for that person. In that space of starting to choose gratitude, things can start to change.

Compatibility

Have you ever even checked if you and your partner are compatible? So often we think if we love each other, it'll just work.

Compatibility is, when you are authentically being your true self it makes the other person feel well or be well or contributes to their life and what they do, and vice versa.

Does the other person truly contribute to you?

What if relationships were about contribution and were an expansion to our lives?

Most of us don't even know that is a possibility, as we were raised to believe conflict and drama and struggle were the norm. Ask, "What have I learned about relationship that is actually a total lie?"

What if compatibility is not about the excitement, what if it was your body relaxing and you feel well and safe and welcome and you welcome the other person? From that point you can create whatever you like.

What Does Your Body Know?

A lot of people are so disconnected from their bodies. Mindfulness is a wonderful thing but what if it requires bodyfulness to know whether to stay or go?

What is your body telling you about the relationship? What is your body telling you when you are with the other person? Are you getting sick, do you stop breathing when the other person shows up, etc.? Or is it something you'd like more of?

An Invitation To Something Different

Relationship Done Different classes are an invitation to look at everything you thought you knew about relationship and everything you thought you knew about you in relationship; not just romantic relationships, but families, colleagues, money, bodies, etc. It’s about the willingness to look at what currently is and the willingness to have your own reality. What could you create that is not available to anyone else?

It all starts with getting to know yourself.

From the time we are a little kid, we are told what to think and how to behave and we are never encouraged to look at what we really want.  When you were on the playground, you knew what you liked and you had fun. You didn’t think about it. Then we were taught that we have to think about things, and we ended up leaving ourselves and our knowing behind.

It Starts With Your Relationship With You

So often we think the indecision is about the relationship, when really the indecision comes from a lack of knowing yourself and a lack of intimacy with you.

If you are willing to be really honest with yourself, and willing to know what you and your body requires, you can have so much more ease.

End the fight with yourself. Start being brutally honest with yourself and what you like, and start communicating that. Stop demanding the other person changes and making them wrong. What if there was no more judgement and a lot more questions like, "What else is possible?"

When we start communicating what is going on with us and asking for more possibilities to show up, your partner actually starts to feel closer and you start to be intimate again.

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Heiderose Scheerer, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator

Heiderose’s Website

Heiderose’s Instagram

Heiderose’s Facebook 

Do you ignore your body until it’s screaming at you? What would happen if you were more present with your body, listened to it and took action, rather than putting up with pain, illness or things just not being right?

On this show, your host, Justine McKell, talks with 3-day Body Facilitator and Relationships Done Different Facilitator, Danielle Tooley, about creating a relationship with your body.

It's up to you to choose something different; and to choose to know that something different is available.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

What Is A 3-Day Body Facilitator?

A 3-Day Body Facilitator is someone who can facilitate other people's bodies to create something different; whatever that is for them. Ultimately it's about having a communion with your body.

Danielle says that her job as a facilitator is for you to get awareness around your body and what you are creating with your body. It could simply be a question you haven't asked yet.  It’s about empowering you to get what that is for you; to have all the awarenesses so you can have more communion, more presence with your body.

Our hands are built to nurture and heal. As a baby you are cuddled and kissed and touched, but as an adult, unless you have a partner, you don't really get that, yet that is what bodies require. A 3-day body class gives you that touch the bodies are screaming for.

It's innate for our bodies to heal themselves. When you become more present with your body, the side effect of that is healing. Danielle stated that she will never get bored of listening to people's shifts and changes after a 3 day body class.

Being In Communion With Your Body

A lot of people ignore their body; it’s not a priority for them. If something is going on with your car, like a flat tire, you'll attend to it straight away, but if something's going on with your body, you’ll more likely put it off and only attend to it when it's screaming at you through some sort of pain or illness.

What if you made a conscious effort to really be intune with your body and what it's asking of you, so that you can attend to it before it gets to that stage?

Danielle said that she raised her kids to have a good relationship with their bodies. Danielle's daughter has a great relationship with her body; she loves it, enjoys it, has a sense of peace with it and tells Danielle whenever something is going on with her body and what it requires, like booking into a chiropractor because her shoulders are sore or asking Danielle to run a body process on her.

They've learnt that communion with their bodies from a very young age.

