How much do you participate in your relationships? Not just romantically— I’m also talking family, friends, co-workers, etc. Do you put forth effort, or do you look for the other person to do all the work? We may think we put energy toward relationships, but some of us wait for signs that it’s safe to proceed because we don’t want to put forth effort unless we’re sure the other person will reciprocate. Being in that place, however, doesn’t feel good. It’s actually quite lonely and makes us feel powerless. I’m not suggesting you should pull all the weight yourself (that’s a whole separate topic), but you need to look at where you hold back and why.

Fear underlies our unwillingness to participate—fear that we’ll be engulfed or appear needy. Fear that the other person is somehow doing us a favor by being in our life, and wondering if they really even like us. Growing up we may not have learned what it takes to be an active participant in relationships, so we might take the passive approach and believe if people want us around, they’ll call. And then we have to decide to come out of hiding and engage or stay closed. In dating, when we’re not connecting because we’re waiting for the other person to “do it first,” we’re leading with fear. And in these cases, we’re just as responsible for the state of the relationship as the other person. Vulnerability and intimacy are essential. We have to open up and say what is true for us instead of waiting until we feel safe, which won’t come from outside of us anyway.

The next time you find yourself holding back, look at your “why.” What are you afraid of losing… or maybe even gaining? What negative belief is operating? Do you think something is wrong with you or that you’re not worth the other person’s time and attention? It all comes back to you. To have healthy relationships that aren’t lopsided, you need to start fully participating.