Tools For Teenagers

"Who does this belong to?" is a great tool for teenagers.  Look at who the teenager is amongst. Most of them are all thinking the same thing. Ask them, “Is it possible there is someone in your class that could be thinking that?” Danielle has had the experience where the teenager realises that there actually is someone and they get to know that they are just really aware of what’s going on for other people; that they are aware of other people's thoughts and the pain and suffering in other people's bodies. They can ask themselves, "Does this actually belong to me?" 99% of the time it's not theirs. Return it back to sender. 

Another great tool is Interesting Point of View. It assists you to become more of the observer than reacting to whatever is going on around you.

Teach your teenagers to have gratitude with their body; waking up each day with a sense of gratitude.

Maybe start a journal - what can they write that they enjoy about their body?

Explain to them that there is no cookie cutter mould with bodies, and we all want something different than what we've got. Dr Dain Heer, the co-creator of Access Consciousness, talks a lot about embracing your supposed ‘wrongness’; because it's actually your strongness.

What Joy Can Your Body Bring To The World?

You chose this body. you chose to be on this Earth in this physical form, so what if it's about the joy and enjoyment of it?

If you come from a family where your mum judged herself profusely, most likely you will too; unless you go "This is crazy. I am going to do something different."

Get a pen and write on your mirror something to remind you of the beauty that you be.

You got this vehicle for life. You chose it. What beauty is it going to bring to the world?

It doesn't mean you have to be beautiful; beauty comes from all angles. How would you like to engage with the world? Your body is part of that engagement. We require bodies to do that. 

What would you like to bring to the world with your beautiful body? 

The Difference Between Your Body & Being

Your body and Being are two different things, and they work together. 

The body is what is sitting in the chair, and your being has been here many lifetimes and experienced many different things. Once this body dies, the being chooses another body.

This exercise will assist you to get a sense of the difference between the being and the body:

Find 3 points of contact when you are sitting in a chair, such as your feet on the floor, your bottom on the chair and your back against the chair. Breathe into this space, noticing those 3 points of contact.

Now, expand your Being out 180 degrees in all directions and occupy the space of the room you are in. Keep expanding and occupy the space of the world.  Keep expanding out and occupy the space of the universe.

You will have a lot of awareness from this space. You may notice there is no pain or suffering in your body. It’s also a great exercise if you are feeling really contracted, or when in crowds.

Use this exercise when you are out in public and the awareness of other bodies becomes way too much for your body. You can be aware of other bodies but you don't have to take it into your body.

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Danielle Tooley, Certified Facilitator of Access Consciousness, Relationship Done Different Facilitator & 3-Day Body Facilitator

Danielle’s Website

Danielle’s Instagram

Danielle’s Facebook 

Access Consciousness Body Classes 

Do you use relationship as a standard by which to judge yourself? Or is relationship for you something that adds more kindness into your life?

Most of us are brought up to be kind to others, but if the kindness is not flowing in both directions, there is not true kindness there.  If you are only being kind to the other person, you are limiting the kindness to you.

On this show, your host, Paula Peralta, talks with Dr. Dain Heer, cofounder of Access Consciousness, about kindness, and how it all starts with being kind to you.

Kindness to us which allows kindness to others is a massive strength, that if we would choose it would change every relationship we have, and change the face of the world.

If everybody chose to be the kindness that they can, how diff would the world be? It starts with you.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Does Your Relationship Add To Your Life?

99% of rel is energetic; not cognitive. If you are going to be in a relationship, it should add to your lives dynamically, otherwise why would you have one?

Most of what we learned about relationships we learnt from other people who did relationship poorly and we think we’ll do it better. Or we have the idea that relationship is going to solve all our problems. It doesn't. But it will point out our points of views about us in the world.

We seldom go to that place of liking us, so we get in relationship with somebody who also doesn't like us. We assume that’s the way it has to be because we assume there is something inherently wrong with us. 

Dain was engaged to someone who didn't like him.  When he realised that, he asked, "Where do I not care about me? What is this showing me?"

You can either have kindness for you or the wrongness of you. Think of when you are around a friend who doesn't judge you, how much kindness does that give you for you?

What if you just asked to be shown more kind people? 

How Do You Treat Yourself?

The more I am willing to be kind to me, the more kind people show up in my life. No matter what relationship we are in, if you can be that kindness to yourself that starts to allow us to receive that from the world too.

A lot of people have no idea what it is to be kind to them. Dain gave the example of someone who could never please her parents. As a result, all she could ever do was look at what she hadn't been or hadn't done, so then she repeated that in her relationships.

You need to look at how you are treating you and how are you being for you. When you notice that you are not being kind to you, just stop; and POC and POD everything that is.

To know kindness more, think of what it's like to be around a puppy, or a friend who doesn't judge you.

Taking Steps Towards Kindness To Self

Take that leap of treating yourself the way you should of been treated, not the way you were treated, and see what shows up. Try it for a couple of hours and see if you like yourself more at the end.  If you do, extend the time.

Just one step in that direction creates a space where, rather than putting up with people who don't like us and trying to get them to validate you, you can go "Love me or hate me, I'm going to love myself."

What you focus on grows, so make the demand that no matter what shows up, you will love yourself.

Start small.  10 seconds of not judging you. 10 seconds of actually liking you. The more you can celebrate those small steps the greater it becomes.

write down every single day one thing you 

It doesn't have to be monumental; it's a marathon not a sprint

Kindness To Self Changes Everything

We all probably have a lot of things we'd like to change.  Changing how kind you are to yourself changes everything! 

Every time you say "I can't" you are being unkind to you. Kindness to you would be aksing, "How can I create this?  What can I change? What can I do?"

It's such a game changer; if you do the work.  Dain says that he likes himself, because he has done the work. 

Make Time For You

Each day make one different choice for you. 

Most of our lives are about other people, because you want to make their lives better; which is an element of kindness. Let’s start to have some of that kindness coming inwards and fill up your whole battery.

Take 20 minutes a day just for you. Even if you have to get up a little early to fit it in. Do something that is nurturing for you. It may just be taking the time to sip your coffee.

It results in you having space, so when you interact with others, you don't have to go down this whole cesspool of reaction. You become a source for something greater.

The ultimate kindness you can be is always elevating the space of the interaction to something that contributes more to everybody; including you.

Value The Lightness & Space

Start to value the lightness and the space; that's another kindness. If you can start actively choosing that, which creates more of that, we become a different invitation; we change the game so to speak.

So often we walk through the world with all these barriers up. If you are willing to be that energy for you, willing to be kind to you, you actually realise you don't require the walls and barriers.

That's when people start to perceive the difference you be. It puts them in question; "Why are you so happy?" and allows that energy to truly permeate the world. Kindness to you changes the world!

When things are clunky in relationship, pause for a minute and lower your walls and barriers. Remind yourself that you are just feeling clunky right now, and that you really enjoy this person. It has a ripple effect that is instantaneous.

Kindness To Self Is Not Wrong

One of the lies of being kind to you is that everything is then going to be all about you. We are taught this as kids; be kind to others otherwise you are a bad person, selfish, etc.

However, it's only when you are kind to you that you can be present for kindness to others. Kindness is also a presence and a strength.  We are taught that kindness is a weakness.  No.  Niceness is a weakness

The Difference Between Nice And Kind

Kindness is a willingness to look into somebody's world, see what they require and deliver it if you can.

Being nice is when you are trying to prove that you are not bad, wrong, evil; so you let people walk on your head to prove that you don't secretly want to kill them. We always try to prove the opposite of what we believe we are.

Somebody who is nice, you want to kick in the head. Somebody who is kind, you want to be around.

Ask For More Kindness

One of the laws of the universe is ask and you shall receive. Be kind enough to ask for what you truly desire. Choice is "I'll have that".  That's it.  The universe's job is to show you the how.  Your job is to live your life and do your best to ask for it.

Get the sense of what it would be if you were totally kind to you and ask for that, it will show up. It shows up little by little until we don't even realise it, but if you look back in say 2 years, you'll notice the difference.

The ultimate kindness to you is being willing to receive from everything and everyone around you.

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

Dr. Dain Heer, Cocreator of Access Consciousness

Dain’s Website

Dain’s Instagram

Dain’s Facebook 

Being You Changing The World Book 

Useful Links:

Do you think that something is wrong with you if you are not in a relationship? If you are in a relationship, do you remain yourself or do you put on an image to keep the relationship, because if you are true to you you think your partner won’t like it?

On this show, your host, Becky Vannes, talks with John Wheeler about being enough and valuing yourself both in and out of all relationships - intimate relationships, work relationships, friendships, etc.

If you value you, others will value you too, and valuing yourself allows you to not be affected by what others say and do.  Relationships should add to your life, not detract from it.

Keys points from this episode’s conversation

Get Clear On The Fact That You Are Enough

So many people think they have to have a relationship and that if they don't they are wrong. You are actually enough how you are, where you are, by yourself. You are a whole person. You are enough exactly as you are today. There is nothing wrong with you if you are not in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with you at all.

If you are looking to add a relationship in your life, whether it's a relationship with a person or a business or a project or whatever, it should be a bonus. You are already a gift. Anything else that interacts with you is a bonus.  

You just being here is enough!

Receive Compliments

John realised that he was enough by having conversations with people who had his back; and actually hearing them. How often do you receive compliments?

Be You In Relationship

If you get clear on what you would like to create or what future you would like to have, people can say or do whatever they want and, as long as you hold true to valuing you, you don't become less.

Look at your values and what you have to offer, then make the demand of yourself, "I'm going to be me in this relationship. I have this list of things I'd like to create."

Be Honest With Yourself About Your Current Relationships

Look at all the relationships you've created in your life; business, friendships, intimate partners, family, etc.. Lower your barriers, get out of the judgement of yourself and ask questions like “Who am I? Who do I want to speak to?” 

Be willing to hear the feedback that comes with those relationships. For example, does the person treat you in a way that is kind, do they value you, are they using you?

How do you see yourself in that relationship? Ask,

"Where am I in regards to this relationship and where would I like to be? Is it working for me?” If not, “Do I want to stay in this relationship?”

Get clear on what works and be willing to actually demand what works. You don't become a doormat just because you are in relationship. Have conversations and be willing to address what's going on.

If you start to value you, the world will too.

Does It Work?

If you get a no when you ask, "Does it work?" with regards to your current relationship, it doesn't mean you have to leave it. 

Ask, "Can I make this work?" If you get a yes, ask, "Am I willing to do the work to make it work?" 

If it's not easy and fun to do that, do you want to stay in that relationship? It's also not wrong to leave.

Relationships Should Increase Your Value

When you add a relationship to your life, that relationship should be generating more. Relationships should make you excited, make you want to live, make you want to go out and create; they should increase your value and what you are creating.

If they make you want to do the opposite to that, you might want to look at what you are choosing it for. What are you desiring to create with the relationship?

And, it shouldn't cost you; you shouldn't have to give something up to be in a relationship.

This doesn't mean that relationships should be all rainbows all the time.  You are going to have things that come up.

It’s about asking questions and communicating, and being willing to have those conversations.

A Relationship Takes Two People

You also have to look at what you did to create the relationships you currently have. If someone says you are mean, for example, were you being mean? It’s not about making yourself wrong if you were; just acknowledge it and look at what you want to do from there.

When You Value You, Nothing Outside Of You Can Impact You

People say things to you based on how they see you; not on how you are. And, most of that comes from judgement. 

If someone thinks you are mean, all they will see is how you are mean. If someone sees you as kind, all they will see is kind behaviours.

Acknowledge that's how they see you, and that's it.

You also do this with others. You see them through eyes of judgement.

Laugh At What People Say

Don't take what people say to you seriously. A great tool to use is to laugh at what is being said.

Also be aware that if you are with a friend when someone lashes out at you, they will try and align with you; "I can't believe they said that". Tell them it's not an issue and that you find it funny; "That's funny that they think that."

Ask A Question

Another great tool is to ask a question eg what is their agenda? A lot of times they are saying things about you to manipulate and control you.

Call Someone

If something is sticking you, call someone and get them to ask you questions. If you don't buy it, it doesn't stick you.

What Are You Aware Of?

Just because it's there doesn't mean it's true. It doesn't mean something has to be said, and it doesn't mean something needs to be done.

Ask, "What's going on here?" And, sometimes that's enough.

Paula Peralta 

Christopher Hughes 

Becky Vannes

Justine McKell 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/relationshipsdonedifferent/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/RelationshipsDoneDifferent/

Website: https://www.relationshipsdonedifferent.com/ 

Book: Relationship, Are You Sure You Want One?

Guest

John Wheeler, Relationships Done Different Facilitator and Access Consciousness Certified Facilitator

John’s Website

John’s Instagram

John’s Facebook 

Useful Links: